Phantom Tapping of Jan’s Shoes
Jan Is With Me Now and Forever!
Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 46 seconds
“Hi honey, I did not want to wake you. The meeting ran later than I expected,” Jan said, the soft tapping of high-heel shoes on the wooden floor waking my sleepy body.
Still groggy, I tossed back the bed coverings and stood by the side of the bed, trying to shake off the sleep.
It looks like you are happy to see me,” Jan said with a wink, and I blushed, unable to respond with more than a smile.
“Go back to bed, sweetheart. I will join you in a minute,” Jan said, and I shook my head negatively.
Rubbing my sleepy eyes, I responded, “I am so happy to see you…” Suddenly, the bedroom became quieter, darker, and colder.
Realizing I was alone, I slipped back into bed. Pulling the sheets over my head, I accepted that it was not a dream but another example of time’s non-linear nature.
I rarely dream at night as I am a dreamer of the day because I could act on the “dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.”
If I ever dreamed at night, my insomnia eliminated my nighttime imagination. As T.E. Lawrence said, “Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity.”
However, the phantom tapping of the shoes seemed more accurate than my heartbeat. Yes, it was vanity. It also reminds us that our love will never die because Jan is with me now and forever.
Jan’s love transformed my life and will guide me on this last portion of my grief journey.
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As much as it might have appeared that I was in a dark tunnel after Jan died, I was not and am not now. There is indeed no defined end to the grief journey.
We all must learn how to live without our loved ones. The one I have chosen may not work for anyone else.
Because of how time-warped, Nell was confident that "Tig isn't exactly gone."
When I write about how Jan and I met and married, I think the same way Nell feels about Tig. Jan is not exactly gone, and I know she is still with me and always will be with me.
Grief has been an outstanding teacher, and it has taught me to live life fully.
