Jan is Still in the ER!
Estimated reading time: 9 minutes, 17 seconds
Jan Lilien
Advocating for Jan’s Life
“I do not want to go back to the hospital,” Jan pleaded with me. It was the first of March, and we had just spoken to Dr. Strair’s team, and they recommended that she needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately. I was standing by the bed, holding back my tears.
“I do not want you to either,” I responded.
I looked into her lovely eyes as I held her hands.
“You have only been home four days. But I want you to get well and stay healthy.”
Despite Jan’s positive test for COVID, I reached over and kissed her wet lips.
“I love you and need you healthy.”
For what seemed like hours, we held each other in the hope we could squeeze out both the Lymphoma and the Covid from her body.
“OK. I am not happy to go back to the hospital, but I am not well enough to stay home.”
I nodded and started packing her day bag
The Emergency Department is Packed
“I will pull into the loading ramp like I did last time,” I said to Jan as we arrived in New Brunswick. When the car stopped, I reached over and kissed her. “I love you and always will love you.”
I helped her out of the car and held the walker until she was steady.
Unlike our prior visit to this emergency room, it was packed tonight. Jan and I were ambulance corps volunteers in Williamsburg. We have seen many emergency rooms. This was the smallest for a city hospital we had ever seen.
All the chairs were full except for one on the left. I situated her and left the bag next to her.
“Let me tell them you are here.”
No one was in line for the intake team.
I pulled out my wallet as I gave them her name.
“Lilien, what is the last name?”
“That is her last name!”
“OK.”
“She was here ten days ago.”
“We have her records. We will call her name when we are ready.”
It was like a maze to find my way back to her when I turned around.
I kissed her head.
“I love you! Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Water.”
There was a water cooler, but people surrounded it. With COVID, I did not want to ask them to move. Instead, I want back to intake.
“My wife would like water. Do you have a dispenser?”
The nurse looked over and saw the people surrounding the cooler.
“I will get a cup of water for her.”
I thanked her and took the cup to Jan.
As soon as I got to her, they called her name. I helped her get up and guided her to the triage nurse.
I gave them her name. “She was here ten days ago.”
“Yes, we have her in the system.”
They took her vitals. All of which were horrible. Her temperature was high. Her blood pressure was low.
I knew they would tell me to leave soon, but I did everything to stay as long as possible.
“We will take her from here,” said the nurse.
I reached over to kiss her. Our voices combined into a symphony. “I love you; I love you!”
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
