Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Matzoh Brei for Jan!

Matzoh Brei for Jan!

The Secret Ingredient Makes It the Best!

“Honey, I’m feeling pretty hungry,” Jan said as I handed her the morning medication.

As her loving husband and caregiver, I asked what she had in mind. “I’m really in the mood for some Matzoh Brei,” she replied.

I wasn’t sure how to make it, so I headed downstairs to find a recipe.

“Wait a minute, you’ve never made Matzoh Brei before and you don’t even like it,” she reminded me. Jan quickly jotted down a recipe for me to follow.

In the kitchen, I followed her instructions step by step, with the only change I put in all my love into the Matzoh Brei. After some time, I went back upstairs and served her breakfast. I said, “Here you go, my love. Do you require anything else?”

Jan was in the middle of a call and shook her head negatively, so I quietly left the room and headed downstairs. As I reached the first floor, I overheard Jan exclaiming, “Wow, this is the best Matzoh Brei I’ve ever had!

I smiled as I continued to our living room, remembering my grandmother’s lesson. Following Jan’s directions, I prepared the Matzoh Brei and added the secret ingredient – love!


I received the news that I hoped never to hear two years ago today.

“I’m sorry to say this, but the only option for Janice is hospice,” Dr. Strair said.

Hearing those words, my stomach flipped, and I felt like it had jumped out of the window. The call had been about planning for Jan’s recovery, but now we were discussing her death.

Today, 24 months later, I still can’t eat Matzoh Brei, but my love for Jan remains strong.

I’ve learned that love never dies, and I take it one day at a time. Even though I miss Jan, I strive to share her passion for life and kindle the light from her effervescent smiles to repair the world.

Love is the elusive yet essential ingredient that makes life complete and fulfilling.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Home for Hospice

I must focus all my attention on Jan, who will come home for hospice care. Although resources are limited, I will give Jan my utmost love and support.
Nomahegan Sunrise

Dream Walking

My Meandering Mind Helped Me Live Fully!

Since I was a young child, I have been dreaming not at night but during the day.

Most, if not all, of my childhood dreams never came to fruition.

However, since Jan died, my walking has increased in both the distance and the creative dreaming I do.

As Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “Only ideas won by walking have any value.”

After sleepwalking through the last two weeks of hospice and the first month or so after Jan died, my perambulations have intensified my brain’s default mode of mind wandering.

As Shane O’Mara‘s In Praise of Walking describes, mind wandering is “the repeated interrogation of autobiographical memory and a focus of attention from the immediate environment.”

On my early grief walks, my mind focused on doubts about Jan’s love, not the truth.

Walking sans headphones, I was able over time to accept that Jan’s love was transformative and that my only way forward was to share her passion as Merrit Malloy‘s poem Epitaph commands us,

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

One step at a time, the vision of Jan’s Memorial Garden formed in my mind, and bringing Jan’s spirit with me became a reality.

Neither my thoughts nor my footprints will be long remembered once I am gone.

But if, in some small way, they help keep Jan’s name alive and help repair the world, my meanderings will have been worth the thousands of steps I have taken.

I will always walk daily, and Jan’s love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Future Walking With Jan’s Spirit

My sound test on Zoom is a simple chant.

I test the microphone by saying, "I love Jan! I miss Jan!"

The message proves the microphone works and adjusts my frame of mind, so I am ready, willing, and able to host the Zoom call.

Yet, the change in the atmosphere does not fill the gap left in my heart since Jan died.

The OMordy Quotes help me put into perspective my circumstances,

What's destroyed can still be rebuilt, what's lost can still be found, what's broken can still be mended, an end is not always the end, it can also be a basis for a new and better beginning.

My life with Jan has been erased, and I cannot simply mend my brokenness.

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House Guest

Resizing for My New Life!

Apartment 3B is Perfect for Me!

“Wow, your apartment looks so nice,” said Mike as he walked into my new home.

I had not had visitors to my home except when Nick visited me. It was lovely to have my family visiting for a family birthday celebration.

“It is so light and airy. Everything looks like it fits perfectly,” said Elyssa, my daughter-in-law.

I nodded in agreement.

I know you and Mom had to let go of a lot of furniture when you moved, and it looks like you had to allow even more go this time. But you have made this feel like a home.”

Standing before the ceremonial shovel, Nick and I mentioned that a TaskRabbit person had installed it and the photos.

“Hugo and Ana helped me determine what I could keep and helped me find a new home for items I no longer needed,” I explained as my lips began to shake.

“It looks so lovely you could rent it as an AIRBNB.”

I laughed.

“I need a place to live that meets my needs and keeps your mom’s spirit and love with me.”


As we had dinner, I remembered when Jan and I moved to Cranford in May 2018, we expected to live here for two years and then buy a condo.

Our plans did not work out, but moving from a three-bedroom ranch to a walkable downtown was more critical than we understood then.

If we had stayed where we lived, I am unsure how I would have survived without Jan. Overwhelmed and adrift, I would have been too attached to material things and lost like a kid in a candy store.

Instead, I am centered in overlapping communities where I can walk daily and live interdependently with my neighbors.

I will forever be grateful that Jan and I moved here, as living in supportive communities has been critical in managing my grief.

Jan’s love transformed me the day we met. Her love continues to shower me with her undying support and allows me to live fully, albeit alone, in Apartment 3B!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Flowers Convert 3B Into a Home

Thanks to my friend Deb, I have made a giant step in making Apartment 3B my home! Deb, a master gardener and a member of the Hanson Park Conservancy and the Green Thumb Garden Club, helped me select the plants, and she re-potted them.
Jan is Still With Me

Bipedalism is My Magic Potion!

In Praise of Walking

In Praise of WalkingI woke up this morning with renewed enthusiasm for my top-of-the-day walk.

Last night, I read the first third of In Praise of Walking by neuroscientist Shane O’Mara.

Mike, Elyssa, and my two grandsons, Nick and Wes, had given me for my birthday. Their visit on Sunday was filled with joy and happiness.

The visit occurred two years after Mike and Elyssa came to Cranford to help Jan. I had just thought about that coincidence after they left.

In Praise of Walking is described as a hymn to walking, the mechanical magic at the core of our humanity; the book combines two of my interests, walking and reading.

Enthused by the book, I began my walk by climbing the stairs to the train platform to prepare for the Big Climb.

Standing on track one, the westbound train approached. As it passed me, the sun shone and filled the middle of the train tracks.

The rays of bright light reminded me to stay the course, live fully, and bring Jan with me.

As I exited the station, the eastbound train, filled with commuters, roared into the Ctanford station.

My mind focused on memories of the cross-country train journey that Jan and I took in 1978. If only we could make the trip again.

I could feel tears welling up inside my eye sockets, but I held them back as I remembered that Jan was with me now and forever!

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



These Feet Were Made for Walking

On Friday, the temperature for my morning walk was 55 degrees Fahrenheit.

Today was the polar opposite.

The reading on my Weather app was 5 Fahrenheit (-15 Celsius). With the wind, it felt like -13 Fahrenheit (-25 Celsius).

Yesterday, I walked 7.26 miles. Today I could only go 4.34 miles as nature, exacerbated by the cold, made an urgent call.

Planting Jan's Garden

Planting Jan’s Garden

The Power of True Love Transforms Hanson Park

Yesterday, I woke at half past five and told Jan how much I loved her in the darkness of my bedroom.

I abbreviated my walk as I received a text from Nelson, the landscaper, who had notified me he would add plants to Jan’s Memorial Garden the previous evening.

Nelson informed me that once they complete this, Hal, the irrigation contractor, will install the drip irrigation system tomorrow, and the remaining plants will arrive next week.

My feet danced as I walked to Hanson Park. I could not believe how fortuitous the timing was. Jan’s garden would take a significant step toward competition on my birthday!

Melissa, a woman I had never met, walked her cocker spaniel through the park and stopped to speak with us. Initially, she had kept a wide berth from the work site.

She inquired where she and her husband could order a similar sculpture for her home. I provided the information, and Nelson gave her his phone number.

“Hanson Park was always fantastic, but now it is truly spectacular, beautiful, and memorable. Why did they decide to make these improvements now?”

I explained to her that it was a memorial for Jan, my wife.

Melissa handed her dog’s leash to Nelson and hugged me.

May the peacefulness and beauty of your wife’s memorial help you heal. I know the tranquity of your wife’s memorial in the park helps me every day when I walk thru this jewel in Cranford.

I mumbled thank you but could not formulate a more articulate response.

After Melissa and Nelson left, I sat on Jan’s bench that faces the Rahway River.

When Nelson had scheduled the initial work on the garden and the sculpture on Jan’s mid-year birthday, I had accepted it might be a sign from her or a mere coincidence.

But having now scheduled the start of the final phase on my birthday, I could no longer assume this was coincidental.

The only answer was that it was a message from Jan and a confirmation that my guardian angels protected me and reminded me that faith and love matter.

As Viktor E. Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire.”

When I met Jan, her love transformed my life. Like Frankl, I knew my salvation would be “through love and in love.

I rose from the bench and decided to walk back to Jan’s garden to imagine I was viewing it thru someone else’s eyes for the first time.

As I approached, the spinning of the sculpture slowed, and at first, it looked like a flower blooming.

Jan died, but her love did not. From the depths of my grief, I have learned that I can bring her with me by sharing her passion for life. As Melissa confirmed, sharing Jan’s love can help others.

Standing in the sculpture’s shadow, I felt warm air on my neck. Then a quiet voice began to sing All You Need is Love. Unable to hold a tune, I hummed.

All I have ever needed was Jan’s love.

Jan’s sweet voice whispered, “I love you and always will. I will always be with you as long as you share my love.”

Yes, my love,  I will share your love now and forever with those who desperately need love!

Because all we need is love to repair the world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Jan’s Memorial Garden

Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park including installing the Wind Sculpture.

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My sister, my mom and me May 1949

Another Year, Another Birthday

Jan is Still With Me and Always Will Be!

“I want to be home for your birthday,” Jan stated as I stood beside her in the hospital.

Before she was diagnosed with Lymphoma, I would have retorted by saying it was time to plan her birthday.

However, having been in the hospital almost continually since the middle of February, I knew Jan was not in the mood for my silliness.

“I want you home,” I said as my voice vanished. After taking a deep breath, I continued, “healthy, happy, and home for good.

Jan made it home for my seventy-second birthday but was unhealthy.

Within days, she was so ill that she had to be admitted to the hospital for emergency surgery to install a stent.

Until that surgery, I had never been asked to have a copy of her advanced directory. When she was admitted to the hospital emergency department on April 2, 2021, I was not allowed to stay with her because of COVID.

An angel must have been driving my car, as I don’t remember how I got home that day.

The surgery was successful, and when I saw the warmth of her smile, she seemed like the healthiest she had been in years. Her voice was like the one I heard the day we met. Strong, confident, reassuring, and soothing.

I had no idea I only had a month left with Jan. By her birthday that year, she could not hear my birthday wishes or feel my kisses.

On Jan’s sixty-fourth birthday, I did my best rendition of “Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I’m sixty-four?”

Now that I am seventy-four, the Beatles melody would be off-key if anyone was willing to sing the song to me.

But I know that Jan is still with me now and forever. Her love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Help Me Help, Jan

Feeling the warmth of her smile, she seemed like the healthiest she had been in years.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Matzoh Brei for Jan!
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Nomahegan Sunrise
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House Guest
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Jan is Still With Me
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In Praise of Walking

Read: April 2023

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In Praise of Walking

by Shane O'Mara

I recently received a book from my family that combines two interests: walking and reading. The book, “In Praise of Walking” by Shane O’Mara, celebrates the joys, health benefits, and mechanics of walking. It emphasizes the importance of getting out of our chairs and discovering a happier, healthier, more creative self.

One of the most important insights I gained from this book is that walking can lead to mind wandering, focusing on autobiographical memory rather than the immediate environment. This realization helped me accept and appreciate Jan’s love and move forward with her passion.

The book also explores the significance of walking to our human identity. Walking upright has given us many advantages, including the freedom of our hands and minds. Walking has enabled us to spread worldwide and has many benefits for our bodies and minds, such as protecting and repairing organs, aiding digestion, and sharpening our thinking.

Overall, “In Praise of Walking” inspires us to start walking again and recognize its many benefits to our lives and societies.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Planting Jan's Garden
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My sister, my mom and me May 1949
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The Hunter: A Novel

Read: March 2024

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The Hunter: A Novel

by Tana French

Today, I began reading “The Hunter: A Novel” by Tana French, often called the Queen of Irish crime fiction. The story takes place in a small village in the West of Ireland during a hot summer. Two men arrive, one returning home and the other seeking riches. However, one of them is also seeking death.

Cal Hooper is a retired Chicago police officer who moved to rural Ireland for a peaceful life. He has built a relationship with a local woman named Lena and has been mentoring Trey Reddy, a troubled teenager on a better path. But when Trey’s long-lost father returns, accompanied by an English millionaire and a plan to find gold in the townland, everything they have built is threatened. Cal and Lena are willing to do whatever it takes to protect Trey, but Trey is not interested in protection. What she wants is revenge.

This novel, written by the acclaimed author described by The New York Times as “in a class by herself,” tells a nuanced and atmospheric tale about what we are willing to do for our loved ones, what we will do for revenge, and what we may have to sacrifice when the two collide.

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We the Animals

Read: July 2024

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We the Animals

by Justin Torres

Today, I embarked on the literary journey of We the Animals by Justin Torres. This novel, listed among the New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the Century, is a groundbreaking work of art. The author of Blackouts immerses us in the tumultuous heart of a family, the intense bonds of three brothers, and the mythic impact of this fierce love on the individuals we are destined to become.

The narrative unfolds as three brothers navigate their way through childhood, a journey filled with emotional highs and lows, from playful acts like smashing tomatoes on each other to finding solace in each other’s company during their parents’ conflicts and even tiptoeing around the house as their mother rests after her graveyard shift. Paps and Ma, hailing from Brooklyn—he’s Puerto Rican, she’s white—share a profound and challenging love, shaping and reshaping the family numerous times. Life in this family is intense and all-consuming, filled with disorder, heartache, and the ecstasy of belonging to each other.

From the intense familial unity, a child feels to the profound alienation he endures as he begins to see the world, this beautiful novel doesn’t just tell a coming-of-age story; it reinvents it in a sly and punch-in-the-stomach powerful way. It delves into themes such as love, the meaning of family, and heartache, adding another layer of depth and complexity to the story.

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Stony The Road

Read: October 2019

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Stony the Road

by Henry Louis Gates Jr

Stony the Road: Reconstruction, White Supremacy, and the Rise of Jim Crow by Henry Louis Gates Jr. is a must-read book, especially with white nationalism on the rise.

I read this book when Jan began her chemotherapy. Although the book’s subject – the retreat from reconstruction – was one I studied in college, at times, I found it hard to focus on the material and my wife’s health at the same time. I stayed on the stony road as it is a subject we need to understand if we are going to correct the past failures.

As The New York Times wrote,

Henry Louis Gates Jr.’s “Stony the Road: Reconstruction, White Supremacy, and the Rise of Jim Crow,” an indispensable guide to the making of our times, addresses 2017’s mystifications. The book sets the Obama era beside Reconstruction and the Trump era beside the white supremacist terrorism of Redemption, the period beginning in 1877 during which Reconstruction’s nascent, biracial democracy was largely dismantled. Gates juxtaposes the optimism of Reconstruction, the despair of Redemption, and the promise of the New Negro movement — the effort by black Americans, starting around the turn of the 20th century, to craft a counternarrative to white supremacy. In doing so, “Stony the Road” presents a bracing alternative to Trump-era white nationalism.

Growing up in the Jim Crow south, I was well aware of white nationalism. This book is an essential read if we are going to make America a multi-racial democracy.

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Aftermirth

Read: August 2022

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Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan

by Hillary Jordan

Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan is a book about grief as the two protagonists take a road trip that is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their suffering and others, and then beyond it, to a place of peace and laughter. I had just finished reading When She Woke by Ms. Jordan and having enjoyed that book, reading a second one by the same author seemed reasonable.

When I selected this short novel to read, I questioned if it was a good choice for me.

I found it easier to read and, in some ways, helpful. It was like meeting fellow widows from my Zoom grief groups in person at Camp Widow. The ability to laugh about our loss and cry openly is essential to meeting fellow benefits.

Michael Larssen, the narrator, raised a question I have not and still do not want to consider. What if I am still alive, Jan was a great love but is not the love of my life?

“You can’t know that he was the love of your life, and do you know why? Because guess what, you aren’t dead yet. You may feel dead right now, and believe me I’ve been there, but the fact is, until you’re lying under a tombstone of your own you can’t be sure about anything. You could prick your finger on one of your roses tomorrow, and as you’re climbing the stairs to get a Band-Aid, you trip over one of the pugs and tumble to your death. Or you could meet a man in the checkout line at the grocery store–hell, you could meet a woman even and fall madly in love with her and end up with six kids and twenty grandkids. Michael looks over at Elena, then back at George. You just don’t know, George. That’s the thing. None of us does.”— Aftermirth (Kindle Single) by Hillary Jordan

Despite my anxiety about considering this disturbing question, I highly recommend Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

I stopped being funny the day my wife was electrocuted by her underwire bra.” So begins “Aftermirth,” a dark comedy that explores the absurdity of death through the eyes of thirty-one-year-old comedian, writer, and actor Michael Larssen. What is funny to the rest of the world is devastating to Michael, who loves his wife deeply, exceptionally her bright, rippling, abandoned laughter, which captivated him from the first time he heard it. In the aftermath of her death, he loses his sense of humor and his career.

Then, after two years of mourning her, he sees an article in the paper about a factory worker named Julio Santiago who fell into a giant vat of dough and was kneaded to death. For reasons Michael doesn’t understand, he decides to go to the man’s wake. There he meets and bonds with Julio’s twenty-nine-year-old daughter Elena, a law student who is reeling from her father’s unexpected and preposterous death.

Three months later, she calls him out of the blue and suggests that the two of them drive to North Carolina to speak with another survivor like themselves Elena has found on the Internet. Their road trip is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their grief and others and then beyond it to a place of peace and laughter.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Breakaway: A Novel

Read: November 2023

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The Breakaway: A Novel

by Jennifer Weiner

Today, I started reading The Breakaway: A Novel by Jennifer Weiner, an inspiring new book about love, family, friendship, secrets, and a life-changing journey. The story revolves around 33-year-old Abby Stern, who is content with her life despite not having a steady career and living in a college-like apartment.

She cherishes her good friends, her bike, and the bicycling club in Philadelphia. Abby is comfortable with her plus-size body most of the time and is engaged to Mark Medoff, her childhood sweetheart, whom she met at a weight-loss camp that her mother dragged her to.

However, Abby can’t shake off the feeling that something is amiss, and she can’t forget the breathtaking night she spent with Sebastian two years ago. When Abby gets an unexpected invitation to lead a cycling trip from NYC to Niagara Falls, she gladly accepts, hoping to get away from Mark and reflect on her life. But things get complicated when she spots Sebastian in the group, and her mother, Eileen, whom Abby blames for her body insecurities, joins the trip at the last minute.

The strangers on the journey soon become friends, hidden truths come to light, and a teenage girl with a secret brings the riders together in ways they never imagined. As they travel over 700 miles, Abby must re-evaluate everything she thought she knew about herself, her mother, and the nature of love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Kin: A Novel

Read: March 2026

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Kin: A Novel

by Tayari Jones

Tayari Jones, the bestselling and award-winning author of An American Marriage, has crafted a magnificent new novel titled Kin. This unforgettable story sparkles with wit, intelligence, and deep emotion as it explores the lives of two lifelong friends whose paths intersect after many years apart, brought together by a devastating tragedy. The New York Times has listed it as one of “The Novels Everyone Will Be Talking About in 2026.”

Vernice and Annie, two daughters raised without mothers in Honeysuckle, Louisiana, have been best friends and neighbors since childhood. However, they lead very different lives. Vernice, cared for by a strong aunt who aims to provide her with stability after her mother’s death, leaves Honeysuckle at eighteen to attend Spelman College. There, she joins a powerful sisterhood of Black women and enters a world of affluence, manners, ambition, and inequality.

In contrast, Annie, abandoned by her mother as a child, is obsessed with finding her mother and filling the emptiness left by her absence. Her quest leads her into a life filled with danger and challenges, as well as love and adventure, ultimately culminating in a fight for her survival.

Kin is a novel that explores the themes of motherhood, friendship, sisterhood, and the complexities of being a woman in the American South. It is an exuberant, emotionally rich, and unforgettable work by one of contemporary fiction’s most compelling voices. Kin delves into themes of motherhood and daughterhood, friendship and sisterhood, and the complexities of being a woman in the American South.


Tayari Jones is the author of four novels, including her most recent work, An American Marriage. This novel was selected for Oprah’s Book Club and featured on Barack Obama’s summer reading list and his year-end roundup. It has won several prestigious awards, including the Women’s Prize for Fiction, the Aspen Words Literary Prize, and an NAACP Image Award, and published in two dozen countries. Jones serves as the C.H. Candler Professor of English and Creative Writing at Emory University and resides in Atlanta.



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