Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Fog Bank Doldrums!

Have I Lost My Resilience?

Like a weighted blanket, time can fold back upon itself and cloak me into a different space and time.

For several days, I had felt as if I were sleepwalking like two years ago when Jan was home for hospice.

During hospice, I showered Jan with love to the point that I felt depleted of energy and stamina.

When I kissed Jan on the final morning, I was unsure how or if I could continue to live.

A good friend called me in the afternoon and offered condolences. He said something I did not fully comprehend in my initial hours as a widow.

You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today.

One day at a time, I learned that resilience could and does help us to adapt. It became a secret power that allowed me to live fully despite having my body and soul shredded into a million pieces like the glass bottle we smashed on our wedding day.

Each day I gained strength and rebuilt my life by sharing Jan’s love.

Walking shrunk my waist and allowed my mind to wonder and think creatively.

Building on that foundation, I framed my new life with love and faith. The trusses of my gabled roof are my reading and my writing.

I will forever miss Jan, but with a new framework, I have regained a purpose by helping others.

As Jane Goodall wrote,

You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.

For forty-eight hours, my life has reverted to one devoid of meaning.

Am I no longer reslient? Did I lose my mojo?

I do not know, but my body and soul feel weak and hopeless.

Despite the many miles I walk daily, my legs fill like water balloons, yet I cannot give up. Jan’s love spurs me to impact the world not by sleepwalking but by making a difference. Can I do this?

My doubts overflow like high tide in the Bay of Fundy.

Despite my anxiety, I still hear Jan whispering her words of wisdom,

Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.

Soon the fog bank will break, and Jan’s undying love will let me regain my focus and continue to impact the world positively.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Living Alone as Best I Can!

The day Jan died, I wasn't sure how long I would live.

I still do not know, but none of us knows how many days we will live.

A good friend called the morning after the love of my life died to offer his sympathy and support.

He said, "You are resilient, and that will help you on your journey. You will survive despite the pain you feel today."

At that moment, I was unconvinced of his opinion.

But over time, my resilience has rebounded.

Walkability is Likeability!

Walkability Equals Likability!

In Cranford, I Do Not Need a Car for Daily Errands

As I was lost in thought during my walk, I suddenly heard a familiar voice calling me. As the person got closer, I recognized my neighbor, Franco, carrying two large bags of bread. He shouted a greeting, saying, “Hey, Buddy, I’m right behind you!”

Walking to his shop, Venue 104, made me appreciate how fortunate I am to live in a neighborhood where most of my daily tasks can be accomplished on foot. The walkability score of my community is an impressive 96, which has been a tremendous help as I navigate my grief journey.

I’m also grateful to be an active member of several supportive communities that provide me with the necessary strength and encouragement. Without these connections, I wouldn’t have made it this far.

As Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie, one of his daughters, in Hello Beautiful.

We’re separated from the world by our own edges. We’re all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is.

Despite the difficulty in finding joy in life without Jan, I’m taking things one day at a time and discovering happiness in simple things like walking, faith, reading, and more.

Although I can never replace Jan, sharing her love helps me keep her memory alive in this new chapter of my life.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I Live in Community and Reside in My Home!

As Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie, one of his daughters, in Hello Beautiful, "We're separated from the world by our own edges. We're all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is."

As a widow, it is sometimes difficult for me to appreciate the beauty of life without my beloved partner, Jan. However, I am learning to take things one day at a time and embrace life to the fullest. Although Jan's loss can never be replaced, I feel fortunate to have a supportive network that allows me to keep her spirit alive and share her love with others.

We can face life alone in fear or unite and support one another. For me, living interdependently in multiple communities has helped manage my grief..

Passover in Tinton Falls

Passover in Tinton Falls

Adding a New Node to My Network

Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman

Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman at Celebrate Jan Day on April 24, 2022. Photo Courtesy of Kevin Papa.

“I am a friend of Rabbi Renee…”

“Wow, you know our Renee?”

I nodded yes to the question, which was the perfect icebreaker that could dismantle the largest glaciers in a nanosecond.

“Amazing that you joined us when you did not know anyone here. We always welcome strangers.”

I attended Second Night Seder at the Monmouth Reform Temple (MRT) in Tinton Falls for the second night of the Passover Seder.

Rabbi Renee, a friend and my rabbi will become the new religious leader at MRT on July 1.

To describe my arrival in Tinton Falls as a warm welcome would be several degrees lower than the enthusiasm that enveloped me.

Walking into a room with more than eighty congregants when the only person I knew was their new rabbi might have been daunting to some people, but I found it as easy as adding a new node to my community mesh network.

I live in a community mesh network (CMN), allowing me to move from one node to another. It is seamless, and adding a new node is as easy as 1-2-3.

My CMN reflects the reality of our real lives: we belong to multiple communities and must be able to move between them and remain interconnected.

Seamlessly moving between my communities of family, friends, neighbors, and faith strengthens each and makes me healthier.

Without my multi-community mesh network, I am unsure if I could have survived my grief journey.

It does not replace what I lost when Jan died, but my seamless network allows me to bring Jan’s spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.

You must return next year when Renee will lead the seder,” several new friends said as I walked to my car.

I am still trying to figure out what to do next year, but I am happy to have added a new node to my community mesh network.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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My Community Mesh Network

Seamlessly moving between these communities strengthens each one and makes me healthier. Everyone should consider creating community mesh networks. My multi-community mesh network has been a lifesaver throughout my grief journey.

Although it cannot replace what I lost, it allows me to bring my loved one's spirit into my new life and share her love with everyone.

The New Earth

The New Earth

The New Earth, by Jess Row, is a commanding investigation of our deep and impossible desire to undo the injustices we have both inflicted and been forced to endure. When I read books about dysfunctional families, I am reminded of how important family is to our health and how blessed I am not to be a member of a family like the one Jess Row has created. I highly recommend this book!

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Matzoh Brei for Jan!

Matzoh Brei for Jan!

The Secret Ingredient Makes It the Best!

“Honey, I’m feeling pretty hungry,” Jan said as I handed her the morning medication.

As her loving husband and caregiver, I asked what she had in mind. “I’m really in the mood for some Matzoh Brei,” she replied.

I wasn’t sure how to make it, so I headed downstairs to find a recipe.

“Wait a minute, you’ve never made Matzoh Brei before and you don’t even like it,” she reminded me. Jan quickly jotted down a recipe for me to follow.

In the kitchen, I followed her instructions step by step, with the only change I put in all my love into the Matzoh Brei. After some time, I went back upstairs and served her breakfast. I said, “Here you go, my love. Do you require anything else?”

Jan was in the middle of a call and shook her head negatively, so I quietly left the room and headed downstairs. As I reached the first floor, I overheard Jan exclaiming, “Wow, this is the best Matzoh Brei I’ve ever had!

I smiled as I continued to our living room, remembering my grandmother’s lesson. Following Jan’s directions, I prepared the Matzoh Brei and added the secret ingredientlove!


I received the news that I hoped never to hear two years ago today.

“I’m sorry to say this, but the only option for Janice is hospice,” Dr. Strair said.

Hearing those words, my stomach flipped, and I felt like it had jumped out of the window. The call had been about planning for Jan’s recovery, but now we were discussing her death.

Today, 24 months later, I still can’t eat Matzoh Brei, but my love for Jan remains strong.

I’ve learned that love never dies, and I take it one day at a time. Even though I miss Jan, I strive to share her passion for life and kindle the light from her effervescent smiles to repair the world.

Love is the elusive yet essential ingredient that makes life complete and fulfilling.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Home for Hospice

I must focus all my attention on Jan, who will come home for hospice care. Although resources are limited, I will give Jan my utmost love and support.
Nomahegan Sunrise

Dream Walking

My Meandering Mind Helped Me Live Fully!

Since I was a young child, I have been dreaming not at night but during the day.

Most, if not all, of my childhood dreams never came to fruition.

However, since Jan died, my walking has increased in both the distance and the creative dreaming I do.

As Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “Only ideas won by walking have any value.”

After sleepwalking through the last two weeks of hospice and the first month or so after Jan died, my perambulations have intensified my brain’s default mode of mind wandering.

As Shane O’Mara‘s In Praise of Walking describes, mind wandering is “the repeated interrogation of autobiographical memory and a focus of attention from the immediate environment.”

On my early grief walks, my mind focused on doubts about Jan’s love, not the truth.

Walking sans headphones, I was able over time to accept that Jan’s love was transformative and that my only way forward was to share her passion as Merrit Malloy‘s poem Epitaph commands us,

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

One step at a time, the vision of Jan’s Memorial Garden formed in my mind, and bringing Jan’s spirit with me became a reality.

Neither my thoughts nor my footprints will be long remembered once I am gone.

But if, in some small way, they help keep Jan’s name alive and help repair the world, my meanderings will have been worth the thousands of steps I have taken.

I will always walk daily, and Jan’s love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



A Future Walking With Jan’s Spirit

My sound test on Zoom is a simple chant.

I test the microphone by saying, "I love Jan! I miss Jan!"

The message proves the microphone works and adjusts my frame of mind, so I am ready, willing, and able to host the Zoom call.

Yet, the change in the atmosphere does not fill the gap left in my heart since Jan died.

The OMordy Quotes help me put into perspective my circumstances,

What's destroyed can still be rebuilt, what's lost can still be found, what's broken can still be mended, an end is not always the end, it can also be a basis for a new and better beginning.

My life with Jan has been erased, and I cannot simply mend my brokenness.

Show thread (1)

House Guest

Resizing for My New Life!

Apartment 3B is Perfect for Me!

“Wow, your apartment looks so nice,” said Mike as he walked into my new home.

I had not had visitors to my home except when Nick visited me. It was lovely to have my family visiting for a family birthday celebration.

“It is so light and airy. Everything looks like it fits perfectly,” said Elyssa, my daughter-in-law.

I nodded in agreement.

I know you and Mom had to let go of a lot of furniture when you moved, and it looks like you had to allow even more go this time. But you have made this feel like a home.”

Standing before the ceremonial shovel, Nick and I mentioned that a TaskRabbit person had installed it and the photos.

“Hugo and Ana helped me determine what I could keep and helped me find a new home for items I no longer needed,” I explained as my lips began to shake.

“It looks so lovely you could rent it as an AIRBNB.”

I laughed.

“I need a place to live that meets my needs and keeps your mom’s spirit and love with me.”


As we had dinner, I remembered when Jan and I moved to Cranford in May 2018, we expected to live here for two years and then buy a condo.

Our plans did not work out, but moving from a three-bedroom ranch to a walkable downtown was more critical than we understood then.

If we had stayed where we lived, I am unsure how I would have survived without Jan. Overwhelmed and adrift, I would have been too attached to material things and lost like a kid in a candy store.

Instead, I am centered in overlapping communities where I can walk daily and live interdependently with my neighbors.

I will forever be grateful that Jan and I moved here, as living in supportive communities has been critical in managing my grief.

Jan’s love transformed me the day we met. Her love continues to shower me with her undying support and allows me to live fully, albeit alone, in Apartment 3B!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Flowers Convert 3B Into a Home

Thanks to my friend Deb, I have made a giant step in making Apartment 3B my home! Deb, a master gardener and a member of the Hanson Park Conservancy and the Green Thumb Garden Club, helped me select the plants, and she re-potted them.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

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Walkability is Likeability!
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Passover in Tinton Falls
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The New Earth

Read: April 2023

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The New Earth

by Jess Row

The New Earth, by Jess Row, is a commanding investigation of our deep and impossible desire to undo the injustices we have both inflicted and been forced to endure. When I read books about dysfunctional families, I am reminded of how important family is to our health and how blessed I am not to be a member of a family like the one Jess Row has created. I highly recommend this book!

The Wilcoxes saga is a case study of the difficulties of modern relationships. The reunion at the wedding of their daughter Winter unfolds in a manner that keeps the reader engaged until the final words appear on the page. Lies, infidelity, and how these actions compound and create problems for the younger generation is a book well worth reading.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

For fifteen years, the Wilcoxes have been a family in name only. Though never the picture of happiness, they once seemed like a typical white Jewish clan from the Upper West Side. But in the early 2000s, two events ruptured the relationships between them. First, Naomi revealed to her children that her biological father was Black. In the aftermath, college-age daughter Bering left home to become a radical peace activist in Palestine’s West Bank, where an Israeli Army sniper killed her.

In 2018, Winter Wilcox is getting married, and her only demand is that her mother, father, and brother emerge from their self-imposed isolations and gather once more. After decades of neglecting personal and political wounds, each remaining family member must face their fractured history and decide if they can ever reconcile.

Assembling a vast chorus of voices and ideas from across the globe, Jess Row “explodes the saga from within–blows the roof off, so to speak, to let in politics, race, theory, and the narrative self-awareness that the form had seemed hell-bent on ignoring” (Jonathan Lethem).


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Matzoh Brei for Jan!
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Nomahegan Sunrise
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House Guest
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Year of Wonders: A Novel

Read: November 2024

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Year of Wonders: A Novel

by Geraldine Brooks

I started reading Year of Wonders: A Novel” by Geraldine Brooks today. It is a compelling story set in 17th-century England about a village that quarantines itself to stop the spread of the plague. The book is written by the author of “The Secret Chord” and “March,” both of which won the Pulitzer Prize. Inspired by the events in Eyam, a village in the rugged hill country of England, “Year of Wonders” offers a richly detailed portrayal of a significant historical moment.

The plot begins when an infected bolt of cloth arrives from London, bringing the plague to an isolated village. A housemaid named Anna Frith emerges as an unlikely heroine and healer. Through Anna’s perspective, we experience the fateful year of 1666 as she and her fellow villagers confront the outbreak of disease and the rise of superstition. As death visits each household and villagers turn from prayer to fear-driven witch-hunting, Anna must find the strength to face the breakdown of her community and the temptations of forbidden love. Her struggle for survival and growth transforms a disastrous year into an extraordinary “year of wonders.

Written with remarkable emotional depth, the novel introduces, according to The Wall Street Journal, “an inspiring heroine” and skillfully weaves themes of love and learning, loss and renewal into a captivating and unforgettable narrative.

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Don't Be a Stranger: A Novel

Read: October 2024

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Don’t Be a Stranger: A Novel

by Susan Minot

Today, I began reading “Don’t Be a Stranger: A Novel” by Susan Minot, a captivating new work by the author of ‘Evening.’ Known for her lyrical prose and exploration of complex human relationships, Minot’s latest novel revolves around a woman involved in a love affair during midlife. It is a radiant tale that explores themes of erotic obsession, the desire for intimacy, communication, and oblivion, which will resonate with fans of Miranda July‘s ‘All Fours,’ a book I have also read.

Ivy Cooper is 52 years old when Ansel Fleming first enters her life. Twenty years her junior, a musician newly released from prison on a minor drug charge, Ansel’s beguiling good looks and quiet intensity instantly seduce her. Despite the gulf between their ages and experience, their physical chemistry is overpowering. Over the heady weeks and months that follow, Ivy finds her life bifurcated by his presence: On the surface, she is a responsible mother, managing the demands of friends, an ex-husband, and home, but emotionally, psychologically, sexually, she is consumed by desire and increasingly alive only in the stolen moments-out-of-time, with Ansel in her bed.

Don’t Be a Stranger is a gripping, sensual, and provocative work from one of the most remarkable voices in contemporary fiction.

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Us Fools

Read: November 2024

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Us Fools: A Novel

by Nora Lange

Today, I embarked on the journey of Us Fools by Nora Lange. This poignant and personal American narrative is about two remarkable sisters who, against all odds, come of age during the Midwestern farm crisis of the 1980s. In her debut novel, Nora Lange has crafted a lively, ambitious, and heart-wrenching portrait of two unique sisters determined to persevere despite the harsh realities of capitalism and their circumstances. After a pivotal national election, this seemed like the perfect book to read.

Joanne and Bernadette Fareown, born and raised on a family farm in rural Illinois, are deeply impacted by their parents’ tumultuous relationship and mounting financial debt, haunted by the unsettling history of the women in their family. Left to fend for themselves, the sisters delve into Greek mythology, feminism, and Virginia Woolf. As they grapple with these trying circumstances, they must devise unique coping mechanisms and question the validity of the American Dream. At the same time, the rest of the nation disregards their struggling community.

Jo and Bernie’s imaginative efforts to escape their parents’ harsh realities ultimately fall short, prompting the family to relocate to Chicago. There, Joanne—free-spirited, reckless, and struggling to manage her inner turmoil—rebels in increasingly desperate ways. After undergoing her most significant breakdown yet, Jo goes into exile in Deadhorse, Alaska. Bernadette takes it upon herself to apply everything she has learned from her sister to rekindle a sense of hope in a failing world.

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Normal Rules Don't Apply: Stories

Read: September 2023

Normal Rules Don’t Apply: Stories

by Kate Atkinson

Today, I commended reading Normal Rules Don’t Apply: Stories by Kate Atkinson, is a dazzling collection of eleven interconnected stories from the bestselling, award-winning author of Shrines of Gaiety and Life After Life, with everything that readers love about her novels—the inventiveness, the verbal felicity, the sharp observations on human nature, and the deeply satisfying emotional wallop.

Nothing is quite as it seems in this collection of eleven dazzling stories. We meet a queen who makes a bargain she cannot keep, a secretary who watches over the life she has just left, and a man who bets on a horse that may—or may not—have spoken to him. Everything that readers love about the novels of Kate Atkinson is here—the inventiveness, the verbal felicity, the sharp observations on human nature, and the deeply satisfying emotional wallop.

A startling and funny feast for the imagination, these stories conjure a multiverse of subtly connected worlds while illuminating the webs of chance and connection among us all.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Man's Search for Meaning

Read: January 2022

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Man’s Search for Meaning

by Viktor E. Frankl

I remember reading portions of Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at different times, but I never finished the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after the passing of Jan, my wife, the book came up for discussion in one of my groups. Frankl’s theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for “meaning,” centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.

For those like me who are widows, Frankl understands suffering,

In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

Jan and I lived meaningful lives. My challenge now is to continue to find meaning in my life without Jan.

As Frankl writes,

Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how.

The love Jan and I shared was one of my primary sources of meaning. In addition, I stopped working full-time at the end of 2018 and struggled to replace the purpose I had gained from repairing the world. After Jan died, I suffered the “provisional existence of an unknown limit, ” which Frankl experienced when he was in the concentration camps.

I have replaced the loss of meaning and purpose with a series of activities:

  1. Planning to celebrate Jan Day on her birthday this year.
  2. Writing my random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered;
  3. Reading more than ever, including my Goodreads 2022 Reading Challenge; and
  4. Walking more than I probably should.

I am also beginning to serve on the board of a few non-profits. It is time to transition from hands-on work to providing leadership differently.

Will this be enough to give my life meaning?

Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.

I must continue focusing on my search for meaning, as life will change over time.

My grief journey has taught me that love never dies,

For the first time in my life, I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.

My path forward is to keep Jan’s love alive and continue to share it with others.

I recommend this book without reservation.



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Beautyland: A Novel

Read: June 2024

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Beautyland: A Novel

by Marie-Helene Bertino

I started reading “Beautyland: A Novel” by Marie-Helene Bertino today. The novel is about the fragility and resilience of life on Earth and in our universe. It tells the story of a baby born with extraordinary perception to a single mother in Philadelphia when Voyager 1 embarks on its interstellar journey. As we follow Adina Giorno’s growth, we witness her awakening to her exceptional nature—a profound understanding of a distant planet.

With the introduction of a fax machine, she established a unique form of communication with her extraterrestrial kin, who dispatched her to observe and document the peculiarities of Earthlings. As Adina navigates the complexities of the human world, she not only shares her observations on the joys and terrors of existence but also grapples with her identity and the connections she forms. At a pivotal moment, a trusted friend encourages her to share her transmissions with the world, leading her to question if she is alone in her experiences.

Beautyland‘ is a wise, tender novel about a woman who doesn’t feel at home on Earth, penned by the highly acclaimed Marie-Helene Bertino, the author of ‘Parakeet.’ With her proven ability to craft compelling narratives, Bertino’s ‘Beautyland’ is a surefire way to captivate readers interested in contemporary fiction, themes of identity, and human connection.

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