Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Hey Siri, I Love you!

Siri, Is JanStill With Me?

“Jan, I am going out for my morning walk. I will be back soon, my love.”

Picking up my walking shirts and shoes, I look around and am reminded that Jan is not here and I am talking to myself.

I have done this every day since Jan died, despite the lack of a response.

As I set my Apple Watch to track my walk, I realize I am leaving later than expected.

The sun has not risen, and the sky is overcast.

Each step seems as if each shoe weighs a ton.

Like Jan, I persist and keep walking.

The sun rises, and I still struggle to stay on pace.

I return home when I am only halfway thru my regular morning walk.

Typically, I ask Siri to play NPR.

But today, I ask, “Hey, Siri, I love Jan!”

I can’t find that in your music library…

“Siri, Love never dies, and I do not need to look in my library. I know she still loves me now.”

My Apple Mini Homepods start playing Love Never Dies by Andrew Lloyd Weber.

Love never dies
Love never falters
Once it has spoken
Love is yours

My old body does its best to pirouette as my feet are weightless as I dance with the love of my life.

“Thank you, Siri! Jan is still with me now and always will be! I am reenergized and ready for the Big Climb!”


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Jan’s Smile is Still With Me!

Jan and I always believed that smiling is essential, even in the darkest moments. I have seen thousands of Jan's smiles, but I remember one more than others. Six months before her lymphoma diagnosis, I was ending my full-time work career. I always introduced Jan and thanked her for her love and support.

If you are honoring me, I only deserve it because of the love and support of my wife, Jan!

An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President's Murder

An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President's Murder

An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President's Murder by Susan Wels is a true crime odyssey that explores a forgotten, astonishing chapter of American history, leading the reader from a free-love community in upstate New York to the shocking assassination of President James Garfield. I had read about this historical period in several other books, most recently Civil War by Other Means..

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The Rent is Due Everyday!

The Rent is Due Everyday!

“You have been very generous, Mr. Brown, but I am calling today to see if you can help with a matching grant.”

The woman’s voice sounded sincere, and her request was pulling at my heartstrings.

Since the love of my life died, my charitable contributions have increased dramatically.

I responded. “I am not generous; I am trying to pay the rent I owe for living in a broken world. How would my donation be used?

She explained the initiative, how much they needed to implement it, and the benefits of the matching donation.

“That sounds good, but give me a day or two to think about how I might be able to help.”

It was not the response she wanted or that I would typically have given.


I have given more in the last three years than we contributed over a decade.

For the first time since 1974, I am filing my federal income taxes as a single person. All of my itemized deductions are for charitable donations.

Of course, I also volunteer and encourage non-profit leaders with new ideas.

I will not stop paying my rent every day, but my goal for 2023 is to focus on fewer charities so I can have a greater impact.

It is one of the crucial lessons that Jan taught me.

Each gift I make is one I know she would support.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Charity for All

One of the end-of-year tasks that Jan and I would do together would be to make our final charitable contributions.

Although most donations are made monthly, there is always a list at the end of the year.

Two years ago, Jan was in the emergency room, and I had to do them with her consultation.

It was a frantic effort as the clock ticked rapidly toward midnight, but we completed the task.

Jimmy, We Will Miss You!

Jimmy, We Will Miss You!

“I am glad we went early,” Jan said as we looked at the long line of people waiting to vote at Ebbetts Field Apartments.

I had placed my arm around her, not for security but for stability, as our first child was due at the end of December.

I responded that they would extend voting hours so everyone could vote.

“I want to be a parent with a president who cares about us.”

I nodded even though I knew the polls suggested it would be Ronald Reagan and not Jimmy Carter.

“We were standing close to home plate, which Jackie Robinson stole regularly. There is a chance Jimmy could still win.”

When we arrived at our home on Sterling Street, I turned on the radio after helping Jan remove her coat.

The first announcement confirmed that voting in NYC would be extended.

A half-hour later, while people on the West Coast and in our neighborhood were voting, the election was called for Reagan.


This forty-two-year-old memory resurfaced when I heard Jimmy Carter was going home for hospice.

I will leave it to professional historians to assess his one-term presidency.

What remains indisputable is his post-presidency humanitarian work.

As President Carter said,

I have one life and one chance to make it count for something… My faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever I can, for as long as I can with whatever I have to try to make a difference.

Carter reminded me of my father, an honest, straightforward man who always wanted to make a difference.

Both set a high bar for my mensch-in-training studies.

Although I miss both Carter and my father, Jan, who is still with me in spirit, is the one I miss the most.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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We Are Having a Baby!

Dancing around the dining room into the living room, we celebrated. "We are having a baby!" We halted in the middle of the living room and kissed passionately.
Early Spring or New Normal?

Early Spring or New Normal?

“I am happy to see the trees budding, but it is the middle of February,” Jan greeted me as she entered our home.

“It has been a very warm winter,” I responded, reaching out to hug and kiss her.

“But we are likely to get snow or an ice storm.”

“Yes, but lets start planning your garden for this summer.”

“You always help me feel better by changing the subject…”


Although I am not an environmental scientist, I plan to start tracking when the trees begin to bloom.

The weeping willow by the Rhaway River was eight days earlier than last year.

As of yesterday, we have been almost 9 degrees Fahrenheit above average since the beginning of January. If this continues, one day, Jan could have gardened year-round.

The weather is weirder than I ever remember.

At least Jan is with me, if only in spirit, to help me manage the strange new world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Loving Jan Kindles My Happiness!

Loving Jan Kindles My Happiness!

“Richard, I am worried about you if this treatment does not work,” Jan said as we parked her Prius on the day her CAR-T treatment began.

I reached over and kissed her sweet lips.

“I like your kisses but if I do not suruvive…”

I responded while holding one bag in my left hand and the other over my shoulder.

“We have good doctors, and I am confident you will be cancer free before the end of the year.”

“You are always so happy while my life is so crappy.”

I pushed the button for the elevator and turned to face the love of my life.

“My grandmother always taught me that people are happy when they focus on those they love and I love you now and forever!”


As readers of this blog know, Jan survived CAR-T, but cancer returned.

Except for when she was home for hospice and the initial weeks after her death, I have tried to stay focused on the transformative power of Jan’s love.

The default option would have been to focus on what I had lost and cry enough tears to turn Death Valley into the Garden of Eden.

However, despite her physical absence, I believe Jan is still with me and always will be.

Did the Orchid bloom on its own? No, it did not bloom on its own.

It was a message from Jan that our love will never die as long as I share it freely with all who need it.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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All I Ever Needed Was Jan’s Love!

All You Need is Love by The Beatles.

Of course, all I ever needed was Jan's love.

In the 1960s, Jan and I would sing the chorus with the Beatles,

All you need is love. All you need is love. All you need is love, love. Love is all you need.
Until I met Jan, I honestly never understood love. She transformed my life, and my love for her will never die.

Humming the song today, I made a minor adjustment. Now and forever! All I need is Jan's Love

Walking in the Metaverse

Walking in the Metaverse

“You are too close and will be filmed if you do not leave immediately,” the robotic voice said as I walked in the public roadway.

I had thought someone was talking to me for weeks.

Finally, I realized it was a security camera on the side of a house. I had become a reel on the metaverse!

I was not intruding on their property with automobiles parked on the street; I was six feet from the curb.

I was not being asked to dance like an Amazon delivery driver!

Instead, I waved and chirped Siri-like, “Have a nice day!”


Why does that homeowner need to worry about me, an almost octogenarian? Why be so concerned about security in Cranford?

I can hear Jan laughing.

Sweats, a hoodie, and a gray beard do not make you suspicious. You look like the man I love!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Frozen Steps on a Windy Day

"You earned a double ribbon today," my friend Cindy said as she slowed down to walk with her dog Henry next to me.

"Why, two ribbons," I asked as the brutal winds chopped my words into tiny ice pellets.

"One for walking daily and the second for walking in frigid weather."

I nodded and reminded myself I was walking for physical and mental health, not ribbons.

"The lake isn't frozen."

"Climate change," she responded.

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Hey Siri, I Love you!
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An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President's Murder

Read: February 2023

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An Assassin in Utopia

by Susan Wels

An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President’s Murder by Susan Wels is a true crime odyssey that explores a forgotten, astonishing chapter of American history, leading the reader from a free-love community in upstate New York to the shocking assassination of President James Garfield. I had read about this historical period in several other books, most recently Civil War by Other Means.

Susan Wels has written an excellent historical overview of a period we often overlook. I highly recommend An Assassin in Utopia: The True Story of a Nineteenth-Century Sex Cult and a President’s Murder.

The Oneida Community, even though it was the most successful utopian community, is often overlooked. Ms. Wels connects the dots and places the experiment in the center of a transitional period. It is not merely the connection between Charles Julius Guitea and his assassination of President James Garfield, albeit a brutal crime, that shook America to its core, but all of the other linkages. These include “John Humphrey Noyes; his idol, the eccentric newspaper publisher Horace Greeley (founder of the New Yorker and the New York Tribune).”

She also resurrects the importance of the Wormely Compromise and the African-American family that was an instrumental part of public society.

I have found fiction to be something I enjoy, but I knew it was time for a non-fiction book to balance my reading. The New York Times and other publications highly rated An Assassin in Utopia.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

It was heaven on earth—and, some whispered, the devil’s garden.

Thousands came by trains and carriages to see this new Eden, carved from hundreds of acres of wild woodland. They marveled at orchards bursting with fruit, thick herds of Ayrshire cattle and Cotswold sheep, and whizzing mills. They gaped at the people who lived in this place—especially the women, with their queer cropped hair and shamelessly short skirts. The men and women of this strange outpost worked and slept together—without sin, they claimed.

From 1848 to 1881, a small utopian colony in upstate New York—the Oneida Community—was known for its shocking sexual practices, from open marriage and free love to the sexual training of young boys by older women. And in 1881, a one-time member of the Oneida Community—Charles Julius Guiteau—assassinated President James Garfield in a brutal crime that shook America to its core.

An Assassin in Utopia is the first book that weaves together these explosive stories in a tale of utopian experiments, political machinations, and murder. This deeply researched narrative—by bestselling author Susan Wels—tells the true, interlocking stories of the Oneida Community and its radical founder, John Humphrey Noyes; his idol, the eccentric newspaper publisher Horace Greeley (founder of the New Yorker and the New York Tribune); and the gloomy, indecisive President James Garfield—who was assassinated after his first six months in office.

Juxtaposed to their stories is the odd tale of Garfield’s assassin, the demented Charles Julius Guiteau, who was connected to all of them in extraordinary, surprising ways.

Against a vivid backdrop of ambition, hucksterism, epidemics, and spectacle, the book’s interwoven stories fuse together in the climactic murder of President Garfield in 1881—at the same time as the Oneida Community collapsed.

Colorful and compelling, An Assassin in Utopia is a page-turning odyssey through America’s nineteenth-century cultural and political landscape.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The Rent is Due Everyday!
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Jimmy, We Will Miss You!
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Early Spring or New Normal?
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Loving Jan Kindles My Happiness!
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Walking in the Metaverse
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North Woods: A Novel

Read: December 2023

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North Woods: A Novel

by Daniel Mason

I recommend reading “North Woods: A Novel” by Daniel Mason today. It is the story of two young lovers who leave a Puritan colony and find shelter in a humble cabin in the woods. They are unaware this cabin will become home to a succession of extraordinary human and nonhuman characters. North Woods” has been named one of the ten best books of 2023 by both the New York Times Book Review and the Washington Post.

An English soldier who was destined for glory decides to abandon the battlefields of the New World to dedicate himself to growing apples. Meanwhile, a pair of spinster twins navigate war and famine, dealing with envy and desire. A crime reporter discovers an ancient mass grave but soon realizes the earth refuses to give up its secrets. In the same town, a lovelorn painter, a sinister con man, a stalking panther, and a lusty beetle are all present. As the inhabitants confront the wonder and mystery around them, they realize that the dark, raucous, and beautiful past is still alive.

This remarkable and highly imaginative novel by Pulitzer Prize finalist Daniel Mason is full of love, insanity, humor, and optimism. North Woods follows the cycles of history, nature, and language to reveal the numerous, enchanting ways we are connected to our surroundings, history, and each other. It is not just a memorable story about secrets and fates but a perspective on the world that poses the timeless question: How can we continue living even after we are gone?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Intimacies: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Intimacies: A Novel

by Katie Kitamura

Intimacies: A Novel by Katie Kitamura is about an interpreter who has come to The Hague to escape New York and work at the International Court. A woman of many languages and identities is finally looking for a place to call home.

Intimacies: A Novel is the second book by Ms. Kitamura that I have read this year. The multiple intimacies of the novel overlap and at times seem confusing, but in the end, it makes sense even if it is unclear how or where she will live the next phase of her life. A Separation is also written hypnotic, making it difficult to stop reading.

I not only highly recommend Intimacies: A Novel but have become a fan of Katie Kitamura and look forward to reading more of her books.

Goodreads summary provides a good overview.

She’s drawn into simmering personal dramas: her lover, Adriaan, is separated from his wife but still entangled in his marriage. Her friend Jana witnesses a seemingly random act of violence, a crime the interpreter becomes increasingly obsessed with as she befriends the victim’s sister. And she’s pulled into explosive political fires: her work interpreting for a former president accused of war crimes becomes precarious as their relationship is unbound by shifting language and meaning.

This woman is the voice in the ear of many, but what command does that give her, and how vulnerable does that leave her? Her coolly impassioned views on power, love, and violence, are tested, both in her personal intimacies and in her role at the Court. She is soon pushed to the precipice, where betrayal and heartbreak threaten to overwhelm her; it is her drive towards truth, and love, that throws into stark relief what she wants from her life.

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Whale Fall: A Novel

Read: July 2024

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Whale Fall: A Novel

by Elizabeth O'Connor

I have started reading “Whale Fall: A Novel” by Elizabeth O’Connor. With its unique blend of loss, isolation, folklore, and the journey of self-discovery, this debut novel offers a compelling narrative set in 1938 on a remote Welsh island. The story is catalyzed by the arrival of a dead whale, a powerful symbol that sets the stage for the characters’ journeys.

The story revolves around Manod, a young woman who has spent her entire life on the island. Despite their island home’s harsh yet stunning surroundings, Manod yearns to explore life beyond it, a desire that will resonate with many readers.

As two English ethnographers arrive to study the island’s culture, Manod sees it as a potential escape from her community. However, her growing involvement with them triggers a profound internal conflict. She grapples with the dilemma of pursuing her desires or remaining loyal to her community. This struggle resonates with the universal human experience, making it a compelling read for many.

‘Whale Fall‘ vividly portrays the tensions that surface when one person’s aspirations threaten the unity of a community. O’Connor’s narrative skillfully depicts the community and Manod on the brink, forced to confront a world that seems to infringe upon them. This evokes a sense of admiration for O’Connor’s storytelling prowess, making it a must-read for literary fiction enthusiasts.

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The Invisible Hour: A Novel

Read: August 2023

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The Invisible Hour: A Novel

by Alice Hoffman

Today I started reading The Invisible Hour by Alice Hoffman. It’s a story about love, heartbreak, self-discovery, and the magic of books. The Invisible Hour is the story of one woman’s dream. For a little while, it came true. Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote: “A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities.

Mia Jacob finds hope in the power of words on a brilliant June day. She reads The Scarlet Letter, a novel written almost two hundred years earlier, which mirrors her life. Mia and her mother, Ivy, live inside an oppressive cult in western Massachusetts called the Community, where contact with the outside world is forbidden, and books are considered evil. Nathaniel Hawthorne’s words perfectly capture the pain and loss that Mia carries inside her.

As Mia journeys through heartbreak and time, she breaks free from the rules of her Community. Along the way, she discovers the power of reading to transport and connect people, the fluidity of time, and the strength of love to overcome any obstacle.

As a young girl, Mia fell in love with a book. Now as a woman, she falls for a writer as she travels back in time. But what if Nathaniel Hawthorne never wrote “The Scarlet Letter”? What if Mia never found the book on the day she planned to end her life?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Bel Canto

Read: August 2024

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Bel Canto

by Ann Patchett

Today, I began my journey into the enchanting world of “Bel Canto” by Ann Patchett. This captivating novel delves into the realms of love, opera, and the remarkable ways people forge connections across cultural divides during moments of adversity. The New York Times has recognized it as one of the 100 Best Books of the Century.

At the home of the country’s vice president in South America, a lavish birthday party is underway in honor of the powerful businessman Mr. Hosokawa. The evening is perfect, with Roxanne Coss, opera’s most revered soprano, enchanting the international guests with her singing. However, this idyllic scene is shattered when a group of armed terrorists seizes the entire party. Yet, what initially seems like a nightmare gradually transforms into a moment of unexpected beauty and love. The hostages and captors form bonds that transcend their differences, turning strangers into compatriots, intimate friends, and even lovers, a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the unexpected beauty that can emerge from the most dire situations.

Ann Patchett’s Bel Canto iss a captivating novel that weaves a story of strength and frailty, love and imprisonment, and an inspiring tale of transcendent romance. Her lyrical prose and vivid imagination bring to life a world where love and opera serve as unifying forces amid a crisis. It’s a story that will keep you turning the pages, eager to uncover its secrets, and a testament to Patchett’s captivating storytelling, leaving you spellbound. No wonder the New York Times included it on its list of the 100 Best Books of the Century.

Patchett’s beautiful writing and vivid imagination make Bel Canto a compelling tale that explores themes of strength, vulnerability, love, and confinement, and ultimately tells an inspiring story of transcendent romance.

Bel Canto differs from Tom Lake, which I read nearly a year ago. Tom Lake is a novel that beautifully explores family, love, and coming of age. Patchett once again proves herself as one of America’s finest writers in both books.

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Remarkably Bright Creatures

Read: January 2024

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Remarkably Bright Creatures

by Shelby Van Pelt

Today, I recommended reading “Remarkably Bright Creatures” by Shelby Van Pelt. It’s a charming, witty, and compulsively readable exploration of friendship, reckoning, and hope. The novel traces the unlikely connection of a widow with a giant Pacific octopus, making it perfect for fans of “A Man Called Ove.” Shelby Van Pelt’s debut novel is a gentle reminder that sometimes, looking at the past can help uncover a future that once felt impossible.

The story follows Tova Sullivan, who works the night shift at the Sowell Bay Aquarium after her husband dies. Tova has been coping with loss since her eighteen-year-old son, Erik, mysteriously vanished on a boat in Puget Sound over thirty years ago.

While at the aquarium, Tova becomes acquainted with Marcellus, a grumpy giant Pacific octopus who refuses to cooperate with his human captors. However, Marcellus forms a remarkable friendship with Tova and helps her uncover the truth about her son’s disappearance.

As a detective, Marcellus uses his invertebrate body to deduce what happened when Tova’s son disappeared. Together, they embark on a journey to unearth the truth before it’s too late.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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