Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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By Sharing Jan's Love, I Live Fully and Interdepently!

They Know My Name!

By Sharing Jan's Love, I Live Fully and Interdepently!

“Excuse me, who handles Mr. Brown’s order?”

As I approached the deli counter at the Garwood Shoprite, I awaited my turn to inform the manager, Therese, of my name. However, I overheard her inquiring about my order before I could speak. Did she already know me?

Who has Richard Brown‘s order?” Therese called out.

Therese had already memorized my name!

John is working on your order now,” she announced.

I always show my gratitude to Therese as I retrieve my order.


Since the passing of my spouse, Jan, my circle of acquaintances has expanded and diversified.

Jan had always been worried about my limited social life as we grew older. She had more friends than I had and feared I would be lost in retirement.

Since the end of the COVID pandemic, I have been shopping on my own, so they have no idea whether I am single, married, or widowed. Nowadays, I have established more casual relationships, such as with the deli counter staff. Although they are always busy, I have tried to be friendly and patient with them.

Apart from my close friends who knew me when Jan was alive, people don’t identify me as a widow. They see me as a neighbor, a friend, or someone who enjoys walking. However, I always carry Jan’s memory with me and continue to share her love.

It’s incredible how every step I take seems to impact the world, all thanks to sharing Jan’s love. It’s like a domino effect, where each action creates a chain reaction. When more people unite and work towards a common goal, the ripples become waves, altering life’s fabric. Witnessing what can be achieved when we work in unison is truly awe-inspiring!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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My Community Mesh Network

Seamlessly moving between these communities strengthens each one and makes me healthier. Everyone should consider creating community mesh networks. My multi-community mesh network has been a lifesaver throughout my grief journey.

Although it cannot replace what I lost, it allows me to bring my loved one's spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.

Jan and her Orchid!

Happy Birthday, Jan!

Jan's Transformative Love Will Never Die!

I woke up at half past five, as I have for the last third of a century.

“Happy Birthday, my love,” I announced while my eyes adjusted to the dim light of the new day.

My eyes turned to Jan’s side of the bed and realized that no one was there.

Looking at the Peace Lllly, I accepted that I was alone. I was tempted to rotate the plant to see the blooms, but I chose not to out of concern that the plant might end up on the floor.

Stumbling into my kitchen, I accepted that this would be the second Birthday since 1974 that I would celebrate without the love of my life.

Two year’s ago, at the end of hospice, I wished her a happy birthday, but I am not sure she heard me.

Last year, more than one hundred friends joined our family and the Hanson Park Conservancy volunteers to celebrate her life as we dedicated and broke ground on Jan’s memorial garden. Although it was the day after Jan’s Birthday, the final planting and mulching of Jan’s Memorial Garden was completed on April 25, 2023. The short video provides an overview of the garden.

What began as a desire to plant a tree to honor Jan has become a living memorial.

  1. One hundred seventy-three friends donated to purchase two memorial benches,
  2. Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we transformed the triangular garden at the entrance by adding flower beds and a wind sculpture for meditation, contemplation, and dreams,
  3. The final cost of the two benches was less than what was raised, and
  4. The balance was used to establish the Jan Lilien Education Fund, which will sponsor ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs.

My family and I will be forever grateful to all the friends who have helped make this dream a reality.

Although I will always miss Jan, her love, which transformed my life and others, will never die.

Happy Birthday to the love of my life!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan’s Memorial Garden

Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park including installing the Wind Sculpture.

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Take Down Cancer

I Completed LLS’s Big Climb NJ 2023!

Jan's Love Never Dies!

This morning, I completed Big Climb NJ 2023, sponsored by The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS).

I climbed to the top of the twenty-six-story Gateway Center in Newark for Jan, the love of my life, and all those diagnosed with blood cancer.

My Apple Watch said I reached the summit of this year’s Big Climb in 8 minutes and 18 seconds. RaceWire, the official timekeeper, indicated I completed the stair climb in 7 minutes and 44 seconds and was 186th of 341 participants.

Each time my knees ached, I remembered how difficult it was for Jan to climb one step when we lived in the duplex apartment.

Any difficulty I felt is minor compared to Jan’s pain or the fear experienced by those diagnosed every nine minutes with blood cancer.

I was surprised by how emotional I felt when I took the train to Newark.

While registering and picking up my T-shirt, I wiped tears off my face.

Every ounce of my body and soul wanted Jan to climb with me as a survivor.

Being Earth Day made the climb more critical. If we are going to cure cancer, we need a healthy environment.

I climbed both for Jan to celebrate her seventy-third birthday and to step up to take down cancer by helping to find a cure for blood diseases.

I could not have climbed to the top without Jan’s love, support, and encouragement!

In addition, my family and overlapping community networks, faith, neighbors, fellow widows, friends, and more helped me during my grief journey. Without their support, I could not have climbed even one step.


It is still possible to donate to help cure cancer. Every dollar will help LLS find a cure for cancer.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I Will Climb for Jan on April 22nd!

On April 22nd, two days before Jan's birthday, I am joining The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) in the fight to cure blood cancers by participating in Big Climb NJ!

I have accepted the challenge of climbing 26 flights of stairs to the top of One Gateway Center and raising critical funds for blood cancer research and patient support.

I'm stepping up to take cancer down, and you can help me ensure that one day no one will have to die from leukemia and lymphoma!

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Non-Linear-Time

Phantom Tapping of Jan’s Shoes

Jan Is With Me Now and Forever!

“Hi honey, I did not want to wake you. The meeting ran later than I expected,” Jan said, the soft tapping of high-heel shoes on the wooden floor waking my sleepy body.

Still groggy, I tossed back the bed coverings and stood by the side of the bed, trying to shake off the sleep.

It looks like you are happy to see me,” Jan said with a wink, and I blushed, unable to respond with more than a smile.

“Go back to bed, sweetheart. I will join you in a minute,” Jan said, and I shook my head negatively.

Rubbing my sleepy eyes, I responded, “I am so happy to see you…” Suddenly, the bedroom became quieter, darker, and colder.

Realizing I was alone, I slipped back into bed. Pulling the sheets over my head, I accepted that it was not a dream but another example of time’s non-linear nature.


I rarely dream at night as I am a dreamer of the day because I could act on the “dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.”

If I ever dreamed at night, my insomnia eliminated my nighttime imagination. As T.E. Lawrence said, “Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity.”

However, the phantom tapping of the shoes seemed more accurate than my heartbeat. Yes, it was vanity. It also reminds us that our love will never die because Jan is with me now and forever.

Jan’s love transformed my life and will guide me on this last portion of my grief journey.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Widow Time is Non-Linear

As much as it might have appeared that I was in a dark tunnel after Jan died, I was not and am not now. There is indeed no defined end to the grief journey.

We all must learn how to live without our loved ones. The one I have chosen may not work for anyone else.

Because of how time-warped, Nell was confident that "Tig isn't exactly gone."

When I write about how Jan and I met and married, I think the same way Nell feels about Tig. Jan is not exactly gone, and I know she is still with me and always will be with me.

Grief has been an outstanding teacher, and it has taught me to live life fully.

Jan and her Orchid!

The Peace Lilly of Love!

No Green Thumb But Flowers Bloom With Jan's Love!

The Peace Lilly of Love!

The Peace Lilly of Love!

“You are overwatering the plants,” Jan declared.

Her comment baffled me, as I had only watered them once while she was in the hospital for the last two weeks.

I apologized and promised to do better.

“Why are you apologizing?”

Because I did not take care of the plants.

Turning on the faucet, I filled up the watering can.

“Do not worry about the plants; I need your help to get upstairs.”


I have always liked flowering plants and wanted to believe that Jan was not the only one with a green thumb.

Thanks to my friend Deb, I took a giant step toward making Apartment 3B my home last September!

With Deb’s guidance and commitment to care for the plants, an Orchid Jan received twenty-two months ago while in the hospital bloomed for the first time in February.

I was surprised that my Peace Lilly bloomed last week.

Jan and the Peace Lilly are the last things I see at night and the first things I see in the morning. It is on a bookcase by my bed next to a photo of the love of my life.

I have accepted I will never be a master gardener, but Jan is still with me now, and her love will ensure that the plants thrive and bloom forever.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Flowers Convert 3B Into a Home

Thanks to my friend Deb, I have made a giant step in making Apartment 3B my home! Deb, a master gardener and a member of the Hanson Park Conservancy and the Green Thumb Garden Club, helped me select the plants, and she re-potted them.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

By Sharing Jan's Love, I Live Fully and Interdepently!
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Commitment: A novel

Read: April 2023

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Commitment: A Novel

by Mona Simpson

The novel Commitment by Mona Simpson delves into the complexities of family and duty when a parent falls ill. It sheds light on the significant impact of untreated mental health crises and highlights the under-appreciated role of friends in shaping the lives of children left to their own devices.

A hardworking single mother, Diane Aziz falls into a deep depression after dropping off her oldest son, Walter, at college. Despite her struggles, her closest friend is vital in keeping the family together and their mother’s dreams alive.

This is a story of one family’s struggle to navigate the crisis of their lives, a struggle that may resonate with many readers. Walter discovers a newfound passion for architecture, but financial struggles threaten his academic pursuits. Meanwhile, Lina fights to attend an Ivy League school, and Donny, the youngest sibling, battles a dangerous drug addiction.

As someone with different personal experiences, I still found Commitment to affirm the importance of biological and chosen families.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan and her Orchid!
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Take Down Cancer
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Non-Linear-Time
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Camp Zero

Read: April 2023

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Camp Zero: A Novel

by Michelle Min Sterling

I recently read an incredible novel called Camp Zero by Michelle Min Sterling. The book tells the story of several climate change survivors in a near-future northern settlement and explores the intersection of gender, class, and migration. The novel is a page-turner and a masterful exploration of who and what will survive in a warming world.

The story follows Rose, a young woman who agrees to spy on the architect of an American building project in exchange for housing. She arrives at the same time as Grant, a college professor who is trying to escape his wealthy family’s dark legacy. As they begin to investigate the mysterious architect, they uncover a disturbing mystery lurking beneath the surface of the camp.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the novel is the inclusion of an elite group of women soldiers living and working at a nearby Cold War-era climate research station. The rumors surrounding their presence add more intrigue to an already compelling story.

If you’re looking for a captivating novel that will keep you on the edge of your seat, I highly recommend Camp Zero. The book is a mesmerizing and transportive read, perfect for fans of Station Eleven and The Power.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Jan and her Orchid!
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The Little Prince

Read: May 2021

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The Little Prince

by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry is often referred to as a children’s book. I read it as a child and later read it to my children. After Jan died, I picked it up again and read it more than once.

I have found quotes from the book very helpful during my grief journey. These are three that I often use in my writing and my conversations with friends and family.

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.”

It is such a mysterious place, the land of tears.

You see, one loves the sunset when one is so sad.”

The first quote about beautiful things only felt in the heart summarizes how I knew Jan was the one for me within seconds of meeting her.

For those who have not read the book, this overview might help convince you to read it today!

The Little Prince describes his journey from planet to planet, each tiny world populated by a single adult. It’s a wonderfully inventive sequence that evokes the great fairy tales and monuments of postmodern whimsy. The author pokes similar fun at a business person, a geographer, and a lamplighter, all of whom signify some futile aspect of adult existence.

The Little Prince will be by my bedside as long as I live!

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Sarah's Key

Read: January 2022

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Sarah’s Key

by Tatiana de Rosnay

Sarah’s Key by Tatiana de Rosnay is the untold story of the roundup of the Jews in Paris in July 1942. The novel focuses on how the French were complicit in rounding up thousands of Jews in 1942. It is also a reminder that we can never allow another genocide. I finished this book the day before Holocaust Remembrance Day, January 27, the date on which the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration and death camp complex was liberated in 1945.

Ten-year-old Sarah is brutally arrested with her family in the Vel’ d’Hiv’ roundup, the most notorious act of French collaboration with the Nazis. But before the police come to take them, Sarah locks her younger brother, Michel, in their favorite hiding place, a cupboard in the family’s apartment. She keeps the key, thinking she will be back within a few hours.

Paris, May 2002: On Vel’ d’Hiv’s sixtieth anniversary, Julia Jarmond, an American journalist, is asked by her Paris-based American magazine to write an article about this black day in France’s past. Julia has lived in Paris for nearly twenty-five years and married a Frenchman, and she is shocked both by her ignorance about the event and the silence that still surrounds it.

The twin narratives of Sarah and Julia hold the first two-thirds of the book together and make it a page-turner. Sarah’s memory reminds us during the final third of the book and ensures that the complete story of the Vel’ d’Hiv’ roundup and its lasting impact are told.

As Goodreads describes the novel,

In the course of her investigation, she stumbles onto a trail of long-hidden family secrets that connects her to Sarah. Julia finds herself compelled to retrace the girl’s ordeal, from the terrible days spent shut in at the Vel’ d’Hiv’ to the camps and beyond. As she probes into Sarah’s past, she begins to question her own place in France and to reevaluate her marriage and her life.

Writing about the fate of her country with a pitiless clarity, Tatiana de Rosnay offers us a brilliantly subtle, compelling portrait of France under occupation and reveals the taboos and denial surrounding this painful episode in French history.

I highly recommend the book.

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An American Marriage

Read: September 2024

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An American Marriage

by Tayari Jones

Today, I started reading “An American Marriage” by Tayari Jones. It is a masterpiece of storytelling that delves into people’s souls as they confront the past and move forward into the future with hope and pain. The book, which has won numerous awards and was selected as one of The New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the 21st Century, is a must-read for any contemporary fiction enthusiast.

Newlyweds Celestial and Roy embody both the American Dream and the New South. He is a young executive, and she is an artist on the brink of an exciting career. But as they settle into their routines, they are ripped apart by circumstances neither could have imagined. Their story reflects the complexities of modern relationships and the impact of the criminal justice system on individuals and families.

Roy’s arrest and subsequent twelve-year sentence for a crime he didn’t commit shatters their world. Though fiercely independent, Celestial finds herself adrift, seeking solace in Andre, her childhood friend and the best man at their wedding. As Roy’s time in prison stretches on, she struggles to hold on to the love that has always been her anchor. When Roy’s conviction is finally overturned after five years, he returns to Atlanta, ready to pick up the pieces of their shattered life, a testament to their resilience and enduring love.

This stirring love story is a profoundly insightful look into the hearts and minds of three people who are at once bound and separated by forces beyond their control. “An American Marriage” is a masterpiece of storytelling—an intimate look deep into people’s souls who must reckon with the past while moving forward—with hope and pain—into the future.



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Send for Me

Read: January 2022

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Send for Me

by Lauren Fox

Send for Me by Lauren Fox. Send for Me is an achingly beautiful work of historical fiction that moves between Germany on the eve of World War II and present-day Wisconsin, unspooling a thread of love, longing, and the constant push and pull of family. Annelise is a dreamer: imagining her future while working at her parents’ famous bakery in Feldenheim, Germany, anticipating all the delicious possibilities yet to come. There are rumors that anti-Jewish sentiment is on the rise, but Annelise and her parents can’t quite believe that it will affect them; they’re hardly religious at all. But as Annelise falls in love, marries, and gives birth to her daughter, the dangers grow closer: a brick was thrown through her window; a childhood friend who cuts ties with her; customers refuse to patronize the bakery.

This novel explores mothers and daughters, duty and obligation, hope and forgiveness of four generations of mothers and daughters – Klara, Annelise, Ruth, and Clare.

Klara is the matriarch who remains in Germany, where she dies at the beginning of the war. Annelise is her daughter who becomes a refugee in Milwaukee. The poignant letters from her mother ask for help to leave Germany and reunite with her daughter and granddaughter Ruthie, tying together the four generations.

The letters are found by Clara, who pays to have them translated. Can we ever escape from the past, and how does it shape our futures.

I enjoyed reading this book as I prefer historical fiction, especially about the rise of Germany and antisemitism.

Send for Me is also a reminder that we are refugees.

Our lives are forever intertwined between two cultures, the past and the future.

I highly recommend Send for Me.

 

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At the Villa Rose

Read: August 2022

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At the Villa Rose

by Major Alfred Edward Woodley Mason

At the Villa Rose by Major Alfred Edward Woodley Mason, initially published in 1910, is a mystery novel in which Major Mason introduced his French detective, Inspector Hanaud, who was an early template for Agatha Christie’s famous Hercule Poirot. Missing jewels, high adventure some one hundred and fifty kilometers from Geneva, a casino, and blind love are all factors in a complex case for Hanaud, which ultimately involves a gang of frightened murderers. If you enjoy deductive mysteries like me, I highly recommend At the Villa Rose.

The Goodreads summary,

In Aix les Bains during the early 20th century, Celia Harland, a beautiful (of course) young English girl down on her luck, is befriended by a wealthy widow, Madame Dauvray, an addict of “spiritualism,” and stages seances for her benefactrix, while knowing full well that the supposed manifestations from the spirit world are entirely bogus. This set-up supplies the opportunity for a criminal gang master-minded by Madame Dauvray’s maid, with their eyes on the widow’s jewelry collection, to engineer an introduction for one of their numbers, Adele Tacé (“Rossignol”), whose taunts of disbelief goad the old lady into allowing a seance to be held which, unsuspected by either Celia or her patron, will be the cover for murder and robbery.

The crux of the plot is that as a medium, Celia will be made their innocent victim, on whom suspicion is to be planted.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Misinterpretation

Read: August 2025

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Misinterpretation: A Novel

by Ledia Xhoga

Ledia Xhoga‘s debut novel, Misinterpretation, is a reflective and engaging work longlisted for the 2025 Booker Prize. The novel delves into the darker legacies of family and country, exploring the tension between compassion and self-preservation. Additionally, it won the 2024 New York City Book Award for a first book, a prestigious recognition in the literary world. It was a finalist for the 2024 Center for Fiction First Novel Prize.

Set in present-day New York City, the story follows an Albanian interpreter who reluctantly agrees to work with Alfred, a Kosovar torture survivor, during his therapy sessions. Despite her husband’s warnings, she becomes increasingly entangled in her clients’ struggles. Alfred’s nightmares unearth her own buried memories, and an impulsive attempt to help a Kurdish poet leads to a risky encounter and a reckless plan. The emotional journey of the protagonist will surely resonate with you.

As a series of ill-fated decisions jeopardize the narrator’s marriage and mental health, she takes a spontaneous trip to reunite with her mother in Albania. This trip is a fascinating exploration of the contrast between her life in the United States and her roots back home. Upon returning, she must confront the consequences of her actions and question what is real and what is not.


Ledia Xhoga, the author of Misinterpretation, is an Albanian-American fiction writer and playwright. Her personal experiences and cultural background have deeply influenced her writing. Before earning an MFA in fiction from Texas State University, she worked in publishing in New York City. Her writing, which often explores themes of identity and belonging, has been featured in various journals, including Intrepid Times, Hobart, and KGB Magazine. Originally from Tirana, Albania, she now lives with her family in Brooklyn and the Catskills.



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