Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Three Strong Women

Three Strong Women

Three Strong Women by Marie NDiaye is a novel that focuses on three women who say no. Winner of the coveted Prix Goncourt, the first by a black woman, Marie NDiaye, creates a luminous narrative triptych as harrowing as beautiful. With lyrical intensity, Marie NDiaye masterfully evokes the relentless denial of dignity, to say nothing of happiness, in these lives caught between Africa and Europe. I highly recommend this novel.

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Kindness to Strangers

Kindness to Strangers

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!Being kind and gentle has always been used to describe me. Those two attributes are in my DNA.

Since Jan died, I have become more focused on kindness and gentlemanliness.

My friend Chris who owns Ambeli’s, the best greek restaurant, introduces me to other patrons as the most refined gentlemen he knows.

I wish people a nice day or pleasant evening on my morning walks and evening strolls. I do not know the walkers I pass, but I want to share a positive message.

One of Chris’s staff calls me Dr. Love because I share a positive attitude. Yesterday I was wearing my Bridges t-shirt, and Chris said,

You are building bridges and connecting us!

In my life, especially after Jan’s death, strangers have helped me. I am kind to others to repay those who helped me.

I am a good friend and neighbor. I am not sure Dr. Love is the appropriate nickname. I only want to connect and help others. Since Jan died, I no longer have anyone to love me.

Even unloved, I will remain kind to strangers, family, and friends.

The love Jan and I shared will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Kindness is My Secret Power

For most of my life, the adjective used to describe me was “nice.” I am “nice,” but it does not accurately describe who I am. It explains how I act and not who I am. It is also about maintaining the status quo. As Leigh Green writes, To do kindness is to invest in the […]
Reinvention

Life’s Next Chapter Writer’s Block?

Jan and Richard Lovers ForeverFor the last year, I have spent countless hours contemplating the next chapter of my life.

However, I have not yet written a single sentence in that chapter.

Jan and I had fulfilling lives before we met, and together, our love transformed our lives and allowed us to live a rewarding life together.

Jan’s spirit is still with me, but I must write the next chapter of my life alone.

As much as I know I must write this new chapter; I cannot begin to outline the next period of my life.

I know that I am helping other widows and am writing a long love letter to Jan, but how are those helping to define my future?

The question of who I am should be easy, but the answer is as cloudy as my widow brain.

Each day I take steps into the unknown future. Even with Jan by my side, I cannot reinvent myself.

The love Jan and I shared will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month are matched dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Second Chapter or a New Chapter of Life?

I can manage my grief even though I know that the suffering will never diminish in either size or impact. This quote by Helen Keller helped me define who I am without Jan. “What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” Is it a new […]
Road Trip in a Tuxedo

How Long Can You Cry?

Walking With Jan's Spirit!

Jan and RichardLast Sunday, I visited Jan’s grave at Beth Israel Cemetery, which I do regularly.

While driving there, I listened to an episode of This American Life on WNYC called “Road Trip in a Tuxedo,” featuring an interview with the late George Burns conducted by Margy Rochlin.

During the interview portion, I heard George talk about the loss of his wife, Gracie. I was struck by his question about how long someone can cry. Since Jan’s death, I’ve shed many tears, but I know that crying won’t bring her back. Jan and I had a wonderful life together, but hers ended too soon.

Now, instead of dwelling on my sadness, I’m trying to reinvent myself. I walk to clear my head and write about Jan to keep her memory alive. I also read a lot, hoping to find guidance for my journey. But I still need to figure out exactly who I will become. All I can do is walk with Jan’s spirit beside me and move forward.

I remember what George Burns said in the interview:

What would you do if somebody died? You sit home and cry? How long can you cry? Cry for two hours? You cry. And you cry, and you cry. Finally, there are no more tears. Now you go to work. And you feel bad. Every time you come home, you feel bad because Gracie isn’t there.

Jan and I shared a great love; even though she’s gone, that love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month are matched dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Who Am I Today?

We are often asked to remember the most important person in our lives.

Jan has been and always will be my answer. Her love transformed my life. If we had not met and fallen in love, I would not be who I am today.

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The Magic of Dream Makers!

The Magic of Dream Makers!

Rabbi Dr. Renee Edelman

Photo Courtesy of Kevin Papa

One of the most unique and unexpected experiences on my grief journey has been all of those I have met or have strengthened connections with.

I have met dozens of widows, none of whom I would have met if Jan were still alive.

Thanks to  Dr. Rabbi Renee Edelman, my faith in God has grown stronger.

I have met new friends who helped me move or traveled to the flower show.

As Brooke Hampton writes, these new relationships with people inspire me with their magic.

Surround yourself with the risk takers, storytellers, creators, truth seekers, artists, adventurers, and dream makers, but mostly surround yourself with the people who draw that same magic out of you.

Where would I be without the risk takers, dream makers, and storytellers I have met on my grief journey?

Love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month are matched dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Flower Show 2022 With Friends

Jan and I always enjoyed the Philadelphia Flower Show. During hospice, Jan encouraged me to go. I drove to Philly alone but could not attend due to fire and rain; I successfully participated this year with my good friends Ron and Deborah.

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Kindness Heals My Soul!

Kindness Heals My Soul!

Final HugsI have a lot of work to do if kindness is the highest form of intelligence.

It is not that I have not preferred kindness over meanness; it is that I can and must be kinder.

Many people have seen my focus on kindness as a sign of weakness. Being kind and friendly seemed to encourage friends and foes to take advantage of me.

Despite their efforts to use my kindness to their advantage, I will not stop being kind.

On my never-ending grief journey, kindness has been a strength that has helped me live this chapter of my life without Jan.

Love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month are matched dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Kindness Repairs the World

I am on a journey without Jan physically with me. However, the portion of her soul that I have always had is still with me.

I do what I can to help others in my grief groups, community, and day-to-day life.

Each act of kindness repairs the world and gives my life meaning and purpose.

Resilience Despite Exhaustion

Resilience Despite Exhaustion!

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!I have always believed that I am a very resilient person. Jan’s love improved my resilience.

Even on the darkest days, I could pick myself up, dust off the dirt, and keep going.

Having survived the summer heat waves, I was sure I would be able to weather any storms.

For some reason, I have found myself more exhausted than ever, and my capacity to manage my grief and live life thoroughly is in doubt.

Reading David Brooks in the NY Times this morning, I was reminded of the late Frederick Buechner‘s quote on faith.

Faith is homesickness. Faith is a lump in the throat. Faith is less a position on than a movement toward.

Perhaps instead of exhaustion, I miss Jan as if I were a homesick first-year college student. The lump in my throat keeps me from focusing on the prize.

One day at a time, I bounce back from life’s unfair roadblocks and continue my grief journey of love and faith.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Dust Myself Off and Start Over

Jan and I believed in the message in the lyrics by Nat King Cole,

Pick yourself up... Take a deep breath... Dust yourself off And start all over again.

I am reminded of those words as I approach the final hours of my move to a smaller apartment.

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Three Strong Women

Read: August 2022

Three Strong Women

by Marie NDiaye

Three Strong Women by Marie NDiaye is a novel that focuses on three women who say no. Winner of the coveted Prix Goncourt, the first by a black woman, Marie NDiaye, creates a luminous narrative triptych as harrowing as beautiful. With lyrical intensity, Marie NDiaye masterfully evokes the relentless denial of dignity, to say nothing of happiness, in these lives caught between Africa and Europe. I highly recommend this novel.

John Fletcher translated the Kindle version.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

This is the story of three women who say no: Norah, a French-born lawyer who finds herself in Senegal, summoned by her estranged, tyrannical father to save another victim of his paternity; Fanta, who leaves a modest but contented life as a teacher in Dakar to follow her white boyfriend back to France, where his delusional depression and sense of failure poison everything; and Khady, an impoverished widow put out by her husband’s family with nothing but the name of a distant cousin (the Fanta above) who lives in France, a place Khady can scarcely conceive of but toward which she must now take desperate flight.

With lyrical intensity, Marie NDiaye masterfully evokes the relentless denial of dignity, to say nothing of happiness, in these lives caught between Africa and Europe. We see with stunning emotional exactitude how ordinary women discover unimagined reserves of strength, even as their humanity is chipped away. Three Strong Women admits to an immigrant experience rarely, if ever, examined in fiction, but even more into the depths of the suffering heart.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month are matched dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Kindness to Strangers
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Reinvention
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Road Trip in a Tuxedo
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The Magic of Dream Makers!
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Kindness Heals My Soul!
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Resilience Despite Exhaustion
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Murder Bimbo

Read: February 2026

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Murder Bimbo: A Novel

by Rebecca Novack

Murder Bimbo by Rebecca Novack delivers a thrilling, unpredictable tale of a sex worker who morphs into a political assassin, thrust into a high-stakes game of survival. This captivating story weaves together elements of deception, murder, and the complexities of today’s political landscape, offering readers a fresh, gripping perspective that keeps them on the edge of their seats.

The protagonist, a thirty-two-year-old sex worker, is taken by surprise when undercover government agents approach her to assist in a top-secret plot to assassinate a politician known as Meat Neck. However, after the assassination, she realizes the harsh truth: she has been deemed 100% disposable.

Now holed up in an off-the-grid cabin in the woods, she has only two days, her wits, and a laptop to save her own life.

Her best chance is to reach out to the popular feminist investigative podcast, Justice for Bimbos. In a series of hastily typed emails, the newly dubbed Murder Bimbo reveals how she was recruited and trained by a group of covert U.S. agents to eliminate Meat Neck.

Next, she opens a new email addressed to her ex, where the facts present a different narrative.

Structured in three increasingly unhinged acts, each offering a more subversive version of the story than the last, Murder Bimbo is simultaneously a thrilling literary work, a satirical manifesto for vigilantes, or a raucous commentary on the political madness we experience daily. Regardless, it serves as a serious announcement of an electrifying new voice in American literature.


Rebecca Novack grew up in the Rocky Mountains. She has a master’s in theological studies from Harvard Divinity School.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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Grand Rapids: A Novel

Read: January 2026

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Grand Rapids: A Novel

by Natasha Stagg

Natasha Stagg‘s “Grand Rapids” is a coming-of-age story set in the Michigan suburbs in the early 2000s. Alexander Calder’s public sculpture, “La Grande Vitesse”, installed alongside the Grand River in downtown Grand Rapids, has become a symbol of the city. Tess moved there from Ypsilanti, Michigan, in 2001—the same year her mother passed away, marking the beginning of a time when everything felt like it was moving in slow motion for her.

Thrust into adolescence nearly rudderless, fifteen-year-old Tess is intoxicated, angsty, and sexually awake. A decade later, inspired by diary entries and TV reruns, she remembers this summer in the suburbs as the one that redefined her. Its echoes of death are frozen in time, like the waves represented in Calder’s sculpture or the concrete steps leading down to the churning river. She sees Grand Rapids as a collection of architecture and emblems, another home to which she cannot return.


Natasha Stagg is the author of Surveys: A Novel (2016), Sleeveless: Fashion, Image, Media, New York 2011–2019 (2019), and Artless: Stories 2019–2023 (2023). She lives in New York City.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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Neruda on the Park: A Novel

Read: May 2023

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Neruda on the Park: A Novel

by Cleyvis Natera

Neruda on the Park is a novel by Cleyvis Natera that beautifully depicts the complexities of family, friendship, and ambition. The story highlights the community’s efforts to protect their neighborhood amidst the gentrification and the tension between a mother and her daughter.

The Guerreros have lived in Nothar Park, a Dominican neighborhood in New York City, for twenty years. When a neighboring tenement faces demolition, Eusebia, an elder of the community, takes matters into her own hands and devises a series of increasingly dangerous schemes to halt the construction of luxury condos. Meanwhile, Eusebia’s daughter, Luz, a rising associate at a Manhattan law firm, becomes distracted by a passionate romance with the handsome white developer working on the project her mother opposes.

As Luz’s father, Vladimir, designs their retirement home in the Dominican Republic, mother and daughter clash, escalating tensions in Nothar Park and leading to a near-fatal climax. Overall, Neruda on the Park is a captivating story that weaves a rich, vivid tapestry of community and sacrifice to protect what matters most.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Aftermirth

Read: August 2022

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Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan

by Hillary Jordan

Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan is a book about grief as the two protagonists take a road trip that is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their suffering and others, and then beyond it, to a place of peace and laughter. I had just finished reading When She Woke by Ms. Jordan and having enjoyed that book, reading a second one by the same author seemed reasonable.

When I selected this short novel to read, I questioned if it was a good choice for me.

I found it easier to read and, in some ways, helpful. It was like meeting fellow widows from my Zoom grief groups in person at Camp Widow. The ability to laugh about our loss and cry openly is essential to meeting fellow benefits.

Michael Larssen, the narrator, raised a question I have not and still do not want to consider. What if I am still alive, Jan was a great love but is not the love of my life?

“You can’t know that he was the love of your life, and do you know why? Because guess what, you aren’t dead yet. You may feel dead right now, and believe me I’ve been there, but the fact is, until you’re lying under a tombstone of your own you can’t be sure about anything. You could prick your finger on one of your roses tomorrow, and as you’re climbing the stairs to get a Band-Aid, you trip over one of the pugs and tumble to your death. Or you could meet a man in the checkout line at the grocery store–hell, you could meet a woman even and fall madly in love with her and end up with six kids and twenty grandkids. Michael looks over at Elena, then back at George. You just don’t know, George. That’s the thing. None of us does.”— Aftermirth (Kindle Single) by Hillary Jordan

Despite my anxiety about considering this disturbing question, I highly recommend Aftermirth by Hillary Jordan.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

I stopped being funny the day my wife was electrocuted by her underwire bra.” So begins “Aftermirth,” a dark comedy that explores the absurdity of death through the eyes of thirty-one-year-old comedian, writer, and actor Michael Larssen. What is funny to the rest of the world is devastating to Michael, who loves his wife deeply, exceptionally her bright, rippling, abandoned laughter, which captivated him from the first time he heard it. In the aftermath of her death, he loses his sense of humor and his career.

Then, after two years of mourning her, he sees an article in the paper about a factory worker named Julio Santiago who fell into a giant vat of dough and was kneaded to death. For reasons Michael doesn’t understand, he decides to go to the man’s wake. There he meets and bonds with Julio’s twenty-nine-year-old daughter Elena, a law student who is reeling from her father’s unexpected and preposterous death.

Three months later, she calls him out of the blue and suggests that the two of them drive to North Carolina to speak with another survivor like themselves Elena has found on the Internet. Their road trip is a darkly funny journey of healing that takes them deep into the heart of their grief and others and then beyond it to a place of peace and laughter.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Ten Year Affair

Read: November 2025

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The Ten Year Affair

by Erin Somers

The Ten Year Affair” by Erin Somers is a witty and emotionally charged exploration of marriage, family life, and the paths not taken, ultimately asking: Do we really want our fantasies to come true? This hilariously sharp novel weaves a sliding doors narrative around a chance meeting between two young parents, both happily married (just not to each other), that sparks a will-they-won’t-they romance—perfect for fans of “Big Swiss” and “Acts of Service.”

When Cora meets Sam at a baby group in their small town, the chemistry between them is undeniable. Both are content in their marriages and have two kids, and neither sees themselves as the type to engage in an affair. Yet, their connection deepens, and as their lives intertwine, the romantic tension becomes all-consuming—until their worlds unravel into two parallel timelines. In one, they pursue their feelings; in the other, they resist.

As reality splits, the everyday details of Cora’s life—her unfulfilling marketing job, her daughter’s newfound fascination with the afterlife, and her husband’s obsession with podcasts about the history of rope—gain fresh perspective. The intersecting and diverging timelines blur the boundaries between reality and fantasy, questioning what might have been and what truly matters.


Erin Somers is a reporter and news editor at Publishers Lunch. Her debut novel, “Stay Up with Hugo Best“, was recognized as a Vogue Best Book of the Year in 2019. Her work has appeared in esteemed publications such as The New Yorker, The Paris Review, The New York Times Book Review, The New Republic, New York magazine, The Atlantic, Esquire, GQ, and Best American Short Stories, among others.

Somers has received an Emerging Writer Fellowship from the NYC Center for Fiction, a fellowship from the Millay Colony, and was a finalist for a National Magazine Award in 2020. She resides in New York’s Hudson Valley with her family.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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All Fours: A Novel

Read: May 2024

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All Fours: A Novel

by Miranda July

Today, I started reading All Fours: A Novel by Miranda July. A semi-famous artist announces her plan to drive cross-country from LA to NY. Thirty minutes after leaving her husband and child at home, she spontaneously exits the freeway, checks into a nondescript motel, and immerses herself in an entirely different journey.

Miranda July’s second novel, a testament to her unique approach to fiction, confirms the brilliance of her storytelling. With July’s wry voice, perfect comic timing, unabashed curiosity about human intimacy, and palpable delight in pushing boundaries, All Fours tells the story of one woman’s quest for a new kind of freedom. Part absurd entertainment, part tender reinvention of the sexual, romantic, and domestic life of a forty-five-year-old female artist, All Fours transcends expectation while excavating our beliefs about life as a woman. Once again, July hijacks the familiar and turns it into something new and thrillingly, profoundly alive.



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