Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Richard W. shared a stream on March 17, 2023

Spring Has Sprung Earlier Than Ever!

Cranford's Spring Arrived Twenty-two Days Early

As I observed on February 19, 2023, the weeping willow by the Rhaway River had a hint of leaves eight days earlier than last year.

According to the Washington Post, the first leaves appeared on February 28, whereas the thirty-year average would have had them appear on March 22.

Cranford’s Spring Arrived Twenty-two Days Early

Ignorant of the human calendar, nature instead responds to the gradual accumulation of heat at the beginning of each year. If the daily average temperature is above freezing, that sends a signal to plants and animals that life is again preparing to grow. Each year, the USA National Phenology Network — phenology is the study of seasonal change — keeps track of when leaves sprout as heat accumulates across the country. (Washington Post)

Although the change may not be related to climate change, it has undoubtedly been exacerbated by global warming.

In addition, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, better known as NOAA, issued its seasonal outlook Thursday morning. They predict a warmer-than-usual spring for the New Jersey region and most of the eastern and southern United States.

All I know for sure is that with the early spring and warmer weather, I am excited to participate in Power for Purpose, The Reform Movement’s 2023 Campaign for Climate Justice.

Jan often reminded me that our individual and collective future is in our hands. The time to act is now!

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Early Spring or New Normal?

"I am happy to see the trees budding, but it is the middle of February," Jan greeted me as she entered our home.

"It has been a very warm winter," I responded as I reached out to hug and kiss her.

"But we are likely to get snow or an ice storm."

"Yes, but lets start planning your garden for this summer."

Richard W. Brown February 19, 2023

Richard W. shared a stream on March 15, 2023

Disregard the Ides of March

If We Live Fully, Life is Beautiful!

Time is like a river!

The icy March wind made my nose feel like it would freeze and fall off before I could return home.

Despite the chill, I took a break by Jan’s soul sister’s bench to gaze upon the river.

The Rahway River flowed steadily on its journey to the sea. On some days, it has an icy coating; on others, the banks are full of neighbors fishing.

I turn to face Jan’s bench and remember the adage about living and rivers as best I can.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of your life.

If only I could step into the river and return to a time when Jan and I walked this path in Hanson Park.

We cannot recapture the past in life or the river’s flowing waters, as time only goes forward.

But we can achieve a life worth living.

As much as the past was full of happy days, we also had sad moments.

We can and must shape the future to experience both joy and the shedding of tears.

Yesterday, after five years away, I signed up for my return trip to The Hill. It may not rival three hundred people at a Congressional Reception, but it will be a day of action.

As much as I wish Jan was still with me, I choose to live fully and embrace whatever the future brings. Like life, Jan and I shared a beautiful love!

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Bringing Jan With Me!

Although I focused on what I had lost in the initial hours and days after Jan died, the only way forward was to focus on what I gained, not what I lost.

My addition calculation begins with Merrit Malloy's poem Epitaph, which was read at Jan's funeral and will be a part of mine.

Love doesn't die, People do. So, when all that's left of me Is love, Give me away.

Richard W. Brown January 8, 2023

Richard W. shared a stream on March 14, 2023

Tomorrow Will Be a Better Day!

Living Fully in a World Without Jan!

Congressman Tom Malinowski and Jan Lilien

Former Rep. Tom Malinowski and Jan Lilien

“We bought this t-shirt for you,” said Jon and Mike gleefully.

After unwrapping and unfurling the package, I read the message as my two boys and lovely wife laughed.

CONCRETE DAD: Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set in his ways!

Looks like you found the perfect gift for my birthday!”

I wore the shirt so often that after thirty years of wear and tear, I could not wear it anymore.

“Are you sure you want to discard the t-shirt, dear? I thought it was your favorite,” Jan laughed as she held the t-shirt full of holes before me.

“I can leave that one behind…”

As cute as the t-shirt was, I have rarely felt as if I was set in my ways.

When Jan, the love of my life, died, I did not know the future, but I was confident I was flexible enough to adapt.

Slowly, one day at a time, I accepted that grief was an outstanding teacher.

Once I did, I learned to live life fully.

The best days of my life are behind and ahead of me.

Last night I signed up to attend the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism’s Day of Action.

The last time I lobbied on The Hill was in July of 2018. I was sure that I would never do that again.

Five years later, I am signed up and ready to participate in the Power for Purpose, The Reform Movement’s 2023 Campaign for Climate Justice.

Jan will be with me in spirit as I walk the halls of Congress, and the evening I return will be her 2nd Yahrzeit.

By not being stuck in my ways but choosing to live fully, I know I am doing what Jan wanted me to do.

Our love and our commitment to repairing the world will endure forever!

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Choosing to Participate Fully in Life!

Afraid grief would destroy me; I chose to grow and actively participate in my life.

I celebrated Jan's life and helped build a memorial garden in Hanson Park.

Each of those baby steps helped me thru the darkest days of my grief.

But accepting that grief has been an outstanding teacher in my life, I have learned to live life fully.

By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.

Richard W. Brown February 16, 2023

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Richard W. shared a stream on March 13, 2023

Mastering the Art of Interdependence

Our Lives Depend On Each Other

Photo courtesy of Neeru and Asish Patel.

Looking up from my iPad, I repeated my offer, “Can I help you?”

The two previous times, the young woman had walked past me as she tried to read the signs. Her cold response had been so negative I would not have been faulted for not offering my assistance.

“OK, I am looking for this address? Can you help me find it?”

I responded affirmatively and taking the small paper with the address, I quickly explained how to find the location.

“I am going in the same direction. I can help carry one of the boxes for you?”

She seemed reluctant but also pleased with the offer of help.

“We must help each other because we are interdependent,’ was my best response, even if it did not convince her to accept my assistance.

I thought about this recent conversation and hundreds of others when I read Alissa Quart‘s essay “Can We Put an End to America’s Most Dangerous Myth?” in the NY Times.

Her guest essay strongly supports “the art of dependence.”

“The art of dependence” means accepting aid with grace and, crucially, recognizing the importance of others. It takes dignity and skill to lean on friends, loved ones, and colleagues — and even on the state.

I fully agree with Ms. Quart, the author of Bootstrapped: Liberating Ourselves from the American Dream, although I would define it as the art of interdependence.

Although I have lived alone since Jan died, I am not alone. I live in an interdependent world.

I could not lift myself during my grief journey by my bootstraps. The only way to survive was to learn to accept help from others and offer support to them.

Family, friends, neighbors, and a chosen family of widows helped me grow around my grief.

We are either here for each other or alone and living in fear.

I choose to live entirely interdependent in the world!

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

My Chosen Family Helps Me Manage Grief

Family is and always will be crucial to my health and welfare. I love my two sons, their wives, and my two grandsons. However, I have also benefited from being part of a chosen family.

Richard W. Brown July 26, 2022

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Richard W. shared a book on March 12, 2023

New Book: Birnam Wood

Birnam Wood: A Novel

Birnam Wood: A Novel by Eleanor Catton is a gripping psychological thriller from the Booker Prize-winning author of The Luminaries. Birnam Wood is Shakespearean in its wit, drama, and immersion in character. A brilliantly constructed consideration of intentions, actions, and consequences is an unflinching examination of the human impulse to ensure our survival. I highly recommend this novel.

Read book review Get this book All books

Richard W. shared a stream on March 12, 2023

Is Facilitating My New Career?

Is It Enough to Be a Helper?

Mitzvah Day 2022 in Hanson Park

When I am out to dinner with friends, I often wait patiently for someone to tell me my bill share.

Usually, they provide an amount, including a tip, but sometimes, they do not.

“Don’t worry, we can cover the meal,” is the response when I am not asked to pay.

Objecting is often too late, but I still question the decision.

“You facilitated our being together, and that is enough,” is the response.

Have I become someone whose value is making something more manageable or helping it along?

Is my skill set limited to moderating a discussion?

If that is what I am today, it may be because that is what I have done all of my work and personal life and what Jan’s transformative love helped me become a better person.

The best option might be to accept me as I am and not as I might fantasize about my role in life.

As I returned home with aching and tired feet, I halted my walk to chat with a neighbor.

Without thinking, I found myself quickly connecting them to other resources.

I laughed as I explained that many people think I am only good at being a facilitator.

Whatever you call it, you do it very well,” they said.

Thanks, I said as I turned toward home.

“Of course, it does begin with the “F” word…”

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Helping Others Helps Me!

No one reads my words, and few, if any, comment on my bookshelf.

But I find myself asked to facilitate more groups and thanked for only doing what any of us would do to help each other manage our grief.

Yet, I hear more people say they listen to my words because I speak with clarity and transparency. Is there any other way that any of us should talk?

Richard W. Brown January 12, 2022

Richard W. shared a stream on March 11, 2023

Despite Grief, I Can Shape My Future

Without Jan, My Agency Helps Me Live Fully

Jan in Washington January 2017

I woke up this morning feeling lethargic.

Despite my lack of energy and wet snow falling from the sky, I knew if I did not walk, I would not only lose my streak but feel worse later in the day.

I was meandering from one room to another in Apt. 3B, I decided to do my primary walk inside for the first time in over a year.

Walking in the hallways is not the same as walking in nature. But I did, and I finished four miles and burned over 400 calories.

Today’s perambulation reminded me of the definition of agency, which is to control our actions and their consequences on our lives.

My exercise was less than optimal, but I must live with my decision.

When Jan was alive, we shared decision-making.

In the early days of my grief journey, I found it effortless to avoid choices as I convinced myself the outcomes might be more than I could manage.

Accepting that there were many things I could not change, I accepted Victor Frankl the essential truth that Victor Frankl wrote about in Man’s Search for Meaning,

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

What should I make for dinner? How can I fill my time? Among others, the time I spent debating what to do seemed silly in retrospect. However, at the time, every decision or non-decision would be an earthquake that would destroy my life.

Once I decided to focus on Jan’s Memorial Garden, walk daily, read more, and write about and share our love, I grew around my grief.

In time, I accepted that grief had been an outstanding teacher, and I have learned to live life fully.

By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.