Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Speaking With Strangers

Speaking With Strangers

Introducing my Friends to JanOne of the common recommendations that friends make to me is that I should meet more people.

I miss Jan, but I do not feel lonely.

I talk to many people on my walks as well as when I run errands.

These fluctuate between saying to fellow walkers, “Have a nice day,” to actual conversations while shopping.

Yesterday, I conversed with a woman standing next to me in the deli line. The ordering system setup during COVID was causing long delays.

After the staff asked for our names or identification information, we thought it was moving faster.

When her order was ready, she found one with my name and brought it to me when she did.

I thanked her for helping me and making my day easier.

We are a social and interdependent people. Helping each other helps us.

Perhaps my training as a community organizer has made it easier for me to meet new people.

I always have friends and meet new people, but I will never replace Jan.

Her love was all I ever needed and transformed me.

I know that the love Jan and I shared is all that matters, and it will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Sea of Tranquility

Sea of Tranquility

Sea of Tranquility by Emily St. John Mandel has been on my reading list for months. I recommend the book without reservations. Sea of Tranquility is a novel of art, time, love, and plague that takes the reader from Vancouver Island in 1912 to a dark colony on the moon three hundred years later, unfurling a story of humanity across centuries and space. It was a page-turner from page one.

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Nine Eleven Plus Twenty-one

Nine Eleven Plus Twenty-one

Jan in Washington January 2017The 2,977 people who died on September 11, 2001, will never be forgotten.

May we never forget those we have loved.

May the memories of their lives be a blessing.

However, we lost something important in the last twenty-one years.

In those awful hours when the smoke rose from the collapsed debris of the World Trade Center, we came together and helped each other.

We were collectively in shock and grief and knew the only way forward was to stand together and help each other.

People we did not know before became friends and helped us as we helped them.

Today, we are at the end of the pandemic. Instead of uniting, we have become more divided, isolated, and fearful.

How can we return to a time when loving our neighbors is not a meme on social media but how we live?

Since Jan died, I have learned the importance of helping others and being helped by them once more.

I know that the love Jan and I shared is all that matters, and I will share it freely with everyone as our love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Being Positive Despite Grief

Being Positive Despite Grief

Jan and Richard December 1974A widow is like a solo traveler on a dark, endless journey.

One never has the time to breathe, much less to dream.

Earlier this week, when I went to see the Metromaniacs, I could laugh freely at the farce and not worry about the plot.

However, most of the time, I feel lonely, sad, and occasionally angry.

Why can’t I be happy? Be positive. Cease overthinking.

I find the words of Idil Ahmed challenging but full of hope,

It’s time just to be
happy. Being angry, sad, and
overthinking isn’t worth it
anymore. Just let things
flow. Be Positive.

May I be blessed to find a way to be happy and positive while continuing to love Jan?

In this new phase of my life, the love Jan and I shared is all that matters, and it will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Why Am I Giving Her Love Away?

"Why are you giving her love away?" My answer is that I am not giving it away. What I am doing is sharing her love. The love they receive increases as they share it with others.

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One Breath at a Time!

One Breath at a Time!

Visiting Jan During COVIDWhen we heard Jan was coming home for hospice, I thought I was living on the edge of a precipice.

I thought I was living one moment at a time.

But I have learned life’s lesson that it is truly living one breath at a time.

I was reminded of this by reading Joyce Carol Oates‘s book Breathe, about her experience after the unexpected death of her second husband, Charlie Gross.

The importance of that lesson was reinforced when I read the latest edition of her newsletter, Joyce Carol Oates: A Writer’s Journal!

The issue focused on her relationship with Gloria Vanderbilt.

When my husband of forty-six years Raymond Smith passed away unexpectedly in February 2008, my dear friend Gloria Vanderbilt came to see me in Princeton. Gloria offered me both emotional solace and the most incisive wisdom: “One breath at a time, Joyce. One breath at a time.” Our friendship was forged as fellow artists: sister-artists, one might say. And so of course the artist is one who concentrates. “One breath at a time.”

As I mourn Jan and build a new life, I breathe one breath at a time.

A final lesson Ms. Oates learned from Ms. Vanderbildt was that “the secret to a long and happy life is simple: always be in love.”

In this new phase of my life, the love Jan and I shared is all that matters, and it will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Breathe

Breathe

Reading Breathe by Joyce Carol Oates was a book I knew I needed to read once Jan was diagnosed. Despite the possibility that the book would trigger negative memories, I finally read Breathe. It was what I needed to read at this point in my journey. Ms. Oates wrote the book in 2019 after her husband, Charlie Gross, died. The novel is a story of love, loss, and loneliness. These are topics that I write about on this blog.

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Ceremonial Shovel

House Guest in Apartment 3B

Ceremonial Shovel Fastened to the Wall

House GuestBefore moving to Cranford in 2018, our grandson often stayed overnight with us.

When we moved into Apartment 3D, between COVID and Jan’s health, neither he nor anyone stayed overnight.

For the last two nights, Nick has stayed with me.

It is enjoyable yet strange to have a house guest.

Hopefully, this is the first of a series of visits, as it is one more reminder that Jan is with me and is happy to have Nick with us.

With the help of Task Rabbit and Nick’s artistic talent, we took one more step in making my apartment look like home. The ceremonial groundbreaking shovel for the memorial garden is now on the wall.

In this new phase of my life, I know one self-evident truth, the love Jan and I shared will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Breaking Ground for Jan’s Memorial Garden

It has been only three days since we broke ground on the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park. The many friends who joined us for the day helped us with love and support. Over the next few months, we will update the garden's work progress.

Brave Enough to See the Light

Brave Enough to See the Light

Brave Enough to Be the Light

Amanda GormanI struggle to see the light and find my way as I live as a stranger in a strange land.

I was unmoored and adrift in troubled waters in my first hours as a widow.

One of the touchstones that helped me see the light was Amanda Gorman‘s poem “The Hill We Climb.”

The closing stanza reminded me that I must only be brave enough to see and be it.

For there is always light,
if only we’re brave enough to see it
If only we’re brave enough to be it.

Am I brave enough?

My daily goal is to see the light and be the light!

In this new phase of my life, I know that Jan wants me to be brave and be the light.

The only self-evident truth I know is that the love Jan and I shared will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Jan Whispers Words of Wisdom

With raindrops falling on my head, I hear Jan whispering words of wisdom. When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness She is standing right in front of me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let […]

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Speaking With Strangers
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Sea of Tranquility

Read: September 2022

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Sea of Tranquility

by Emily St. John Mandel

Sea of Tranquility by Emily St. John Mandel has been on my reading list for months. I recommend the book without reservations. Sea of Tranquility is a novel of art, time, love, and plague that takes the reader from Vancouver Island in 1912 to a dark colony on the moon three hundred years later, unfurling a story of humanity across centuries and space. It was a page-turner from page one.

With the delay of Artemis I, I have been thinking a lot about the Sea of Tranquility, the original lunar landing site. Sea of Tranquility reminded me of the days of my youth when we believed that NASA would colonize the moon as it is in the novel.

One of the passages that moved me was when Olive Llewellyn asked, “What if it always is the end of the world.” A second profound passage asks, “A life lived in a simulation is still a life.

The Goodreads summary provides a good overview,

Edwin St. Andrew is eighteen years old when he crosses the Atlantic by steamship, exiled from polite society following an ill-conceived diatribe at a dinner party. He enters the forest, spellbound by the beauty of the Canadian wilderness, and suddenly hears the notes of a violin echoing in an airship terminal—an experience that shocks him to his core.

Two centuries later a famous writer named Olive Llewellyn is on a book tour. She’s traveling all over Earth, but her home is the second moon colony, a place of white stone, spired towers, and artificial beauty. Within the text of Olive’s bestselling pandemic novel lies a strange passage: a man plays his violin for change in the echoing corridor of an airship terminal as the trees of a forest rise around him.

When Gaspery-Jacques Roberts, a detective in the Night City, is hired to investigate an anomaly in the North American wilderness, he uncovers a series of lives upended: The exiled son of an earl driven to madness, a writer trapped far from home as a pandemic ravages Earth, and a childhood friend from the Night City who, like Gaspery himself, has glimpsed the chance to do something extraordinary that will disrupt the timeline of the universe.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Nine Eleven Plus Twenty-one
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Being Positive Despite Grief
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Breathe

Read: September 2021

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Breathe

by Joyce Carol Oates

Celebrate JanReading Breathe by Joyce Carol Oates was a book I knew I needed to read once Jan was diagnosed. Although the book might trigger negative memories, I finally read Breathe. It was what I needed to read at this point in my journey.

Ms. Oates wrote the book in 2019 after her husband, Charlie Gross, died. The novel is a story of love, loss, and loneliness, topics that I write about on this blog. I needed to read the book both for my mental health and for the readers of Sharing Jan’s Love.

The protagonist, Michaela, loses her husband while they are on a sabbatical in New Mexico. Her husband, Gerard, writes a book and teaches a class on memories. Jan and I never considered relocating before her illness, but this book convinced me that it would have aggravated my grief journey.

One of the parallels I observed while reading the novel is the similarity between Gerard’s reluctance to let family, friends, and co-workers know of his illness. Jan shared that reluctance in the early days, but I convinced her that the only chance of beating cancer was with the help of family and friends.

This dialogue could easily be one that Jan and I had.

Of course you want to summon his family—his (adult) children—but quickly, he says no.

Still waiting.

But – When?

Just not yet.

He is not an alarmist. (You are the alarmist.)

The novel is written in two parts – The Vigil and the Post-Mortem.

The opening paragraphs set the tone.

A Hand is gripping yours. Warm, dry hand gripping your slippery, humid hand.

Whoever it is urging you – Breathe!

Leaning over you begging you – Breathe!

As one mourning the death of the love of his life, I found several phrases in the book helpful in understanding what I have gone through and will continue to confront.

Among them is grief-vise, which I have written about in this stream.

In the grip of the grief vise, all that you will do, all that you even imagine doing, will require many times more effort.. Hardly daring to breathe for the grief-vise will tighten around your chest, squeezing the very air out of your lungs.

In the early stages of grief, the vise was strangling me. Breathing was impossible, and weeping was constant at times.

Michaela struggles with her grief. Seeing her husband every time she sees a man alone, even if they are older or younger than he was. I know I have felt Jan’s presence and still expect her to walk into our apartment.

Her struggles with a grief counselor and overly helpful friends are an experience I have not had but are familiar to those suffering from losing a loved one.

The last chapters are ones in which time becomes confusing and chaotic. At times, I was uncertain about which were real or imagined. The end, like all good novels, was ambiguous.

These are some of the other phrases I have found useful and will include in posts.

  • If there is no one to love, do we merit existence?
  • Never come to the end of kissing.
  • The first principle of life is; Breathe.
  • Shy in the language of intimacy.
  • As if a life lived with strangers could compensate for the emptiness in your heart.
  • No purpose in your life. No compass.

What you love most, that you will lose. The price of your love is your loss.

I recommend this book to all readers, even those struggling with grief.

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One Breath at a Time!
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Ceremonial Shovel
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Brave Enough to See the Light
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Intimacies: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Intimacies: A Novel

by Katie Kitamura

Intimacies: A Novel by Katie Kitamura is about an interpreter who has come to The Hague to escape New York and work at the International Court. A woman of many languages and identities is finally looking for a place to call home.

Intimacies: A Novel is the second book by Ms. Kitamura that I have read this year. The multiple intimacies of the novel overlap and at times seem confusing, but in the end, it makes sense even if it is unclear how or where she will live the next phase of her life. A Separation is also written hypnotic, making it difficult to stop reading.

I not only highly recommend Intimacies: A Novel but have become a fan of Katie Kitamura and look forward to reading more of her books.

Goodreads summary provides a good overview.

She’s drawn into simmering personal dramas: her lover, Adriaan, is separated from his wife but still entangled in his marriage. Her friend Jana witnesses a seemingly random act of violence, a crime the interpreter becomes increasingly obsessed with as she befriends the victim’s sister. And she’s pulled into explosive political fires: her work interpreting for a former president accused of war crimes becomes precarious as their relationship is unbound by shifting language and meaning.

This woman is the voice in the ear of many, but what command does that give her, and how vulnerable does that leave her? Her coolly impassioned views on power, love, and violence, are tested, both in her personal intimacies and in her role at the Court. She is soon pushed to the precipice, where betrayal and heartbreak threaten to overwhelm her; it is her drive towards truth, and love, that throws into stark relief what she wants from her life.

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King of Ashes

Read: July 2025

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King of Ashes: A Novel

by S. A. Cosby

Today, as heavy thunderstorms rumbled outside and flash flood warnings loomed, I dove into “King of Ashes,” a gripping Southern crime saga that draws inspiration from “The Godfather.” Written by the acclaimed New York Times bestselling author S. A. Cosby, this novel was a long-awaited treat for me. I read “All the Sinners Bleed” nearly two years ago and have been itching for Cosby’s next masterpiece ever since.

As I turned the pages, the opening paragraphs immediately pulled me in and confirmed that the wait was worthwhile. The summoning of eldest son Roman Carruthers’ home after his father’s car accident not only sets the stage for a gripping plot but also resonates with the universal theme of family. He finds his younger brother, Dante, in debt to dangerous criminals and his sister, Neveah, exhausted from holding the family—and the family business—together. Neveah and their father, who run the Carruthers Crematorium in the run-down central Virginia town of Jefferson Run, see death up close every day. But mortality draws even closer when it becomes clear that the crash that landed their father in a coma was no accident, and Dante’s recklessness has placed them all in real danger.

Roman, a financial whiz with a knack for numbers and a talent for making his clients wealthy, has some money to help his brother out of trouble. But in his work with wannabe tough guys, he’s forgotten that there are real gangsters out there. As his bargaining chips go up in smoke, Roman realizes that he has only one thing left to offer to save his brother: himself and his own particular set of financial skills.

Roman begins his work for the criminals while Neveah tries to uncover the long-ago mystery of what happened to their mother, who disappeared under mysterious or suspicious circumstances when they were teenagers. But Roman is far less of a pushover than the gangsters realize. He is willing to do anything to save his family. Anything.

Because everything burns.


S. A. Cosby is a New York Times bestselling writer from southeastern Virginia. He is the author of All the Sinners Bleed, which was on more than forty Best of the Year lists, including Barack Obama’s, as well as Edgar Award finalist Razorblade Tears and Los Angeles Times Book Prize winner Blacktop Wasteland. He has also won the Anthony Award, ITW Thriller Award, Barry Award, Macavity Award, BCALA Award, and Audie Award. He has been longlisted for the ALA Andrew Carnegie Medal for Excellence.



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Martyr! A Novel

Read: October 2024

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Martyr! A Novel

by Kaveh Akbar

Today, I started reading “Martyr! A Novel” by Kaveh Akbar, one of the five finalists for the 2024 National Book Award for Fiction, I have read. This is also the 79th book I have read this year, surpassing my record from last year. Kaveh Akbar‘s “Martyr!” is a tribute to our pursuit of meaning in faith, art, ourselves, and others. The story follows Cyrus Shams, the newly sober, orphaned son of Iranian immigrants.

He is guided by the voices of artists, poets, and kings as he embarks on a search for a family secret, which leads him to a terminally ill painter living out her final days in the Brooklyn Museum.

Cyrus Shams, our protagonist, grapples with an inheritance of violence and loss. His mother’s tragic death and his father’s limited life in America have left him with scars. He’s a drunk, a person with a substance use disorder, and a poet, but above all, he’s a human being on a journey of self-discovery. His fascination with martyrs leads him to explore the mysteries of his past, including his uncle’s inspiring yet haunting role on Iranian battlefields and a painting that suggests his mother may not have been who or what she seemed.

Martyr!” is a novel that’s not just electrifying and funny but also wholly original. It’s a testament to Kaveh Akbar‘s unique storytelling and heralds the arrival of an essential new voice in contemporary fiction. Get ready to be captivated by his narrative prowess.



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Foster

Read: April 2026

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Foster: A Novella

by Claire Keegan

Claire Keegan‘s acclaimed novella, Foster, is now available in the US as a standalone book for the first time. Recognized as one of The NY Times’ Top 50 Novels Published in the 21st Century, it invites you to explore a powerful story of childhood, loss, and love that many readers have found moving and thought-provoking.

Set during a hot summer in rural Ireland, the story follows a child who is brought by her father to live with relatives on a farm, where she discovers warmth and affection she has never known. This tender portrayal of family bonds aims to evoke empathy and a desire to understand complex relationships.

Foster is a winner of the prestigious Davy Byrnes Award and was published in an abridged version in the New Yorker. This internationally acclaimed contemporary classic showcases Claire Keegan’s extraordinary talent and solidifies her as one of our most significant storytellers.


Claire Keegan‘s works of fiction are internationally acclaimed and have been translated into thirty languages. Her collection Antarctica won the Rooney Prize for Irish Literature. At the same time, Walk the Blue Fields received the Edge Hill Prize for the finest collection of stories published in the British Isles. The novella Foster was honored with the Davy Byrnes Award, the world’s richest prize for a short story. Small Things Like These was shortlisted for both the Booker Prize and the Rathbones Folio Prize. Additionally, it won the Orwell Prize for Political Fiction and the Kerry Prize for Irish Novel of the Year. Keegan was recognized as Woman of the Year for Literature in Ireland in 2022 and was named Author of the Year in 2023.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Supporting these selections not only helps me continue to provide you with personalized recommendations but also ensures you have access to meaningful stories that enrich your life. Your support truly makes a difference in helping me share more books and insights with you!


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The Witch: A Novel

Read: April 2026

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The Witch: A Novel

by Marie Ndiaye

The Witch” by Marie Ndiaye, the recipient of the Gold Medal in the Arts from the Kennedy Center International Committee on the Arts, is shortlisted for the International Booker Prize. In a small, sleepy town, a mediocre witch in a lackluster marriage attempts to pass on her gifts to her twin daughters, who quickly prove to possess abilities far greater than her own.

Lucie comes from a long line of witches, with powers passed down from mother to daughter. Many of them have hidden or repressed their gifts to appease disgusted or fearful men. But against the wishes of her controlling husband, Lucie initiates her twins into their family’s peculiar womanhood when they reach the age of twelve. In a few short months, Maud and Lise are crying rich crimson tears, their powers quickly becoming more potent than their mother’s, opening them to liberation and euphoria beyond what Lucie and her foremothers ever considered.

Equal parts dreamlike and disquieting, The Witch tells a tale as old as time, with a dark twist: Without looking back, children fly the nest, laying bare the tenuous threads of family that have long threatened to snap. With simmering tension and increasing panic, NDiaye’s latest novel in English captures the terror and precarity of motherhood and marriage, and the uncertainty of slowly realizing that your progeny are more dangerous—to the world and to your heart—and freer than you ever could have dreamed.


Marie Ndiaye was born in Pithiviers, France. She is the author of Rosie Carpe, winner of the Prix Femina, and of Three Strong Women, winner of the Prix Goncourt. Her recent novel, Vengeance is Mine, was a finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award for Fiction. She is also the recipient of the Kennedy Center International Committee on the Arts Gold Medal. She lives in Paris.

Translated by Jordan Stump.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Supporting these selections not only helps me continue to provide you with personalized recommendations but also ensures you have access to meaningful stories that enrich your life. Your support truly makes a difference in helping me share more books and insights with you!


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A Seperation

Read: January 2022

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A Separation: A Novel

by Katie Kitamura

A Separation by Katie Kitamura is about a young woman who has agreed with her faithless husband: it’s time for them to separate. All I could think about from the opening page until I finished the book was how Jan and I, despite one messy period, never dealt with infidelity or separation. Our love was pure as the driven snow. The subject matter would typically not have interested me enough to read the book. However, it is written in a hypnotic manner that mesmerizes the reader into turning the next page.

I highly recommend this book.

Goodreads provides an overview.

As she begins her new life, she gets word that Christopher has gone missing in a remote region in the rugged south of Greece; she reluctantly agrees to look for him, still keeping their split to herself. As her search comes to a shocking breaking point, she discovers she understands less than she thought she did about her relationship and the man she used to love. In her heart, she’s not even sure if she wants to find him.  For the moment, it’s a private matter, a secret between the two of them.

Adrift in the wild landscape, she traces the disintegration of their relationship and discovers she understands less than she thought about the man she used to love.

A story of intimacy and infidelity, A Separation is about the gulf that divides us from the lives of others and the narratives we create for ourselves. As the narrator reflects upon her love for a man who may never have been what he appeared, Kitamura propels us into the experience of a woman on the brink of catastrophe. A Separation is a riveting stylistic masterpiece of absence and presence that will leave the reader astonished and transfixed.

In closing, I highly recommend this book.

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