Jan’s Love is All I Ever Needed
Estimated reading time: 10 minutes, 26 seconds
The Most Beautiful Things are
Felt With the Heart!
“I would give you a call, but…” I said to Jan as we stood on the steps of SERA in the Bronx, where she worked. Before I could end the sentence, she handed me a folded piece of paper from a tiny notebook she had taken from her purse. I unfolded it, and as I read it, I smiled.
We had walked to her job this morning, and it was as if we were the only people on that route. Toward the end, she mentioned how nice it was to have someone to walk and talk to on the way to work. I nodded and said with a wink, “I’m happy to do this every day!”
I gave her a passionate kiss and hugged her as she entered the building. I wanted to make sure she did not forget that I loved her and that she would not forget me. Having her co-workers know that she had someone in love with her was a secondary benefit.
“I will call you,” we both said in unison.
I have always been a dancer with two left feet. However, after I left her that morning, I was tap dancing like Fred Astaire on the way to the subway.
Memories of Falling in Love
“What do you want to do,” she asked as I cleaned up after breakfast.
“I would like to…” I started to say but paused before I spoke these words: to spend the rest of my life with you. Instead, Instead I finished by saying, “continue the conversation we started last night and spend the day with you.”
Oh, what a day we had together!
We walked to Inwood Hill Park and then south until early afternoon. We then took the train to the battery and boarded the ferry to visit a friend in Staten Island.
It was already dark as we passed the Statue of Liberty. Despite the cold, we stood outside, and the light from the torch enveloped us. I hugged Jan and kissed her. Lady Liberty had welcomed our ancestors. Tonight I felt that it was ushering me into a new world as well.
It was late when we got back to Inwood, and we made dinner. The apartment was spacious, but the kitchen was so small it was almost impossible for one person to cook. We ignored the limitations and tried to cook together. On a dance floor, bumping into each other would have been sexy. Making pasta together for dinner was fun, but each time we bumped each other could have been the beginning of a disaster.
We talked through dinner and afterward. With each word spoken, I fell deeper in love with Jan.
At midnight, we both agreed we needed sleep if we were going to work on Monday. I offered to sleep on the couch, but Jan said with a smile, “I have a Queen-sized bed, and it is more comfortable!”
She went to the bathroom first. She loaned me a toothbrush. My apartment was unheated and did not have a fully functioning bathroom. It was a joy to brush my teeth and wash my hands and face.
When I walked into her bedroom, she was already in bed. I spoke to her, but she did not answer. She had already fallen asleep, and I crawled into bed and kissed her lips lightly. I whispered, “Good night, my sweetheart.” We were like lovers, decades from now, happy to be together forever.
“14th Street, Transfer to the L,” the announcement screamed. I had almost missed my stop, and I jumped up and pushed my way to the platform.
When I boarded the L Train, I decided to stand up by the door as I only had six stops before I exited.
Dancing in East Williamsburg
I exited the station taking the steps three at a time. Although I was excited to be home, the bounce in my feet was because I had found true love after almost two years of an imaginary girlfriend. My heart was bubbling over with joy as I started to walk down Grand Street.
Although I only sang in the shower, I was about to start singing. Fortunately, I met Vanessa while walking to the subway station for a job interview.
“You look pretty chilled today,” she said. “What’s up?”
Before I could answer, Vanessa asked if my imaginary girlfriend was coming to visit me, and I told her no. It was something even more exciting. I did my best to explain what had happened since early yesterday morning as rapidly as possible so she would not miss her train.
As Vanessa left, she gave me a high five.
I walked around the corner to my office in the basement of St. John’s on Maujer Street. I was hoping others might be just as happy for me.
“We were a little worried when you did not make it back yesterday,” Mark laughed.
I had always wanted to be a bandleader, even without any musical talent; I laughed and began to lead them through the highlights of the last thirty-two hours.
“After you guys left, we talked and cleaned up all night….” I told them about the bagel run, rose, walking over most of the City, and taking the State Island Ferry. Like Vanessa, I hoped they could see how happy I was being in love.
They all congratulated me, and some gave me high fives.
“I saw Jan a month or two ago in the Village.” I was about to get to work when Kathy spoke. “She was with a guy, and they seemed like they were happy together….”
My heart slowed to an almost complete stop.
“It may have ended, but I just don’t want you to get hurt,” she stammered.
They all spoke at once with similar messages.
I began to question if I had imagined a relationship where none existed with each statement. My happiness started fading faster than a daffodil in a snowstorm.
As I left them to go out to a series of meetings, Kathy offered to contact Jan at work to find out if she had a boyfriend, and I said no, I would call her later.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
