Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Faith In My Grief Journey

Faith In My Grief Journey

Jon Brown Bar Mitzvah January 15, 1994

Jon’s Bar Mitzvah, January 15, 1994.

As a Jew, doubt fuels my life journey, especially during the days and nights of my grief.

Although I was not born Jewish, I have always been a skeptic who seeks to understand and not accept anything on blind faith.

When I met Jan, I worshiped at St john’s Lutheran Church in East Williamsburg.

The Church was the sponsor of my VISTA assignment.

Jan was not observant when we met.

When we had children, we realized we could not continue to have multiple faiths.

Temple Sha'arey ShalomSince Jan died, I have attended services almost every Friday night as a proud member of Temple Sha’arey Shalom, a warm Reform, inclusive synagogue.

Without the support and friendship of Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman, I am not sure how I would have survived the loss of the love of my life.

It has become part of my strategy not merely to survive grief but to endure the pain and find a purpose in my life without Jan.

The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. defined faith in a way I understand and embrace.

Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.

My eyes cannot confirm if the stairs go down or up or are spiral staircases.

But my faith allows me to take one step at a time.

The love Jan and I shared will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Who Am I Without Jan?

Based on the demographics of life expectancy, I always believed that Jan would outlive me.

Despite the actuarial evidence, I am the one who is still alive.

I have focused the last year on celebrating Jan's life, preserving her memory, and keeping her name mentioned.

In my efforts to define how I will use these years of living alone, I also,

  • I write daily about Jan, my love for her, my grief, my faith, and my life.
  • I take morning walks and evening strolls.
  • I read more than ever.
  • I help other widows, volunteer, and serve on three boards.

Lime for Lymphoma

Lime for Lymphoma

Visiting Jan During COVIDYesterday I discovered that lime is the color for lymphoma on the cancer rainbow from a sign on the door of Keating Physical Therapy.

I have walked to cure for lymphoma but never had heard of lime as the color.

Next September, I will encourage Hanson Park to change the lighting of Jan’s wind sculpture to lime.

In the final months of her life, Jan was on the list for a stem cell transplant.

The medical advice recommended an alternative process to use her stem cells.

Delia Ephron‘s guest essay in the NY Times wrote about her successful transplant that saved her life.

So, during the holidays, if you are under 40, register to be a blood stem cell donor. If you are having a baby, donate your umbilical cord to a cord blood bank. Talk to your OB — umbilical cords, rich with lifesaving stem cells, are otherwise, as one of my doctors put it, thrown in the trash. Give these gifts to a stranger. That’s the holiday spirit. If you have children or grandchildren in their 20s or 30s, when they ask you what you want for a present, tell them that you want them to register. Tell them that, for the holidays, you want them to save a life.

Let us all choose to save a life so one day, lime will only be a color in a rainbow, not the pigmentation for lymphoma.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Lighting the Night to Cure Lymphoma

Last night, the Light the Night event was held in Verona Park, Verona, NJ, and I, walked in memory of Jan to help find a cure for lymphoma and leukemia.

As the hundreds of walkers collectively did the countdown to commence the walk, I wept as I wanted Jan with me as a survivor so I could walk with her as her caregiver.

Although I walked alone, Jan was with me.

Together we walked to cure blood cancers so no one would die from lymphoma one day.

I Am a Chrysalis, Yes I Am!

I Am a Chrysalis, Yes I Am!

Embracing Tomorrow with JanButterflies have always fascinated me.

Decades ago, Jan and I went to a live butterfly exhibit. I took baby steps thru the narrow path of the display. If I could have, I would have stayed forever.

Is it a surprise that I worked for a quarter of a century for Monarch Housing?

Albeit butterflies are beautiful, they have enamored me with the metamorphosis they experience.

The transformation is dramatic from a caterpillar to a chrysalis to a full multi-colored butterfly.

In a stutter-step way, I have attempted my metamorphosis.

I have mastered the activities of daily living alone, but I am still burdened by grief.

Despite frustration at the challenges inhibiting my transformation, butterflies remind me it’s never too late to transform myself.

Jan is still with me and always will be. I will continue to love her and grow around my grief.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Butterflies in Jan’s Garden

Jan loved to garden. She had a green thumb and could grow vegetables or flowers during droughts, plagues, and inclement weather.

Hanson Park Conservancy's The Jan Lilien Education Fund, established with donations from family and friends, sponsors sustainability and environmental awareness programs.

Gratitude for All of Life's Blessings

Gratitude for All of Life’s Blessings

Jan, the love of my lifeThanksgiving has been my favorite holiday since I was a child.

It is not the large table of food that made me prefer this holiday.

Thanksgiving is a collective day to express our interdependence and gratitude for the blessings we have been granted.

In his proclamation almost a century and a half ago, Abraham Lincoln established a holiday amid war “to observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.”

As a widow, I am often asked what I have to be grateful for. I am now and always will be grateful to have been loved by Jan to love her.

In addition, as Rabbi Jack Riemer wrote in this prayer, after 9/11,

Let us express our gratitude using these written words or our own.
We are thankful for the freedom from hunger.
We are thankful for the freedom to worship.
We are thankful for the freedom to challenge our minds.
We are thankful for the freedom to change our minds.
We are thankful for the freedom to chart our lives.
We are thankful for the freedom to work for a better world.
We are thankful for the freedom to celebrate this day.

We pray for our country, for the men and women who are protecting our freedom today, and for the day when this nation and the entire world will know peace.

May we all be blessed today and every day with the freedom to love and be loved.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Gratitude for Grief

When I mention that I am grateful for experiencing grief, the response is, how can you be grateful for losing the love of your life?

My response is that we were the love of my life, and I wish she was still alive, but grief is a part of my life that I must experience.

If I had loved Jan less, I would grieve less.

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On the Rooftop: A Novel

On the Rooftop: A Novel

On the Rooftop: A Novel by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton, is a stunning novel about a mother whose dream of musical stardom for her three daughters collides with the daughters' ambitions for their own lives—set against the backdrop of gentrifying 1950s San Francisco. The first few pages moved glacially and then the story unfolded fully and became a page-turner that I highly recommend.

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Books, Books Aplenty

Books, Books Aplenty

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!

At the beginning of 2022, I participated in my first reading challenge since grade school. With limited experience, I was bereft like a puppy dog off its leash when selecting a goal. So, I chose a noticeable number: the last two digits of the year. With five weeks left, I have read not twenty-two books but sixty-six in the year!

Each book has been a page-turner and, in unique ways, has helped me manage my grief.

How many more will I read before the end of the year? I have no idea, but I read a book every four days.

  • You can click here to view all the books I have read.
  • You can click here to view all the fiction books I have read.
  • To view all of the non-fiction books I have read, click here.
  • You can click here to view all of the poetry books I have read.
  • Click here to view the top ten books I have read (sometimes more than ten due to ties).

I am all ears if you have books you would like to recommend.

I am ready, willing, and able if you want to chat about books.

It would be wonderful to talk to Jan about the novels I have read and hear from her about the ones she wanted me to read. We could have our book club!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting and sharing Jan’s Love blog.



2022 Goodreads Reading Challenge

I have set a goal on Goodreads to read twenty-two books this year. Will I be able to read that many books this year? Follow my progress on Goodreads or this stream post.

Do you have a Goodreads goal for this year? What are you reading?

My bookshelf has all of the books I have read since 2019.

Jan and I Were Inspired by JFK

Jan and I Were Inspired by JFK

Jan Lilien and Richard W. Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975

Jan Lilien and Richard W. Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975

Fifty-nine years is one year shy of three score years, but it has gone by faster than the speed of light.

When JFK was assassinated, Jan and I had only recently become teenagers.

Although we experienced the shock of the murder of a president in different states, the impact was similar.

The idealism of the time was seared into our shared souls.

Ninety-nine months after that dark day in America, I became a VISTA Volunteer in East Williamsburg. Jan joined VISTA nine months later.

  • Would we have met if we had not become VISTA Volunteers?
  • Would we have joined VISTA if JFK had lived?

I will never know the answer, but the memory of the day of the assassination will never be forgotten.

On that Friday morning, I was in a social studies class at Jinks Junior High School. We had taken a test the day before on Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address.

Our teacher asked our opinion before handing out the graded exams.

One student got the date, November 19, correct but wrote the year as 1963,” said the teacher. “Should I grade that as incorrect? Or ignore it?”

Every student in the class, except one, argued that it should be ignored.

I said it should be graded as incorrect. I believed my argument, made with passion and logic, was about to win the day when the PA announcement of a shooting in Dallas altered the balance of the day.

Classes ceased, and teachers, school staff, and students wandered the hallway.

Many cried, and a few celebrated!

I wept and committed myself to Tikun Olam and started on a path that would lead me to meet Jan.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



February Dreams

VISTA volunteer in Williamsburg.

My life was beginning to find meaning and purpose.

My journal entries indicated that I was confident I would regain the love I had lost by the spring.

full-time caregiver for Jan, the love of my life. Despite our best efforts, she remained very fragile. I prayed March would bring a full recovery.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Faith In My Grief Journey
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Lime for Lymphoma
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I Am a Chrysalis, Yes I Am!
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Gratitude for All of Life's Blessings
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On the Rooftop: A Novel

Read: November 2022

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On the Rooftop: A Novel

by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton

On the Rooftop: A Novel by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton, is a stunning novel about a mother whose dream of musical stardom for her three daughters collides with the daughters’ ambitions for their own lives—set against the backdrop of gentrifying 1950s San Francisco. The first few pages moved glacially and then the story unfolded fully and became a page-turner that I highly recommend.

After hearing Ms. Sexton’s interview on Get Lit with All Of It, a monthly on-air, social media, in-person, and live-stream book club hosted by Alison Stewart of WNYC’s All Of It, I picked up the book. The novel had been on my to-read list.

The novel was loosely based on Fiddler on the Roof and it worked exceedingly well. Vivian is the overbearing mother and the daughters who have their own dreams and goals. With urban renewal, AKA Urban Renewal, as the backdrop, the novel was one that I could not put down.

The small section of the song that Esther writes so she can sing for her people, was a song I wish I could hear in its entirety. That Chole choose to sing it for final audition made it even more powerful.

You put words to the music inside my heart You showed me the world could be its own art I’d never felt myself so whole before I’d never known how much I could reach for.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

At home they are just sisters, but on stage, they are The Salvations. Ruth, Esther, and Chloe have been singing and dancing in harmony since they could speak. Thanks to the rigorous direction of their mother, Vivian, they’ve become a bona fide girl group whose shows are the talk of the Jazz-era Fillmore.

Now Vivian has scored a once-in-a-lifetime offer from a talent manager, who promises to catapult The Salvations into the national spotlight. Vivian knows this is the big break she’s been praying for. But sometime between the hours of rehearsal on their rooftop and the weekly gigs at the Champagne Supper Club, the girls have become women, women with dreams that their mother cannot imagine.

The neighborhood is changing, too: all around the Fillmore, white men in suits are approaching Black property owners with offers. One sister finds herself called to fight back, one falls into the comfort of an old relationship, and another yearns to make her voice heard. And Vivian, who has always maintained control, will have to confront the parts of her life that threaten to splinter: the community, The Salvations, and even her family.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Books, Books Aplenty
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Jan and I Were Inspired by JFK
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The Anniversary

Read: July 2023

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The Anniversary

by Stephanie Bishop

I began reading Stephanie Bishop‘s novel, The Anniversary, today. The Anniversary is a brilliantly written novel with a gripping and fast-paced storyline. It poses some interesting questions: how blurred is the boundary between reality and fiction in a writer’s thoughts? How can we reject those we yearn for? And what are the consequences for ourselves, others, and our creativity if we don’t?

J.B. Blackwood, a novelist, is on a cruise with her husband, Patrick, to celebrate their wedding anniversary. Her husband is much older than her and was her former professor, film director, and cult figure. When they first met, he appeared ageless, like a god in the eyes of those who worship them. However, his success is dwindling, while J.B. is on the verge of winning a major literary prize. Previously, her husband always oversaw her art, but now it may overshadow him.

As they sail in the sun for days, with only dark water surrounding them, a storm unexpectedly strikes, and Patrick falls from the ship. J.B. is left alone, and the search for the truth about their marriage and what happened to Patrick begins.

The Anniversary is highly recommended for readers who enjoy Lisa Halliday and Susan Choi’s works. The story revolves around a talented writer who has to confront the unresolved death of her spouse and find the courage to stand on her own. It is a captivating page-turner that will keep you hooked till the end.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Monkey Grip: A Novel

Read: February 2024

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Monkey Grip: A Novel

by Helen Garner

Today, I began reading Monkey Grip: A Novel by Helen Garner. It’s a book that launched the career of one of Australia’s most celebrated writers. The story follows the infatuations of a young, single mother fascinated by the excesses of Melbourne’s late-70s counterculture. Monkey Grip is a seminal novel about Australia’s turbulent 1970s, including communal households, music, friendships, children, love, drugs, and sex.

Helen Garner is a renowned novelist, short-story writer, and journalist. She’s best known for her frank, unsparing, and intricate portrayals of Australian life, often drawn from the pages of her journals and diaries. A new US edition of her debut novel, which establishes Garner’s masterful and quietly radical literary voice, is now available.

The novel is set in Australia during the late 1970s and tells the story of Nora, a single mother and writer. Nora navigates Melbourne’s bohemian underground with her young daughter, Gracie, in tow. Nora falls in love with Javo, a flighty man trapped in his addiction. As their relationship disintegrates, Nora struggles to wean off a love that feels impossible to live without.

When Monkey Grip was first published in 1977, it caused a sensation. Critics praised Garner for her craft, but many criticized her gritty depictions of the human body, frankness about sex and drugs, the mess of motherhood, and her unabashed use of her own life as inspiration. Today, such criticism feels old-fashioned and glaringly gendered, and Monkey Grip is considered a modern masterpiece.

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Leadership: In Turbulent Times

Read: January 2019

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Leadership: In Turbulent Times

by Doris Kearns Goodwin

A Book for Our Turbulent Times

Leadership: In Turbulent Times by Doris Kearns Goodwin, one of America’s best presidential historians, offers an illuminating exploration of the early development, growth and exercise of leadership as demonstrated by Presidents Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, FDR and Johnson.

I received this book for Hanukkah from my granddaughter and son Mike and his girlfriend Elyssa. They know me very well. A book by Ms. Goodwin is always a must read. If you add in Lincoln, the two Roosevelt’s and LBJ, it is a book I cannot put down.

This NPR interview with Ms. Goodwin is worth listening to.

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When She Woke

Read: August 2022

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When She Woke

by Hillary Jordan

When She Woke, a fable about a stigmatized woman struggling to navigate an America of a not-too-distant future by Hillary Jordan, Bellwether Prize WinnerHannah Payne, the protagonist, embarks on a path of self-discovery that forces her to question the values she once held and the righteousness of a country that politicizes faith. The premise of When She Woke seems to be happening as I read the novel. It is also the one hundred books I have read since the beginning of 2019 and the forty-fifth this year.

Hannah Payne, like Hester Prynne, is attacked for her actions by extreme religious beliefs. Instead of wearing a scarlet letter, Hannah’s chroming (i.e., having her skin altered) makes her skin red from head to toe. The chroming might have been a good theme for a science fiction novel. Still, Ms. Jordan has written a captivating book in which Hannah confronts who she is and, after questioning the values she once had, discovers that Hannah is more vital than she believed she could be.

I highly recommend this novel.

As Ms. Jordan describes the book,

Hannah Payne’s life has been devoted to church and family. But after she’s convicted of murder, she awakens to a nightmare: she finds herself lying on a table in a solitary confinement cell, her skin turned bright red. Cameras are broadcasting her every move to millions at home, for whom observing newly made “Chromes”—criminals whose skin color has been genetically altered to reflect their crime—is a sinister form of entertainment. Hannah is a Red, a murderess. The victim, says the state of Texas, was her unborn child, and she’s determined to protect the identity of the father, a public figure with whom she shared a fierce and forbidden love.

A powerful reimagining of The Scarlet Letter, When She Woke is a timely fable about a stigmatized woman struggling to navigate a dystopian America. In this not-too-distant future, the line between church and state has been eradicated and convicted felons are no longer imprisoned, but “chromed” and released back into the population to survive as best they can.

As she seeks a path to safety in an alien and hostile world, Hannah unknowingly embarks on a journey of self-discovery that forces her to question the values she once held true and the righteousness of a country that politicizes faith and love.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Camp Zero

Read: April 2023

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Camp Zero: A Novel

by Michelle Min Sterling

I recently read an incredible novel called Camp Zero by Michelle Min Sterling. The book tells the story of several climate change survivors in a near-future northern settlement and explores the intersection of gender, class, and migration. The novel is a page-turner and a masterful exploration of who and what will survive in a warming world.

The story follows Rose, a young woman who agrees to spy on the architect of an American building project in exchange for housing. She arrives at the same time as Grant, a college professor who is trying to escape his wealthy family’s dark legacy. As they begin to investigate the mysterious architect, they uncover a disturbing mystery lurking beneath the surface of the camp.

One of the most fascinating aspects of the novel is the inclusion of an elite group of women soldiers living and working at a nearby Cold War-era climate research station. The rumors surrounding their presence add more intrigue to an already compelling story.

If you’re looking for a captivating novel that will keep you on the edge of your seat, I highly recommend Camp Zero. The book is a mesmerizing and transportive read, perfect for fans of Station Eleven and The Power.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Fourteen Days: A Collaborative Novel

Read: February 2024

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Fourteen Days: A Collaborative Novel

by Authors Guild

I started reading Fourteen Days: A Collaborative Novel today. It is set in a Lower East Side tenement during the early days of the COVID-19 lockdowns. Fourteen Days is a unique collaborative novel from the Authors Guild with a twist. A different, prominent literary voice has secretly written each character in this diverse cast of New York neighbors. These voices range from Margaret Atwood and Celeste Ng to Tommy Orange and John Grisham.

The novel’s story begins one week into the COVID-19 shutdown, where tenants of a Lower East Side apartment building in Manhattan have gathered on the rooftop to tell stories. As the nights pass, more and more neighbors join in, bringing chairs, milk crates, and overturned pails. Gradually, the tenants, some of whom have barely spoken to each other, become neighbors.

In this Decameron-like serial novel, general editors Margaret Atwood and Douglas Preston and a star-studded list of contributors create a beautiful ode to those trapped when the pandemic hit. Fourteen Days is a dazzling, heartwarming, and ultimately surprising narrative that reveals how some communities managed to become stronger despite the loss and suffering brought about by the pandemic.

Includes writing from: Charlie Jane Anders, Margaret Atwood, Joseph Cassara, Jennine Capó Crucet, Angie Cruz, Pat Cummings, Sylvia Day, Emma Donoghue, Dave Eggers, Diana Gabaldon, Tess Gerritsen, John Grisham, Maria Hinojosa, Mira Jacob, Erica Jong, CJ Lyons, Celeste Ng, Tommy Orange, Mary Pope Osborne, Douglas Preston, Alice Randall, Ishmael Reed, Roxana Robinson, Nelly Rosario, James Shapiro, Hampton Sides, R.L. Stine, Nafissa Thompson-Spires, Monique Truong, Scott Turow, Luis Alberto Urrea, Rachel Vail, Weike Wang, Caroline Randall Williams, De’Shawn Charles Winslow, and Meg Wolitzer!

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