Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Mike the Baseball Player

Is Life a Baseball Game?

Lorrie Moore's Metaphor Explains Life as Baseball

Mike the Baseball Player

On Thursday, I began reading Lorrie Moore‘s “I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home” book. While reading, I came across an interesting observation by one of the characters, Finn, about the connection between baseball and life.

“Yeah, baseball is really the game that tells you what life is going to be: fastballs, errors, wild pitching, clutch hits, strike-outs, not getting to first base, things coming in from left field. Near misses. And that’s just the romance part.”

Ms. Moore has a distinctive and enchanting writing style. She employs clever wordplay, humor, and wisdom to make the story captivating, and her use of a baseball metaphor is an outstanding illustration of this.

I never participated in any organized sports. One time in sixth grade, during an intramural game in Physical Education class, my classmates skipped over me when it was my turn to bat. They knew I couldn’t hit the ball. Despite this, Finn’s observation still resonated with me as a widow.

Baseball presents a unique perspective on life through its many metaphors. The game may end, but there is always another one to look forward to until the season concludes. Even when the season ends, there is always next year, offering us hope and a chance to move forward despite our team’s loss. I find comfort in knowing that Jan’s spirit will guide me into the future and that I can always look forward to tomorrow as a new opportunity.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home

I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home

Today, I started reading Lorrie Moore's latest novel; I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home. It's her first book since A Gate at the Stairs, and it's a bold and contemplative exploration of love, death, passion, and grief. Moore examines what it means to be haunted by the past in terms of history and the human heart.

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Jan and Ana

Jan Accepted Hospice With Grace

Memories of Pain-free Dentistry

Jan and Ana

Jan and Ana Visit During Hospice

As I sat in the dentist’s chair, waiting for the oral surgeon, I couldn’t help but notice the nitrous oxide dispenser. It had tubes for mixing oxygen with the oxide and was conveniently placed on wheels, making moving closer to the chair easy. I hadn’t seen one of these dispensers in years, and it had been even longer since I had been to a dentist who used it to alleviate pain for their patients.

During the early 1970s, while residing in East Williamsburg, I visited Dr. Lorber’s office on the corner of Maujer Street and Bushwick Avenue, just a block from my workplace. Rumors had circulated that the location was previously a luncheonette that drug dealers from The French Connection used for laundering money. When seeking a dentist, Dr. Lorber was highly recommended, with many mentioning his use of nitrous oxide. There were claims that Dr. Lorber had discovered drugs from the previous occupants and mixed them into the nitrous oxide.

I was skeptical about the effects of nitrous oxide despite its strong reputation. Once, while getting my wisdom tooth extracted by Dr. Lorber, the dental technician put a rubber mask on my face and adjusted the disperser’s knobs. When Dr. Lorber returned and removed the nitrous oxide mask, I thought my tooth had been extracted, so I left the office. However, Dr. Lorber corrected me as I walked down the hallway and instructed me to return to the dentist’s chair.

Jan, the love of my life, selected Dr. Lorber as her dentist because of his reputation for pain-free treatment. Despite suffering from mild dentophobia and avoiding dental appointments for years, Jan felt comfortable with Dr. Lorber. I was relieved we could visit the same dentist for our dental needs.

Despite experiencing a mild aversion to pain, when she received her lymphoma diagnosis, she displayed remarkable resilience in the face of the overwhelming discomfort. Each treatment was approached with a sense of calm and determination, and even upon learning of her hospice care, she remained a profile of courage. Her unwavering strength is a testament to her character. I can only hope to emulate it should I ever find myself in a similarly life-threatening situation without resorting to nitrous oxide to mitigate my anxieties.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Home for Hospice

I must focus all my attention on Jan, who will come home for hospice care. Although resources are limited, I will give Jan my utmost love and support.

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Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square

Celebrating Juneteenth in Newark

Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square

Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square

Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square

On Monday, I attended the Juneteenth celebrations in downtown Newark and had a wonderful time. Our day began at Harriet Tubman Square, where we paid tribute to her contribution to the Black Liberation Movement’s history in the area and the Underground Railroad. We also saw the newly installed monument, “Shadow of a Face,” which replaced the Columbus statue. The monument’s name, inspired by Robert Hayden’s poem “Runagate Runagate,” is a tribute to Tubman.

Celebrating Juneteenth in Newark

Celebrating Juneteenth in Newark

After participating in singing and poetry activities, we marched through Newark and reached the NJ Performing Arts Center. We had an informative discussion about “Slavery’s Impact on the Black Experience in New Jersey.” It was a valuable learning experience, and I better understood the hidden histories that deserve more recognition. I have also shared two brief videos in this post that further explore the lasting impact of slavery. I was fascinated to learn that New Jersey was the last state to abolish slavery, and Queen Anne brought it to the state.

Overall, I am grateful for the opportunity to celebrate Juneteenth and look forward to next year’s festivities. Although Jan couldn’t join me physically, her spirit was with me. She would have joined me in wondering how long we must wait to see Harriet Tubman’s face on the US $20 bill. It’s long overdue!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Day of Action On Climate Crisis

I recently attended the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism's Day of Action on the Washington climate emergency as a Temple Sha'arey Shalom representative. This was my first advocacy trip in almost five years, during which I advocated for funding for affordable housing for people with disabilities and people experiencing homelessness. This time, I was advocating for climate action as part of the Power for Purpose campaign of the Reform Movement. I had the opportunity to meet with staff from Senator Cory Booker and Congressman Chris Smith and later with Congressmen Donald Payne, Jr. via Zoom.

During the event, two speakers challenged us to think differently about the work we need to do. LaTosha Brown, Co-founder of the Black Voters Matter Fund and the Black Voters Capacity Building Institute encouraged us to levitate above public conversations that do not focus on solving problems and see the big picture. Reverend Senator Raphael Warnock from Georgia challenged us to view our work as an effort to redeem the soul of America, which the rise of antisemitism, racism, sexism, and other forms of hatred has damaged.

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Counting My Blessings

The Importance of a Place to Call Home!

Where We Live Shapes Who We Are!

Counting My Blessings

My Family Having Fun

Growing up, I realized the importance of having a place to call home. My family lived in the same house when I was a child. Although we briefly lived in another home for two years while saving to buy our permanent residence, I was too young to remember that house. After completing my studies at university, my parents relocated multiple times to find the most suitable place for their retirement.

Dedicated to helping others achieve their dream of owning a home, I have contributed to constructing and strengthening communities throughout my career. However, I’ve also lived a nomadic lifestyle, moving from place to place until I became a widow and realized the significance of location and our responsibilities to each other.

As a widow, I’ve discovered that my place of residence has become essential in managing my grief. I’ve actively enhanced my community as a tribute to my late partner, Jan’s love. Volunteering and making new friends have made me a vital part of a thriving community. Our place of residence shapes who we are and how we live, and I’m becoming stronger one day at a time, with my grief gradually fading away.

While no place is perfect, we must work together to improve our homes for future generations. The opening night performance of Eisenhower: This Piece of Ground reminded me of the work we must do to leave our homes in better condition for those who will call it their own.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Discovering Life’s Secret Sauce

Jan requested that I prepare Matzoh Brie for her in her final days. I was unfamiliar with the recipe, but Jan kindly wrote it down. Following my grandmother's advice, I added a generous amount of love while preparing it. This addition made the Matzoh Brie exceptional, and Jan couldn't stop complimenting it as the most delicious meal she had ever eaten..

Even after Jan's death, her love continues to inspire me. I can overcome challenges with confidence and grace by following her passion for life and infusing everything I do with her love.

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Jan in Washington January 2017

My Community Network Helps Me!

My Interconnected Worlds Grow Stronger!

Jan in Washington January 2017

Jan in Washington January 2017

I was checking the NJ Transit board for train schedules when I stumbled upon a rare one-seat ride to Cranford. My friend, Arnold’s train, was leaving earlier, so we agreed to stay in touch. As he headed towards his platform, I thanked him for inviting me to see “Eisenhower: This Piece of Ground.”

During the Raritan Valley train ride, I suddenly realized my throat was parched. Unfortunately, it was too late to get off and buy a water bottle. When I arrived, I focused on rushing home to quench my thirst. While crossing North Avenue, I heard someone call my name. It was Chris with his brother, Billy, and a couple sitting outside Ambelis. Chris asked if I knew Molly and Adam, but I replied negatively, and he introduced me.

After exchanging pleasantries, Chris revealed that Molly and Adam were getting married. I congratulated them and showed them my ring finger, saying, “I am still married!” Chris asked me how long it had been since my wife, Jan, had passed away. I told him it had been 25 months.

Chris and Billy fondly remembered how Jan and I loved each other and how I still loved and honored her. I chimed in, saying that love never dies. Molly, an actor, and a florist, commented on how wonderful it is to see that love can be so strong that it survives a partner’s death. Billy added that he and his brother admired me because not many couples can love as fully as Jan and I did.

After hugging everyone, I thanked Chris for warmly welcoming Patty and Jan when I introduced them to him on Sunday. He reminded me that his friends were my friends, and we went our separate ways. In that brief and unexpected encounter, four of my worlds came together, reminding me of my community mesh network and how it had helped me navigate my grief.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Community Engagement Makes Me Stronger Than Grief

I came across an enlightening essay by Brad Stulberg in The New York Times that helped me articulate my thoughts. Stulberg emphasized the significance of being connected to others within a community and how we are stronger when we are together. This is a belief that I have always held and advocated for.

In his essay, Stulberg shares a quote from Ram Dass: "We're all just walking each other home." This quote struck a chord because it made me realize that I'm not alone on my journey - I have Jan and a supportive community by my side. Being a part of a community has always been important to Jan and me. We've worked hard to create and revitalize physical and virtual neighborhoods. Even though Jan is no longer with me, I'm still involved in multiple communities and find comfort in the sense of togetherness they provide.

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I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home

Read: June 2023

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I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home

by Lorrie Moore

Today, I started reading Lorrie Moore‘s latest novel; I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home. It’s her first book since A Gate at the Stairs, and it’s a bold and contemplative exploration of love, death, passion, and grief. Moore examines what it means to be haunted by the past in terms of history and the human heart.

The story follows a teacher who visits his dying brother in the Bronx. A mysterious journal from the 19th century is stolen from a boarding house. There’s also a therapy clown and an assassin, who is presumed dead but may not be.

Moore’s unique wordplay, wry humor, and wisdom make for an enchanting read. She presents us with a magic box of surprises, exploring themes of love, rebirth, and the pull toward life. This novel is a poetic and imaginative portrait of lovers and siblings that questions the stories we’ve been told and whether they’re true.

With I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home, Moore takes us on a journey to a windswept, tragic, and comic landscape. It’s unmistakably her world and a journey you won’t forget.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Mike the Baseball Player
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Jan and Ana
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Shadow of a Face in Harriet Tubman Square
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Counting My Blessings
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Berlin- A Novel

Read: June 2023

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Berlin: A Novel by Bea Setton

by Bea Setton

I’ve begun reading Berlin: A Novel by Bea Setton. After finishing Kairos, a book set in a divided Berlin, Setton’s debut novel is witty and insightful, with a young woman battling a sense of emptiness who moves to Berlin for a fresh start. However, things go differently than planned.

Daphne, the protagonist, moves to Berlin hoping for a new beginning but deals with more drama than she left behind. She knows she needs to make friends, learn German, and navigate a new way of life. She even expects to spend long nights alone with Nutella and experience the difficulties of online dating in another language. But one night, something unexpected and unnerving happens in her apartment, and Daphne’s life suddenly turns dangerous.

Setton captures the modern female experience with sharp observations and wit, making Berlin a must-read for her generation.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan in Washington January 2017
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Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

Read: October 2021

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Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

by Katherine May

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May is “an intimate, revelatory book exploring the ways we can care for and repair ourselves when life knocks us down.”

Two quotes that resonated with me were:

That’s what grief is – a yearning for that one last moment of contact that would settle everything.

We are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is a brutal untruth. Life meanders through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall upon us, revealing our bare bones. Given time they grow again.

May writes in a clear voice that conveys the importance of accepting the cycles of life instead of fighting them.

Sometimes you slip through the cracks: unforeseen circumstances like an abrupt illness, the death of a loved one, a breakup, or a job loss can derail a life. These periods of dislocation can be lonely and unexpected. For May, her husband fell ill, her son stopped attending school, and her own medical issues led her to leave a demanding job. Wintering explores how she not only endured this painful time but embraced the singular opportunities it offered.

A moving personal narrative shot through with lessons from literature, mythology, and the natural world, May’s story offers instruction on the transformative power of rest and retreat. Illumination emerges from many sources: solstice celebrations and dormice hibernation, C.S. Lewis and Sylvia Plath swimming in icy waters, and sailing arctic seas.

Ultimately Wintering invites us to change how we relate to our own fallow times. May models an active acceptance of sadness and finds nourishment in deep retreat, joy in the serene beauty of winter, and encouragement in understanding life as cyclical, not linear. A secular mystic, May forms a guiding philosophy for transforming the hardships that arise before the ushering in of a new season.

I recommend this book without reservation.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Time of the Child

Read: December 2024

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Time of the Child

by Niall Williams

Today, I dove into “Time of the Child” by Niall Williams, and I can already tell it will be a journey worth taking. This beautifully crafted novel, penned by the same author who brought us “This Is Happiness,” unfolds during a magical Christmas in the quaint Irish town of Faha. At its heart is a touching story about a father and daughter that beautifully explores the idea that miracles can touch our lives, no matter our beliefs.

As I turned the pages, I thought about how this enchanting tale would evoke love’s profound and transformative power when I light my Hanukkah candles. It promises to be a genuinely uplifting read!

Doctor Jack Troy was born and raised in Faha, but his responsibilities toward the sick and his care for the dying have always set him apart from the town. His eldest daughter, Ronnie, has grown up in her father’s shadow and remains there, having missed one chance at love and declined another marriage proposal from an unsuitable man.

During the Advent season of 1962, as the town prepared for Christmas, Ronnie and Doctor Troy’s lives were turned upside down when a baby arrived on their doorstep. As winter passes, the lives of the father and daughter, their understanding of family, and their roles in the community are changed forever.

Set throughout one December in the same village as Williams’ beloved “This Is Happiness,” “Time of the Child” offers a tender return to Faha for readers familiar with its charms and serves as a heartwarming welcome for new readers exploring it for the first time.



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Wild Houses: A Novel

Read: April 2024

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Wild Houses: A Novel

by Colin Barrett

Today, I started reading “Wild Houses: A Novel” by Colin Barrett and was impressed by the author’s ability to blend dark humor and intense emotions. Colin Barrett, the award-winning author of “Homesickness” and “Young Skins,” has crafted a debut novel that takes readers on a rollercoaster ride of crimes committed out of desperation, abandoned dreams, and small-town secrets that won’t stay hidden. The story is presented with a wry wit that adds to its appeal.

The story is set in the quaint town of Ballina, located in picturesque west Ireland, as it prepares for its biggest weekend of the year. The simmering feud between small-time dealer Cillian English and County Mayo’s fraternal enforcers, Gabe and Sketch Ferdia, spills over into violence and an ugly ultimatum, painting a vivid picture of the town’s underbelly.

The story’s protagonist, Dev, is a reclusive man unwillingly drawn into the Ferdias’ revenge fantasy when he answers the door and finds Doll, Cillian’s bruised, sullen teenage brother, in the clutches of Gabe and Sketch. With the help of his dead mother’s dog, Dev is jostled by his nefarious cousins and is struck by spinning lights as he is goaded into their plan.

Meanwhile, seventeen-year-old Nicky can’t shake the feeling that something terrible has happened to her boyfriend, Doll. Hungover, reeling from a fractious Friday night and plagued by ghosts, Nicky sets out to save Doll, even as she questions her future in Ballina.

Wild Houses is a beautifully crafted and thrillingly told story of two outsiders striving to find themselves as their worlds collapse in chaos and violence. It is the long-anticipated debut novel from award-winning and critically acclaimed short story writer Colin Barrett.

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Half in Shadow

Read: December 2021

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Half in Shadow: A Novel

by Gemma Liviero

Half in Shadow by Gemma Liviero is an unforgettable novel about courage, love, and consequences at the dawn of World War I. In German-occupied Belgium, a tragic loss forces Josephine Descharmes to navigate dangerous new territory. By day it’s compliance, serving German officers at the Hotel Métropole. By night it’s resistance, working with her brothers underground to help Allied soldiers and civilians across the border into Holland. Both paths put her and her family at significant risk.

Before Jan’s death, I preferred to read non-fiction or fiction about historical events. Although I had read nothing by the author before this novel, I decided to read based on the summary. When I finished the book, the author described her goal as a writer in a manner that confirmed my decision.

“Much of my aim in the stories I write is to put human faces, be they fictional, to the many who lived through these events and imagine the experiences and reactions by innocent parties thrust into such situations.”

Half in Shadow: A Novel by Gemma Liviero

Josephine’s involvement in the resistance begins slowly and gains strength with every page. Her brothers Eugene, Xavier, and her mother become realistic due to the precise writing of Ms. Liviero.

Arthur, the English soldier who falls in love with Josephine, becomes an equal member of the resistance and the family. Franz, the German in love with Josephine, is not as strongly defined as appropriate as he is the enemy.

The Amazon overview provides a brief overview of the novel.

As Josephine struggles to keep her family safe, Arthur, a grief-stricken English soldier trapped behind enemy lines, finds purpose and hope with Josephine and her work. Meanwhile, Franz, a German officer remorseful for war casualties, offers her protection and opportunity. These two men from opposing sides will open her heart and test her loyalties.

Amid the sorrows of war and threats of mortal danger and betrayal, Josephine must steer her fate. In a country deprived of freedom, she will make an impossible choice—one that will forever impact the family she cherishes and the man she loves.

The book’s conclusion, which I will not reveal, brings together all of the novel’s threads in a way that reminded me of the power of love and family.

This is one of the best books I have ever read. I highly recommend it.

Half in Shadow is the first time I have gotten a book from Amazon First Reads. I highly recommend First Reads as a way to read books earlier than their regular release. Half in Shadow is not scheduled to be published until January 1, 2022.

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Yesteryear

Read: May 2026

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Yesteryear: A Novel

by Caro Claire Burke

Yesteryear” by Caro Claire Burke has been recognized as one of The New York Times’ Best Books of the Year (So Far). The story follows a traditional American woman, a “tradwife” influencer, who suddenly finds herself in the harsh reality of 1855. She must figure out whether this living nightmare is an elaborate hoax, a twisted reality show, or something far more sinister in this sensational debut novel.

My name was Natalie Heller Mills, and I was perfect at being alive.

Natalie lives a traditional lifestyle. Her charming farmhouse is rustic; her husband, a handsome cowboy; her six children, each more delightful than the last. So what if there are nannies and producers behind the scenes, her kitchen hiding industrial-grade fridges and ovens, her husband the heir to a political dynasty? What Natalie’s followers—all 8 million of them—don’t know won’t hurt them. And The Angry Women? The privileged, Ivy League, coastal elite haters who call her an antifeminist iconoclast? They’re sick with jealousy. Because Natalie isn’t simply living the good life, she’s living the ideal—and just so happens to be building an empire from it.

Until one morning, she wakes up in a life that isn’t hers. Her home, her husband, her children—they’re all familiar, but something’s off. A sputtering fire rather than electricity warms her kitchen, her children are dirty and strange, and her soft-handed husband is suddenly a competent farmer.

Just yesterday, Natalie was curating photos of homemade jam for her Instagram, and now she’s expected to haul firewood and hand-wash clothes until her fingers bleed. Has she become the unwitting star of a ruthless reality show? Could it really be time travel? Is she being tested by God? By Satan? When Natalie suffers a brutal injury in the woods, she realizes two things: This is not her beautiful life, and she must escape by any means possible.

A gripping, electrifying novel that is as darkly funny as it is frightening, Yesteryear is a gimlet-eyed look at tradition, fame, faith, and the grand performance of womanhood.


Caro Claire Burke earned her Master’s in Fine Arts from the Bennington Writing Seminars. She co-hosts Diabolical Lies, a politics and culture podcast. Yesteryear is her debut novel.



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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

Read: May 2019

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

by David Brooks

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life by David Brooks is a book I often recommend. Mr. Brooks writes about the first mountain that most people climb. The book challenges the reader to “live for a cause greater than themselves.”

It is about “to be a success, make your mark, experience personal happiness.” Even when they reach the top of the mountain, most people find they are unhappy. The climb to the summit has become unsatisfying.

On the second mountain, life moves from self-centered to other-centered.” Life becomes interdependent, not independent; it becomes a life of commitment, not about us.

Mr. Brooks “explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community.

We live in a society, Brooks argues, that celebrates freedom, that tells us to be true to ourselves, at the expense of surrendering to a cause, rooting ourselves in a neighborhood, binding ourselves to others by social solidarity and love. We have taken individualism to the extreme—and in the process we have torn the social fabric in a thousand different ways.

When I read The Second Mountain, it became clear that Jan and I never even attempted to climb the first mountain. We were constantly climbing the second mountain.

We had chosen to do work that repaired the world; we both had a faith community and lived in a community.

All we were missing as far as commitments when we met was each other. Our love for each other provided the missing link and allowed us to climb to the top of the second mountain.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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