Life is Beautiful
Managing Beauty and Pain After Loss
Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 3 seconds
At the start of the millennium, I used to answer phone calls for work and personal reasons by saying what a beautiful day it was. However, on the afternoon of September 11th, while I was at work, I answered the phone as usual, only to be corrected by the person I was speaking to that there was nothing beautiful about the attacks that had occurred that day. I apologized, and we continued our conversation.
I was reminded of this when I read Sarah Wildman’s guest essay in the NY Times, “I Am Trying to See What My Beautiful Daughter Saw.” Ms. Wildman poignantly writes about the loss of her teenage daughter. Both my wife, Jan, and Orli, Ms. Wildman’s daughter, spent their days finding beauty in an imperfect world.
The pain is always there for us. It will be waiting at the apartment when we return tonight, it will be lying next to us in bed or come to us when we wake; we always have it. But we have to let this beauty in, too. That will be the work of all the rest of our days: to hold this pain and this beauty side by side, without letting the one crush or crowd out the other. We have to let this beauty in, too.
As a widow, I faced a difficult decision. I could dwell on the worst day of my life and live in the past, or I could embrace the present and face an uncertain future. Though I would pay any price to bring my loved one back, I cannot. So, I choose to live in the present.
The sunrise this morning was genuinely breathtaking despite the scattered clouds. The sun’s rays persevered and created a moment of pure beauty. This reminded me to appreciate every moment in life, even during grief. Keeping our eyes open and seeing the beauty surrounding us is essential. Even in difficult times, like 9/11, we can still find moments of beauty and inspiration in life.
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As I prepare to attend the High Holiday services for the third time since my loved one passed away, I reflect on my choice to live. It is a simple choice but one that carries great significance. I choose life so that future generations may also have the opportunity to live and thrive. I refuse to be consumed by death and negativity. Instead, I strive to make the most of the life I have been given. My mantra is always to be kind, to lend my strength to others, and to never dwell on weakness. I choose, now and daily, to live with purpose and intention.
My Chrysalis Moment
Managing Beauty and Pain After Loss
Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 3 seconds
Reflecting on the past can sometimes perplex us, struggling to comprehend what happened and why. The initial months of 2019 were a trying time for me when I relinquished full-time work and found myself at a loss for purpose. My wife's lymphoma diagnosis necessitated my role as a full-time caregiver, and I embraced my newfound responsibilities with empathy and devotion. Four and a half years later, I must face the significant questions I had set aside to tend to my wife. However, the experience of caring for her and eventually becoming a widow has fortified me, making me feel more confident and capable of tackling these challenges head-on.
When I retired, I struggled with the same questions I faced after my wife passed - who am I, what do I want, and what should I do next? However, my experience as a caregiver provided me with valuable insights and answers. Rabbi Renee taught me the importance of giving love away, a critical lesson that helped me better understand myself and my desires. As a result, I am confident about moving forward.
