Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Florastruck in Philly!

Florastruck in Philly!

“Wow,” my friend Deborah said as we entered the 2023 Philadelphia Flower Show. “The flowers, the smell, the sounds…”

“I thought last year was spectacular, but this is stupendous,” Ron responded.

Beverly and I were busy talking when Deborah pointed out the definition on the opening exhibit’s wall.

FLORASTRUCK [flohr-uh struhk] /adj./ stunned and amazed by floral beauty.

The description provided this overview, “At the core of all human interaction with flowers is that extraordinary moment when one is overcome with joy or awe in seeing or receiving unexpected beauty. This remarkable burst of wonder and delight is what we hope you will experience as you walk through this lush, immersive flora moment.

The four of us were indeed florastruck not only for the day at the Philadelphia Flower Show but also for the two days we were in the city and even now that we are home.

Sharing the Flower Show with friends helped make this the best since Jan died.

My first trip to the Flower Show without Jan was a washout, and my days were an internal monologue with no exit.

Last year with Ron and Deborah was enjoyable, and I could speak about grief but only in the third person.

This year, the conversations, dinners, and florastruck moments were relaxed, and I could speak frankly about Jan and even laugh with my friends.

I missed Jan but knew her spirit was with me, and she would have been as florastruck as the four of us. One day at a time, my grief recedes in my rearview mirror.

I purchased flowers for Jan on the day we met; she was, is, and will always be the love of my life!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Opening Our Eyes and Taking Action

"I think Einstein said something about this, but I cannot remember the quote precisely."

I nodded in response and spoke, "It was something about how they look and do nothing."

We stopped briefly, searched the internet, and instantly found the quote.

The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein.

I mentioned that on King's birthday, Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, Pastor of the Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, discussed the same topic.

His key point is, "blurred vision keeps us from not on loving our neighbors but also our enemies. The time to confront the impediments that impede progress in our communities, state, and nation is now!"

Opening Our Eyes and Taking Action

Opening Our Eyes and Taking Action

“We all need to share more to help our neighbors,” my friend said as we walked thru the Flower Show.

Before responding, we stopped to take photos of one of the exhibits.

“Yes, we do,” I responded. “But too many people do not see the need for sharing with others.

We continued to stroll thru the Flower Show.

I think Einstein said something about this, but I cannot remember the quote precisely.

I nodded in response and spoke, “It was something about how they look and do nothing.”

We stopped briefly, searched the internet, and instantly found the quote.

The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. – Albert Einstein.

I mentioned that on King’s birthday, Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, Pastor of the Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, discussed the same topic.

His key point is, “Blurred vision keeps us from not only loving our neighbors but also our enemies. The time to confront the impediments that impede progress in our communities, states, and nations is now!

We continued discussing sharing and working to improve the world as we looked at beautiful flower arrangements.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Our Collective Astigmatism

Last night, I attended the Cranford Community Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday Commemoration.

The annual event, held this year at Cranford's First Baptist Church, is one that Jan and I would attend together. Being back in person was, I thought, what would make the event inspiring.

Most years, the keynote speaker does an adequate job, but last night Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, the Pastor of Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, set a new standard. Rev. Lassiter is also President of the NJ Convention of Progressive Baptists.

Like other great speakers, Rev. Lassiter's speech rose to a crescendo that challenged the audience to confront their astigmatism so they could see our crisis.

Flower Show With Friends

Flower Show Memories 2022

Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

“When is the Flower Show this year?”

I said the first week of March, as it is indoors again.

Before I could ask if she and her husband wanted to join me, she responded, “Let’s go again!”

Jan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show.

During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go.

I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated last year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.

We will leave within the hour, and I cannot wait to be there with my good friends.

Jan was with me on every step I took during last year’s Flower Show. I know she will be with me this year.

The love we shared will never die; it will only grow stronger daily!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Flower Show 2022 With Friends

Jan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show. During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go. I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated this year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.

Smiling, Wes is Eight Months Old!

Smiling, Wes is Eight Months Old!

When Wes Smiles, I See Jan!

Jan Lilien

Jan in Nova Scotia

Last Friday was a difficult mathematical moment for me.

Being Wes’s eighth birthday, I was ecstatic, but I had to do the math to remember how long it had been since Jan, the love of my life, died.

If Wes is eight months old and was born fourteen months after Jan died, then the answer to how long I have lived without Jan is twenty-two months.

When Jan died, my life felt like there was no way I could get to the following day. One step at a time, I was able to continue to live.

The most important lesson I learned is not to focus on what I lost but on how much I gained because of Jan’s transformative love.

I know that my grief journey is now in my rearview mirror, and I focus on celebrating Jan’s life and sharing her love.

Enjoy this short video of Wes; when he smiles, I remember Jan!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wes and Jan Have the Same Smile!

The first time Jan smiled at me, my heart melted like ice cubes on a hot, humid summer day.

Jan poured wine on my head while still smiling at me.

Despite a wine-soaked forehead, I knew I would love her forever.

Our second grandson Wes Jude Nucero was born fourteen months after Jan died.

O Beautiful A Novel

O Beautiful: A Novel

O Beautiful: A Novel by Jung Yun, the critically acclaimed author of Shelter, has written an unflinching portrayal of a woman trying to come to terms with the ghosts of her past and the tortured realities of a deeply divided America. With spare and graceful prose, O Beautiful presents an immersive portrait of a community rife with tensions and competing interests and one woman's attempts to reconcile her anger with her love of beautiful but troubled land. I highly recommend O Beautiful!

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Twelfth Night on the Eleventh

Why I Read Books and Enjoy Live Theatre

The Power of Art in a Political Age

Since the love of my life died in May 2021, I have read one hundred-thirty (130) books.

Seventy-four (74) were read last year, and I finished my twentieth (20) this year yesterday.

I have also begun to attend live theatre performances with friends and, whenever possible, with my oldest grandson. He and I are season ticket holders at the Shakespeare Theatre of NJ.

Many of my fellow widows have warned me not to read or attend theatrical events because they might be triggering. I believe that triggers are everywhere, and learning how others have responded can help me to cope.

Both books and theatre have been crucial to my grief journey, which is now in my rearview mirror.

In this morning’s New York Times, David Brooks wrote a column entitled “The Power of Art in a Political Age,” which reassured me of my opinion and helped me to recommit to reading and to attend theatrical events.

He made three key points,

First, beauty impels us to pay a certain kind of attention. It startles you and prompts you to cast off the self-centered tendency to always be imposing your opinions on things.

Second, artworks widen your emotional repertoire. When you read a poem or see a piece of sculpture, you haven’t learned a new fact, but you’ve had a new experience.

Third, art teaches you to see the world through the eyes of another, often a person who sees more deeply than you do.

Daily, I renew my commitment to the power of art in a political age. It helps me to bring Jan with me and to share our love with others, as love never dies.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Are Good Deeds and Kindness Enough?

Are Good Deeds and Kindness Enough?

Can I Become a Mensch?

Jan in Washington January 2017One of my goals has been to become a mensch.

Since Jan died in May 2021, I have focused on finding meaning and purpose.

I walk, read, and help others as much as possible.

Is becoming a mensch in my eighth decade possible?

I know that Jan was a mensch among her many accomplishments.

Perhaps I should accept that being her husband is the best I can achieve.

I often say I am a mensch-in-training, but the truth is that it is a designation achieved by the assessment of others, not by our training to become one.

Although I had prepared the essence of my eulogy in one sentence for Rabbi Renee, I will now modify it by deleting mensch-in-training.

Richard lived fully; he loved Jan and brought her with him by sharing her love; he worked to repair the world and was a mensch-in-training.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Bringing Jan With Me!

Although I focused on what I had lost in the initial hours and days after Jan died, the only way forward was to focus on what I gained, not what I lost.

My addition calculation begins with Merrit Malloy's poem Epitaph, which was read at Jan's funeral and will be a part of mine.

Love doesn't die, People do. So, when all that's left of me Is love, Give me away.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Florastruck in Philly!
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Opening Our Eyes and Taking Action
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Flower Show With Friends
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Smiling, Wes is Eight Months Old!
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O Beautiful A Novel

Read: March 2023

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O Beautiful: A Novel

by Jung Yun

O Beautiful: A Novel by Jung Yun, the critically acclaimed author of Shelter, has written an unflinching portrayal of a woman trying to come to terms with the ghosts of her past and the tortured realities of a deeply divided America. With spare and graceful prose, O Beautiful presents an immersive portrait of a community rife with tensions, competing interests, and one woman’s attempts to reconcile her anger with her love of beautiful but troubled land. I highly recommend O Beautiful!

I finished reading O Beautiful on International Women’s Day. It might have been coincidental, but in my humble opinion, it was the perfect book to read on this important day. Ms. Yun has written a novel that touches on the intersectionality of the core issues of our divided land. The misogyny, the racism, and the impact of capitalism out of control are all related and are affecting the quality of life in the early twenty-first century.

Elinor Hanson, the protagonist, is so vividly written that she jumps off the page and becomes someone we know as a family member. When she returned home to write about the Bakken oil boom in North Dakota, I felt I had known her all my life. Unfortunately, the novel ended when she finally understood the issues and was in touch with her anger. I wish it would have continued so that the problems might have been addressed. Despite this, I highly recommend this novel.

O Beautiful is the twenty-first book I have read this year! My goal was twenty-three.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Elinor Hanson, a forty-something former model, struggles to reinvent herself as a freelance writer when she receives an unexpected assignment. Her mentor from grad school offers her a chance to write for a prestigious magazine about the Bakken oil boom in North Dakota.

Elinor grew up near the Bakken, raised by an overbearing father and a distant Korean mother who met and married when he was stationed overseas. After decades from home, Elinor returns to a landscape she hardly recognizes, overrun by tens of thousands of newcomers.

Surrounded by roughnecks seeking their fortunes in oil and long-time residents worried about their changing community, Elinor experiences a profound sense of alienation and grief. She rages at the unrelenting male gaze, the locals who still see her as a foreigner, and the memories of her family’s estrangement after her mother decided to escape her unhappy marriage, leaving Elinor and her sister behind.

The longer she pursues this potentially career-altering assignment, the more her past intertwines with the story she’s trying to tell, revealing disturbing new realities that will forever change her and how she looks at the world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Twelfth Night on the Eleventh
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Are Good Deeds and Kindness Enough?
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Girlfriend on Mars: A Novel

Read: July 2023

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Girlfriend on Mars: A Novel

by Deborah Willis

I began reading “Girlfriend on Mars: A Novel” by Deborah Willis today. It’s a humorous, touching, and captivating debut novel that satirizes the idea of space travel funded by billionaires and tells a love story that spans across planets. Alic Munro, one of my preferred authors, praised the book’s emotional depth and range, as well as the author’s exceptional clarity and skill in writing.

Amber Kivinen is vying for a chance to join MarsNow and be part of the first human-led mission to Mars. She is one of twenty-three reality TV contestants worldwide, including an attractive Israeli soldier named Adam, a charming Canadian named Pichu, and several science enthusiasts and aspiring influencers. Billionaire Geoff Task is sponsoring the mission; only two seats are available.

Meanwhile, Kevin, Amber’s boyfriend of fourteen years, is left behind as Amber pursues her dream. He spends his days caring for their hydroponic weed business in their expensive basement apartment in Vancouver while wondering why the woman he loves is so determined to leave the planet with someone else.

In a reality TV show similar to Survivor and Star Trek, Amber participates in challenges in various parts of the world. She seems to develop feelings for Adam, but it’s unclear whether it’s genuine or a strategy to avoid getting eliminated. Furthermore, given that the technology to return to Earth from Mars is not yet available, would Amber be willing to abandon everything to become a billionaire’s experimental subject on the red planet? Even though the rainforest is currently ablaze, Geoff Task has purchased New Zealand, and Kevin may be struggling with depression, is there any chance for a brighter future on Earth?

Girlfriend on Mars is an impressive first work from a brilliant and unique writer, as described by Molly Antopol. It presents a satirical critique of our societal desire for fame and fortune amid environmental turmoil. At the same time, it delves into humanity’s fundamental yearning and eternal cliché: love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Last House: A Novel

Read: May 2024

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Last House: A Novel

by Jessica Shattuck

I started reading “Last House: A Novel” by Jessica Shattuck today. She is an esteemed New York Times bestselling author known for her work “The Women in the Castle.” This sweeping narrative, perfect for “The Dutch House” and “Great Circle” fans, explores a nation’s rise to power and a family’s complex ties to the resources that shaped their wealth. It also delves into the events that led to their greatest tragedy, a secret that threatens to tear them apart.

In 1953, a World War II veteran turned company lawyer, Nick Taylor, saw oil as the key to the future. He commutes to the city for work and returns to the peaceful suburbs to be with his wife, Bet, a former codebreaker now a housewife, and their two children, Katherine and Harry. Nick, who comes from humble origins, can provide for his family, including their secluded country escape called Last House, thanks to his work for American Oil. Last House, deep in the Vermont mountains, offers the Taylors a retreat from the stresses of modern life. Bet no longer worries about the Russian H-bombs that haunt her dreams, and the children can roam freely in the woods. Last House is a place that seems capable of surviving the end of the world.

1968, a turning point in American history, where the nation teeters on the brink of transformation. The streets pulsate with protestors challenging everything from the Vietnam War to racism and even the country’s reliance on Big Oil. As Katherine enters adulthood, she finds herself caught in the era’s tide, struggling to reconcile her ideals with the privileged upbringing her parents, part of the Greatest Generation, toiled to provide. But when the Movement takes a secure, more radical turn, each member of the Taylor family must face the repercussions of their choices for the causes they believed in. This rich historical backdrop infuses the Taylor family’s narrative with depth and intrigue, leaving us hungry for more about this transformative era.

Last House” spans multiple generations and nearly eighty years, telling the story of one American family during a time of grand ideals and significant downfalls. It explores themes of family dynamics, the impact of wealth, and the societal changes that shaped America. Set against the backdrop of our nation’s history, this emotional tour de force delves deeply into questions of inheritance and what we owe each other. It captures the gravity of time, the double edge of progress, and the hubris of empire to stunning effect.

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Rejection: Fiction

Read: December 2024

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Rejection: Fiction

by Tony Tulathimutte

Today, I dove into Tony Tulathimutte‘s “Rejection: Fiction,” and I’m already captivated! This book was longlisted for the 2024 National Book Award in Fiction and named a New York Times Best Book of the Year. Tulathimutte, known for his award-winning work “Private Citizens,” weaves together a series of electrifying linked stories that keenly examine how rejection weaves its way into the lives and relationships of his deeply intertwined characters.

With sharp observations and outrageous humor, *Rejection* delves into the most sensitive issues of modern life. This collection of seven interconnected stories transitions smoothly between the personal crises of a complex cast of characters and the comic tragedies associated with sex, relationships, identity, and the internet.

In “The Feminist,” a young man’s passionate allyship turns into furious nihilism as he realizes, after thirty lonely years, that his efforts are not leading to romantic success or even getting laid; in “Pics,” a young woman’s unrequited crush spirals into obsession, systematically eroding her sense of self. “Ahegao; or, The Ballad of Sexual Repression,” depicts a shy late bloomer whose fumbling attempts at a first relationship result in a life-changing mistake. As these characters intersect through dating apps, social media feeds, dimly lit bars, and bedrooms, they reveal how our delusions can distort our desire for connection.

These brilliant satires examine the understated sorrows of rejection with a modern classic’s authority and a manifesto’s frenetic energy. Bold and unforgettable, Rejection is a striking mosaic that redefines what it means to face rejection from lovers, friends, society, and oneself.



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Sea of Tranquility

Read: September 2022

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Sea of Tranquility

by Emily St. John Mandel

Sea of Tranquility by Emily St. John Mandel has been on my reading list for months. I recommend the book without reservations. Sea of Tranquility is a novel of art, time, love, and plague that takes the reader from Vancouver Island in 1912 to a dark colony on the moon three hundred years later, unfurling a story of humanity across centuries and space. It was a page-turner from page one.

With the delay of Artemis I, I have been thinking a lot about the Sea of Tranquility, the original lunar landing site. Sea of Tranquility reminded me of the days of my youth when we believed that NASA would colonize the moon as it is in the novel.

One of the passages that moved me was when Olive Llewellyn asked, “What if it always is the end of the world.” A second profound passage asks, “A life lived in a simulation is still a life.

The Goodreads summary provides a good overview,

Edwin St. Andrew is eighteen years old when he crosses the Atlantic by steamship, exiled from polite society following an ill-conceived diatribe at a dinner party. He enters the forest, spellbound by the beauty of the Canadian wilderness, and suddenly hears the notes of a violin echoing in an airship terminal—an experience that shocks him to his core.

Two centuries later a famous writer named Olive Llewellyn is on a book tour. She’s traveling all over Earth, but her home is the second moon colony, a place of white stone, spired towers, and artificial beauty. Within the text of Olive’s bestselling pandemic novel lies a strange passage: a man plays his violin for change in the echoing corridor of an airship terminal as the trees of a forest rise around him.

When Gaspery-Jacques Roberts, a detective in the Night City, is hired to investigate an anomaly in the North American wilderness, he uncovers a series of lives upended: The exiled son of an earl driven to madness, a writer trapped far from home as a pandemic ravages Earth, and a childhood friend from the Night City who, like Gaspery himself, has glimpsed the chance to do something extraordinary that will disrupt the timeline of the universe.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Jackal's Mistress

Read: March 2025

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The Jackal’s Mistress

by Chris Bohjalian

Today, I dove into “The Jackal’s Mistress” by Chris Bohjalian, a gripping Civil War love story inspired by a true friendship that defied the odds. It follows the wife of a missing Confederate soldier as she stumbles upon a wounded Yankee officer. With the battlefield’s tension looming, she faces a heart-wrenching choice: How much is she willing to risk for the life of a stranger?

Written by a New York Times bestselling author renowned for captivating historical novels like “Hour of the Witch” and “The Sandcastle Girls,” this tale promises an unforgettable journey of love and sacrifice.

Virginia, 1864—Libby Steadman’s husband has been away so long that she can barely remember his voice in her dreams. While she longs for him at night, fearing he is dead in a Union prison camp, her days are spent running a gristmill with her teenage niece, a hired hand, and his wife. The Confederate Army requisitions all the grain they produce. It’s a precarious life in the Shenandoah Valley, a region that frequently changes hands, with control shifting back and forth between North and South. Libby wakes each morning expecting to see her land transformed into a battlefield.

Then, Libby discovers a gravely injured Union officer left for dead in a neighbor’s house, his hand and leg bones shattered. Captain Jonathan Weybridge of the Vermont Brigade is her enemy, but he is also in dire need. Libby faces a terrible decision: should she leave him to die alone, or should she risk treason and try to nurse him back to health? If she succeeds, will she attempt to secretly bring him across Union lines in hopes of negotiating a trade for news about her husband?

The Jackal’s Mistress” is a vivid and sweeping story of two people navigating the boundaries of love and humanity amid a backdrop of brutal violence. This heart-stopping novel is based on a largely unknown piece of American history and showcases one of our greatest storytellers.


Chris Bohjalian is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of twenty-five books, including “The Princess of Las Vegas,” “The Lioness,” “Hour of the Witch,” “Midwives,” and “The Flight Attendant,” which has been adapted into a limited series on Max starring Kaley Cuoco.

His other notable works include “The Red Lotus,” “The Guest Room,” “Close Your Eyes, Hold Hands,” “The Sandcastle Girls,” “Skeletons at the Feast,” and “The Double Bind.” Several of his novels, including “Secrets of Eden,” “Midwives,” and “Past the Bleachers,” have been adapted into movies. Bohjalian’s works have been translated into more than thirty-five languages. In addition to writing novels, he is also a playwright, with works such as “The Club,” “Wingspan,” and “Midwives.

He resides in Vermont and can be found online at chrisbohjalian.com and on Facebook, Instagram, X, TikTok, Litsy, and Goodreads.



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Discontent

Read: October 2025

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Discontent: A Novel

by Beatriz Serrano

Discontent” by Beatriz Serrano is a bold and darkly humorous novel that follows a young woman whose carefully constructed office persona starts to unravel when she is compelled to attend her company’s annual retreat. On the surface, Marisa’s life appears enviable. She lives in a beautiful apartment in the heart of Madrid, has a charming neighbor who often spends time with her, and has quickly ascended the ranks at a successful advertising agency.

And yet she’s drowning in a dark hole of existential dread induced by the banality of corporate life. Marisa hates her job and everyone at it. She spends her working hours locked in her office, hiding from her coworkers, bingeing on YouTube videos, and getting high on tranquilizers. When she has the time, she escapes to her favorite museum where she contemplates the meaning of life while staring at Hieronymus Bosch paintings, or tries to get hit by a car so she can go on disability.

However, Marisa’s dubious success, which is primarily built on lies and work she has stolen from others, is in danger of being exposed when she’s forced to attend her company’s team-building retreat. Isolated in the Segovia forests, haunted by the deeply buried memory of a former coworker, and surrounded by psychopathic bosses, overzealous coworkers, flirty retreat staff, and an excess of drugs, Marisa finds herself acting on her wildest impulses. She is pushed to the brink of a complete spiral.


Beatriz Serrano is a striking new voice in international literature. A writer and journalist who has written for publications such as BuzzFeed, Vanity Fair, GQ, Harper’s Bazaar, El País, SModa, and Vogue. Along with writer Guillermo Alonso, she currently co-directs the podcast “Arsenic Caviar“, which won the Ondas Prize for best conversational podcast. Discontent is her first novel. She lives in Madrid.



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