Love is a Magical Force!

I am an Incurable Romantic, and My Life is an Open Book

The essence of life lies in living it to the fullest, but what if we find ourselves living it all alone? The words of Lauren Groff from her book “The Vaster Wilds” resonate with my situation, as she rightly pointed out that to exist alone and survive is not the same as being alive. Although I strive to make the most of my life by reading, writing, walking, offering help to others, and serving as the board chair for Bridges, I still feel that I am merely surviving from one day to the next.

My wife, Jan, was right when she advised me against living alone. However, my quest for love is not solely to have someone’s physical presence around me. Love is what I truly seek. I may sound old-fashioned, but love is the most potent force in the world. It can transform our lives from mundane routines to truly fulfilling ones. Humanity’s only hope for redemption is in love and through love.

Love is a magical phenomenon that happens when two people come together. Finding true love may have its ups and downs, but I have faith that it will eventually find me, even if I must walk alone for a while. I believe in the wisdom of my family and friends, and I remain open to the beautiful possibilities that lie ahead on my journey in life.

Dreaming of Jan March 17, 2021

Holding Jan close, I could feel her warmth and breath on my face. The softness of her skin against mine was a sensation I had missed for months. I whispered words of love into her ear, telling her how much I had missed and loved her. “I love you now and forever” were the words that flowed as smoothly as water cascading over the Crane Mill in Cranford.

I had spent February and March alone in the second bedroom because she had COVID. But finally, having her next to me again felt indescribable. Her divine essence filled the once-empty room, and I felt happy again. I expressed my relief at no longer having to sleep in the spare room now that the COVID quarantine period was over. I was grateful for the chance to be in her arms again.

As I leaned in to kiss her, my hand reached out to hold her close, but to my surprise, all I had in my arms was her pillow. It was a bitter reminder that she was back in the hospital, and I was alone again. Although I was doing OK, the feeling of loneliness was overwhelming as I released the pillow from my grasp. The emptiness of the bed seemed to mock me, reminding me of the almost five decades we spent together.

Ghost Voices – June 10, 2021

As I woke from sleep in a strange room, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that my wife was still beside me. Despite knowing that it was not uncommon to imagine the presence of a loved one after their passing, the weight of this realization felt heavy on my mind. I slowly exited the bed, trying not to disturb her imaginary presence, and carefully adjusted her pillow. I knew she wasn’t there, but the urge to make her feel comfortable was too strong to ignore.

Standing up, I remembered I was in Philadelphia for the Flower Show and needed to use the bathroom. My thoughts were hazy, and my movements felt sluggish. I walked to the bathroom, trying to convince myself that Jan would lie there when I returned, just as she always did. However, deep down, I knew that this was just a product of my grief and my mind playing tricks on me. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but hope she was still with me.

After returning to the bedroom, I picked up my iPhone, opened the photo app, and started scanning through Jan’s photos. As I came across our wedding photo and the ones with our boys, I couldn’t help but feel a mix of emotions. Tears welled up in my eyes as I smiled at the memories. I then placed the phone upside down on the nightstand and added a third emotion to the mix. I found myself laughing, smiling, and crying simultaneously. It was a bittersweet moment, and I couldn’t help but feel grateful for the memories captured in those photos.

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