My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan is a searing page-turner that is also a transgressive novel of ideas about the perils of "perfect" upper-middle-class parenting; the violence enacted upon women by both the state and, at times, one another; the systems that separate families; and the boundlessness of love, The School for Good Mothers introduces, in Frida, an everywoman for the ages.
“Living alone is difficult,” she stated with conviction. “Since my husband died, my life has been empty.”
Not sure how to respond, I said, “I remember what Teddy Roosevelt said on Valentine’s Day 1884 when he lost his wife and mother. ‘The light has gone out of my life.'”
“Yes, that is how I feel.”
But he grieved and then chose to grow…
As I approach two years without Jan, I often consider how I have managed grief.
On my morning walks, I read the following message on the marquee at the First Presbyterian Church in Cranford,
LIFE IS CHANGE. GROWTH IS OPTIONAL. CHOOSE WISELY!
Unlike Roosevelt, I did not have a ranch in the Dakota Territory, so my grieving turned me into a bobblehead tossed, turned, and swallowed by the Rhaway River.
Afraid grief would destroy me, I chose to grow and actively participate in my life.
I celebrated Jan’s life and helped build a memorial garden in Hanson Park.
Each of those baby steps helped me thru the darkest days of my grief.
By accepting that grief has been an outstanding teacher, I have learned to live life fully.
It is also why I focus on mensch-in-training activities.
By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.
Have I chosen wisely?
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Although I focused on what I had lost in the initial hours and days after Jan died, the only way forward was to focus on what I gained, not what I lost.
My addition calculation begins with Merrit Malloy's poem Epitaph, which was read at Jan's funeral and will be a part of mine.
Love doesn't die, People do. So, when all that's left of me Is love, Give me away.
Today I read The Weddings by Alexander Chee. It is the fifth and last book in Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones. For Jack Cho, a fortysomething gay man, being able to marry someone he loves is so unfamiliar it's terrifying. Then a wedding invitation from a college friend brings about a collision with those fears—and his secret history.
My Apple Watch has reminded me since I moved to Apartment 3B that I am not climbing enough stairs.
I had been climbing 12 to 18 a day and now average six.
On April 22nd, two days before Jan’s birthday, I am joining The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) in the fight to cure blood cancers by participating in Big Climb NJ!
I have accepted the challenge of climbing 26 flights of stairs to the top of One Gateway Center and raising critical funds for blood cancer research and patient support.
Can I climb 26 flights? I am not sure, but I am going to do my best!
I’m stepping up to take cancer down, and you can help me ensure that one day no one will have to die from leukemia and lymphoma!
Jan’s love will help me climb one step at a time.
Will you help me meet my fundraising goal?
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Lighting the Night to Cure Lymphoma
Last night, the Light the Night event was held in Verona Park, Verona, NJ, and I, walked in memory of Jan to help find a cure for lymphoma and leukemia.
As the hundreds of walkers collectively did the countdown to commence the walk, I wept as I wanted Jan with me as a survivor so I could walk with her as her caregiver.
Although I walked alone, Jan was with me.
Together we walked to cure blood cancers so no one would die from lymphoma one day.
“Richard, you will never find someone as long as you continue to wear your wedding ring,” she announced with certainty.
“Jan has only been in her grave for a month…”
“You are not a young man. Every day you wait the more impossible your chances will be.”
“But I am not looking for a new bride.”
I am sure they believed they offered hope to a newly minted widow, but the pain remains as fresh as morning dew.
Our wedding rings were consequential for Jan and me.
Eight months after her lymphoma diagnosis, Jan’s hands were swelling, and her ring finger was at risk of losing the blood flowing from her heart. Our friends at Martin Jewelers removed it.
When informed that hospice care was the only choice, her tearful request was, “I want my wedding ring.”
Our oldest son went to Martin Jewelers, and they were able to resize her ring and reunite hers into one solid ring.
I replaced it on her hand when she arrived home for the last time.
When asked to remove it before the funeral, I said no. Jan wanted her ring, and it was not for me to remove it. I called Rabbi Renee to ensure that there was no reason she could not keep her wedding ring, and she said there was no reason to remove the ring.
According to The NYTimes,
The ancient Egyptians believed there was a vena amoris, Latin for a vein of love, in the left hand’s fourth finger with a direct route to the heart.
My rational mind denies a direct connection from the fourth finger to my heart.
But I am and always will be a romantic.
I believe in my heart and mind that the Orchid that bloomed last week was a reminder that Jan is still with me and always will be.
She is my Valentine today and every day!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
“It looks like we are good until April,” my fellow walker and weather prognosticator said as I petted his dog.
“I can’t beleive we got to the middle of February with only a dusting of snow,” he continued. “I raked my yard over the weekend and started preparing my garden.”
I nodded, and we both continued our walk in opposite directions.
I enjoy being able to walk without ice and snow on the ground, but I am apprehensive about the weird weather that has kept us snow-free.
If we are snow-free, how will it impact the reservoirs?
Is this one weird year or the beginning phase of a new, less human-friendly climate?
As I complete my morning perambulation, I realize that I am overdressed. Having left before sunrise when it was in the mid-thirties, I dressed for the cold. It is now mid-forties and rising.
Jan and I always wanted part of our inheritance to leave our children and grandchildren with a livable world.
All we can leave then now is our eternal love.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Spring’s First Weeping Willow Tree
Jan and I always found joy in the first sign of Spring.
Those signs could come anytime in an age of weird weather.
In Springfield and Teaneck, we had flower beds where the first daffodils would burst thru almost frozen ground to find the sun's warmth.
I often found them first but always let Jan be the first to see Spring.
This morning I saw the first yellowish hint in a weeping willow in Cranford despite freezing temperatures.
“Congratulations! You have created the worst letter our office has ever produced,” my predecessor stated with a chuckle that did not hide his harsh critique.
I had never used a computer, as the new job’s TRS-80 was the first I had used.
My colleague stopped me before I clicked the erase button to start over. It will be OK; you will learn over time.”
Perhaps I have improved since the early 1980s, but I am still an amateur.
Until this January, I wrote at least two memories of my life with Jan each month. I have shared many of those in the Sharing Jans Love newsletter each month.
There are still stories in the recesses of my mind, but like that first experience with the TRS-80, the words do not flow from my mind to the paper.
Some might think of this as classic writer’s block, and at times I concur.
But I am still an amateur wordsmith; the stories I have written were not merely memories but stories that flowed directly onto the page.
Albeit long-form memories are obstructed, I still write shorter streams of consciousness. Most are about how I am doing now.
Even if I do not resolve this temporary crisis, my love for Jan will never die, and I will continue to share her passion with the world.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Jessamine Chan
The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan is a searing page-turner that is also a transgressive novel of ideas about the perils of “perfect” upper-middle-class parenting; the violence enacted upon women by both the state and, at times, one another; the systems that separate families; and the boundlessness of love, The School for Good Mothers introduces, in Frida, an everywoman for the ages.
Although it has been forty-two years since I became a parent, I still remember the anxiety of being a father. What if I could not be a good dad? Fortunately, I never had a bad like Frida. or lived in an age where parents would be sent to “a Big Brother-like institution that measures the success or failure of a mother’s devotion.”
Reading The School for Good Mothers was a reminder that solutions like this are possible unless we are willing to invest in families so that the skills and support are there to resolve any issues in the home. As a widow, I found Frida’s inner dialogue comparable to the early stages of my grief journey—the total isolation and fear of failing dominated my first months of mourning.
The School for Good Mothers had been on my book list since the middle of last year. I recommend it without reservations! Jan would have already read it, and we would be debating its fine points.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
In this taut and explosive debut novel, one lapse in judgement lands a young mother in a government reform program where custody of her child hangs in the balance.
Frida Liu is struggling. She doesn’t have a career worthy of her Chinese immigrant parents’ sacrifices. She can’t persuade her husband, Gust, to give up his wellness-obsessed younger mistress. Only with Harriet, their cherubic daughter, does Frida finally attain the perfection expected of her. Harriet may be all she has, but she is just enough.
Until Frida has a very bad day.
The state has its eyes on mothers like Frida. The ones who check their phones, letting their children get injured on the playground; who let their children walk home alone. Because of one moment of poor judgment, a host of government officials will now determine if Frida is a candidate for a Big Brother-like institution that measures the success or failure of a mother’s devotion.
Faced with the possibility of losing Harriet, Frida must prove that a bad mother can be redeemed. That she can learn to be good.
Using dark wit to explore the pains and joys of the deepest ties that bind us, Chan has written a modern literary classic.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
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by Alexander Chee
Today I read The Weddings by Alexander Chee. It is the fifth and last book in Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones. For Jack Cho, a fortysomething gay man, being able to marry someone he loves is so unfamiliar it’s terrifying. Then a wedding invitation from a college friend brings about a collision with those fears—and his secret history.
I have always enjoyed weddings. I attended the last one when my younger son married in July 2021. Not sure if I will ever participate in another wedding.
I have attended many diverse weddings but never one with as many secret histories. To avoid revealing the secrets, I will state that The Weddings is well written, each moment is precise, and the mysteries are neither shocking nor disruptive to the story.
I highly recommend The Weddings.
Each Inheritance piece can be read or listened to in a single setting. By yourself, behind closed doors, or shared with someone you trust. The Weddings is the fifth one in the series I have read.
The previous four were:
I have enjoyed all five books.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
Jack and his new boyfriend, Caleb, are attending the wedding of Jack’s estranged straight friend Scott. No sooner do the guests start to mingle than questions arise about relationships, tradition, Jack’s feelings for the groom, and what’s at stake as he navigates daunting territory, both new and old. In this wry and surprising short story, award-winning author Alexander Chee extends an invitation to the party—and awakening—of a lifetime.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Jess Row
The New Earth, by Jess Row, is a commanding investigation of our deep and impossible desire to undo the injustices we have both inflicted and been forced to endure. When I read books about dysfunctional families, I am reminded of how important family is to our health and how blessed I am not to be a member of a family like the one Jess Row has created. I highly recommend this book!
The Wilcoxes saga is a case study of the difficulties of modern relationships. The reunion at the wedding of their daughter Winter unfolds in a manner that keeps the reader engaged until the final words appear on the page. Lies, infidelity, and how these actions compound and create problems for the younger generation is a book well worth reading.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
For fifteen years, the Wilcoxes have been a family in name only. Though never the picture of happiness, they once seemed like a typical white Jewish clan from the Upper West Side. But in the early 2000s, two events ruptured the relationships between them. First, Naomi revealed to her children that her biological father was Black. In the aftermath, college-age daughter Bering left home to become a radical peace activist in Palestine’s West Bank, where an Israeli Army sniper killed her.
In 2018, Winter Wilcox is getting married, and her only demand is that her mother, father, and brother emerge from their self-imposed isolations and gather once more. After decades of neglecting personal and political wounds, each remaining family member must face their fractured history and decide if they can ever reconcile.
Assembling a vast chorus of voices and ideas from across the globe, Jess Row “explodes the saga from within–blows the roof off, so to speak, to let in politics, race, theory, and the narrative self-awareness that the form had seemed hell-bent on ignoring” (Jonathan Lethem).
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Henry Louis Gates Jr
Stony the Road: Reconstruction, White Supremacy, and the Rise of Jim Crow by Henry Louis Gates Jr. is a must-read book, especially with white nationalism on the rise.
I read this book when Jan began her chemotherapy. Although the book’s subject – the retreat from reconstruction – was one I studied in college, at times, I found it hard to focus on the material and my wife’s health at the same time. I stayed on the stony road as it is a subject we need to understand if we are going to correct the past failures.
As The New York Times wrote,
Henry Louis Gates Jr.’s “Stony the Road: Reconstruction, White Supremacy, and the Rise of Jim Crow,” an indispensable guide to the making of our times, addresses 2017’s mystifications. The book sets the Obama era beside Reconstruction and the Trump era beside the white supremacist terrorism of Redemption, the period beginning in 1877 during which Reconstruction’s nascent, biracial democracy was largely dismantled. Gates juxtaposes the optimism of Reconstruction, the despair of Redemption, and the promise of the New Negro movement — the effort by black Americans, starting around the turn of the 20th century, to craft a counternarrative to white supremacy. In doing so, “Stony the Road” presents a bracing alternative to Trump-era white nationalism.
Growing up in the Jim Crow south, I was well aware of white nationalism. This book is an essential read if we are going to make America a multi-racial democracy.
by ’Pemi Aguda
Today, I started reading Ghostroots: Stories by ‘Pemi Aguda, a finalist for the 2024 National Book Award for Fiction. This collection features twelve imaginative stories set in Lagos, Nigeria, in which ‘Pemi Aguda explores the tension between our desire to be individuals and the influence of our past. One of the stories, “Breastmilk,” was shortlisted for the 2024 Caine Prize for African Writing.
The story “Manifest” depicts a woman who sees the ghost of her abusive mother in her daughter’s face, which leads to her daughter exhibiting destructive behavior. In “Breastmilk,” a wife forgives her husband for infidelity. Still, she later struggles with producing milk for her newborn, feeling like she’s failed to uphold her mother’s feminist values and doubts her ability as a mother. Things Boys Do” follows a trio of fathers who sense something unnatural about their infant sons, leading to their lives falling apart as they fear their sons are the cause of their troubles. Lastly, “24, Alhaji Williams Street” tells the story of a teenage boy living in the shadow of a mysterious disease that’s killing the boys on his street.
These stories in “Ghostroots” delve into the emotional and physical worlds, unveiling the profound impact of family, myth, tradition, gender, and modernity in Nigerian society. Pemi Aguda’s storytelling, infused with empathy and humor, showcases her as a significant new literary talent. Her deep understanding of human emotions and thorough exploration of these societal influences will leave you feeling enlightened and informed, eager to explore more of her work.
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by Lauren Groff
In “Brawler: Stories,” Lauren Groff presents an electric collection in which each story stands as a powerful triumph—bold, agile, and intensely charged. When read together, these stories resonate in an exhilarating way. Spanning from the 1950s to the present and encompassing diverse ages, social classes, and regions—from New England to Florida and California—these nine stories reflect and explore a common theme: the ongoing struggle between the darker and lighter aspects of human nature.
“In every human being, there exists both an animal and a god, locked in a struggle for dominance,” one character tells us. Among those caught in this conflict are a young woman who suddenly becomes responsible for her disabled sibling, a hot-tempered high school swimmer in need of guidance, a mother grappling with the loss of her family, and a banking heir burdened by a different kind of inheritance. Motivated by love and hindered by the well-meaning intentions of others, they strive to do the right thing for as long as possible.
Brawler is precise, surprising, and thought-provoking, offering deep insights into human nature. It reveals the heartbreaking turning points between love and fear, compassion and violence, reason and instinct, altruism and the will to survive.
Lauren Groff is a three-time National Book Award finalist and the bestselling author of five novels, including Fates and Furies, Matrix, and The Vaster Wilds, as well as two story collections, including Florida. She has won The Story Prize and the Joyce Carol Oates Prize, and she has been a finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award. Groff’s work frequently appears in prestigious publications such as The New Yorker and The Atlantic, and her books have been translated into 36 languages. She lives in Gainesville, Florida, where she and her husband own the independent bookstore The Lynx.
Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Supporting these selections not only helps me continue to provide you with personalized recommendations but also ensures you have access to meaningful stories that enrich your life. Your support truly makes a difference in helping me share more books and insights with you!
by Audrey Blake
I did something I had not done in decades. After finishing the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake, I immediately started reading the sequel, The Surgeon’s Daughter. The protagonist, Nora Beady, was such a strong female lead that I could not wait to find out what happened next. In the sequel, Nora Beady, the only female student at a prestigious medical school in Bologna, is a rarity. Nora’s tenacity and passion reminded me of Jan, the love of my life.
In the 19th century, women were supposed to remain at home and raise children, so her unconventional, indelicate ambitions to become a licensed surgeon offended the men around her.
Ms. Blake has a split personality— because she is the creative alter ego of writing duo Jaima Fixsen and Regina Sirois, two authors who met as finalists of a writing contest and have been writing together happily ever since.
The pen name – Audrey Blake – was in response to the publishers recommending a more straightforward author’s name. Regina’s daughter is named Audrey, and Jaima’s son is Blake.
The Surgeon’s Daughter is the forty-fourth book I have read this year and the ninety-ninth since the beginning of 2019. My Goodreads goal for 2022 was twenty-two books.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview.
Under constant scrutiny, Nora’s successes are taken for granted; her mistakes used as proof that women aren’t suited to the field.
Everything changes when she allies herself with Magdalena Morenco, the sole female doctor on-staff. Together the two women develop new techniques to improve a groundbreaking surgery: the Cesarean section. It’s a highly dangerous procedure and the research is grueling, but even worse is the vitriolic response from men. Most don’t trust the findings of women, and many can choose to deny their wives medical care.
Already facing resistance on all sides, Nora is shaken when she meets a patient who will die without the surgery. If the procedure is successful, her work could change the world. But a failure could cost everything: precious lives, Nora’s career, and the role women will be allowed to play in medicine.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Harriet Lane
“Other People’s Fun” by Harriet Lane is an engaging, thought-provoking novel that explores modern life, including the small lies we tell our neighbors, friends, families, and even ourselves, as well as the distorted reality of social media. Known for her signature blend of creeping unease and keen observation, Lane’s page-turner delves into our deep desire for others to truly see us as we are—and the consequences that arise when that happens.
“I look. I can’t stop looking. That’s the deal, isn’t it? We all know that’s how it works. If someone wants to be seen–and oh, how they want to be seen–then someone has to watch.”
Ruth is alone, unnoticed, and at a loss: her marriage has ended, her daughter is leaving home, and her job is leading nowhere.
But luckily, Sookie is back in her life, the vivid, self-assured Sookie who never spared time for Ruth when they were teenagers, but who now seems to want to be friends. But as Ruth becomes entangled in Sookie’s life, she realizes that everything is not as Instagrammable as Sookie would have her believe. As the truth about Sookie becomes clearer, so too does the choice Ruth will have to make.
Harriet Lane has experience as an editor and staff writer for Tatler and the Observer. She has contributed articles to The Guardian, Vogue, and The New York Times. Additionally, she is the author of two novels, Alys, Always, and Her. Lane resides in North London.
Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!
