My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
I've begun reading Berlin: A Novel by Bea Setton. After finishing Kairos, a book set in a divided Berlin, Setton's debut novel is witty and insightful, with a young woman battling a sense of emptiness who moves to Berlin for a fresh start. However, things go differently than planned.
My Interconnected Worlds Grow Stronger!
I was checking the NJ Transit board for train schedules when I stumbled upon a rare one-seat ride to Cranford. My friend, Arnold’s train, was leaving earlier, so we agreed to stay in touch. As he headed towards his platform, I thanked him for inviting me to see “Eisenhower: This Piece of Ground.”
During the Raritan Valley train ride, I suddenly realized my throat was parched. Unfortunately, it was too late to get off and buy a water bottle. When I arrived, I focused on rushing home to quench my thirst. While crossing North Avenue, I heard someone call my name. It was Chris with his brother, Billy, and a couple sitting outside Ambelis. Chris asked if I knew Molly and Adam, but I replied negatively, and he introduced me.
After exchanging pleasantries, Chris revealed that Molly and Adam were getting married. I congratulated them and showed them my ring finger, saying, “I am still married!” Chris asked me how long it had been since my wife, Jan, had passed away. I told him it had been 25 months.
Chris and Billy fondly remembered how Jan and I loved each other and how I still loved and honored her. I chimed in, saying that love never dies. Molly, an actor, and a florist, commented on how wonderful it is to see that love can be so strong that it survives a partner’s death. Billy added that he and his brother admired me because not many couples can love as fully as Jan and I did.
After hugging everyone, I thanked Chris for warmly welcoming Patty and Jan when I introduced them to him on Sunday. He reminded me that his friends were my friends, and we went our separate ways. In that brief and unexpected encounter, four of my worlds came together, reminding me of my community mesh network and how it had helped me navigate my grief.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Community Engagement Makes Me Stronger Than Grief
I came across an enlightening essay by Brad Stulberg in The New York Times that helped me articulate my thoughts. Stulberg emphasized the significance of being connected to others within a community and how we are stronger when we are together. This is a belief that I have always held and advocated for.
In his essay, Stulberg shares a quote from Ram Dass: "We're all just walking each other home." This quote struck a chord because it made me realize that I'm not alone on my journey - I have Jan and a supportive community by my side. Being a part of a community has always been important to Jan and me. We've worked hard to create and revitalize physical and virtual neighborhoods. Even though Jan is no longer with me, I'm still involved in multiple communities and find comfort in the sense of togetherness they provide.
All We Need Are Freinds
Sometimes, days can be dull and unmemorable, but every once in a while, life surprises us with a day we will never forget. Last Sunday, Patty and Jan, two friends from my Saturday Chosen Family Grief Group, visited me, even though the NJ Transit bus driver was lost and needed directions. They joined other passengers on the journey singing, “Did they ever return? No, they never returned, and their fate is still unknown..” But they persisted and made it to Cranford!
Together, we went to Hanson Park to see my wife’s memorial garden and wind sculpture. We sat on one of the benches dedicated to my wife’s memory and enjoyed delicious Greek lemon soup from Ambelis and pastries from Papa Ganache bakery. It was a fantastic day filled with joyous memories I will always cherish. Thank you, Patty and Jan, for making it a day I will never forget. Later that evening, we had dinner with four other widows, where three of the diners celebrated their birthdays, including Patty and Jan.
Although we had many visitors when we celebrated Jan’s life, the number of widows who have come to Cranford since that event is minimal. Spending Sunday in the park with Patty and Jan was a fantastic day filled with memories I will always treasure. As much as I love reminiscing about old times, I also want and need more opportunities to share my piece of ground with my friends.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Chosen Family Minimizes My Grief!
As Melissa Kirsch wrote in The NY Times, chosen families are often created outside the traditional nuclear family structure and have become my source of love and support.
From grief support groups to my faith community and my circle of friends, I am grateful for the interconnectedness of these communities. They have become my chosen family, and I depend on them just as they count on me. Through it all, I have learned that love never dies.
Jan's Love Helps Me Be a Rock for Others!
Jan began calling me her “rock” a year after we met. As a romantic, I felt pleased to hear this, as I desired to love and be everything to her. However, when Jan was diagnosed with Lymphoma, I wept and began questioning whether I could be there for her in every way she needed. Jan’s life was once like a beautiful hand-knitted quilt, but it unraveled into countless loose threads after her diagnosis. As her husband, my duty was to be her support system, even though I feared she might not make it.
During the initial stages of Jan’s cancer treatment, we arranged chemotherapy sessions and consultations with the oncologists. We were optimistic that every step we took brought us closer to Jan’s full recovery. However, our belief that battling cancer was just a matter of ticking off a list of treatments fell apart on New Year’s Eve 2019. Jan was rushed to the Emergency Department and spent more than twelve hours there before being admitted to Overlook Hospital, where she stayed for the first ten days of 2020.
When Jan returned home for the last time in April 2021, many of her friends called or visited. Jan’s communication ability faded, so one of her friends asked to talk with me. They told me how much Jan loved and appreciated me. They also said that I would need support from them and everyone else in the future. Their words brought tears to my eyes, and I couldn’t respond.
When Jan passed away, I felt lost and didn’t know how to move on. However, with the help of my family, old friends, new friends, and other widows I met, I slowly regained my strength and confidence. I am now a “rock” for other widows, something I never dreamed possible. Today, my grief is no longer at the forefront of my mind because I have learned that Jan’s love will never die, and her spirit will always be with me.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Sharing Jan's love through the garden and the people whose lives she touched has been incredibly fulfilling and has helped me manage my grief.
I've also been inspired by Viktor E. Frankl's observation that "love is the ultimate goal in life." Jan's love will continue to live on through the garden and in my heart, inspiring me daily.
I've recently delved into the captivating novel Kairos by Jenny Erpenbeck, which has left a lasting impression on me. The book tells the story of a young woman named Katharina who falls in love with a married writer named Hans, whom she met in East Berlin during the late 1980s. The historical context of Germany's reunification is already an intriguing topic, but the addition of a love story made this book a must-read.
Expressing gratitude has been beneficial in coping with my grief!
Today has been a day of gratitude for me. I’m feeling immensely thankful for all the blessings in my life. It’s easy to get lost in the pain of losing Jan, but I focus on the love I shared with my wife and the happiness of spending time with my friends. I recently read an essay by Christina Caron in The New York Times titled “Gratitude Really is Good for You. Here’s What the Science Shows,” which only reinforced the importance of cultivating a grateful mindset.
I’m most thankful for the opportunity to spend time with my loved ones, no matter the occasion. Last night, I had dinner with six of my friends at Carmine‘s, and though the food was good, the company made the evening truly special. I’m also grateful for the chance to catch up with two dear friends who traveled far to spend time with me. Patty, Jan, and I walked together in Hanson Park and enjoyed my wife’s memorial garden, a moment I will forever cherish.
Reflecting on my day, I realize gratitude is not just about the big moments but the small ones. Whether it was enjoying Greek lemon chicken soup and oatmeal cookies with friends or simply coming home to a space filled with memories, there are many things to be thankful for every day.
After reading Ms. Caron’s essay, I felt compelled to delve deeper into gratitude. Her link to Joel Wong’s 100 questions list is an excellent tool for those seeking to foster a more profound sense of appreciation within themselves. I urge everyone to acknowledge the big and small things we are grateful for. By doing so, we can experience its positive impact on our overall well-being.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Expressing gratitude is so habitual that it might be a part of my DNA. Each morning, my first thought is to be thankful for the new day, appreciating that I can still walk long distances at my age. This exercise tests my endurance and gives me another reason to be grateful.
The love of my late spouse, Jan, is at the center of my being. Before I go to bed each night, I reflect on my day and remind myself of how grateful I am to be alive, have neighbors, and have the enduring love of Jan.
The Fire This Time is an Omen for the Future!
Despite the polluted air and the small red sun that was barely visible due to thick clouds from the forest fires in Canada, I had just finished my morning walk. On my way back to my apartment, I overheard a woman praising the sun’s appearance on her phone. I couldn’t understand her enthusiasm as the air quality was the worst I’d ever experienced, making breathing difficult. I nodded and wished her a good day wearing my N95 mask.
Day of Action On Climate Crisis
I recently attended the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism's Day of Action on the Washington climate emergency as a Temple Sha'arey Shalom representative. This was my first advocacy trip in almost five years, during which I advocated for funding for affordable housing for people with disabilities and people experiencing homelessness. This time, I was advocating for climate action as part of the Power for Purpose campaign of the Reform Movement. I had the opportunity to meet with staff from Senator Cory Booker and Congressman Chris Smith and later with Congressmen Donald Payne, Jr. via Zoom.
During the event, two speakers challenged us to think differently about the work we need to do. LaTosha Brown, Co-founder of the Black Voters Matter Fund and the Black Voters Capacity Building Institute encouraged us to levitate above public conversations that do not focus on solving problems and see the big picture. Reverend Senator Raphael Warnock from Georgia challenged us to view our work as an effort to redeem the soul of America, which the rise of antisemitism, racism, sexism, and other forms of hatred has damaged.
by Bea Setton
I’ve begun reading Berlin: A Novel by Bea Setton. After finishing Kairos, a book set in a divided Berlin, Setton’s debut novel is witty and insightful, with a young woman battling a sense of emptiness who moves to Berlin for a fresh start. However, things go differently than planned.
Daphne, the protagonist, moves to Berlin hoping for a new beginning but deals with more drama than she left behind. She knows she needs to make friends, learn German, and navigate a new way of life. She even expects to spend long nights alone with Nutella and experience the difficulties of online dating in another language. But one night, something unexpected and unnerving happens in her apartment, and Daphne’s life suddenly turns dangerous.
Setton captures the modern female experience with sharp observations and wit, making Berlin a must-read for her generation.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
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by Jenny Erpenbeck
I’ve recently delved into the captivating novel Kairos by Jenny Erpenbeck, which has left a lasting impression on me. The book tells the story of a young woman named Katharina who falls in love with a married writer named Hans, whom she met in East Berlin during the late 1980s. The historical context of Germany’s reunification is already an intriguing topic, but the addition of a love story made this book a must-read.
As their intense and complicated relationship plays out against the backdrop of a declining GDR, the novel offers a unique perspective on the tumultuous period following the country’s dissolution in 1989. Erpenbeck’s writing style is unmistakable, and her sweeping portrayal of the two lovers’ journey is truly remarkable. We witness Katharina’s growth as she tries to reconcile the reality of her lousy romance with the disappearance of an entire world and its ideologies.
The Times Literary Supplement has praised Erpenbeck’s ability to capture the weight of history and the influence of cultural and subjective memory on individual identity. Her work acknowledges the complexity of the human experience and the nuances of historical events.
Jenny Erpenbeck is an epic storyteller and a highly respected voice in contemporary German literature. Her translator, Michael Hofmann, has described Kairos as a great post-Unification novel, and his translation has been praised for being both faithful to the original text and beautifully written. I highly recommend this book to anyone seeking a thought-provoking and engaging read.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz
Finding Peace, One Piece at a Time by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz is a book I wish I had long before Jan died. It provides helpful information on maintaining an organized lifestyle and handling a loved one’s possessions.
Having lost almost everything I had except for the clothes on my back after a house fire in 1972, I thought I had adopted a view that possessions were not significant. With Jan’s death, the truth is that she and I had collected essential possessions, and now it was my responsibility to decide what to do with them.
Rachel’s book is a practical guide, offering a comprehensive understanding of the significance of possessions and a step-by-step plan to manage them. Chapter 3, in particular, is a treasure trove of practical advice, focusing on Building Your Game Plan: The Ten Essentials and covering all the crucial topics – triggers, building a team, and creating a timeline, among others.
Magic of the Six Piles is a well-designed plan that will help most of us confront the possessions of our loved ones. The piles are:
Having absorbed the book’s wisdom, I am ready to transition from contemplation to action. This is how I sort my wife’s possessions into six piles. I am optimistic that it will also help me streamline my possessions, making books my trusted company more accessible for my sons.
Ms. Kodanaz has presented at my bereavement groups and has been an inspiration. She has also encouraged me to write about my love for Jan in a journal.
by Jessica Knoll
Today, I commenced reading Bright Young Women: A Novel by Jessica Knoll. Violent acts of the same man bring together two women from opposite sides of the country and become allies and sisters in arms as they pursue the justice that would otherwise elude them in one of the year’s most acclaimed, highly anticipated thrillers.
Masterfully blending psychological suspense and actual crime elements, Jessica Knoll—author of the bestselling novel Luckiest Girl Alive and the writer behind the Netflix adaption starring Mila Kunis—delivers a new and exhilarating thriller in Bright Young Women. The book opens on a Saturday night in 1978, hours before a soon-to-be-infamous murderer descends upon a Florida sorority house with deadly results.
The lives of those who survive, including sorority president and critical witness Pamela Schumacher, are forever changed. Across the country, Tina Cannon is convinced the man papers targeted her missing friend referred to as the All-American Sex Killer—and that he’s struck again. Determined to find justice, the two join forces as their search for answers leads to a final, shocking confrontation.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Alexandra Tanner
Today, I began reading Alexandra Tanner‘s debut novel, Worry: A Novel. The New Yorker praised it as “dryly witty,” The New York Times Book Review called it “fabulously revealing.” The story follows two siblings-turned-roommates who try to navigate an absurd world on the verge of calamity. It explores existentialism and sisterhood in a Seinfeldian style.
In March 2019, Jules Gold, a 28-year-old woman, felt anxious, frustrated with her art, and addicted to the internet. She lives alone in the apartment she used to share with her ex-fiancé. Her younger sister Poppy unexpectedly comes to stay with her indefinitely. Poppy, who attempted suicide a year and a half ago, is looking for work and purpose in Brooklyn. Meanwhile, Jules spends her days scrolling through the feeds of Mormon mommy bloggers and waiting for something to happen in her life.
Poppy’s hives, which she has had since childhood, flare up again. Jules has health problems with her uterus. Poppy adopts a poorly behaved-rescue dog named Amy Klobuchar. Poppy’s mother, who recently became a devout Messianic Jew, starts believing in the same deep-state conspiracy theories as Jules’ online mommies. Jules half-heartedly tries to find the source of her ennui and cruelly blames Poppy for not being a good enough friend, writer, or sister. As the year progresses and a new decade approaches, a disastrous trip back to Florida forces Jules and Poppy to question their futures and whether they want to spend them together or apart.
Worry is a darkly funny and deadpan portrayal of two sisters struggling through anxiety and uncertainty in America. A bold new voice in contemporary fiction writes it.
by Miranda July
Today, I started reading All Fours: A Novel by Miranda July. A semi-famous artist announces her plan to drive cross-country from LA to NY. Thirty minutes after leaving her husband and child at home, she spontaneously exits the freeway, checks into a nondescript motel, and immerses herself in an entirely different journey.
Miranda July’s second novel, a testament to her unique approach to fiction, confirms the brilliance of her storytelling. With July’s wry voice, perfect comic timing, unabashed curiosity about human intimacy, and palpable delight in pushing boundaries, All Fours tells the story of one woman’s quest for a new kind of freedom. Part absurd entertainment, part tender reinvention of the sexual, romantic, and domestic life of a forty-five-year-old female artist, All Fours transcends expectation while excavating our beliefs about life as a woman. Once again, July hijacks the familiar and turns it into something new and thrillingly, profoundly alive.
When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!
by Zoe B. Wallbrook
In another life, I dreamed of becoming a history professor. When I opened “History Lessons: A Mystery” by Zoe B. Wallbrook, I discovered a story about a college history professor who must solve the murder of her renowned colleague before she becomes the next target. This humorous and romantic debut mystery, filled with witty banter and clever plot twists, is perfect for fans of Janet Evanovich, Kellye Garrett, and Ali Hazelwood.
As a newly minted junior professor, Daphne Ouverture spends her days giving lectures on French colonialism, working on her next academic book, and going on atrocious dates. Her small world suits her just fine until Sam Taylor dies.
The rising star of Harrison University’s anthropology department was never one of Daphne’s favorites, despite his popularity. But that doesn’t prevent Sam’s killer from believing Daphne has something that belonged to Sam—something the killer will stop at nothing to get.
Between grading papers and navigating her disastrous love life, Daphne embarks on her investigation to find out what connects her to Sam’s murder. With the help of an alluring former detective-turned-bookseller, she unravels a deadly cover-up on campus.
This well-crafted, voice-driven mystery introduces an unforgettable heroine in the crime fiction genre.
Zoe B. Wallbrook is a recently tenured professor whose academic research has appeared in outlets such as the New York Times and The New Yorker. She was selected for mentorship by LA Times bestseller Elizabeth Little, and History Lessons, her first novel, was a runner-up for the Eleanor Taylor Bland Award. Zoe’s hobbies include beginning all emails with “My sincerest apologies for my slow reply,” pretending to understand how astrological signs work, and crying at the end of every Call the Midwife episode. She and her husband live with their stalker, a black lab/pittie mix named Sophie.
When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!
Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!
by Kate Atkinson
Today, I embarked on the journey of Kate Atkinson‘s ‘Life After Life,’ a novel that has secured its place among The New York Times 100 Best Books of the Century. The book presents a unique and thought-provoking premise: What if you could live multiple lives until you found the perfect one? With its darkly comic, startlingly poignant, and utterly original narrative, it’s a testament to Kate Atkinson‘s unparalleled storytelling prowess.
The story unfolds in a unique narrative structure, beginning on a cold and snowy night in 1910 when Ursula Todd is born to an English banker and his wife. She dies before drawing her first breath. However, on that same night, Ursula Todd is born again, lets out a loud cry, and starts a life that will be pretty unusual. As she grows up, she also dies repeatedly in various ways while the young century moves inexorably toward its second cataclysmic world war.
Could Ursula’s seemingly endless life be the key to altering the world’s inevitable destiny? The prospect is both thrilling and hopeful. Yet, the question lingers – if she possesses this power, will she choose to wield it?
