Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Table for Six

Table for Six or Two or One!

Last night, I had dinner with five widows, and in the morning, I had breakfast in a booth with a friend.

Tonight I might dine alone as it is Cranford’s Winter Restaurant Week.

Of course, if I dine at Ambeli Greek Taverna, my favorite local dining room, I am confident for a few moments that the owner and my friend Chris will join me for a few moments.

One of the concerns I hear from my fellow widows is the awkwardness of dining alone.

Even when Jan was alive, I often dined alone while away on business.

Dining alone is not as fun as when Jan sat across the table from me.

I will continue to dine with fellow widows, friends, and by myself.

But I will never truly dine alone as Jan will always be with me!

Her love for me and my love for her will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Living Alone as Best I Can!

The day Jan died, I wasn't sure how long I would live.

I still do not know, but none of us knows how many days we will live.

A good friend called the morning after the love of my life died to offer his sympathy and support.

He said, "You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today."

At that moment, I was unconvinced of his opinion.

But over time, my resilience has rebounded.

No Snow January

No Snow January

My backyard and New York City have gone three hundred twenty-five (325) days since the last measurable snowstorm.

The latest day for the first snow was fifty years ago today.

According to the Gothamist, “50-year-old record for the latest arriving measurable snowfall for a winter season, set on Jan. 29, 1973. If the pattern lasts beyond Feb. 4, it’ll be the longest recorded period the city has gone without snow.”

I was living in Brooklyn in 1973 when that storm arrived. I danced on the St. John’s Rectory stoop, pleading for the snow to come.

The following winter, Jan explained that as a child, she would wear her pajamas inside out to ensure that she had a snow day.

Fifty years later, I do not do a snow dance, but I have also grown to miss winter’s gift.

Walking in the winter is easier without snow or ice.

However, we play chicken with mother nature if we do not have snow.

How long will we wait for snow?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Enduring the Ice, Cold, and Snow

It was a week after Jan died, and I needed to clear my head and focus on how to share her love and slowly build a life without her.

I am a stranger in this new world that I inhabit.

I did not choose to be here, but I am.

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Living Well Without Jan!

Living Alone as Best I Can!

The day Jan died, I wasn’t sure how long I would live.

I still do not know, but none of us knows how many days we will live.

A good friend called the morning after the love of my life died to offer his sympathy and support.

He said, “You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today.”

At that moment, I was unconvinced of his opinion.

But over time, my resilience has rebounded.

I have always found this Tibetan Proverb a guide,

The secret to living well and longer is: eat half, walk double, laugh triple, and love without measure.

I am not sure if I eat half, but I never graze between meals, I definitely walk twice as far, and I laugh but never as much as I once did, but all things being equal, I have learned to love Jan without measure by sharing her love.

I will miss Jan forever, but I have learned to bring her with me and share her love one day at a time.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Why Am I Giving Her Love Away?

"Why are you giving her love away?" My answer is that I am not giving it away. What I am doing is sharing her love. The love they receive increases as they share it with others.
The Power of Caring

The Power of Caring

If a poll were taken of all adults worldwide, 99.9% of respondents would identify as caring people.

The reality, of course, would be very different.

Caring, complimenting, and engaging others in conversations with a smile are in my bones.

My emails, texts, phone calls, and casual conversations begin with, “How are you today?

More often than not, that opening phrase initiates honest dialogue about how they are doing.

As Leo Buscaglia said,

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

Jan’s love taught me the primary lesson that I must be a caring, compassionate person who genuinely wants to help others.

It is why I am a mensch-in-training.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Bringing Jan With Me!

Although I focused on what I had lost in the initial hours and days after Jan died, the only way forward was to focus on what I gained, not what I lost.

My addition calculation begins with Merrit Malloy's poem Epitaph, which was read at Jan's funeral and will be a part of mine.

Love doesn't die, People do. So, when all that's left of me Is love, Give me away.

Is Gratitude in My DNA!

Is Gratitude in My DNA!

Expressing gratitude is so habitual that it might be a part of my DNA. Each morning, my first thought is to be thankful for the new day, appreciating that I can still walk long distances at my age. This exercise tests my endurance and gives me another reason to be grateful.

When I take walks around town, it clears my mind and allows me to reflect on my day. We do not live in isolation but in communities, as I meet other walkers. Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to bump into a friend that I needed to contact while on my daily walk. The importance of friendships, particularly for widows like myself, cannot be overstated.

The love of my late spouse, Jan, is at the center of my being. Before I go to bed each night, I reflect on my day and remind myself of how grateful I am to be alive, have neighbors, and have the enduring love of Jan.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Gratitude for All of Life’s Blessings

Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday since I was a child.

It is not the large table of food that made me prefer this holiday.

Thanksgiving is a collective day to express our gratitude for the blessings we have been granted.

In his proclamation almost a century and a half ago, Abraham Lincoln established a holiday amid war "to observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens."

We Are All the Same in the Dark

We Are All the Same in the Dark

We Are All the Same in the Dark by Julia Heaberlin is a novel I highly recommend and wish I had read earlier. The title summarizes the reality of all humans, that in the dark we are all the same. Disabilities do not define us, just as being a widow does not define who I am. In this twisty psychological thriller, Julia Heaberlin paints two unforgettable portraits of a woman and a girl who redefine perceptions of physical beauty and strength. Her novel has helped me redefine my grief.

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Fruit Flies in My Granola

Fruit Flies in My Granola!

Front of Jan's Coffee Mug“Lord and Taylor, there is a fruit fly near my granola bowl!”

For the last few months, my mornings, days, and nights have been engaged in an existential struggle against the fruit flies that have become non-paying residents of my home.

One day I will solve this epidemic, although having finished the last bowl of Trader Joe’s Granola Cereal, that may be a bigger problem as I can no longer find them on the store shelves.

Many of my fellow widows would describe this as a crisis caused by being a single person.

I am now and always will be responsible for my decisions and actions.

Would it be easier if Jan and I were confronting the fruit flies together? Positively!

But that is not a choice I have.

Every decision I have made since May of 2021 is one I must complete solo.

One day the fruit flies will be no more!

But each decision I will make on my own and be fully accountable for their impact.

In those moments when I doubt myself, I stand in front of the Wind Sculpture, Jan’s angelic voice whispers fill my heart with love,

Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Be True to Yourself

Like many of us, the votes last week for Speaker of the House were a background noise we could not ignore.

The fifteen roll call votes reminded me of an experience when I was a teenager and a member of Explorer Post 310.

We had elections for officers every six months.

I was one of the older members and had been elected vice president in the prior election.

The president moved out of town, and I became acting president.

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Table for Six
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No Snow January
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Living Well Without Jan!
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The Power of Caring
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Is Gratitude in My DNA!
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We Are All the Same in the Dark

Read: January 2023

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We Are All the Same in the Dark

by Julia Heaberlin

We Are All the Same in the Dark by Julia Heaberlin is a novel I highly recommend and wish I had read earlier. The title summarizes the reality of all humans, that in the dark we are all the same. Disabilities do not define us, just as being a widow does not define who I am. In this twisty psychological thriller, Julia Heaberlin paints two unforgettable portraits of a woman and a girl who redefine perceptions of physical beauty and strength. Her novel has helped me redefine my grief.

I have been a widow for almost twenty-one months. After a trauma of that magnitude, it is easier to let the widowed state define me. But I am more than just a widow! But I am a father, grandfather, friend, neighbor, advocate, and more. Reading We Are All the Same in the Dark helped me embrace myself and not wallow in widowhood.

The novel begins with the discovery of a girl abandoned by the side of the road who threatens to unearth the long-buried secrets of a Texas town’s legendary cold case. In the first section, I was still determining if I wanted to continue. Once I read about Odette Tucker and Angel, it became a page-turner. 

This line from Odette given to Angelica, aka Angel, summarizes the characteristics that each of us should live by.

Tender. Resilient. Strong. Resourceful. Kind. Empathetic.—Six words Marshall Tucker wrote on a piece of paper to describe his daughter, Odette.

As a mensch-in-training, I will strive to live by those six words.

We are truly all the same in the dark.

We Are All the Same in the Dark is the ninth book I read this year.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

It’s been a decade since Trumanell Branson disappeared, leaving only a bloody handprint behind. Her pretty face still hangs like a watchful queen on the posters on the walls of the town’s Baptist church, the police station, and the high school. They all promise the same thing: We will find you. Meanwhile, her brother, Wyatt, lives as a pariah in the desolation of the old family house, cleared of wrongdoing by the police but tried and sentenced in the court of public opinion and a new documentary about the crime.

When Wyatt finds a lost girl dumped in a field of dandelions, making silent wishes, he believes she is a sign. The town’s youngest cop, Odette Tucker, believes she is a catalyst that will ignite a seething town still waiting for its missing girl to come home. But Odette can’t look away. She shares a wound that won’t close with the mute, one-eyed mystery girl. And she is haunted by her history with the missing Tru.

Desperate to solve both cases, Odette fights to save the lost girl in the present and to dig up the shocking truth about a fateful night in the past–the night her friend disappeared. This night inspired her to become a cop, the night that wrote them all a role in the town’s dark, violent mythology.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Fruit Flies in My Granola
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The Hidden Habits of Genius

Read: September 2019

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The Hidden Habits of Genius

by Craig Wright

The Hidden Habits of Genius: Beyond Talent, IQ, and Grit―Unlocking the Secrets of Greatness by Craig Wright, Ph.D., I got through my membership in One Day University.

Dr. Wright raises many important questions as he analyses fourteen (14) critical traits of genius. Professor Craig Wright, creator of Yale University’s famous “Genius Course,” explores what we can learn from brilliant minds that have changed the world.

What we often presume about a genius does not match reality. Among other interesting observations, Dr. Wright reminds the reader that Picasso could not pass a fourth-grade math test, and Steve Jobs’s high school GPA was 2.65. He questions why to teach children to behave and play by the rules when transformative geniuses do not.

Examining the lives of transformative individuals ranging from Charles Darwin and Marie Curie to Leonardo Da Vinci and Andy Warhol to Toni Morrison and Elon Musk, Wright identifies more than a dozen drivers of genius, characteristics and patterns of behavior common to great minds throughout history. He argues that genius is about more than intellect and work ethic and that the famed “eureka” moment is a Hollywood fiction. Brilliant insights that change the world are never sudden, but rather, they are the result of unique modes of thinking and lengthy gestation.

I found the book to be a fascinating read and raised more questions for future thought and reading. Professor Wright argues that the habits of mind that produce great thinking and discovery can be actively learned and cultivated. In the book, he explains how. He notes that reading the book will not make you a genius but can “make you more strategic, creative, and successful, and, ultimately, happier.

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Three Summers

Read: February 2025

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Three Summers: A Novel

by Margarita Liberaki

Today, I began reading Margarita Liberaki‘s Three Summers, translated by Karen Van Dyck. This edition features a detailed introduction by Ms. Van Dyck, in which she shares her experiences meeting Ms. Liberaki and collaborating with her on the translation. The original novel, written in Greek, was titled The Straw Hats, but Ms. Van Dyck felt that this title would not resonate with foreign readers similarly.

Three Summers is the story of three sisters who grew up in the countryside near Athens before the outbreak of the Second World War. The sisters live in a large, old house surrounded by a beautiful garden. The oldest sister, Maria, is adventurous and eager to settle down and start her own family. The middle sister, Infanta, is gorgeous but emotionally distant. Katerina, the narrator, and the youngest sister is dreamy and rebellious.

Throughout three summers, the sisters share and keep secrets, fall in and out of love, and try to understand their parents and other adult figures. They also observe the peculiar behaviors of friends and neighbors while worrying about and discovering their identities. Karen Van Dyck’s translation beautifully captures the light and warmth of this modern Greek classic.

Margarita Liberaki (1919-2001) was born in Athens and raised by her grandparents, who owned the Fexis bookstore and publishing house. In addition to her novel Three Summers, she authored The Other Alexander (1950) and The Mystery (1976). She also wrote several plays, including Candaules’ Wife (1955) and The Danaïds (1956), part of a cycle she called Mythical Theater. Furthermore, she contributed screenplays, such as Jules Dassin’s Phaedra (1962) and Diaspora (1999), which focused on Greek intellectuals in exile in Paris during the junta. Her novel Three Summers is now a standard part of public education in Greece and Cyprus and was adapted into a television miniseries in 1995.

Karen Van Dyck is the Kimon A. Doukas Professor of Modern Greek Literature at Columbia University. Her research focuses on modern Greek literature, diaspora literature, gender studies, and translation. She has edited or co-edited several poetry anthologies, including A Century of Greek Poetry (2004), The Greek Poets: Homer to the Present (2010), and Austerity Measures: The New Greek Poetry (2017) for NYRB Poets. Additionally, her translations have appeared in Brooklyn Rail, Asymptote, and The Baffler.



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The Surgeon's Daughter

Read: July 2022

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The Surgeon’s Daughter

by Audrey Blake

I did something I had not done in decades. After finishing the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake, I immediately started reading the sequel, The Surgeon’s Daughter. The protagonist, Nora Beady, was such a strong female lead that I could not wait to find out what happened next. In the sequel, Nora Beady, the only female student at a prestigious medical school in Bologna, is a rarity. Nora’s tenacity and passion reminded me of Jan, the love of my life.

In the 19th century, women were supposed to remain at home and raise children, so her unconventional, indelicate ambitions to become a licensed surgeon offended the men around her.

Ms. Blake has a split personality— because she is the creative alter ego of writing duo Jaima Fixsen and Regina Sirois, two authors who met as finalists of a writing contest and have been writing together happily ever since.

The pen name – Audrey Blake – was in response to the publishers recommending a more straightforward author’s name. Regina’s daughter is named Audrey, and Jaima’s son is Blake.

The Surgeon’s Daughter is the forty-fourth book I have read this year and the ninety-ninth since the beginning of 2019. My Goodreads goal for 2022 was twenty-two books.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Under constant scrutiny, Nora’s successes are taken for granted; her mistakes used as proof that women aren’t suited to the field.

Everything changes when she allies herself with Magdalena Morenco, the sole female doctor on-staff. Together the two women develop new techniques to improve a groundbreaking surgery: the Cesarean section. It’s a highly dangerous procedure and the research is grueling, but even worse is the vitriolic response from men. Most don’t trust the findings of women, and many can choose to deny their wives medical care.

Already facing resistance on all sides, Nora is shaken when she meets a patient who will die without the surgery. If the procedure is successful, her work could change the world. But a failure could cost everything: precious lives, Nora’s career, and the role women will be allowed to play in medicine.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Chain Gang All Stars

Read: December 2023

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Chain Gang All Stars

by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah

Today, I started reading “Chain Gang All Stars” by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah. The story revolves around Loretta Thurwar and Hamara “Hurricane Staxxx” Stacker, the main characters of the Chain-Gang All-Stars, a highly controversial and top-rated program in America’s private prison industry. The program is called Criminal Action Penal Entertainment (CAPE), where prisoners compete for the ultimate prize- their freedom. It’s similar to the return of the gladiators but in a modern-day setting.

The story is set in a prison called CAPE, where inmates are forced to participate in death matches as a part of a chain-gang. These matches are held in front of cheering crowds, while the prison authorities claim it to be a righteous act. Among the participants, Thurwar and Staxxx are the most popular as they are also lovers. Thurwar is just a few matches away from her freedom, which she carries with a heavy heart and lethal hammer. Thurwar contemplates how she can help her fellow inmates preserve their humanity despite being forced into these brutal games. However, the owners of CAPE are determined to safeguard their status quo, and they will go to extreme lengths to stop anyone who challenges them. Thurwar’s attempts to resist the system have devastating consequences.

Chain-Gang All-Stars” is a powerful book that sheds light on the American prison system’s problematic alliance with systemic racism, unchecked capitalism, and mass incarceration. It critically examines the situation from various perspectives, from the Links in the field to the protestors, the CAPE employees, and beyond. The book offers a clear-eyed reckoning of what freedom really means in America. It is a noteworthy contribution from a “new and necessary American voice,” as described by Tommy Orange in The New York Times Book Review.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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A Sovereign People: The Crises of the 1790s and the Birth of American Nationalism

Read: February 2019

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A Sovereign People: The Crises of the 1790s and the Birth of American Nationalism

by Carol Berkin

A Sovereign People: The Crises of the 1790s and the Birth of American Nationalism by Carol Berkin, Presidential Professor American Colonial and Revolutionary History; Women’s History Professor at Baruch College, focuses on four crises in the first decade. Most historians view these are part of the early partisan debates in America.

Professor Berkin takes a different perspective. She focuses on how the Whiskey Rebellion, the Genet Affair, the XYZ Affair, and the Alien and Sedition Acts helped build nationalism. Despite the partisan divisions, both sides could find solutions that helped America survive its first decade. The failure to resolve anyone of these could have doomed America to failure.

The Federalists – Washington, Hamilton, and Adams – were the leaders of that first decade and managed the successive crisis of sovereignty.

A Sovereign People is one of four books from my first One Day University class.

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My Brilliant Friend

Read: July 2024

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My Brilliant Friend

by Elena Ferrante

Today, I delved into Elena Ferrante‘s captivating novel My Brilliant Friend. This acclaimed book hailed as the #1 Book of the 21st Century by the New York Times, weaves a timeless tale of the enduring bond between two women from Naples. With its rich character development and evocative historical setting, it stands alongside other character-driven works of literary fiction.

Beginning in the 1950s in a poor but vibrant neighborhood on the outskirts of Naples, Elena Ferrante’s four-volume story spans almost sixty years. The main characters, the fiery and unforgettable Lila and the bookish narrator, Elena, are bound by an enduring friendship that withstands the test of time and life’s challenges. This first novel in the series follows Lila and Elena from their fateful meeting as ten-year-olds through their school years and adolescence, evoking a sense of enduring connection and emotional resonance.

Through the lives of these two women, Ferrante weaves a compelling narrative of a neighborhood, a city, and a country undergoing profound transformation. These societal changes, in turn, also reshape the relationship between the two women, adding a rich layer of historical and cultural context to the story. This context will enrich your reading experience and provide a deeper understanding of the characters and their journey.

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