Bravely Facing the Unknowable Future

Bravely Facing the Unknowable Future

My Wfe's Love Makes It Possible for Me to Live Fully

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes, 0 seconds
Bravely Facing the Unknowable Future

Nicky and Wes

Although the distance from my car to my wife’s grave is short, the heat and humidity drain my energy, making me sweat like sitting in a sauna. While in her memorial garden, I feel her presence, as her love is free and tranquilizes the air. However, it is only at Beth Israel Cemetery that we can communicate.

Forty-eight years ago, we exchanged handwritten vows on the rabbi’s terrace overlooking Central Park. Today, there are no vows to make, but updates on how I am doing 27 months after the funeral.

I placed eight small stones on her monument and laid flowers at her gravesite. Glancing around to ensure we were alone, I chuckled. Wasn’t a cemetery where people went to speak to the departed? My love,” I began, as always. But the words stuck in my throat, so I sipped water from my flask to get the words flowing.

I remind my wife that I struggled to function normally after her funeral. Last year, things improved when your memorial garden was dedicated, and I made new friends. Although I appeared fine on my daily walks, each step felt shaky, like standing on eggshells.

I sip cold water before speaking, “Today, I tell you I have turned a corner. I was optimistic, but now I have found a way to live fully. I have more friends, walk further, read more, help others, and laugh more than I weep. I am doing OK!”

I pace in a circle, attempting to gather my thoughts like pollen floating in the air. My dear, although love is a timeless emotion, I have realized that dwelling on the past will not help me move forward and lead a satisfying life. I have replaced the images from your photograph with those of our two grandchildren on my devices. Yes, Wes is our new grandchild. His smile is as magnetic as yours!” I pause and take a deep breath. It was difficult to change the images. I kept feeling like I was discarding you. Change has never been easy for me, and I wept each time I swapped the photos. But please understand, my dear, this shift signifies I am facing forward. I can only do this because of your love. Without it, I could not step into the unknowable future.”

After bidding farewell to my loved one, I wiped my face with my handkerchief, soaked in tears and sweat. As I approached my car, I finally turned around to express my love. When I sat in the driver’s seat, I noticed that my iPhone and Apple Watch displayed my wife’s photo instead of my grandchildren’s. Although I had changed the images before, I only briefly dwelled on the change.

However, I realized I was prepared, enthusiastic, and capable of facing any obstacle. As the engine roared, I ventured out of the cemetery into a future that intimidated and exhilarated me. Upon arriving home, I noticed that my iPhone and Apple Watch now displayed my grandchildren’s photos. It felt like a sign from my wife’s spirit, sending me a message to embrace the future.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Love Guides Me Into the Future

The ink-dark portions of the pond were impenetrable and reflected nothing of my world. I feared that if I stepped into that portion, I would disappear. However, the transparent part of the pond reminded me that the water was so shallow it would only reach my mid-calf. Despite being wet, I could walk forward unimpeded and knew I could not drown.

The sound of the frogs wakes me from my rest. The sun's warmth invites me to venture forth, and I stroll past the pond to the path around the sports field. As a widow, the darkest fears of my life recede as I proceed toward the park's comfort facilities. I will always confidently move forward, trusting in love to guide me. I aim to share my passion, embrace life's challenges and joys, and live fully.

2 comments add your comment

  1. Hello Richard:

    What a nice feeling! I am so glad you have turned the corner. Jan is always looking at you, and the only thing she might want is to see you happy!! I am pleased you have found more friends, doing more things, and enjoying your family!! Love is all around you…Just seeing you makes me happy!!

    • Dear Hugo,

      Despite my wife’s passing, we all must continue living and loving. In “Our Last Conversation,” Jan asked me to promise one thing – that I would remarry if she were to pass away. While unsure if I will ever do so, I have come to accept that love never truly dies, and it is possible to find love again after loss.

      Lauren Groff wrote in “The Vaster Wilds: A Novel” that “To be alone and surviving is not the same as being alive.” This quote resonates with me, and I have chosen to live my life to the fullest and honor Jan’s memory by continuing to share and experience love every day.

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Bravely Facing the Unknowable Future
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Brooklyn Crime Novel: A Novel

Read: October 2023

Brooklyn Crime Novel: A Novel

by Jonathan Lethem

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Jonathan Lethem has written this story with kaleidoscopic verve and delirious wit, making it a breathtaking tour de force by a writer at the top of his powers. He has crafted an epic interrogation of how we fashion stories to contain the uncontainable: our remorse at the world we’ve made. He is known as “one of America’s greatest storytellers” by the Washington Post.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Bug Hollow

Read: June 2025

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Bug Hollow: A Novel

by Michelle Huneven

Bug Hollow” by Michelle Huneven is a decades-spanning family saga that follows the messy yet loving Samuelson clan as they navigate life after the loss of their son, Ellis. When Sally Samuelson was eight years old, her golden boy brother, Ellis, went missing the summer after he graduated from high school. He eventually reappeared at the picturesque Bug Hollow, a final remnant of the beautiful Northern California counterculture of the seventies.

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Michelle Huneven is the author of Round RockJameslandBlameOff Course, and Search. Her books have been New York Times Notable Books and finalists for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize and the National Book Critics Circle Award. She is the recipient of a Whiting Award for Fiction, a Guggenheim Fellowship, a James Beard Award, and a Literature Award from the American Academy of Arts and Letters. She received her Master of Fine Arts degree from the Iowa Writers’ Workshop and teaches creative writing at the University of California, Los Angeles.



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The Hidden Habits of Genius

Read: September 2019

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The Hidden Habits of Genius

by Craig Wright

The Hidden Habits of Genius: Beyond Talent, IQ, and Grit―Unlocking the Secrets of Greatness by Craig Wright, Ph.D., I got through my membership in One Day University.

Dr. Wright raises many important questions as he analyses fourteen (14) critical traits of genius. Professor Craig Wright, creator of Yale University’s famous “Genius Course,” explores what we can learn from brilliant minds that have changed the world.

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Can You Feel This?

Read: January 2023

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Can You Feel This?

by Julie Orringer

Today I read Can You Feel This? by Julie Orringer. This short story rekindled so many memories. In the chaos of a maternity ward, memories of tragedy and grief come flooding back for an anxious mother-to-be as she struggles to balance her child’s needs with her healing. Although Jan and I did not have the shadows of tragedy and grief when our sons were born, this short story was more than a page-turner. Can You Feel This? reminded me of the power of the love Jan and I shared.

When our second son was born, we almost had him at home or in the as we waited too long. In Can, You Feel This? , that was not the case. Both children had two loving parents but also grandparents.

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The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Rushed into an emergency cesarean section, a woman finds herself in the same hospital where her suicidal mother died. She’s buried the trauma of her mother’s last hours—and also the dread that she might be just as vulnerable to breaking. As the new mother relives one crisis in the midst of another, prize-winning author Julie Orringer turns the joyous event of birth into a harrowing, poignant short story.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The Secrets we Left Behind

Read: March 2022

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The Secrets We Left Behind

The Secrets We Left Behind by Soraya M. Lane is a historical fiction that raises the question, where were the women after Dunkirk and the fall of France? When World War II appeared to have been lost with a Nazi victory. Ms. Lane watched the movie Dunkirk and then researched that time and the women’s possible roles during that difficult moment in history.

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The Goodreads synopsis provides an overview of the novel.

How far will they go for family, friendship, and love? Occupied France, 1940. When the staff at a field hospital draw straws to find out who will join the evacuation from Dunkirk, Nurse Cate is left behind. But when the Nazis arrive to claim prisoners of war, she takes her chance and flees into the night, taking one patient with her.

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The Testaments: The Sequel to The Handmaid's Tale

Read: September 2021

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The Testaments

by Margaret Atwood

The Testaments: The Sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood is a sequel worth reading.

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Read the book! It is a moving and engaging sequel! The testimonies in the book combine these three women’s stories to undermine Gilead.

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