Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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All We Need Are Freinds

A Widows Pursuit of Happiness

Dream Walking in Jan's Memorial Garden

All We Need Are Freinds

Patty, Jan, and I are sitting on one of My Wife’s Benches!

On the morning of July 4, 2023, while taking a walk, I pondered what would have happened if one word in the Declaration of Independence had been different. Specifically, the sentence “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men people are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

Although it may seem strange, starting my walk thinking about inalienable rights, it made sense. Things could have turned out differently if everyone had equal rights and opportunities throughout history. Though I am saddened by the loss of Jan, I am grateful for my freedom and try to live life to the fullest. As a widow, finding happiness without our loved ones can be difficult. However, a fortuitous encounter with a couple on my route may have given me some insight.

While walking around Hanson Park and along the Rahway River, I saw a couple sitting on Jan’s memorial bench. They looked familiar, so I slowed down and greeted them with a cheerful “Have a happy day!” The woman was drawing a beautiful stained-glass design, and I couldn’t help but stop and compliment her work. We chatted about how lovely the park had become, and they expressed their admiration for the garden and wind sculpture. They even thought we might have met at a park fundraiser before. As we continued talking, I mentioned they were sitting on one of Jan’s memorial benches and pointed it out to them. Seeing their smiles as they read the inscription on the bench warmed my soul.

Finding joy in helping others has always been a fulfilling experience for me. Today, I had the opportunity to brighten someone’s day, which made my heart swell with gratitude. As I walked away from Jan’s memorial, I reflected on the effort to create it and was reminded to appreciate each moment of my life.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan’s Memorial Garden

Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park including installing the Wind Sculpture.

Wes is a year old today!

Growing Around Grief to Live Fully!

Smiling Wes and Nick, Help Me Focus on the Future!

Wes is a year old today!

Wes is a year old today!

Today marks my grandson Wes’s first birthday, and seeing him smile fills me with immense joy. His smile reminds me of his grandma Jan, whose smile always delighted me like a kaleidoscope of new images. It’s heartwarming to see that Wes has inherited the same gift from Jan – their smiles are a constant reminder of the love and happiness within our family.

My friends have pointed out that many family members, including Nick and my sons, have Jan’s smile. It has been suggested that I also have her smile. Our smiles were unique and had the power to seal our love in the Book of Life. Although Jan is no longer with me in person, her spirit inspires me to live life to the fullest, despite the ongoing struggle with grief.

Although I find happiness in my grandchildren’s smiles, I still remember the love of my life, Jan. I haven’t found a way to erase my sorrow or replace it with joy, so I will always mourn Jan. However, I have learned to accept my grief and celebrate the future generation while living my life to the fullest. This has helped me grow around my grief, and although it still exists, it doesn’t consume me like it used to.

Reflecting on the past can be challenging but can also serve as a reminder of what truly matters. On this particular day, as Wes celebrates his first birthday, I am reminded that it has been 26 months since Jan’s passing. Though the pain of loss remains, our love endures. Each day, I strive to embody the best version of myself – a kind and compassionate grandparent, a helpful neighbor, and a trustworthy friend. I am committed to honoring Jan’s wishes by living this way.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wes Jude Has Jan’s Smile

Every time I come across Wes Jude or see photos shared by Elyssa or Mike, I can't help but notice the striking resemblance between his smile and that of his grandmother, Jan. Both smiles exude pure joy and are truly mesmerizing. Jan's smile was always a source of delight for my heart and soul, as it reflected unique and beautiful new images.

Wes's infectious smiles have been a source of comfort during a difficult time and have renewed my faith in the future. He has become integral to my life, and I no longer dwell on the past. May Wes's smiles shine bright as a symbol of hope and love that endure beyond life's challenges.

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Jan and Richard Walking

Why Do I Wake Up Early?

Routine and Ritual Are Crucial to Managing My Grief!

Jan and Richard Walking

Jan and Richard Walking

My friends have been questioning my early morning routine since I’m unemployed. However, I’ve had this habit since my younger years because I highly value structure and daily rituals.

My grandmother raised me while my mother dealt with medical issues. She instilled in me the importance of being an early riser, believing it would increase my chances of success even if I weren’t necessarily the most intelligent person in the room. I’ll never honestly know if her advice was right, but it has undoubtedly impacted my life.

When my sons were teenagers, I got into the habit of waking up at 5:30 am. This gave me enough time to make breakfast, catch up on the news, and organize my day before waking up my wife and sons. It was tough to leave Jan in bed, but I kept up this routine for many years, even after my sons became adults. I continued waking up early in 2019, even when I wasn’t working full-time.

I became her full-time caregiver when my wife, Jan, was diagnosed with lymphoma in August 2019. Early mornings were a way for me to cope with the emotional stress and strain. I knew I needed to get into a routine when I became a widow. I continued to get up early, even on days when it was more like sleepwalking because I didn’t always get a good night’s sleep.

I understood the significance of ritual and began attending Friday services at Temple Sha’arey Shalom every week. Over the past two years, I have only missed three services, and two of those absences were due to my commitment to helping neighbors in need through mitzvahs.

Having a routine and daily rituals can help us overcome grief and live life to the fullest. This is why I woke up early today, not because of birds and worms.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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In Praise of Walking

In Praise of Walking

I recently received a book from my family that combines two interests: walking and reading. The book, "In Praise of Walking" by Shane O'Mara, celebrates the joys, health benefits, and mechanics of walking. It emphasizes the importance of getting out of our chairs and discovering a happier, healthier, more creative self.

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Jan Lilien

Love Generates Quasi-buried Treasures

I Am Married and Still in Love With Jan

Jan Lilien

Jan in Nova Scotia

This morning, I woke up to my Apple Watch alarm and noticed Jan was sleeping with her head on my shoulder. To avoid disturbing her, I hit snooze and attempted to get out of bed quietly. However, Jan asked me to delay my morning walk to snuggle more. Although I had a daily routine to adhere to, I also wanted to spend some time with Jan. We agreed I would take a short walk while she rested. As I left, Jan held my hand and placed it on her left breast, asking if I truly wanted to go. After some thought, I decided to skip my walk and cuddle with her instead. This was a moment I had eagerly anticipated since we first met, but balancing our individual needs required effort.

When I woke up, I held one of Jan’s pillows. Looking at  Jan’s photo and the Peace Lilly brought mixed emotions to me. It made me feel guilty about my strange dream and reminded me of how much I love her. These thoughts seemed to come from our past and were buried deep in my subconscious. After picking up a glass of orange juice, I checked in with Siri for my daily briefing as part of my morning routine.

I took a quick trip to the bathroom while I toasted my English muffin. Surprisingly, I saw myself in the mirror and noticed I looked older. After breakfast, I headed to my bedroom to grab my walking shirt. I briefly imagined you lying naked on the comforter as I glanced at the bed. However, upon closer inspection, I realized that the pillow I had held all night was twisted and shaped to resemble a torso. In my half-asleep state, I had mistaken it for you.

During my morning walk, I reflected on the intensity of my dream and how our love deepened over time. Lorrie Moore’s quote, “Love was its little generator of quasi-buried treasure,” filled me with happiness. I felt like expressing my love for you loudly and publicly, like shouting it from the rooftops!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Bridges Street to Homes 5K

What is the Meaning of Life?

Walking and Talking in the Morning

Bridges Street to Homes 5K

(L to R.) Richard J. Uniacke, President of Bridges, Alison Bryant, Secretary, and me.

Today, I woke up earlier than usual but felt congested due to hay fever. Despite my desire to sleep more, I resisted and got up when my alarm went off at 5:30. As I left my apartment, I ran into Jim outside of The Gourmet Deli. We exchanged a few words as we do every day.

During a conversation with Jim, he asked me a question I have debated since Jan’s passing: life’s meaning. Although Jim had to attend Catholic morning mass at St. Michael’s soon, I decided to share an answer with him. Instead of delving into the details of the insights I gained from books or conversations with Rabbi Renee, I quoted Charlie Padavano, a character in Hello Beautiful, who gave a similar answer to his daughter Sylvie. He said, “We’re all interconnected and separated from the world by our own edges. Seeing this interconnection reveals the beauty of life.”

After sharing the meaningful quote, Jim and I parted ways at the intersection of Miln and Alden with a cheerful farewell. Despite the humid weather, I felt a sense of light as I turned left and walked away. With Jan by my side, I discovered a new way to cope with my grief that didn’t involve finding a new partner. Instead, I found fulfillment through volunteering, serving on the Board of Trustees of Bridges, making new connections, and actively participating in my faith community’s social action committee. By helping others, I have found purpose and meaning in my life.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan Was a Messenger from the Most High

Have you ever experienced the sensation of being lost in life, as if you were trying to solve an intricate puzzle without any clear direction? This is precisely how I felt. It seemed as though I was given a jigsaw puzzle at birth but without a picture to guide me. Some pieces fit together easily, while others appeared misplaced, leaving me feeling disoriented. As I grew older, some parts of the puzzle seemed to change, no longer fit where they were once placed. My life was messy before I met Jan, and I struggled to make things work. While reminiscing about this period in my life, I was reminded of Lawrence Kushner's touching poem "Jigsaw," which provided insight into the meaning of life.

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All We Need Are Freinds
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Wes is a year old today!
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Everything's Fine

Read: June 2023

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Everything’s Fine

by Cecilia Rabess

I started reading Everything’s Fine by Cecilia Rabess today, a stunning debut introducing a talented new author. However, I found it easier to decide to read it after reading in the New York Times that some reviewers on Goodreads criticized the book’s premise without reading it. It’s unfair to criticize something after experiencing it first-hand.

On Jess’s first day at Goldman Sachs, she’s disappointed to learn that she’ll be working with Josh, a white conservative she used to argue with in college. Josh enjoys playing devil’s advocate and can be challenging to deal with.

But when Jess realizes she’s the only Black woman on the team and is being overlooked, Josh offers his support in imperfect but meaningful ways. As they develop an unlikely friendship with undeniable chemistry, it eventually becomes an electrifying romance that shocks them both.

Despite their differences, their attraction brings them together, and Jess starts to question whether happiness is more important than being right. However, as the cultural and political landscape shifts in 2016, Jess, who is just discovering herself, must decide what she’s willing to compromise for love and if everything is excellent. This poignant and sharp novel by Cecilia Rabess asks if they will and if they should.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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In Praise of Walking

Read: April 2023

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In Praise of Walking

by Shane O'Mara

I recently received a book from my family that combines two interests: walking and reading. The book, “In Praise of Walking” by Shane O’Mara, celebrates the joys, health benefits, and mechanics of walking. It emphasizes the importance of getting out of our chairs and discovering a happier, healthier, more creative self.

One of the most important insights I gained from this book is that walking can lead to mind wandering, focusing on autobiographical memory rather than the immediate environment. This realization helped me accept and appreciate Jan’s love and move forward with her passion.

The book also explores the significance of walking to our human identity. Walking upright has given us many advantages, including the freedom of our hands and minds. Walking has enabled us to spread worldwide and has many benefits for our bodies and minds, such as protecting and repairing organs, aiding digestion, and sharpening our thinking.

Overall, “In Praise of Walking” inspires us to start walking again and recognize its many benefits to our lives and societies.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan and Richard Walking
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Jan Lilien
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Bridges Street to Homes 5K
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A Line in the Sand- A Novel

Read: June 2023

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A Line in the Sand: A Novel

by Kevin Powers

Today I started reading A Line in the Sand: A Novel by Kevin Powers. Listed as one of the books to read this week by The New York Times, which described it as “a stunning novel. Kevin Powers provides what any discerning reader desires the most — complex and flawed characters, precise use of language, succinct description, and believable dialogue.”

One early morning on a Norfolk beach in Virginia, a dead body is discovered by a man taking his daily swim—Arman Bajalan, formerly an interpreter in Iraq. After narrowly surviving an assassination attempt that killed his wife and child, Arman has been given lonely sanctuary in the US as a maintenance worker at the Sea Breeze Motel. Now, convinced that the body is connected to his past, he knows he is still unsafe.

Seasoned detective Catherine Wheel and her newly minted partner have little to go on beyond a bus ticket in the dead man’s pocket. It leads them to Sally Ewell, a local journalist as grief-stricken as Arman is by the Iraq War, investigating a corporation on the cusp of landing a multi-billion-dollar government defense contract.

As victims mount around Arman, taking the team down wrong turns and towards startling evidence, they find themselves in a race committed to unraveling the truth and keeping Arman alive—even if it costs them everything.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Vulture: A Novel

Read: September 2025

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Vulture: A Novel

by Phoebe Greenwood

Phoebe Greenwood‘s debut novel, Vulture, immerses readers in the dark heart of Western media and boldly questions its role in the tragedies it reports. This darkly humorous and emotionally charged satire exposes the inner workings of the war news industry. Set in the Middle East, Vulture is a fast-paced critique of war reporting, blending elements of satire with a tragicomic coming-of-age story.

In November 2012, Sara Byrne, an ambitious young journalist, is sent to Gaza to cover the war from The Beach. At the four-star hotel, the staff work tirelessly to provide safety, comfort, and generator-powered internet for the world’s media, all while their own homes and families are under threat.

Sara is determined to use this war to jumpstart her stalled career and win back her lover. When her fixer, Nasser, refuses to help her set up the dangerous story she believes will make her name, she turns to Fadi, the youngest member of a powerful militant family. Driven by the demons of a troubled and entitled childhood, Sara is willing to do anything to prove herself, even if it brings disaster to those around her.


Phoebe Greenwood is a writer and journalist based in London. From 2010 to 2013, she worked as a freelance correspondent in Jerusalem, covering the Middle East for publications such as The Guardian, The Daily Telegraph, and The Sunday Times. From 2013 to 2021, she served as an editor and correspondent at The Guardian, specializing in foreign affairs.



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Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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The Catch

Read: June 2025

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The Catch: A Novel

by Yrsa Daley-Ward

In “The Catch,” her captivating debut novel, Yrsa Daley-Ward creates a vibrant multiverse that delves into the complexities of daughterhood and mother-want. She explores the sacrifices women often make in their pursuit of self-actualization. The result is a remarkable novel that boldly poses the question: “How can it ever be a crime to choose yourself?”

Twin sisters Clara and Dempsey have always struggled to connect, their familial bond severed after their mother vanished into the Thames. As infants, they were adopted by different families: Clara went to live with a successful, upper-class couple, while a distant and unaffectionate city councilor took in Dempsey. As adults, the sisters have settled into a comfortable estrangement until Clara spots a woman on the streets of London who looks exactly like their mother. The twist? This version of Serene appears ageless and has lived a childless life — the very life she might have had if the girls had never been born.

As with most things, Clara and Dempsey cannot agree on the strange appearance of this woman. Clara, a celebrity author with a penchant for excessive drinking and one-night stands, is eager to welcome the confident and temperamental Serene into her home. In contrast, reclusive Dempsey, who makes a modest living doing menial data entry work from her apartment, is suspicious of the entire situation, believing it to be a cunning scheme by a con woman.

As the sisters clash over this stranger who increasingly intrudes into their lives, they hurtle toward a confrontation that threatens their very existence, ultimately forcing them to face their shared past together.


Yrsa Daley-Ward is a poet, writer, and actress. She is the author of The Howbone, and The Terrible, for which she won the PEN Ackerley Prize. She lives in Los Angeles.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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The Keeper

Read: April 2026

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The Keeper: A Novel

by Tana French

Before I finished the last page of The Keeper by Tana French, I found myself missing Cal, Lena, and Trey, along with the other characters from the Irish village of Ardnakelty. Tana French is a renowned crime writer who has inspired a devoted following among readers and has been described as “incandescent” by Stephen King. She is releasing the third and final book in the million-copy bestselling Cal Hooper trilogy.

On a cold night in the remote Irish village of Ardnakelty, a girl goes missing. Sweet, loving Rachel Holohan was about to be engaged to the son of the local big shot. Instead, she’s dead in the river.

In a close-knit small town, a death like this isn’t simple. It comes wrapped in generations-old grudges and power struggles, splitting the townland in two. Retired Chicago detective Cal Hooper has friends here now, and he owes them loyalty, but his fiancée Lena wants nothing to do with Ardnakelty’s tangles. As the feud becomes more vicious, their settled peace begins to crack. And when they uncover a scheme that casts a new light on Rachel’s death and threatens the whole village, they find themselves in the firing line.

“One of the greatest crime novelists writing today,” according to Vox, crafts a masterwork of atmospheric suspense that brings the story of one of her most beloved characters to a spellbinding conclusion.


Tana French is the New York Times–bestselling author of nine previous books, including In the Woods, The Searcher, and The Hunter. Her novels have sold over eight million copies worldwide and won numerous awards, including the Edgar, Anthony, Macavity, and Barry Awards, the Los Angeles Times Book Prize for Best Mystery/Thriller, and the Irish Book Award for Crime Fiction. She lives in Dublin with her family.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Supporting these selections not only helps me continue to provide you with personalized recommendations but also ensures you have access to meaningful stories that enrich your life. Your support truly makes a difference in helping me share more books and insights with you!


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Land of Milk and Honey: A Novel

Read: October 2023

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Land of Milk and Honey: A Novel

by C Pam Zhang

Today, I commenced reading Land of Milk and Honey: A Novel by C Pam Zhang, the award-winning author of How Much of These Hills Is Gold; she returns with a rapturous and revelatory novel about a young chef whose discovery of pleasure alters her life and, indirectly, the world. With the arrival of forest fire smoke in my neighborhood, it seemed a timely book to read.

A smog has spread. Food crops are rapidly disappearing. A chef escapes her dying career in a dreary city to take a job at a decadent mountaintop colony seemingly free of the world’s troubles.

There, the sky is clear again. Rare ingredients abound. Her enigmatic employer and his visionary daughter have built a lush new life for the global eliteZhan, one that reawakens the chef to the pleasures of taste, touch, and her body.

The chef’s boundaries undergo a thrilling erosion in this atmosphere of hidden wonders and cool, seductive violence. Soon, she is pushed to the center of a startling attempt to reshape the world far beyond the plate.

Sensuous and surprising, joyous and bitingly sharp, told in language as alluring as it is original, Land of Milk and Honey provocatively bare the ethics of seeking pleasure in a dying world. It is a daringly imaginative exploration of desire and deception, privilege and faith, and the roles we play to survive. Most of all, it is a love letter to food, wild delight, and the transformative power of a woman embracing her own appetite.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Thrust: A Novel

Read: August 2022

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Thrust: A Novel

by Lidia Yuknavitch

Thrust: A Novel by Lidia Yuknavitch is a book I recommend without reservations. The protagonist of Thrust is Laisve, a motherless girl from the late 21st century who is learning her power as a carrier, a person who can harness the power of meaningful objects to carry her through time. The book begins with the construction of the Statue of Liberty, and Laisve, with the gifts of a carrier, travels through water and time to rescue vulnerable figures from the margins of history.

The novel also focuses on rising waters and an encroaching police state endangering Laisve’s life and family. As a reader who likes historical fiction and time travel, Thrust: A Novel by Lidia Yuknavitch proved to be a page-turner.

The full GoodReads summary provides an overview of this book published on June 28, 2022,

Lidia Yuknavitch has an unmatched gift for capturing stories of people on the margins–vulnerable humans leading lives of challenge and transcendence. Now, Yuknavitch offers an imaginative masterpiece: the story of Laisve, a motherless girl from the late 21st century who is learning her power as a carrier, a person who can harness the power of meaningful objects to carry her through time.

Sifting through the detritus of a fallen city known as the Brook, she discovers a talisman that will mysteriously connect her with a series of characters from the past two centuries: a French sculptor, a woman of the American underworld, a dictator’s daughter, an accused murderer; and a squad of laborers at work on a national monument. Through intricately braided storylines, Laisve must dodge enforcement raids, find her way to the present day, and finally, to the early days of her poor country, to forge a connection that might save their lives–and their shared dream of freedom.

Thrust will leave no reader unchanged, a dazzling novel of body, spirit, and survival.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month are matched dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Heart the Lover

Read: October 2025

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Heart the Lover

by Lily King

Heart the Lover” by Lily King, the bestselling author of “Writers & Lovers,” is a beautifully intimate novel that explores themes of desire, friendship, and the lasting impact of first love. It renewed my belief that love is the most potent force in the world. Wise and unforgettable, with a delightful connection to “Writers & Lovers,” this is King at her best, solidifying her reputation as a masterful chronicler of the human experience and one of the finest novelists writing today.

You knew I’d write a book about you someday.

Our narrator has a deep understanding of good love stories—their secrets, subtext, highs, and lows. However, her most incredible love story, which she experienced herself, does not adhere to the conventional rules.

In the fall of her senior year in college, she meets two star students from her 17th-century Literature class: Sam and Yash. These best friends, who live off campus in the elegant house of a professor on sabbatical, invite her into their captivating world of academic enthusiasm, quick-witted banter, and lively card games. They nickname her Jordan, and she quickly discovers the joys of friendship, love, and her own intellectual ambition. Yet, youthful passion is unpredictable, and before long, she finds herself at the center of a complex and charged triangle. As graduation approaches, the choices made will alter the lives of the three of them forever.

Decades later, the vulnerable days of Jordan’s youth seem comfortably behind her. However, when a surprise visit and unexpected news bring the past crashing into the present, she returns to the world she left behind and must confront the decisions and deceptions of her younger self.

Written with the sharp wit and emotional sensitivity that fans and critics of Lily King admire, Heart the Lover is a profoundly moving love story that celebrates literature, forgiveness, and the transformative bonds that shape our lives.


Lily King is a bestselling author on the New York Times list, known for her six novels, including Euphoria and Writers & Lovers, as well as a collection of short stories titled Five Tuesdays in Winter. Her writing has garnered several prestigious awards, including the Kirkus Prize, the New England Book Award for Fiction, the Maine Book Award for Fiction, and a Whiting Award. Her books are read worldwide in twenty-eight different languages. She resides in Portland, Maine.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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