Grief-Vise Loosens its Hold on Me!

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One of Joyce Carol Oates‘s phrases in Breathe that I found helpful is the grief-vise.

In the grip of the grief-vise: all that you will do, all that you even imagine doing, will require many times more effort.

Hardly daring to breathe for the grief-vise will tighten around your chest, squeezing the very air out of your lungs.

In the early stages of grief, the vise was strangling me. Breathing was impossible, and weeping was constant at times.

I will never be entirely free of the grief vise, but I can now manage my life and keep the grief vise from dominating me.

Celebrate Jan

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Breathe

Breathe

Reading Breathe by Joyce Carol Oates was a book I knew I needed to read once Jan was diagnosed. Despite the possibility that the book would trigger negative memories, I finally read Breathe. It was what I needed to read at this point in my journey. Ms. Oates wrote the book in 2019 after her husband, Charlie Gross, died. The novel is a story of love, loss, and loneliness. These are topics that I write about on this blog.

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Breathe

Read: September 2021

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Breathe

by Joyce Carol Oates

Celebrate JanReading Breathe by Joyce Carol Oates was a book I knew I needed to read once Jan was diagnosed. Although the book might trigger negative memories, I finally read Breathe. It was what I needed to read at this point in my journey.

Ms. Oates wrote the book in 2019 after her husband, Charlie Gross, died. The novel is a story of love, loss, and loneliness, topics that I write about on this blog. I needed to read the book both for my mental health and for the readers of Sharing Jan’s Love.

The protagonist, Michaela, loses her husband while they are on a sabbatical in New Mexico. Her husband, Gerard, writes a book and teaches a class on memories. Jan and I never considered relocating before her illness, but this book convinced me that it would have aggravated my grief journey.

One of the parallels I observed while reading the novel is the similarity between Gerard’s reluctance to let family, friends, and co-workers know of his illness. Jan shared that reluctance in the early days, but I convinced her that the only chance of beating cancer was with the help of family and friends.

This dialogue could easily be one that Jan and I had.

Of course you want to summon his family—his (adult) children—but quickly, he says no.

Still waiting.

But – When?

Just not yet.

He is not an alarmist. (You are the alarmist.)

The novel is written in two parts – The Vigil and the Post-Mortem.

The opening paragraphs set the tone.

A Hand is gripping yours. Warm, dry hand gripping your slippery, humid hand.

Whoever it is urging you – Breathe!

Leaning over you begging you – Breathe!

As one mourning the death of the love of his life, I found several phrases in the book helpful in understanding what I have gone through and will continue to confront.

Among them is grief-vise, which I have written about in this stream.

In the grip of the grief vise, all that you will do, all that you even imagine doing, will require many times more effort.. Hardly daring to breathe for the grief-vise will tighten around your chest, squeezing the very air out of your lungs.

In the early stages of grief, the vise was strangling me. Breathing was impossible, and weeping was constant at times.

Michaela struggles with her grief. Seeing her husband every time she sees a man alone, even if they are older or younger than he was. I know I have felt Jan’s presence and still expect her to walk into our apartment.

Her struggles with a grief counselor and overly helpful friends are an experience I have not had but are familiar to those suffering from losing a loved one.

The last chapters are ones in which time becomes confusing and chaotic. At times, I was uncertain about which were real or imagined. The end, like all good novels, was ambiguous.

These are some of the other phrases I have found useful and will include in posts.

  • If there is no one to love, do we merit existence?
  • Never come to the end of kissing.
  • The first principle of life is; Breathe.
  • Shy in the language of intimacy.
  • As if a life lived with strangers could compensate for the emptiness in your heart.
  • No purpose in your life. No compass.

What you love most, that you will lose. The price of your love is your loss.

I recommend this book to all readers, even those struggling with grief.

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Trip: A Novel

Read: September 2025

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Trip: A Novel

by Amie Barrodale

Trip: A Novel by Amie Barrodale follows a woman who embarks on a journey to the afterlife to help her son, who is lost at sea. Her voyage begins on a limbo-drifting ghost ship, blending humor and emotion as she explores the body and mind. Barrodale skillfully combines humor with poignant moments, making the supernatural feel personal. The book moved me, reflecting the emotional tides between mother and son.

Sandra dies suddenly at a death conference in Nepal. Days later in America, her son, Trip, runs away with a man. Sandra tries to send a message to Trip through the mystics, but they are distracted while her son and the man set out to sea.

Amie Barrodale‘s first novel follows the unpredictable journey of Sandra and her son, Trip, as they navigate the realms of restless souls and Buddhist deities. As they move between life and death, Sandra’s unwavering devotion to saving her child and striving to be a good mother anchors the narrative, propelling it forward with emotional depth and urgency. This book will particularly resonate with fans of literary fiction, magical realism, and those intrigued by philosophical explorations of life and death. Readers who appreciate stories rich in emotional complexity and spiritual themes will find themselves eagerly immersed in this enthralling tale.

Wide-eyed with wonder, hilariously funny and painfully moving, Trip: A Novel reveals the deeper meaning of The Tibetan Book of the Dead: the past is a memory, the future is a projection, the present disappears before we can see it.


Amie Barrodale’s stories and essays have appeared in The Paris Review, Harper’s Magazine, and other publications. In 2012, she was awarded The Paris Review’s Plimpton Prize for Fiction for her story “William Wei.” She is the author of You Are Having a Good Time: Stories.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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Neverhome: A Novel

Read: November 2024

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Neverhome: A Novel

by Laird Hunt

Today, I began reading “Neverhome: A Novel” by Laird Hunt, a critically acclaimed work that has garnered praise for its unique storytelling. The protagonist introduces herself as Ash, which is not her real name. She is the devoted wife of a farmer, yet she has left her husband to enlist as a Union soldier during the Civil War. “Neverhome” narrates Ash Thompson’s harrowing journey as she faces the chaos of battle in the South.

Amidst scenes of bloodshed, hysteria, and heartbreak, Ash undergoes a profound transformation. She evolves from a devoted wife to a hero, a folk legend, a madwoman, and, to some, a traitor to the American cause. This complex journey of self-discovery adds depth to her character and makes her story all the more compelling.

Laird Hunt‘s captivating novel illuminates the adventurous women who chose to fight rather than remain behind. It also presents a compelling mystery: Why did Ash leave while her husband stayed? This enigma, shrouded in the fog of war, keeps us intrigued and eager to uncover the truth. What challenges must she overcome to return to her husband?

In beautifully crafted prose, Hunt‘s rebellious young heroine battles her way through history. Her emotional journey, filled with longing, fear, and determination, resonates with us as she strives to return to her husband and captures our hearts.

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Discontent

Read: October 2025

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Discontent: A Novel

by Beatriz Serrano

Discontent” by Beatriz Serrano is a bold and darkly humorous novel that follows a young woman whose carefully constructed office persona starts to unravel when she is compelled to attend her company’s annual retreat. On the surface, Marisa’s life appears enviable. She lives in a beautiful apartment in the heart of Madrid, has a charming neighbor who often spends time with her, and has quickly ascended the ranks at a successful advertising agency.

And yet she’s drowning in a dark hole of existential dread induced by the banality of corporate life. Marisa hates her job and everyone at it. She spends her working hours locked in her office, hiding from her coworkers, bingeing on YouTube videos, and getting high on tranquilizers. When she has the time, she escapes to her favorite museum where she contemplates the meaning of life while staring at Hieronymus Bosch paintings, or tries to get hit by a car so she can go on disability.

However, Marisa’s dubious success, which is primarily built on lies and work she has stolen from others, is in danger of being exposed when she’s forced to attend her company’s team-building retreat. Isolated in the Segovia forests, haunted by the deeply buried memory of a former coworker, and surrounded by psychopathic bosses, overzealous coworkers, flirty retreat staff, and an excess of drugs, Marisa finds herself acting on her wildest impulses. She is pushed to the brink of a complete spiral.


Beatriz Serrano is a striking new voice in international literature. A writer and journalist who has written for publications such as BuzzFeed, Vanity Fair, GQ, Harper’s Bazaar, El País, SModa, and Vogue. Along with writer Guillermo Alonso, she currently co-directs the podcast “Arsenic Caviar“, which won the Ondas Prize for best conversational podcast. Discontent is her first novel. She lives in Madrid.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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Man's Search for Meaning

Read: January 2022

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Man’s Search for Meaning

by Viktor E. Frankl

I recall reading portions of Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at various times, but I never completed the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after Jan’s passing, my wife and I were discussing in one of my groups. Frankl’s theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for “meaning,” centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.

For those like me who are widows, Frankl understands suffering,

In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

Jan and I lived meaningful lives. My challenge now is to continue to find meaning in my life without Jan.

As Frankl writes,

Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any ‘how.

The love Jan and I shared was one of my primary sources of meaning. In addition, I stopped working full-time at the end of 2018 and struggled to replace the purpose I had gained from repairing the world. After Jan died, I suffered the “provisional existence of an unknown limit, ” which Frankl experienced when he was in the concentration camps.

I have replaced the loss of meaning and purpose with a series of activities:

  1. Planning to celebrate Jan Day on her birthday this year.
  2. Writing my random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered;
  3. Reading more than ever, including my Goodreads 2022 Reading Challenge; and
  4. Walking more than I probably should.

I am also beginning to serve on the board of a few non-profits. It is time to transition from hands-on work to providing leadership in a different way.

Will this be enough to give my life meaning?

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life, and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life, he can only respond by being responsible.

I must continue to focus on my search for meaning, as life will inevitably change over time.

My grief journey has taught me that love never dies,

For the first time in my life, I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry, thought, and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

My path forward is to keep Jan’s love alive and continue to share it with others.

I recommend this book without reservation.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

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Endling

Read: August 2025

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Endling: A Novel

by Maria Reva

Endling” by Maria Reva, a novel of exceptional literary merit, has been longlisted for the 2024 Booker Prize. Set in Ukraine, the story follows an eccentric scientist who breeds rare snails and two sisters pretending to be part of the marriage industry in their quest to find their activist mother. As Russia invades, they embark on a wild journey that involves kidnapped bachelors and the last of its kind snail. This darkly comic novel delves into themes of survival, love, and hope in times of increasing darkness.

In Ukraine in 2022, Yeva is a loner and a daring scientist who lives outside her mob country. She traverses the country’s forests and valleys, attempting to breed rare snails, though her efforts often fail. Meanwhile, her relatives pressured her not to settle down and start a family. What they don’t realize is that Yeva is already dating multiple men—not for love, but to fund her work—entertaining Westerners who come to Ukraine on guided romance tours believing they’ll find docile brides untainted by feminism and modernity.

Nastia and her sister, Solomiya, are also caught up in the booming marriage industry. They pose as a hopeful bride and her translator while secretly searching for their missing mother, who disappeared after years of fierce activism against the romance tours.

Together, they embark on a journey across hundreds of miles, joined by three angry women, a truckload of kidnapped bachelors, and Lefty, a rare snail with one last chance to perpetuate his species. However, their plans come to a sudden halt when Russia invades.

In a strikingly ambitious and profoundly moving metafictive narrative, Endling masterfully balances horror and family, drawing on Reva’s own experiences as a Ukrainian expat navigating her family’s struggle for survival during wartime. As fiction and reality converge on the page, Reva explores the harsh truths of war: What stories must we tell ourselves to survive? How do we maintain our routines amid military occupation? And for those watching from abroad: Can our sense of normalcy and security ever be restored, or have they always been a fragile illusion?

Endling is a tour de force from an author who weaves a story of love, loss, humor, and devastation that only she can tell.


Maria Reva was born in Ukraine and raised in Canada. She holds an MFA from the Michener Center at the University of Texas. Her fiction has been published in The Atlantic, McSweeney’s, and Best American Short Stories, among others, and has won a National Magazine Award. Additionally, she works as an opera librettist.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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Tenth of December: Stories

Read: July 2024

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Tenth of December: Stories

by George Saunders

One of the most important and blazingly original writers of his generation, George Saunders, is an undisputed master of the short story. The Tenth of December is his most honest, accessible, and moving collection yet. It is one of the New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the Century. The book is structured as a collection of short stories, each offering a unique and compelling narrative.

In the taut opener, “Victory Lap,” a boy witnesses the attempted abduction of the girl next door and is faced with a harrowing choice: Does he ignore what he sees or override years of smothering advice from his parents and act?

In “Home,” a combat-damaged soldier moves back in with his mother and struggles to reconcile the world he left behind with the one he has returned to.

In the title story, a stunning meditation on imagination, memory, and loss, a middle-aged cancer patient walks into the woods to commit suicide, only to encounter a troubled young boy who, throughout a fateful morning, gives the dying man a final chance to recall who he is.

An unfortunate, deluded owner of an antique store; two mothers struggling to do the right thing; a teenage girl whose idealism is challenged by a brutal brush with reality; a man tormented by a series of pharmaceutical experiments that force him to lust, to love, to kill—the unforgettable characters that populate the pages of Tenth of December are vividly and lovingly infused with Saunders’s signature blend of exuberant prose, deep humanity, and stylistic innovation.

Writing brilliantly and profoundly about class, sex, love, loss, work, despair, and war, Saunders cuts to the core of the contemporary experience. These stories take on the big questions and explore the fault lines of our morality, delving into what makes us suitable and what makes us human. They are not just stories but profound explorations that will stimulate your intellect and make you ponder.

Unsettling, insightful, and hilarious, the stories in Tenth of December—through their manic energy, their focus on what is redeemable in human beings, and their generosity of spirit—not only entertain and delight but also fulfill Chekhov’s dictum that art should “prepare us for tenderness.” The humor in these stories will keep you entertained and laughing, even as they delve into profound themes.


George Saunders is the author of thirteen books, including the novel Lincoln in the Bardo, which won the Booker Prize, and five collections of stories, including Tenth of December, which was a finalist for the National Book Award, and the recent collection Liberation Day (selected by former President Obama as one of his ten favorite books of 2022).

Three of Saunders’s books—Pastoralia, Tenth of December, and Lincoln in the Bardo—were chosen for The New York Times’s list of the 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. Saunders hosts the popular Story Club on Substack, which grew out of his book, A Swim in a Pond in the Rain. In 2013, he was named one of Time’s 100 Most Influential People. He teaches in the creative writing program at Syracuse University.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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