Rebuilding My Life One Piece at a Time
Is Life a Jigsaw Puzzle?
Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 0 seconds
When I wake up, I see a portrait of Jan adjacent to our plants and a jigsaw puzzle of Brooklyn on the bookcase.
The box holding the puzzle shows signs of wear and tear, befitting something that has been in our family for almost fifty years.
Before we married, we did the puzzle numerous times. It helped us remain grounded as our relationship strengthened.
“Jan, this is where my apartment is and where we are now!”
Jan smiled and leaned in to kiss me. “We are much closer than the map indicates…”
When I heard that hospice was the only option, my world collapsed into a million jigsaw pieces.
On my morning walk, I realized I am a mere six weeks shy of two years living without Jan.
Although it has been decades since I did a jigsaw puzzle in real life, I have pieced together a life that has brought Jan with me over the last year.
Without a picture on the box to guide me, I woke up the day after Jan died with a million pieces of my life scattered like confetti in Apartment 3D.
I focused initially on finding the pillars that would hold me up until I could find order in a world without purpose or meaning.
The first pillar was faith, and the second was the understanding that love never dies if you share it with others.
Walking became the base as it soothes my soul and energizes my heart.
The top border was reading and writing about my love for Jan, which has only deepened during my grief journey.
With the support of family, friends, neighbors, fellow widows, and Rabbi Renee, I have rebuilt my life with meaning and purpose. Despite the odds, I have found a way to live fully, love Jan more than ever, and share her love freely with everyone.
Love never dies; people do.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
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Choosing to Participate Fully in Life!
Afraid grief would destroy me; I chose to grow and actively participate in my life.
I celebrated Jan's life and helped build a memorial garden in Hanson Park.
Each of those baby steps helped me thru the darkest days of my grief.
But accepting that grief has been an outstanding teacher in my life, I have learned to live life fully.
By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.
