My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
I recently discovered an excellent short story collection called A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories by Jai Chakrabarti. This author won the National Jewish Book Award for debut fiction with his novel A Play for the End of the World, and it is clear that his talent extends to the short story form as well.
Jan's Last Gift Continues Giving Me Hay Fever
“All I have in stock is Claritan D, 24-hour.”
Standing at the counter of Baron Drugs after a 7.88-mile walk, I said I would take the package.
My eyes felt like I was underwater, and my nose had sniffled my entire hike.
As he processed the payment, I complimented him on the extensive and expensive improvements to the store.
Thanks, it is more efficient and lets us serve our customers better.
Walking out with the medication in my jacket pocket, I remembered being here with Jan when we were looking for CBD products to help her with neuropathy. The store looked like it could have been the set for a 1950s movie.
Arriving in 3B, I ripped open the box and took a pill before removing my jacket. My symptoms began to subside over breakfast.
Although the pollinosis medication is non-drowsy, I have felt a little weirder than usual.
I have never been one to take a variety of medications. All I take daily are multivitamins and enough Vitamins C and D to meet my daily requirements.
In time, I am confident the Calritan effect will vanish, and I will not even remember adding this to my regimen.
Jan always suffered from Hay Fever, but pollen has never impacted me.
When Jan died, I thought her lasting gift to me was her enduring love. The more I give it away, the more love I have to share.
Perhaps, Jan also gave me hay fever to remember her forever. It is, like her love, a gift that keeps on giving.
The Calritan is working, and I will be well soon, and my love for Jan will never die.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
It appears that the trees are blossoming.
Therefore, I am confident Jan's love has not and never will die. It is stronger now than it was on the day I met her.
When I sneeze from too much pollen, I accept it as a sign that she is still with me and loves me as much as I love her.
Have I Lost My Resilience?
Like a weighted blanket, time can fold back upon itself and cloak me into a different space and time.
For several days, I had felt as if I were sleepwalking like two years ago when Jan was home for hospice.
During hospice, I showered Jan with love to the point that I felt depleted of energy and stamina.
When I kissed Jan on the final morning, I was unsure how or if I could continue to live.
A good friend called me in the afternoon and offered condolences. He said something I did not fully comprehend in my initial hours as a widow.
You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today.
One day at a time, I learned that resilience could and does help us to adapt. It became a secret power that allowed me to live fully despite having my body and soul shredded into a million pieces like the glass bottle we smashed on our wedding day.
Each day I gained strength and rebuilt my life by sharing Jan’s love.
Walking shrunk my waist and allowed my mind to wonder and think creatively.
Building on that foundation, I framed my new life with love and faith. The trusses of my gabled roof are my reading and my writing.
I will forever miss Jan, but with a new framework, I have regained a purpose by helping others.
As Jane Goodall wrote,
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.
For forty-eight hours, my life has reverted to one devoid of meaning.
Am I no longer reslient? Did I lose my mojo?
I do not know, but my body and soul feel weak and hopeless.
Despite the many miles I walk daily, my legs fill like water balloons, yet I cannot give up. Jan’s love spurs me to impact the world not by sleepwalking but by making a difference. Can I do this?
My doubts overflow like high tide in the Bay of Fundy.
Despite my anxiety, I still hear Jan whispering her words of wisdom,
Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.
Soon the fog bank will break, and Jan’s undying love will let me regain my focus and continue to impact the world positively.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
The day Jan died, I wasn't sure how long I would live.
I still do not know, but none of us knows how many days we will live.
A good friend called the morning after the love of my life died to offer his sympathy and support.
He said, "You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today."
At that moment, I was unconvinced of his opinion.
But over time, my resilience has rebounded.
In Cranford, I Do Not Need a Car for Daily Errands
As I was lost in thought during my walk, I suddenly heard a familiar voice calling me. As the person got closer, I recognized my neighbor, Franco, carrying two large bags of bread. He shouted a greeting, saying, “Hey, Buddy, I’m right behind you!”
Walking to his shop, Venue 104, made me appreciate how fortunate I am to live in a neighborhood where most of my daily tasks can be accomplished on foot. The walkability score of my community is an impressive 96, which has been a tremendous help as I navigate my grief journey.
I’m also grateful to be an active member of several supportive communities that provide me with the necessary strength and encouragement. Without these connections, I wouldn’t have made it this far.
As Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie, one of his daughters, in Hello Beautiful.
We’re separated from the world by our own edges. We’re all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is.
Despite the difficulty in finding joy in life without Jan, I’m taking things one day at a time and discovering happiness in simple things like walking, faith, reading, and more.
Although I can never replace Jan, sharing her love helps me keep her memory alive in this new chapter of my life.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
I Live in Community and Reside in My Home!
As Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie, one of his daughters, in Hello Beautiful, "We're separated from the world by our own edges. We're all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is."
As a widow, it is sometimes difficult for me to appreciate the beauty of life without my beloved partner, Jan. However, I am learning to take things one day at a time and embrace life to the fullest. Although Jan's loss can never be replaced, I feel fortunate to have a supportive network that allows me to keep her spirit alive and share her love with others.
We can face life alone in fear or unite and support one another. For me, living interdependently in multiple communities has helped manage my grief..
Adding a New Node to My Network
“I am a friend of Rabbi Renee…”
“Wow, you know our Renee?”
I nodded yes to the question, which was the perfect icebreaker that could dismantle the largest glaciers in a nanosecond.
“Amazing that you joined us when you did not know anyone here. We always welcome strangers.”
I attended Second Night Seder at the Monmouth Reform Temple (MRT) in Tinton Falls for the second night of the Passover Seder.
Rabbi Renee, a friend and my rabbi will become the new religious leader at MRT on July 1.
To describe my arrival in Tinton Falls as a warm welcome would be several degrees lower than the enthusiasm that enveloped me.
Walking into a room with more than eighty congregants when the only person I knew was their new rabbi might have been daunting to some people, but I found it as easy as adding a new node to my community mesh network.
I live in a community mesh network (CMN), allowing me to move from one node to another. It is seamless, and adding a new node is as easy as 1-2-3.
My CMN reflects the reality of our real lives: we belong to multiple communities and must be able to move between them and remain interconnected.
Seamlessly moving between my communities of family, friends, neighbors, and faith strengthens each and makes me healthier.
Without my multi-community mesh network, I am unsure if I could have survived my grief journey.
It does not replace what I lost when Jan died, but my seamless network allows me to bring Jan’s spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.
You must return next year when Renee will lead the seder,” several new friends said as I walked to my car.
I am still trying to figure out what to do next year, but I am happy to have added a new node to my community mesh network.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Seamlessly moving between these communities strengthens each one and makes me healthier. Everyone should consider creating community mesh networks. My multi-community mesh network has been a lifesaver throughout my grief journey.
Although it cannot replace what I lost, it allows me to bring my loved one's spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.
The New Earth, by Jess Row, is a commanding investigation of our deep and impossible desire to undo the injustices we have both inflicted and been forced to endure. When I read books about dysfunctional families, I am reminded of how important family is to our health and how blessed I am not to be a member of a family like the one Jess Row has created. I highly recommend this book!
The Secret Ingredient Makes It the Best!
“Honey, I’m feeling pretty hungry,” Jan said as I handed her the morning medication.
As her loving husband and caregiver, I asked what she had in mind. “I’m really in the mood for some Matzoh Brei,” she replied.
I wasn’t sure how to make it, so I headed downstairs to find a recipe.
“Wait a minute, you’ve never made Matzoh Brei before and you don’t even like it,” she reminded me. Jan quickly jotted down a recipe for me to follow.
In the kitchen, I followed her instructions step by step, with the only change I put in all my love into the Matzoh Brei. After some time, I went back upstairs and served her breakfast. I said, “Here you go, my love. Do you require anything else?”
Jan was in the middle of a call and shook her head negatively, so I quietly left the room and headed downstairs. As I reached the first floor, I overheard Jan exclaiming, “Wow, this is the best Matzoh Brei I’ve ever had!
I smiled as I continued to our living room, remembering my grandmother’s lesson. Following Jan’s directions, I prepared the Matzoh Brei and added the secret ingredient – love!
I received the news that I hoped never to hear two years ago today.
“I’m sorry to say this, but the only option for Janice is hospice,” Dr. Strair said.
Hearing those words, my stomach flipped, and I felt like it had jumped out of the window. The call had been about planning for Jan’s recovery, but now we were discussing her death.
Today, 24 months later, I still can’t eat Matzoh Brei, but my love for Jan remains strong.
I’ve learned that love never dies, and I take it one day at a time. Even though I miss Jan, I strive to share her passion for life and kindle the light from her effervescent smiles to repair the world.
Love is the elusive yet essential ingredient that makes life complete and fulfilling.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Jai Chakrabarti
I recently discovered an excellent short story collection called A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories by Jai Chakrabarti. This author won the National Jewish Book Award for debut fiction with his novel A Play for the End of the World, and it is clear that his talent extends to the short story form as well.
The stories in this collection follow men and women as they navigate transformations and familial bonds across countries and cultures. Each story is unique and captivating, but the one that struck me was the title story about a closeted gay man in 1980s Kolkata who seeks to have a child with his lover’s wife. Chakrabarti’s skill as a storyteller is on full display in this story and throughout the collection.
I highly recommend A Small Sacrifice for an Enormous Happiness: Stories if you want a book exploring love and family’s complexities in uncertain times. Each story is a masterful exploration of what it means to cultivate a family across borders, religions, and races. I look forward to reading more by Jai Chakrabarti in the future.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
In the fourteen masterful stories of this collection, Jai Chakrabarti crosses continents and cultures to explore what it means to cultivate a family across borders, religions, and races today.
In the title story, a closeted gay man in 1980s Kolkata seeks to have a child with his lover’s wife. An Indian widow, engaged to a Jewish man, struggles to balance her cultural identity with the rituals and traditions of her newfound family. An American musician travels to see his guru for the final time—and makes a promise he cannot keep. A young woman from an Indian village arrives in Brooklyn to care for the toddler of a biracial couple. And a mystical agent is sent by a mother to solve her son’s domestic problems.
Throughout, the characters’ most vulnerable desires shape life-altering decisions as they seek to balance their needs against those of the people they hold closest.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Subscribe to Sharing Jan's Love Newsletter!
by Jess Row
The New Earth, by Jess Row, is a commanding investigation of our deep and impossible desire to undo the injustices we have both inflicted and been forced to endure. When I read books about dysfunctional families, I am reminded of how important family is to our health and how blessed I am not to be a member of a family like the one Jess Row has created. I highly recommend this book!
The Wilcoxes saga is a case study of the difficulties of modern relationships. The reunion at the wedding of their daughter Winter unfolds in a manner that keeps the reader engaged until the final words appear on the page. Lies, infidelity, and how these actions compound and create problems for the younger generation is a book well worth reading.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
For fifteen years, the Wilcoxes have been a family in name only. Though never the picture of happiness, they once seemed like a typical white Jewish clan from the Upper West Side. But in the early 2000s, two events ruptured the relationships between them. First, Naomi revealed to her children that her biological father was Black. In the aftermath, college-age daughter Bering left home to become a radical peace activist in Palestine’s West Bank, where an Israeli Army sniper killed her.
In 2018, Winter Wilcox is getting married, and her only demand is that her mother, father, and brother emerge from their self-imposed isolations and gather once more. After decades of neglecting personal and political wounds, each remaining family member must face their fractured history and decide if they can ever reconcile.
Assembling a vast chorus of voices and ideas from across the globe, Jess Row “explodes the saga from within–blows the roof off, so to speak, to let in politics, race, theory, and the narrative self-awareness that the form had seemed hell-bent on ignoring” (Jonathan Lethem).
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Audrey Niffenegger
My wife had asked me to read – The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger – on several occasions. When we first met, we both liked to read fiction and non-fiction. As we aged, I focused almost exclusively on non-fiction, and she focused on fiction. Since her passing, I have started reading more of both genres. We could now have a book club!
Both Jan and I have always enjoyed books and movies about time travel. If I could travel back in time, there are tens of thousands of days I would love to spend with her again. But time travel is not possible. Or is it? Her spirit returns to me whenever I am paralyzed and encourages me to dust myself off and keep going. Maybe one day we will time travel together!
I enjoyed reading this book, even if it was difficult to keep track of the periods. It is very much the type of time-traveling book that both of us would have liked to read, and it has helped me to imagine a world in which Jan and I will meet again.
But what if it is not time travel as imagined by H. G. Wells. As the Hasidic story foretold, God split our souls at birth and placed one part of my soul in her body and placed the rest into my body. Very few people are lucky enough to find the person who has the other half of their soul, and Jan and I did.
When my life ends, what if God takes a portion of our two souls and places them into new bodies. Each of their souls would include a part of each of us. Those two new people would have to find each other in the future to connect as we did. They might not see each other and forever hunger for true love. Whatever happened, they would not know that they once were very much in love.
by Tess Gunty
My sixtieth book this year, The Rabbit Hutch, was a page-turner that I highly recommend. The Rabbit Hutch by Tess Gunty is a debut novel that won the 2022 National Book Award for fiction. It is a novel about four teenagers—recently aged out of the state foster-care system—living together in an apartment building in the post-industrial Midwest, exploring the quest for transcendence and the desire for love.
As Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.
Ms. Gunty’s book focuses on that ultimate and higher goal. If you can read only one book this year, I recommend The Rabbit Hutch!
“This week is the ceremony for the National Book Award, and one of the finalists is Tess Gunty, whose debut novel, The Rabbit Hutch, is a finalist in the fiction category,” said Kerry Nolan as she spoke with Ms. Gunty.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
The automobile industry has abandoned Vacca Vale, Indiana, leaving the residents behind, too. In a run-down apartment building on the edge of town, commonly known as the Rabbit Hutch, several people now reside quietly, looking for ways to live in a dying city. Apartment C2 is lonely and detached. C6 is aging and stuck. C8 harbors a great fear. But C4 is of particular interest.
Here live four teenagers who have recently aged out of the state foster-care system: three boys and one girl, Blandine, who The Rabbit Hutch centers around. Hauntingly beautiful and unnervingly bright, Blandine is plagued by the structures, people, and places that not only failed her but actively harmed her. Now all Blandine wants is an escape, a true bodily escape like the mystics describe in the books she reads.
Set across one week and culminating in a shocking act of violence, The Rabbit Hutch chronicles a town on the brink, desperate for rebirth. How far will its residents—especially Blandine—go to achieve it? Does one person’s gain always come at another’s expense? Tess Gunty’s The Rabbit Hutch is a gorgeous and provocative tale of loneliness and community, entrapment and freedom. It announces a major new voice in American fiction, one bristling with intelligence and vulnerability.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.
by Sara Hamdan
If you’re in the mood for a book that’s equal parts hilarious and heartwarming, look no further than “What Will People Think?” by Sara Hamdan. This captivating tale takes readers on a journey of self-discovery, inviting them to explore the hidden facets of their identity. With its poignant exploration of love in all its many forms, the novel masterfully shows how these connections can truly transform us and inspire personal growth, leaving you inspired and uplifted.
Mia Almas, like many of us, has a secret. By day, she works as a media fact-checker—a role that her conservative Arab grandparents approve of. But by night, she performs at comedy clubs across New York City. Her grandparents’ approval is a significant part of her life, and it’s this conflict between their expectations and her true self that adds depth to her story.
As Mia pursues a forbidden romance with her boss, her standup gets better and bolder, leading to a surprising spotlight that exposes her secret gig. Horrified and worried that her rebellious act could mean significant consequences for her reserved Palestinian-American family, Mia frantically dives into damage control. However, all of her efforts to retreat from the spotlight reveal a family scandal from the 1940s that could alter everything, adding unexpected twists to her story.
As a hopeless romantic, I found this charming story to be an irresistible page-turner that will leave you both laughing and reflecting long after you’ve turned the last page.
Sara Hamdan, a Berkeley and Columbia graduate, is a former Merrill Lynch banker, New York Times journalist, and editor at Google. After winning a Netflix short story award, she received the First Chapter: Emirates Literature Foundation Seddiqi First Chapter Writers’ Fellowship for her debut novel, What Will People Think? Sara is Palestinian American, raised in Greece, and has called Dubai home for twenty years. When she’s not typing away on her laptop, she loves to spend time at the beach with her husband and two kids.
When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!
Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!
by Han Kang
Today, I started reading The Vegetarian: A Novel by Han Kang, Winner of the 2024 Nobel Prize in Literature. The novel also won The International Booker Prize and is one of The New York Times’s 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. Celebrated by critics worldwide, The Vegetarian is a darkly allegorical, Kafka-esque tale of power, obsession, and one woman’s struggle to break free from the violence both without and within her.
Before the nightmares began, Yeong-hye and her husband lived an ordinary, controlled life. But the dreams—invasive images of blood and brutality—torture her, driving Yeong-hye to purge her mind and renounce eating meat altogether. It’s a small act of independence, but it interrupts her marriage and sets into motion an increasingly grotesque chain of events at home.
As her husband, her brother-in-law, and her sister each fight to reassert their control, Yeong-hye obsessively defends the choice that’s become sacred to her. Soon, their attempts turn desperate, subjecting first her mind and then her body to ever more intrusive and perverse violations, sending Yeong-hye spiraling into a dangerous, bizarre estrangement, not only from those closest to her but also from herself.
Han Kang was born in 1970 in South Korea. She is the author of The Vegetarian, which I have read, and winner of the International Booker Prize, Human Acts, The White Book, Greek Lessons, and We Do Not Part. In 2024, she received the Nobel Prize in Literature.
When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!
by Quiara Alegría Hudes
“The White Hot” by Quiara Alegría Hudes is a letter from a mother to her daughter, reflecting on a moment of abandonment that stretches from ten days to ten years. It offers an explanation rather than an apology. Hudes tells April’s story—spiritual and sensual, fierce and humorous—using delicate lyricism and tough love. Through this narrative, Hudes transforms April’s struggle for self-discovery into an unforgettable short epic.
April is a young mother raising her daughter in a multigenerational home filled with unspoken secrets and loud arguments. Her only refuge is the locked bathroom, where she plugs her ears into an ambient soundscape and repeats a mantra: “dead inside.” This continues until one day, as she feels herself spiraling toward the volcanic rage she calls “the white hot,” an inner voice tells her to simply walk away.
She goes to a bus station and asks for a one-way ticket to the furthest destination. This ticket takes her from her Philadelphia home to the threshold of a wilderness, marking the start of a nameless quest—an accidental journey that awakens her, nearly kills her, and leads her to an impossible choice.
As April discovers the key to freeing herself and her family from a cycle of generational trauma through her painful and absurd journey,
Quiara Alegría Hudes is a Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright known for her plays “Water by the Spoonful” and “In the Heights,” the latter of which won the Tony Award for Best Musical. She also adapted this musical for the screen.
Her memoir, “My Broken Language,” was longlisted for the Andrew Carnegie Medal. Hudes has written essays published in prominent outlets, including The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Cut, The Nation, and American Theater Magazine. Additionally, she co-founded the prison writing program Emancipated Stories with her cousin Sean.
Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!
by Anna Solomon
The Book of V by Anna Solomon is a book that I may not have read at another time in my life, and I did find it to be a book that I could not stop reading.
Goodreads summarizes its plot.
Anna Solomon’s kaleidoscopic novel intertwines the lives of a Brooklyn mother in 2016, a senator’s wife in 1970s Washington, D.C., and the Bible’s Queen Esther, whose stories of sex, power and desire overlap and ultimately converge—showing how women’s roles have and have not changed over thousands of years.
Being Jewish, I knew the story of Queen Esther, although this version added new layers of the story that I did not know. The book’s illumination that women’s roles have not changed over thousands of years was something I knew but did not fully understand.
The three characters are very vivid and weave a story that is worth reading.
Lily is a mother and a daughter. And a second wife. And a writer, maybe? Or she was going to be, before she had children. Now, in her rented Brooklyn apartment, she’s grappling with her sexual and intellectual desires while also trying to manage her roles as a mother and a wife.
Vivian Barr seems to be the perfect political wife, dedicated to helping her charismatic and ambitious husband find success in Watergate-era Washington D.C. But one night he demands a humiliating favor, and her refusal to obey changes the course of her life—along with the lives of others.
Esther is a fiercely independent young woman in ancient Persia, where she and her uncle’s tribe live a tenuous existence outside the palace walls. When an innocent mistake results in devastating consequences for her people, she is offered up as a sacrifice to please the king, in the hopes that she will save them all.
I recommend this book.
