Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Is Facilitating My New Career?

Is Facilitating My New Career?

Is It Enough to Be a Helper?

Mitzvah Day in Hanson Park

Mitzvah Day 2022 in Hanson Park

When I am out to dinner with friends, I often wait patiently for someone to tell me my bill share.

Usually, they provide an amount, including a tip, but sometimes, they do not.

“Don’t worry, we can cover the meal,” is the response when I am not asked to pay.

Objecting is often too late, but I still question the decision.

“You facilitated our being together, and that is enough,” is the response.

Have I become someone whose value is making something more manageable or helping it along?

Is my skill set limited to moderating a discussion?

If that is what I am today, it may be because that is what I have done all of my work and personal life and what Jan’s transformative love helped me become a better person.

The best option might be to accept me as I am and not as I might fantasize about my role in life.

As I returned home with aching and tired feet, I halted my walk to chat with a neighbor.

Without thinking, I found myself quickly connecting them to other resources.

I laughed as I explained that many people think I am only good at being a facilitator.

Whatever you call it, you do it very well,” they said.

Thanks, I said as I turned toward home.

“Of course, it does begin with the “F” word…”


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Helping Others Helps Me!

No one reads my words, and few, if any, comment on my bookshelf.

But I find myself asked to facilitate more groups and thanked for only doing what any of us would do to help each other manage our grief.

Yet, I hear more people say they listen to my words because I speak with clarity and transparency. Is there any other way that any of us should talk?

Despite Grief, I Can Shape My Future

Despite Grief, I Can Shape My Future

Without Jan, My Agency Helps Me Live Fully

Jan in Washington January 2017

Jan in Washington January 2017

I woke up this morning feeling lethargic.

Despite my lack of energy and wet snow falling from the sky, I knew if I did not walk, I would not only lose my streak but feel worse later in the day.

I was meandering from one room to another in Apt. 3B, I decided to do my primary walk inside for the first time in over a year.

Walking in the hallways is not the same as walking in nature. But I did, and I finished four miles and burned over 400 calories.

Today’s perambulation reminded me of the definition of agency, which is to control our actions and their consequences on our lives.

My exercise was less than optimal, but I must live with my decision.

When Jan was alive, we shared decision-making.

In the early days of my grief journey, I found it effortless to avoid choices as I convinced myself the outcomes might be more than I could manage.

Accepting that there were many things I could not change, I accepted Victor Frankl the essential truth that Victor Frankl wrote about in Man’s Search for Meaning,

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

What should I make for dinner? How can I fill my time? Among others, the time I spent debating what to do seemed silly in retrospect. However, at the time, every decision or non-decision would be an earthquake that would destroy my life.

Once I decided to focus on Jan’s Memorial Garden, walk daily, read more, and write about and share our love, I grew around my grief.

In time, I accepted that grief had been an outstanding teacher, and I have learned to live life fully.

By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Choosing to Participate Fully in Life!

Afraid grief would destroy me; I chose to grow and actively participate in my life.

I celebrated Jan's life and helped build a memorial garden in Hanson Park.

Each of those baby steps helped me thru the darkest days of my grief.

But accepting that grief has been an outstanding teacher in my life, I have learned to live life fully.

By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.

Florastruck in Philly!

Florastruck in Philly!

“Wow,” my friend Deborah said as we entered the 2023 Philadelphia Flower Show. “The flowers, the smell, the sounds…”

“I thought last year was spectacular, but this is stupendous,” Ron responded.

Beverly and I were busy talking when Deborah pointed out the definition on the opening exhibit’s wall.

FLORASTRUCK [flohr-uh struhk] /adj./ stunned and amazed by floral beauty.

The description provided this overview, “At the core of all human interaction with flowers is that extraordinary moment when one is overcome with joy or awe in seeing or receiving unexpected beauty. This remarkable burst of wonder and delight is what we hope you will experience as you walk through this lush, immersive flora moment.

The four of us were indeed florastruck not only for the day at the Philadelphia Flower Show but also for the two days we were in the city and even now that we are home.

Sharing the Flower Show with friends helped make this the best since Jan died.

My first trip to the Flower Show without Jan was a washout, and my days were an internal monologue with no exit.

Last year with Ron and Deborah was enjoyable, and I could speak about grief but only in the third person.

This year, the conversations, dinners, and florastruck moments were relaxed, and I could speak frankly about Jan and even laugh with my friends.

I missed Jan but knew her spirit was with me, and she would have been as florastruck as the four of us. One day at a time, my grief recedes in my rearview mirror.

I purchased flowers for Jan on the day we met; she was, is, and will always be the love of my life!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Opening Our Eyes and Taking Action

"I think Einstein said something about this, but I cannot remember the quote precisely."

I nodded in response and spoke, "It was something about how they look and do nothing."

We stopped briefly, searched the internet, and instantly found the quote.

The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein.

I mentioned that on King's birthday, Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, Pastor of the Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, discussed the same topic.

His key point is, "blurred vision keeps us from not on loving our neighbors but also our enemies. The time to confront the impediments that impede progress in our communities, state, and nation is now!"

Opening Our Eyes and Taking Action

Opening Our Eyes and Taking Action

“We all need to share more to help our neighbors,” my friend said as we walked thru the Flower Show.

Before responding, we stopped to take photos of one of the exhibits.

“Yes, we do,” I responded. “But too many people do not see the need for sharing with others.

We continued to stroll thru the Flower Show.

I think Einstein said something about this, but I cannot remember the quote precisely.

I nodded in response and spoke, “It was something about how they look and do nothing.”

We stopped briefly, searched the internet, and instantly found the quote.

The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. – Albert Einstein.

I mentioned that on King’s birthday, Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, Pastor of the Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, discussed the same topic.

His key point is, “Blurred vision keeps us from not only loving our neighbors but also our enemies. The time to confront the impediments that impede progress in our communities, states, and nations is now!

We continued discussing sharing and working to improve the world as we looked at beautiful flower arrangements.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Our Collective Astigmatism

Last night, I attended the Cranford Community Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday Commemoration.

The annual event, held this year at Cranford's First Baptist Church, is one that Jan and I would attend together. Being back in person was, I thought, what would make the event inspiring.

Most years, the keynote speaker does an adequate job, but last night Rev. Dr. Randall M. Lassiter, the Pastor of Calvary Baptist Church in Paterson, set a new standard. Rev. Lassiter is also President of the NJ Convention of Progressive Baptists.

Like other great speakers, Rev. Lassiter's speech rose to a crescendo that challenged the audience to confront their astigmatism so they could see our crisis.

Flower Show With Friends

Flower Show Memories 2022

Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

“When is the Flower Show this year?”

I said the first week of March, as it is indoors again.

Before I could ask if she and her husband wanted to join me, she responded, “Let’s go again!”

Jan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show.

During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go.

I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated last year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.

We will leave within the hour, and I cannot wait to be there with my good friends.

Jan was with me on every step I took during last year’s Flower Show. I know she will be with me this year.

The love we shared will never die; it will only grow stronger daily!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Flower Show 2022 With Friends

Jan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show. During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go. I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated this year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.

Smiling, Wes is Eight Months Old!

Smiling, Wes is Eight Months Old!

When Wes Smiles, I See Jan!

Jan Lilien

Jan in Nova Scotia

Last Friday was a difficult mathematical moment for me.

Being Wes’s eighth birthday, I was ecstatic, but I had to do the math to remember how long it had been since Jan, the love of my life, died.

If Wes is eight months old and was born fourteen months after Jan died, then the answer to how long I have lived without Jan is twenty-two months.

When Jan died, my life felt like there was no way I could get to the following day. One step at a time, I was able to continue to live.

The most important lesson I learned is not to focus on what I lost but on how much I gained because of Jan’s transformative love.

I know that my grief journey is now in my rearview mirror, and I focus on celebrating Jan’s life and sharing her love.

Enjoy this short video of Wes; when he smiles, I remember Jan!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wes and Jan Have the Same Smile!

The first time Jan smiled at me, my heart melted like ice cubes on a hot, humid summer day.

Jan poured wine on my head while still smiling at me.

Despite a wine-soaked forehead, I knew I would love her forever.

Our second grandson Wes Jude Nucero was born fourteen months after Jan died.

O Beautiful A Novel

O Beautiful: A Novel

O Beautiful: A Novel by Jung Yun, the critically acclaimed author of Shelter, has written an unflinching portrayal of a woman trying to come to terms with the ghosts of her past and the tortured realities of a deeply divided America. With spare and graceful prose, O Beautiful presents an immersive portrait of a community rife with tensions and competing interests and one woman's attempts to reconcile her anger with her love of beautiful but troubled land. I highly recommend O Beautiful!

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Is Facilitating My New Career?
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Despite Grief, I Can Shape My Future
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Florastruck in Philly!
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Opening Our Eyes and Taking Action
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Flower Show With Friends
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Smiling, Wes is Eight Months Old!
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O Beautiful A Novel

Read: March 2023

Get this book

O Beautiful: A Novel

by Jung Yun

O Beautiful: A Novel by Jung Yun, the critically acclaimed author of Shelter, has written an unflinching portrayal of a woman trying to come to terms with the ghosts of her past and the tortured realities of a deeply divided America. With spare and graceful prose, O Beautiful presents an immersive portrait of a community rife with tensions, competing interests, and one woman’s attempts to reconcile her anger with her love of beautiful but troubled land. I highly recommend O Beautiful!

I finished reading O Beautiful on International Women’s Day. It might have been coincidental, but in my humble opinion, it was the perfect book to read on this important day. Ms. Yun has written a novel that touches on the intersectionality of the core issues of our divided land. The misogyny, the racism, and the impact of capitalism out of control are all related and are affecting the quality of life in the early twenty-first century.

Elinor Hanson, the protagonist, is so vividly written that she jumps off the page and becomes someone we know as a family member. When she returned home to write about the Bakken oil boom in North Dakota, I felt I had known her all my life. Unfortunately, the novel ended when she finally understood the issues and was in touch with her anger. I wish it would have continued so that the problems might have been addressed. Despite this, I highly recommend this novel.

O Beautiful is the twenty-first book I have read this year! My goal was twenty-three.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Elinor Hanson, a forty-something former model, struggles to reinvent herself as a freelance writer when she receives an unexpected assignment. Her mentor from grad school offers her a chance to write for a prestigious magazine about the Bakken oil boom in North Dakota.

Elinor grew up near the Bakken, raised by an overbearing father and a distant Korean mother who met and married when he was stationed overseas. After decades from home, Elinor returns to a landscape she hardly recognizes, overrun by tens of thousands of newcomers.

Surrounded by roughnecks seeking their fortunes in oil and long-time residents worried about their changing community, Elinor experiences a profound sense of alienation and grief. She rages at the unrelenting male gaze, the locals who still see her as a foreigner, and the memories of her family’s estrangement after her mother decided to escape her unhappy marriage, leaving Elinor and her sister behind.

The longer she pursues this potentially career-altering assignment, the more her past intertwines with the story she’s trying to tell, revealing disturbing new realities that will forever change her and how she looks at the world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Luky Us

Read: March 2022

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Lucky Us: A Novel

by Amy Bloom

Having surpassed my Goodreads 2022 reading goal, I wanted a lite, historical fiction book and found this one in the e-library. Lucky Us by Amy Bloom is a book that hooked me on the opening line – “My father’s wife died. My mother said we should drive down to his place and see what might be in it for us.” I enjoyed reading it and highly recommend it.

The first section in Hollywood was the one I found less appealing. Partly that is because I identified with Eva, and she does not fulfill her leading role until the last two sections. Its depiction of how people survived the way years by sometimes is a reminder of our inner resilience.

Goodreads provides the following summary.

So begins this remarkable novel by Amy Bloom, whose critically acclaimed Away was called “a literary triumph” (The New York Times). Lucky Us is a brilliantly written, deeply moving, fantastically funny novel of love, heartbreak, and luck.

Disappointed by their families, Iris, the hopeful star and Eva the sidekick, journey through 1940s America in search of fame and fortune. Iris’s ambitions take the pair across the America of Reinvention in a stolen station wagon, from small-town Ohio to an unexpected and sensuous Hollywood, and to the jazz clubs and golden mansions of Long Island.

With their friends in high and low places, Iris and Eva stumble and shine through a landscape of big dreams, scandals, betrayals, and war. Filled with gorgeous writing, memorable characters, and surprising events, Lucky Us is a thrilling and resonant novel about success and failure, good luck and bad, the creation of a family, and the pleasures and inevitable perils of family life, conventional and otherwise. From Brooklyn’s beauty parlors to London’s West End, a group of unforgettable people love, lie, cheat, and survive in this story of our fragile, absurd, heroic species.

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Vulture: A Novel

Read: September 2025

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Vulture: A Novel

by Phoebe Greenwood

Phoebe Greenwood‘s debut novel, Vulture, immerses readers in the dark heart of Western media and boldly questions its role in the tragedies it reports. This darkly humorous and emotionally charged satire exposes the inner workings of the war news industry. Set in the Middle East, Vulture is a fast-paced critique of war reporting, blending elements of satire with a tragicomic coming-of-age story.

In November 2012, Sara Byrne, an ambitious young journalist, is sent to Gaza to cover the war from The Beach. At the four-star hotel, the staff work tirelessly to provide safety, comfort, and generator-powered internet for the world’s media, all while their own homes and families are under threat.

Sara is determined to use this war to jumpstart her stalled career and win back her lover. When her fixer, Nasser, refuses to help her set up the dangerous story she believes will make her name, she turns to Fadi, the youngest member of a powerful militant family. Driven by the demons of a troubled and entitled childhood, Sara is willing to do anything to prove herself, even if it brings disaster to those around her.


Phoebe Greenwood is a writer and journalist based in London. From 2010 to 2013, she worked as a freelance correspondent in Jerusalem, covering the Middle East for publications such as The Guardian, The Daily Telegraph, and The Sunday Times. From 2013 to 2021, she served as an editor and correspondent at The Guardian, specializing in foreign affairs.



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At the Villa Rose

Read: August 2022

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At the Villa Rose

by Major Alfred Edward Woodley Mason

At the Villa Rose by Major Alfred Edward Woodley Mason, initially published in 1910, is a mystery novel in which Major Mason introduced his French detective, Inspector Hanaud, who was an early template for Agatha Christie’s famous Hercule Poirot. Missing jewels, high adventure some one hundred and fifty kilometers from Geneva, a casino, and blind love are all factors in a complex case for Hanaud, which ultimately involves a gang of frightened murderers. If you enjoy deductive mysteries like me, I highly recommend At the Villa Rose.

The Goodreads summary,

In Aix les Bains during the early 20th century, Celia Harland, a beautiful (of course) young English girl down on her luck, is befriended by a wealthy widow, Madame Dauvray, an addict of “spiritualism,” and stages seances for her benefactrix, while knowing full well that the supposed manifestations from the spirit world are entirely bogus. This set-up supplies the opportunity for a criminal gang master-minded by Madame Dauvray’s maid, with their eyes on the widow’s jewelry collection, to engineer an introduction for one of their numbers, Adele Tacé (“Rossignol”), whose taunts of disbelief goad the old lady into allowing a seance to be held which, unsuspected by either Celia or her patron, will be the cover for murder and robbery.

The crux of the plot is that as a medium, Celia will be made their innocent victim, on whom suspicion is to be planted.


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Normal Rules Don't Apply: Stories

Read: September 2023

Normal Rules Don’t Apply: Stories

by Kate Atkinson

Today, I commended reading Normal Rules Don’t Apply: Stories by Kate Atkinson, is a dazzling collection of eleven interconnected stories from the bestselling, award-winning author of Shrines of Gaiety and Life After Life, with everything that readers love about her novels—the inventiveness, the verbal felicity, the sharp observations on human nature, and the deeply satisfying emotional wallop.

Nothing is quite as it seems in this collection of eleven dazzling stories. We meet a queen who makes a bargain she cannot keep, a secretary who watches over the life she has just left, and a man who bets on a horse that may—or may not—have spoken to him. Everything that readers love about the novels of Kate Atkinson is here—the inventiveness, the verbal felicity, the sharp observations on human nature, and the deeply satisfying emotional wallop.

A startling and funny feast for the imagination, these stories conjure a multiverse of subtly connected worlds while illuminating the webs of chance and connection among us all.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The Searcher: A Novel

Read: March 2024

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The Searcher: A Novel

by Tana French

Today, I started reading Tana French‘s The Searcher: A Novel. Last week, I read The Hunter by the same author. I should have read The Searcher first, as it is the prequel to The Hunter, but reading in reverse order helped my enjoyment. Despite knowing some of the suspenseful twists and turns the story would take, I found it a page-turner.

The story follows Cal Hooper, a retired Chicago police officer who seeks a fresh start in a tranquil Irish village. However, when a local boy approaches him to investigate his missing brother, Cal discovers that the town has its share of dark secrets. The book raises thought-provoking questions about distinguishing right from wrong in a complicated world and what we risk when making that decision.

Tana French is a highly acclaimed crime novelist who skillfully creates a captivating and suspenseful atmosphere throughout the book.

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Conjure Women

Read: November 2021

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Conjure Women: A Novel

by Afia Atakora

Conjure Women by Afia Atakora is about a mother and her daughter with a shared talent for healing—and for the conjuring of curses — at the heart of this dazzling first novel. Conjure Women takes place before, during, and after the Civil War. The book is structured around three-time frames; Slaverytime, Freddomtime, and Wartime.

Having grown up in the South and heard far too many stories about the Lost Cause, it was a joy to read a book narrated by two African-American women. The third leading character is the daughter o the owner of the plantation. At the end of the war, she was hidden away for six years and was unaware the South had surrendered.

Conjure Women is a sweeping story that brings the world of the South before and after the Civil War vividly to life. Spanning eras and generations, it tells of the lives of three unforgettable women: Miss May Belle, a wise healing woman; her precocious and observant daughter Rue, who is reluctant to follow in her mother’s footsteps as a midwife; and their master’s daughter Varina. The secrets and bonds among these women and their community come to a head at the beginning of a war and at the birth of an accursed child, who sets the townspeople alight with fear and a spreading superstition that threatens their newly won, tenuous freedom.

Magnificently written, brilliantly researched, and richly imagined, Conjure Women moves back and forth in time to tell the haunting story of Rue, Varina, and May Belle, their passions and friendships, and the lengths they will go to save themselves and those they love.

Since Jan died, I have read many books that I know she enjoyed. We both enjoyed Call the Midwife, and this book focused on birthing and mothering. Although conjuring was their medical care and not the type practiced in poplar by the Midwives, we would both have enjoyed the book.

Conjure Women also raises questions about the meaning of freedom. For example, Rue chooses not to leave the former plantation after the Klan attacks despite being free.

I recommend this book and look forward to reading more from Afia Atakora.

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