My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
Old Babes in the Wood: Stories by Margaret Atwood is a collection of remarkable tales, which delight, illuminate and are quietly devastating. I especially found the stories about Nell and Tig compelling and engaging. Widow describes a letter Nell almost wrote to a friend after Tig is gone. Nell sounded like me when she said, "the warping or folding of time. In some parts of this refolded time, Tig still exists, as much as he ever did."
Cranford's Spring Arrived Twenty-two Days Early
As I observed on February 19, 2023, the weeping willow by the Rhaway River had a hint of leaves eight days earlier than last year.
According to the Washington Post, the first leaves appeared on February 28, whereas the thirty-year average would have had them appear on March 22.
Ignorant of the human calendar, nature instead responds to the gradual accumulation of heat at the beginning of each year. If the daily average temperature is above freezing, that sends a signal to plants and animals that life is again preparing to grow. Each year, the USA National Phenology Network — phenology is the study of seasonal change — keeps track of when leaves sprout as heat accumulates across the country. (Washington Post)
Although the change may not be related to climate change, it has undoubtedly been exacerbated by global warming.
In addition, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, better known as NOAA, issued its seasonal outlook Thursday morning. They predict a warmer-than-usual spring for the New Jersey region and most of the eastern and southern United States.
All I know for sure is that with the early spring and warmer weather, I am excited to participate in Power for Purpose, The Reform Movement’s 2023 Campaign for Climate Justice.
Jan often reminded me that our individual and collective future is in our hands. The time to act is now!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
"I am happy to see the trees budding, but it is the middle of February," Jan greeted me as she entered our home.
"It has been a very warm winter," I responded as I reached out to hug and kiss her.
"But we are likely to get snow or an ice storm."
"Yes, but lets start planning your garden for this summer."
If We Live Fully, Life is Beautiful!
The icy March wind made my nose feel like it would freeze and fall off before I could return home.
Despite the chill, I took a break by Jan’s soul sister’s bench to gaze upon the river.
The Rahway River flowed steadily on its journey to the sea. On some days, it has an icy coating; on others, the banks are full of neighbors fishing.
I turn to face Jan’s bench and remember the adage about living and rivers as best I can.
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of your life.
If only I could step into the river and return to a time when Jan and I walked this path in Hanson Park.
We cannot recapture the past in life or the river’s flowing waters, as time only goes forward.
But we can achieve a life worth living.
As much as the past was full of happy days, we also had sad moments.
We can and must shape the future to experience both joy and the shedding of tears.
Yesterday, after five years away, I signed up for my return trip to The Hill. It may not rival three hundred people at a Congressional Reception, but it will be a day of action.
As much as I wish Jan was still with me, I choose to live fully and embrace whatever the future brings. Like life, Jan and I shared a beautiful love!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Although I focused on what I had lost in the initial hours and days after Jan died, the only way forward was to focus on what I gained, not what I lost.
My addition calculation begins with Merrit Malloy's poem Epitaph, which was read at Jan's funeral and will be a part of mine.
Love doesn't die, People do. So, when all that's left of me Is love, Give me away.
Living Fully in a World Without Jan!
“We bought this t-shirt for you,” said Jon and Mike gleefully.
After unwrapping and unfurling the package, I read the message as my two boys and lovely wife laughed.
CONCRETE DAD: Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set in his ways!
Looks like you found the perfect gift for my birthday!”
I wore the shirt so often that after thirty years of wear and tear, I could not wear it anymore.
“Are you sure you want to discard the t-shirt, dear? I thought it was your favorite,” Jan laughed as she held the t-shirt full of holes before me.
“I can leave that one behind…”
As cute as the t-shirt was, I have rarely felt as if I was set in my ways.
When Jan, the love of my life, died, I did not know the future, but I was confident I was flexible enough to adapt.
Slowly, one day at a time, I accepted that grief was an outstanding teacher.
Once I did, I learned to live life fully.
The best days of my life are behind and ahead of me.
Last night I signed up to attend the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism’s Day of Action.
The last time I lobbied on The Hill was in July of 2018. I was sure that I would never do that again.
Five years later, I am signed up and ready to participate in the Power for Purpose, The Reform Movement’s 2023 Campaign for Climate Justice.
Jan will be with me in spirit as I walk the halls of Congress, and the evening I return will be her 2nd Yahrzeit.
By not being stuck in my ways but choosing to live fully, I know I am doing what Jan wanted me to do.
Our love and our commitment to repairing the world will endure forever!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
Choosing to Participate Fully in Life!
Afraid grief would destroy me; I chose to grow and actively participate in my life.
I celebrated Jan's life and helped build a memorial garden in Hanson Park.
Each of those baby steps helped me thru the darkest days of my grief.
But accepting that grief has been an outstanding teacher in my life, I have learned to live life fully.
By living fully, I know I am not only doing what Jan wanted me to do, but if we were to meet now, she would see someone she could love, not someone so drained by a loss that they are an empty shell.
Our Lives Depend On Each Other
Looking up from my iPad, I repeated my offer, “Can I help you?”
The two previous times, the young woman had walked past me as she tried to read the signs. Her cold response had been so negative I would not have been faulted for not offering my assistance.
“OK, I am looking for this address? Can you help me find it?”
I responded affirmatively and taking the small paper with the address, I quickly explained how to find the location.
“I am going in the same direction. I can help carry one of the boxes for you?”
She seemed reluctant but also pleased with the offer of help.
“We must help each other because we are interdependent,’ was my best response, even if it did not convince her to accept my assistance.
I thought about this recent conversation and hundreds of others when I read Alissa Quart‘s essay “Can We Put an End to America’s Most Dangerous Myth?” in the NY Times.
Her guest essay strongly supports “the art of dependence.”
“The art of dependence” means accepting aid with grace and, crucially, recognizing the importance of others. It takes dignity and skill to lean on friends, loved ones, and colleagues — and even on the state.
I fully agree with Ms. Quart, the author of Bootstrapped: Liberating Ourselves from the American Dream, although I would define it as the art of interdependence.
Although I have lived alone since Jan died, I am not alone. I live in an interdependent world.
I could not lift myself during my grief journey by my bootstraps. The only way to survive was to learn to accept help from others and offer support to them.
Family, friends, neighbors, and a chosen family of widows helped me grow around my grief.
We are either here for each other or alone and living in fear.
I choose to live entirely interdependent in the world!
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
My Chosen Family Helps Me Manage Grief
Birnam Wood: A Novel by Eleanor Catton is a gripping psychological thriller from the Booker Prize-winning author of The Luminaries. Birnam Wood is Shakespearean in its wit, drama, and immersion in character. A brilliantly constructed consideration of intentions, actions, and consequences is an unflinching examination of the human impulse to ensure our survival. I highly recommend this novel.
Is It Enough to Be a Helper?
When I am out to dinner with friends, I often wait patiently for someone to tell me my bill share.
Usually, they provide an amount, including a tip, but sometimes, they do not.
“Don’t worry, we can cover the meal,” is the response when I am not asked to pay.
Objecting is often too late, but I still question the decision.
“You facilitated our being together, and that is enough,” is the response.
Have I become someone whose value is making something more manageable or helping it along?
Is my skill set limited to moderating a discussion?
If that is what I am today, it may be because that is what I have done all of my work and personal life and what Jan’s transformative love helped me become a better person.
The best option might be to accept me as I am and not as I might fantasize about my role in life.
As I returned home with aching and tired feet, I halted my walk to chat with a neighbor.
Without thinking, I found myself quickly connecting them to other resources.
I laughed as I explained that many people think I am only good at being a facilitator.
Whatever you call it, you do it very well,” they said.
Thanks, I said as I turned toward home.
“Of course, it does begin with the “F” word…”
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
No one reads my words, and few, if any, comment on my bookshelf.
But I find myself asked to facilitate more groups and thanked for only doing what any of us would do to help each other manage our grief.
Yet, I hear more people say they listen to my words because I speak with clarity and transparency. Is there any other way that any of us should talk?
by Margaret Atwood
Old Babes in the Wood: Stories by Margaret Atwood is a collection of remarkable tales, which delight, illuminate, and are quietly devastating. I especially found the stories about Nell and Tig compelling and engaging. Widow describes a letter Nell almost wrote to a friend after Tig is gone. Nell sounded like me when she said, “the warping or folding of time. In some parts of this refolded time, Tig still exists, as much as he ever did.”
The letter Nell is writing to a friend she will never be sent because it speaks to the harsh reality that grief imposes upon us.
Margaret Atwood writes as Nell,
Have I gone into the dark tunnel, dressed in mourning black with gloves and a veil, and come out the other end, all cheery and wearing bright colors and loaded for bear?
No. Because it’s not a tunnel. There isn’t any other end. Time has ceased to be linear, with life events and memories in a chronological row, like beads on a string. It’s the strangest feeling, or experience, or rearrangement. I’m not sure I can explain it to you.
As much as it might have appeared that I was in a dark tunnel after Jan died, I was not and am not now. There is indeed no defined end to the grief journey.
We all must learn how to live without our loved ones. The pathway I have chosen may not work for anyone else.
The earlier Nell and Tig stories are memories about their lives, reminding me of how I wrote about how Jan and I met and eventually married.
I have always enjoyed reading Atwood‘s writing, including The Handmaid’s Tale and The Testaments. I highly recommend Old Babes in the Wood: Stories by Margaret Atwood!
Old Babes in the Wood was my twenty-third book of the year and fulfilled my Goodreads 2023 Reading Challenge, but it will not end my reading this year.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
Margaret Atwood has established herself as one of the world’s most visionary and canonical authors. This collection of fifteen extraordinary stories–some of which have appeared in The New Yorker and The New York Times Magazine–explores the full warp and weft of experience, speaking to our unique times with Atwood’s characteristic insight, wit, and intellect.
The two brave sisters of the title story grapple with loss and memory on a perfect summer evening; “Impatient Griselda” explores alienation and miscommunication with a fresh twist on a folkloric classic; and “My Evil Mother” touches on the unbelievable, examining a mother-daughter relationship in which the mother purports to be a witch. At the heart of the collection are seven extraordinary stories that follow a married couple across the decades, the moments big and small that make up a long life of uncommon love–and what comes after.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
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by Eleanor Catton
Birnam Wood: A Novel by Eleanor Catton is a gripping psychological thriller from the Booker Prize-winning author of The Luminaries. Birnam Wood is Shakespearean in its wit, drama, and immersion in character. A brilliantly constructed consideration of intentions, actions, and consequences is an unflinching examination of the human impulse to ensure our survival. I highly recommend this novel.
The review in The New Yorker and a personal recommendation made this novel my next read.
At first, the conflict between the guerrilla gardening group and a wealthy American billionaire seemed like a story that had been told too many times. However, Ms. Catton has created a page-turner that is a must-read during our current climate emergency and the growing income gap. Although the end is foretold, it may surprise the reader while confirming the conviction that we must find an alternate way forward.
The Goodreads summary provides an overview,
Five years ago, Mira Bunting founded a guerrilla gardening group: Birnam Wood. An undeclared, unregulated, sometimes-criminal, sometimes-philanthropic gathering of friends, this activist collective plants crops wherever no one will notice: on the sides of roads, in forgotten parks, and in neglected backyards. For years, the group has struggled to break even. Then Mira stumbles on an answer, a way to finally set the group up for the long term: a landslide has closed the Korowai Pass, cutting off the town of Thorndike. A natural disaster has created an opportunity, a sizable farm seemingly abandoned.
But Mira is not the only one interested in Thorndike. Robert Lemoine, the enigmatic American billionaire, has snatched it up to build his end-times bunker–or so he tells Mira when he catches her on the property. Intrigued by Mira, Birnam Wood, and their entrepreneurial spirit, he suggests they work this land. But can they trust him? And, as their ideals and ideologies are tested, can they trust each other?
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by K-Ming Chang
I recently started reading ‘Organ Meats: A Novel‘ by K-Ming Chang. The story follows the journey of two best friends, Anita and Rainie, who find solace under the shade of an old sycamore tree and some stray dogs. The tree is believed to have the power to communicate with humans. As the girls explore their surroundings, they discover they are connected to a long line of dog-headed women and woman-headed dogs.
Anita convinces Rainie to become a dog like her, and they tie red string collars around their necks to symbolize their bond. However, their friendship is tested when they separate, and Anita enters a dream world. As Anita’s physical body begins to decay, Rainie takes it upon herself to rebuild her friend’s body and save her from being lost forever.
The story is filled with ghosts and vivid descriptions of the human body, portraying the beauty and horror of intimacy, all written in K-Ming Chang’s unique poetic style.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Kashana Cauley
In “The Payback: A Novel,” Kashana Cauley delivers a witty and incisive examination of race, power, and the everyday struggles we all face. The story follows Jada Williams, who finds herself on the run from the relentless Debt Police. As she grapples with her daunting student loans, she teams up with two quirky coworkers from the mall who offer their unexpected support on a plan to exact revenge by erasing their student loan debt.
With sharp humor and captivating storytelling, Cauley highlights the complex web of financial struggles, making readers laugh while also encouraging thoughtful reflection.
Jada Williams has a talent for judging people by their appearance. From across the mall, she can determine not only someone’s inseam and pant size but also the exact style they need to transform their lives. Unfortunately, she is no longer using this superpower as a wardrobe designer for Hollywood stars; instead, she is earning minimum wage plus commission at the Glendale mall.
When Jada is fired yet again, she must outrun the newly instated Debt Police, who are pursuing her relentlessly. However, Jada, like any great antihero, isn’t going to wait for the authorities to come after her. With the help of two other debt-burdened coworkers at the mall, she devises a plan for revenge. Together, the three women formulate a plan to erase their student loans forever and exact revenge on the system that promised them everything and then tried to take it all back.
The Payback is a razor-sharp and hilarious examination of race, power, and the daily grind, from one of the most original and exciting writers working today.
Kashana Cauley is the author of The Payback and The Survivalists, which was named a best book of 2023 by the BBC, Today, Vogue, and more. Cauley is also a television writer, having worked on The Great North, Pod Save America on HBO, and The Daily Show with Trevor Noah. Her writing has also appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, Esquire, Rolling Stone, The New Yorker, and other notable publications. Find out more at KashanaCauley.com.
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by Clémence Michallon
Today, I commenced reading The Quiet Tenant by Clémence Michallon. It is not my typical genre, as it is a pulse-pounding psychological thriller about a serial killer narrated by those closest to him: his 13-year-old daughter, his girlfriend—and the one victim he has spared.
Aidan Thomas is a hard-working family man and a somewhat beloved figure in the small upstate New York town where he lives. He’s the man who always lends a hand and has a good word for everyone. But Aidan has a dark secret he’s been keeping from everyone in town and those closest to him. He’s a kidnapper and serial killer. Aidan has murdered eight women, and there’s a ninth he has earmarked for death: Rachel, imprisoned in a backyard shed, fearing for her life.
When Aidan’s wife dies, he and his thirteen-year-old daughter Cecilia are forced to move. Aidan has no choice but to bring Rachel along, introducing her to Cecilia as a “family friend“ who needs a place to stay. Aidan is betting on Rachel, after five years of captivity, being too brainwashed and fearful to attempt to escape. But Rachel is a fighter and survivor and recognizes Cecilia might be the lifeline she has waited for all these years. As Rachel tests the boundaries of her new living situation, she begins to form a tenuous connection with Cecilia. And when Emily, a local restaurant owner, develops a crush on the handsome widower, she finds herself drawn into Rachel and Cecilia’s orbit, dangerously close to discovering Aidan’s secret.
Told through the perspectives of Rachel, Cecilia, and Emily, The Quiet Tenant explores the psychological impact of Aidan’s crimes on the women in his life—and the bonds between those women that give them the strength to fight back. A searing thriller and an astute study of trauma, survival, and power dynamics, The Quiet Tenant is an electrifying debut thriller by a significant talent.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Téa Obreht
Today, I started reading The Morningside: A Novel by Téa Obreht. The book tells the story of Silvia and her mother, who have been expelled from their home and have settled in a luxury tower called Island City, where Silvia’s aunt Ena is the superintendent. The Morningside is a place of magical possibilities, where Ena shares folktales with Silvia about her demolished homeland, a place of natural beauty and communal spirit. This starkly contrasts Silvia’s current reality, where she feels unmoored and disconnected from her past.
Silvia is fascinated by Bezi Duras, an enigmatic woman who lives in the penthouse and is shrouded in mystery. Bezi has her elevator entrance and only leaves the building at night to walk her three massive hounds, returning in the early morning. Silvia becomes obsessed with unraveling the truth about Bezi’s life and haunted past, even if it comes at a significant cost to her.
The Morningside is an inventive and moving novel that explores the power of storytelling and how we use it to make sense of our lives and the world around us.
by Harriet Lane
“Other People’s Fun” by Harriet Lane is an engaging, thought-provoking novel that explores modern life, including the small lies we tell our neighbors, friends, families, and even ourselves, as well as the distorted reality of social media. Known for her signature blend of creeping unease and keen observation, Lane’s page-turner delves into our deep desire for others to truly see us as we are—and the consequences that arise when that happens.
“I look. I can’t stop looking. That’s the deal, isn’t it? We all know that’s how it works. If someone wants to be seen–and oh, how they want to be seen–then someone has to watch.”
Ruth is alone, unnoticed, and at a loss: her marriage has ended, her daughter is leaving home, and her job is leading nowhere.
But luckily, Sookie is back in her life, the vivid, self-assured Sookie who never spared time for Ruth when they were teenagers, but who now seems to want to be friends. But as Ruth becomes entangled in Sookie’s life, she realizes that everything is not as Instagrammable as Sookie would have her believe. As the truth about Sookie becomes clearer, so too does the choice Ruth will have to make.
Harriet Lane has experience as an editor and staff writer for Tatler and the Observer. She has contributed articles to The Guardian, Vogue, and The New York Times. Additionally, she is the author of two novels, Alys, Always, and Her. Lane resides in North London.
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by Brian Goldstone
Today, I delved into There Is No Place for Us by Brian Goldstone, a poignant exploration of America’s escalating homelessness crisis. Goldstone’s examination of the issue’s scale, root causes, and consequences is a wake-up call, passionately arguing that housing must be recognized as a fundamental human right. His compelling narrative demands our immediate attention and action.
The phrase “the working homeless” serves as a stark reminder of the urgency of America’s homelessness crisis. In a country where hard work and determination are expected to lead to success, it is scandalous that individuals with full-time jobs struggle to maintain stable housing. Rising rents, low wages, and insufficient tenant rights have contributed to this alarming trend. Families are facing homelessness not due to a failing economy but because of a thriving one.
In his compelling and thoroughly researched book, Brian Goldstone explores the lives of five families in Atlanta. Maurice and Natalia attempt to rebuild their lives in the country’s “Black Mecca” after being priced out of Washington, D.C. Kara aspires to become an entrepreneur while working at a public hospital. Britt has secured a much-coveted housing voucher. Michelle is studying to become a social worker. Celeste works tirelessly at her warehouse job while battling ovarian cancer. Each of these individuals strives to provide a decent life for their children. Yet, one by one, they find themselves among the nation’s working homeless, demonstrating their resilience and the system’s failures.
Through intimate, novelistic portrayals, Goldstone exposes the human cost of this crisis, following parents and their children as they sleep in cars or squalid extended-stay hotel rooms, then head to their jobs and schools the next day. These are the nation’s hidden homeless—people often omitted from official statistics—showing that overflowing shelters and street encampments represent only the most visible aspects of a much larger problem.
Brian Goldstone is a journalist whose long-form reporting and essays have appeared in The New York Times, Harper’s Magazine, The New Republic, The California Sunday Magazine, and Jacobin, among other publications. He has a PhD in anthropology from Duke University and was a Mellon Research Fellow at Columbia University. In 2021, he was a National Fellow at New America. He lives in Atlanta with his family.
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