Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Faith is All I Needed!

Conversion or Status Quo

Am I Already Jewish, or Can I Become Closer to God?

Jon Brown Bar Mitzvah January 15, 1994

Jon Brown’s Bar Mitzvah was held on January 15, 1994. In the photo are (left to right) Richard W. Brown, Rabbi Darnov, Jon Brown, Jan Lilien, and in front, Mike Brown.“Richard, I have a question.”

“Richard, I have a question,” the woman at the table said.

I nodded, waiting for her to continue.

Jan was Jewish, but you are not,” she explained.

I nodded again, acknowledging her statement.

What faith were your parents? Do you plan to convert?” she asked.

My parents were Methodist. I have often thought about converting,” I shared. For almost forty years, I have been attending only Jewish services. Conversion is a more pressing issue as I want to be buried next to Jan, and not converting might prevent that.”

She and the others at the table listened as I explained my thoughts and concerns about converting.

“If you converted, what would be involved?” she asked.

I gave her a detailed answer based on what I had learned from Rabbi Renee.

The conversation continued, with everyone at the table sharing their thoughts and opinions.

Reflecting on the conversation later, I wondered if my faith was enough to bring me closer to God or if I needed to convert.

Quan Barry once wrote, “Sometimes faith is the only medicine available.”

My unwavering faith in God has comforted me in tough times. Since Jan’s passing, it has been vital to my well-being.

Yet, I still pondered if it was sufficient.

My heart was confident that with Jan’s love and my faith, I would eventually make the right choice.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Faith is All I Needed!

I have faced many challenges in my lifetime, but losing my beloved was the most difficult one. Thankfully, Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman offered me guidance and support, which gave me hope and taught me how to live life to the fullest, even after my loss.

Throughout my life, faith has been my guiding force. It has empowered me to persevere through challenges and achieve personal growth. As a result, I have embraced life to the fullest, cherished meaningful relationships, and strived to impact the world around me positively.

A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

I recently discovered an excellent short story collection called A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories by Jai Chakrabarti. This author won the National Jewish Book Award for debut fiction with his novel A Play for the End of the World, and it is clear that his talent extends to the short story form as well.

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Intense Pollinosis Stymies Spring

Intense Pollinosis Stymies Spring

Jan's Last Gift Continues Giving Me Hay Fever

“All I have in stock is Claritan D, 24-hour.”

Standing at the counter of Baron Drugs after a 7.88-mile walk, I said I would take the package.

My eyes felt like I was underwater, and my nose had sniffled my entire hike.

As he processed the payment, I complimented him on the extensive and expensive improvements to the store.

Thanks, it is more efficient and lets us serve our customers better.

Walking out with the medication in my jacket pocket, I remembered being here with Jan when we were looking for CBD products to help her with neuropathy. The store looked like it could have been the set for a 1950s movie.

Arriving in 3B, I ripped open the box and took a pill before removing my jacket. My symptoms began to subside over breakfast.

Although the pollinosis medication is non-drowsy, I have felt a little weirder than usual.

I have never been one to take a variety of medications. All I take daily are multivitamins and enough Vitamins C and D to meet my daily requirements.

In time, I am confident the Calritan effect will vanish, and I will not even remember adding this to my regimen.

Jan always suffered from Hay Fever, but pollen has never impacted me.

When Jan died, I thought her lasting gift to me was her enduring love. The more I give it away, the more love I have to share.

Perhaps, Jan also gave me hay fever to remember her forever. It is, like her love, a gift that keeps on giving.

The Calritan is working, and I will be well soon, and my love for Jan will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Love Without Blossoms

It appears that the trees are blossoming.

Therefore, I am confident Jan's love has not and never will die. It is stronger now than it was on the day I met her.

When I sneeze from too much pollen, I accept it as a sign that she is still with me and loves me as much as I love her.

Make a Difference

Fog Bank Doldrums!

Have I Lost My Resilience?

Like a weighted blanket, time can fold back upon itself and cloak me into a different space and time.

For several days, I had felt as if I were sleepwalking like two years ago when Jan was home for hospice.

During hospice, I showered Jan with love to the point that I felt depleted of energy and stamina.

When I kissed Jan on the final morning, I was unsure how or if I could continue to live.

A good friend called me in the afternoon and offered condolences. He said something I did not fully comprehend in my initial hours as a widow.

You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today.

One day at a time, I learned that resilience could and does help us to adapt. It became a secret power that allowed me to live fully despite having my body and soul shredded into a million pieces like the glass bottle we smashed on our wedding day.

Each day I gained strength and rebuilt my life by sharing Jan’s love.

Walking shrunk my waist and allowed my mind to wonder and think creatively.

Building on that foundation, I framed my new life with love and faith. The trusses of my gabled roof are my reading and my writing.

I will forever miss Jan, but with a new framework, I have regained a purpose by helping others.

As Jane Goodall wrote,

You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.

For forty-eight hours, my life has reverted to one devoid of meaning.

Am I no longer reslient? Did I lose my mojo?

I do not know, but my body and soul feel weak and hopeless.

Despite the many miles I walk daily, my legs fill like water balloons, yet I cannot give up. Jan’s love spurs me to impact the world not by sleepwalking but by making a difference. Can I do this?

My doubts overflow like high tide in the Bay of Fundy.

Despite my anxiety, I still hear Jan whispering her words of wisdom,

Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.

Soon the fog bank will break, and Jan’s undying love will let me regain my focus and continue to impact the world positively.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Living Alone as Best I Can!

The day Jan died, I wasn't sure how long I would live.

I still do not know, but none of us knows how many days we will live.

A good friend called the morning after the love of my life died to offer his sympathy and support.

He said, "You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today."

At that moment, I was unconvinced of his opinion.

But over time, my resilience has rebounded.

Walkability is Likeability!

Walkability Equals Likability!

In Cranford, I Do Not Need a Car for Daily Errands

As I was lost in thought during my walk, I suddenly heard a familiar voice calling me. As the person got closer, I recognized my neighbor, Franco, carrying two large bags of bread. He shouted a greeting, saying, “Hey, Buddy, I’m right behind you!”

Walking to his shop, Venue 104, made me appreciate how fortunate I am to live in a neighborhood where most of my daily tasks can be accomplished on foot. The walkability score of my community is an impressive 96, which has been a tremendous help as I navigate my grief journey.

I’m also grateful to be an active member of several supportive communities that provide me with the necessary strength and encouragement. Without these connections, I wouldn’t have made it this far.

As Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie, one of his daughters, in Hello Beautiful.

We’re separated from the world by our own edges. We’re all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is.

Despite the difficulty in finding joy in life without Jan, I’m taking things one day at a time and discovering happiness in simple things like walking, faith, reading, and more.

Although I can never replace Jan, sharing her love helps me keep her memory alive in this new chapter of my life.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



 

I Live in Community and Reside in My Home!

As Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie, one of his daughters, in Hello Beautiful, "We're separated from the world by our own edges. We're all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is."

As a widow, it is sometimes difficult for me to appreciate the beauty of life without my beloved partner, Jan. However, I am learning to take things one day at a time and embrace life to the fullest. Although Jan's loss can never be replaced, I feel fortunate to have a supportive network that allows me to keep her spirit alive and share her love with others.

We can face life alone in fear or unite and support one another. For me, living interdependently in multiple communities has helped manage my grief..

Passover in Tinton Falls

Passover in Tinton Falls

Adding a New Node to My Network

Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman

Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman at Celebrate Jan Day on April 24, 2022. Photo Courtesy of Kevin Papa.

“I am a friend of Rabbi Renee…”

“Wow, you know our Renee?”

I nodded yes to the question, which was the perfect icebreaker that could dismantle the largest glaciers in a nanosecond.

“Amazing that you joined us when you did not know anyone here. We always welcome strangers.”

I attended Second Night Seder at the Monmouth Reform Temple (MRT) in Tinton Falls for the second night of the Passover Seder.

Rabbi Renee, a friend and my rabbi will become the new religious leader at MRT on July 1.

To describe my arrival in Tinton Falls as a warm welcome would be several degrees lower than the enthusiasm that enveloped me.

Walking into a room with more than eighty congregants when the only person I knew was their new rabbi might have been daunting to some people, but I found it as easy as adding a new node to my community mesh network.

I live in a community mesh network (CMN), allowing me to move from one node to another. It is seamless, and adding a new node is as easy as 1-2-3.

My CMN reflects the reality of our real lives: we belong to multiple communities and must be able to move between them and remain interconnected.

Seamlessly moving between my communities of family, friends, neighbors, and faith strengthens each and makes me healthier.

Without my multi-community mesh network, I am unsure if I could have survived my grief journey.

It does not replace what I lost when Jan died, but my seamless network allows me to bring Jan’s spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.

You must return next year when Renee will lead the seder,” several new friends said as I walked to my car.

I am still trying to figure out what to do next year, but I am happy to have added a new node to my community mesh network.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



My Community Mesh Network

Seamlessly moving between these communities strengthens each one and makes me healthier. Everyone should consider creating community mesh networks. My multi-community mesh network has been a lifesaver throughout my grief journey.

Although it cannot replace what I lost, it allows me to bring my loved one's spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.

The New Earth

The New Earth

The New Earth, by Jess Row, is a commanding investigation of our deep and impossible desire to undo the injustices we have both inflicted and been forced to endure. When I read books about dysfunctional families, I am reminded of how important family is to our health and how blessed I am not to be a member of a family like the one Jess Row has created. I highly recommend this book!

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Faith is All I Needed!
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A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

Read: April 2023

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A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness

by Jai Chakrabarti

I recently discovered an excellent short story collection called A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories by Jai Chakrabarti. This author won the National Jewish Book Award for debut fiction with his novel A Play for the End of the World, and it is clear that his talent extends to the short story form as well.

The stories in this collection follow men and women as they navigate transformations and familial bonds across countries and cultures. Each story is unique and captivating, but the one that struck me was the title story about a closeted gay man in 1980s Kolkata who seeks to have a child with his lover’s wife. Chakrabarti’s skill as a storyteller is on full display in this story and throughout the collection.

I highly recommend A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories if you want a book exploring love and family’s complexities in uncertain times. Each story is a masterful exploration of what it means to cultivate a family across borders, religions, and races. I look forward to reading more by Jai Chakrabarti in the future.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In the fourteen masterful stories of this collection, Jai Chakrabarti crosses continents and cultures to explore what it means to cultivate a family across borders, religions, and races today.

In the title story, a closeted gay man in 1980s Kolkata seeks to have a child with his lover’s wife. An Indian widow, engaged to a Jewish man, struggles to balance her cultural identity with the rituals and traditions of her newfound family. An American musician travels to see his guru for the final time—and makes a promise he cannot keep. A young woman from an Indian village arrives in Brooklyn to care for the toddler of a biracial couple. And a mystical agent is sent by a mother to solve her son’s domestic problems.

Throughout, the characters’ most vulnerable desires shape life-altering decisions as they seek to balance their needs against those of the people they hold closest.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Intense Pollinosis Stymies Spring
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Make a Difference
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Walkability is Likeability!
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Passover in Tinton Falls
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The New Earth

Read: April 2023

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The New Earth

by Jess Row

The New Earth, by Jess Row, is a commanding investigation of our deep and impossible desire to undo the injustices we have both inflicted and been forced to endure. When I read books about dysfunctional families, I am reminded of how important family is to our health and how blessed I am not to be a member of a family like the one Jess Row has created. I highly recommend this book!

The Wilcoxes saga is a case study of the difficulties of modern relationships. The reunion at the wedding of their daughter Winter unfolds in a manner that keeps the reader engaged until the final words appear on the page. Lies, infidelity, and how these actions compound and create problems for the younger generation is a book well worth reading.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

For fifteen years, the Wilcoxes have been a family in name only. Though never the picture of happiness, they once seemed like a typical white Jewish clan from the Upper West Side. But in the early 2000s, two events ruptured the relationships between them. First, Naomi revealed to her children that her biological father was Black. In the aftermath, college-age daughter Bering left home to become a radical peace activist in Palestine’s West Bank, where an Israeli Army sniper killed her.

In 2018, Winter Wilcox is getting married, and her only demand is that her mother, father, and brother emerge from their self-imposed isolations and gather once more. After decades of neglecting personal and political wounds, each remaining family member must face their fractured history and decide if they can ever reconcile.

Assembling a vast chorus of voices and ideas from across the globe, Jess Row “explodes the saga from within–blows the roof off, so to speak, to let in politics, race, theory, and the narrative self-awareness that the form had seemed hell-bent on ignoring” (Jonathan Lethem).


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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A Good Neighborhood

Read: September 2021

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A Good Neighborhood

by Therese Anne Fowler

A Good Neighborhood by Therese Anne Fowler is a book that was difficult to put down once I started it. A Good Neighborhood is a “gripping contemporary novel that examines the American dream through the lens of two families living side by side in an idyllic neighborhood, throughout one summer that changes their lives irrevocably.”

I selected the book as it focuses, among other issues, on gentrification and environmental degradation. But to say that is what it is about would be a disservice. It also includes a full range of the social issues of our time.

But with little in common except a property line, these two very different families quickly find themselves at odds: first, over an historic oak tree in Valerie’s yard, and soon after, the blossoming romance between their two teenagers. Told from multiple points of view, A Good Neighborhood asks big questions about life in America today ― what does it mean to be a good neighbor? How do we live alongside each other when we don’t see eye to eye? ― as it explores the effects of class, race, and heartrending star-crossed love in a story that’s as provocative as it is powerful.

Ms. Fowler narrates the book. Greek Chorus. By doing this, she ensures that we are part of the story as much as readers.

We need to find answers to the big questions if we are to be good neighbors.

  • What does it mean to be a good neighbor?
  • How do we live alongside each other when we don’t see eye to eye?

The effects of class, race, and heartrending star-crossed love make this a must-read book.

I recommend the book to all readers.

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There Is No Place for Us

Read: April 2025

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There Is No Place for Us

by Brian Goldstone

Today, I delved into There Is No Place for Us by Brian Goldstone, a poignant exploration of America’s escalating homelessness crisis. Goldstone’s examination of the issue’s scale, root causes, and consequences is a wake-up call, passionately arguing that housing must be recognized as a fundamental human right. His compelling narrative demands our immediate attention and action.

The phrase “the working homeless” serves as a stark reminder of the urgency of America’s homelessness crisis. In a country where hard work and determination are expected to lead to success, it is scandalous that individuals with full-time jobs struggle to maintain stable housing. Rising rents, low wages, and insufficient tenant rights have contributed to this alarming trend. Families are facing homelessness not due to a failing economy but because of a thriving one.

In his compelling and thoroughly researched book, Brian Goldstone explores the lives of five families in Atlanta. Maurice and Natalia attempt to rebuild their lives in the country’s “Black Mecca” after being priced out of Washington, D.C. Kara aspires to become an entrepreneur while working at a public hospital. Britt has secured a much-coveted housing voucher. Michelle is studying to become a social worker. Celeste works tirelessly at her warehouse job while battling ovarian cancer. Each of these individuals strives to provide a decent life for their children. Yet, one by one, they find themselves among the nation’s working homeless, demonstrating their resilience and the system’s failures.

Through intimate, novelistic portrayals, Goldstone exposes the human cost of this crisis, following parents and their children as they sleep in cars or squalid extended-stay hotel rooms, then head to their jobs and schools the next day. These are the nation’s hidden homeless—people often omitted from official statistics—showing that overflowing shelters and street encampments represent only the most visible aspects of a much larger problem.


Brian Goldstone is a journalist whose long-form reporting and essays have appeared in The New York Times, Harper’s Magazine, The New Republic, The California Sunday Magazine, and Jacobin, among other publications. He has a PhD in anthropology from Duke University and was a Mellon Research Fellow at Columbia University. In 2021, he was a National Fellow at New America. He lives in Atlanta with his family.



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The Time Traveler's Wife

Read: May 2021

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The Time Traveler’s Wife

by Audrey Niffenegger

My wife had asked me to read – The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger – on several occasions. When we first met, we both liked to read fiction and non-fiction. As we aged, I focused almost exclusively on non-fiction, and she focused on fiction. Since her passing, I have started reading more of both genres. We could now have a book club!

Both Jan and I have always enjoyed books and movies about time travel. If I could travel back in time, there are tens of thousands of days I would love to spend with her again. But time travel is not possible. Or is it? Her spirit returns to me whenever I am paralyzed and encourages me to dust myself off and keep going. Maybe one day we will time travel together!

I enjoyed reading this book, even if it was difficult to keep track of the periods. It is very much the type of time-traveling book that both of us would have liked to read, and it has helped me to imagine a world in which Jan and I will meet again.

But what if it is not time travel as imagined by H. G. Wells. As the Hasidic story foretold, God split our souls at birth and placed one part of my soul in her body and placed the rest into my body. Very few people are lucky enough to find the person who has the other half of their soul, and Jan and I did.

When my life ends, what if God takes a portion of our two souls and places them into new bodies. Each of their souls would include a part of each of us. Those two new people would have to find each other in the future to connect as we did. They might not see each other and forever hunger for true love. Whatever happened, they would not know that they once were very much in love.

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Station Eleven: A Novel

Read: August 2024

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Station Eleven: A Novel

by Emily St. John Mandel

Station Eleven: A Novel by Emily St. John Mandel, one of The New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the Century, is set in the unsettling days of civilization’s collapse and tells the captivating story of a Hollywood star, his potential savior, and a nomadic group of actors traveling through the scattered outposts of the Great Lakes region. They risk everything for art and humanity, reminding us of the enduring power of culture even in the most dire circumstances.

Kirsten Raymonde will never forget the night Arthur Leander, the famous Hollywood actor, had a heart attack on stage during a production of King Lear. That night, a devastating flu pandemic arrived in the city, and within weeks, civilization as we know it came to an end. Little did she know that this event would set events to shape the world’s future.

Twenty years later, Kirsten, a key figure in the story, traverses the settlements of the altered world with a small troupe of actors and musicians. They are The Traveling Symphony, a group that has made it their mission to keep the remnants of art and humanity alive. Their encounters, particularly in St. Deborah by the Water, with a violent prophet threatening their existence, form a crucial part of the narrative. The story’s unique structure, moving back and forth in time, vividly depicts life before and after the pandemic, and the strange twist of fate that connects them all will keep you on the edge of your seat.

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Living With Loss, One Day at a Time

Read: September 2021

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Living With Loss, One Day at a Time

by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz

Living With Loss, One Day at a Time by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz is the book I would recommend for anyone beginning or in the early stages of grief. It should be on the griever’s nightstand so they can start and end their day with reading.

Ms. Kodanaz has presented at my bereavement groups and has been an inspiration. She encouraged me not only to continue writing but also to share my thoughts publicly.

Usually, I only write a review once I have finished the book. However, this is a collection of thoughts for each day of the journey. Over the first weekend, I read up to the number of days since my wife died. Now I will read the daily message each day. When I get to the end of the year, I will start over.

There are many essential gems in the daily readings. The one for Day 9, Love Never Dies, jumped off the page due to my writings on the same theme.

Love Never Dies. Your loved one has passed away, but the love you shared has not died. The memories you created, the connection you built together, and your affection toward one another will live forever.

Embrace the love and cherish the memories, as they will always be a part of you remain in your heart.

There are at least a dozen others that I have earmarked for future streams or even the basis of future posts.

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The Midnight Bargain

Read: February 2022

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The Midnight Bargain

by C.L. Polk

The Midnight Bargain by C.L. Polk is about Beatrice Clayborn, a sorceress, who was the next book to read. She practices magic in secret, terrified of being locked into a marital collar that will cut off her powers to protect her unborn children. She dreams of becoming a full-fledged Magus and pursuing magic as her calling as men do. Still, her family has staked everything to equip her for Bargaining Season, when young men and women of means descend upon the city to negotiate the best marriages. The Clayborn’s are in severe debt, and only she can save them by securing a good match before their creditors call.

In a stroke of luck, Beatrice finds a grimoire that contains the key to becoming a Magus, but before she can purchase it, a rival sorceress swindles the book right out of her hands. Beatrice summons a spirit to help her get it back, but her new ally exacts a price: Beatrice’s first kiss . . . with her adversary’s brother, the handsome, compassionate, and fabulously wealthy Ianthe Lavan.

The more Beatrice is entangled with the Lavan siblings, the harder her decision becomes: If she casts the spell to become a Magus, she will devastate her family and lose the only man to ever see her for who she is, but if she marries—even for love—she will sacrifice her magic, her identity, and her dreams. But how can she choose just one, knowing she will forever regret the path not taken?

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