Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

1239 Posts Likes
May My Tears Water Jan's Garden

May My Tears Water Jan’s Garden

Jan the GardenerAs much as grief is in my rearview mirror, I have cried a lot this year and admit that tears will flow freely and often in 2023.

My tears are not from grief but from missing Jan.

To say she was the love of my life is both true and a severe understatement.

Missing Jan is different than mourning her death.

As I seek to live my life more fully, I will miss her even more.

Her absence becomes more acute, although Jan’s spirit is still with me and always will be.

I pray I can collect my tears and carry them the thousand-forty steps to the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park.

If granted that power, I will water the garden with my tears, so the flowers bloom with Jan’s love.

My love for Jan will never die; it will only grow stronger daily.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Jan’s Memorial Garden

Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park including installing the Wind Sculpture.

Be the Shamash!

Be the Shamash!

Be the Shamash!I have lit the Shamas and the first night Chanukah candle for the second year alone!

Rabbi Renee has challenged members of our congregation to be the Shamash so that our light can make a difference in the light of others.

Last year, I could not have been the light for anyone, as I waited until the last moment, believing I would find the Hanukkah and the candles.

All I found was the battery-operated Hanukkiah. It worked, but the light was not the same.

The flickering translucent light from this year’s Hanukkiah fills my dark home with warmth unobtainable by the tiny light bulbs I used last year.

I installed last year’s plastic hanukkiah in the third-floor window facing Alden Street.

As the light blue candles melt, I am unsure I can be a light for myself, much less for others.

The best I can do is channel Jan’s smile and share her love with family, friends, and others.

May the light of this year’s Chanukah give me the strength to be a light for others by the end of 2023.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Chanukkah Lights

Tonight is the first night of Chanukkah, the Jewish Festival of Lights, and it is another first without Jan, the light of my life.

As I light the candles, I think of this quote by Suzanne Fields,

Chanukkah is about the spark of the divine in all of us made in God's image.

Grief in the Rear View Mirror

Grief in the Rear View Mirror

Jan and Richard

Jan and Richard, March 2019

I miss Jan every moment of the day.

However, I am no longer in grief.

I have wanted to shout that from the mountain or rooftop, but I have no access to either option.

Jan’s diagnosis of Lymphoma to her death was twenty months.

I have traveled almost as long since she died as I did being her caregiver.

The grief journey was long and arduous. I arrived at the end of that journey and found multiple exit ramps.

When we remember those we have lost, one of our readings at Temple Sha’arey Shalom summarizes my chosen pathway.

We do our best homage to our dead when we live our lives more fully, even in the shadow of our loss.

I will be grateful to Jan for her love and support as long as I live.

Grief may be behind me, but I will shed enough tears for the rest of my life to fill the Great Lakes.

I also know she will be with me during my next life phase.

Our love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Grief is a Great Teacher

As I pray every week at Temple Sha'arey Shalom, when we remember those we lost in this passage, one of our readings is: "Grief is a great teacher when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort those who, like ourselves, are bowed with sorrow. We learn when to keep silent in their presence and when a word will assure them of our love and concern."

Show thread (1)

Lighting a Candle for Jan!

Lighting a Candle for Jan!

Jan LilienChanukah begins tomorrow evening.

I will light the candles for eight nights alone, even though Jan is still with me and always will be.

Today, in my Saturday grief support group, we did a candle-lighting memorial service.

My voice quivered like a broken guitar string.

But I spoke Jan’s name and expressed gratitude for her love and support.

I read a poem by Mary Alice Ramish before we lit our candles.

Those we love remain with us for love itself lives on,
and cherished memories never fade because a loved one’s gone.
Those we love can never be more than a thought apart,
far as long as there is memory, they’ll live on in the heart.

Jan has been embedded in my heart since the day we met.

When I kissed her on the top of her head, it was a message that our love would never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Remembering Jan Lilien

Jan's legacy will not be what she achieved in her lifetime, but the dozens and dozens of people she inspired and empowered to continue that work.
The Candy House

The Candy House: A Novel

The Candy House: A Novel by Jennifer Egan focuses on a new technology that allows you access to every memory you've ever had and to share your memories in exchange for access to the memories of others—it has seduced multitudes. According to the NYTimes, "this is minimalist maximalism. As a widow, I live in a world of memories, but I would not want them shared as they are in The Candy House. "It's as if Egan compressed a big 19th-century novel onto a flash drive."

Read book review Get this book All books

Soaked to the Bone

Soaked to the Bone

Jan and Oscar

Jan always worried that my commitment to walking every day would endanger me.

Rainy and snowy days were of most significant concern.

When Superstorm Sandy‘s eye landed, I walked our dog, Oscar.

Transformers were flickering off, and even though it was not raining much, the wind gusts wet Oscar and me from head to toe.

Today, I was soaked to the bones from a light but steady shower.

Returning home, I had to toss my sweats into the dryer along with my socks.

Although I am safe and sound, I accept that one day, I may not be able to walk in inclement weather.

My morning walk was shorter than most, only five miles.

I walk daily for mental and physical health.

Walking clears my head and allows me to remember Jan’s love.

I will be grateful for her love and support as long as I live.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Raindrops on My Head!

Today's walk was into two unequal timeframes.

The lingering showers of Tropical Storm Nicole had, I thought, played out overnight.

The tropical rain drenched me like a wet mop less than five minutes from home.

My desire to continue on the route undeterred by Mother Nature became impossible.

Jan always worried if I could adjust to circumstances beyond my control.

What if the weather turned on a dime, and you could not return home to me?

A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture

Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter December Issue

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!The December issue of Sharing Jan’s Love Newsletter includes articles on:

True Love Never Dies – “Relationships can die, but true love never does. I wear my wedding ring because I still love her. That is my only answer.”

The post is about our love, faith, and family journey. However, dear reader, this is a change from my prior posts. It is not memories of Jan and the love we shared. It is an attempt at historical fiction. It is based on some events that occurred. It is not finished.

However, like all historical fiction, it asks the proverbial what-if questions. This story presumes that a frightening episode at the time had not strengthened our love and devotion.

The newsletter updates The Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden, including Jan’s Purple Wind Sculpture, both in Hanson Park. Please consider making a tax-deductible donation to The Jan Lilien Education Fund. I will match dollar-for-dollar.

Short stream posts on:

I have reviewed recent books:

  1. A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles
  2. Lucy by the Sea: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout
  3. On the Rooftop: A Novel by Margaret Wilkerson Sexton
  4. Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri.

Thanks! Best wishes for a healthy and happy holiday season!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Sharing Jan’s Love November Issue

The November issue includes articles on:

  1. Jan's Memorial Garden - Working with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we have taken significant steps in building Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden at Hanson Park, including a video of the installation of the Wind Sculpture, and
  2. The Promised Land - "What is my sweetheart thinking about," I asked as I kissed Jan's cheek. "I am happy to be with my husband in the promised land."

Both are stories about our love, faith, and the family's journey.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

May My Tears Water Jan's Garden
×
Be the Shamash!
×
Grief in the Rear View Mirror
×
Lighting a Candle for Jan!
×
The Candy House

Read: December 2022

Get this book

The Candy House: A Novel

by Jennifer Egan

The Candy House: A Novel by Jennifer Egan focuses on a new technology that allows you access to every memory you’ve ever had and to share your memories in exchange for access to the memories of others—it has seduced multitudes. According to the NYTimes, “this is minimalist maximalism. As a widow, I live in a world of memories, but I would not want them shared as they are in The Candy House. “It’s as if Egan compressed a big 19th-century novel onto a flash drive.”

Of course, I am not able to access my unconscious memories. Albeit in an amateur way, I write down some of my memories as they remind me of the power of the love that Jan and I shared. For example, the essay when I met Jan rekindles the memory and attempts to tell the story the way it happened, not how some would like it to be remembered.

The Candy House is one of the NYTimes’ top five fiction books of 2022. I have read two of them, The Furrows and Checkout 19. Initially, I was overwhelmed by the multitude of characters and was confused. By the novel’s middle, their interconnectedness helped me understand its real meaning. In the end, Egan delivers a fierce and exhilarating testament to the tenacity and transcendence of human longing for authentic connection, love, family, privacy, and redemption. As a widow, authenticity Is what I need to heal.

The Candy House is the seventieth (70) book I have read this year. 

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

It’s 2010. Staggeringly successful and brilliant tech entrepreneur Bix Bouton is desperate for a new idea. He’s forty, with four kids, and restless when he stumbles into a conversation with mostly Columbia professors, one of whom is experimenting with downloading or “externalizing” memory. Within a decade, Bix’s new technology, Own Your Unconscious—that allows you access to every memory you’ve ever had and to share every memory in exchange for access to the memories of others—has seduced multitudes. But not everyone.

In spellbinding linked narratives, Egan spins out the consequences of Own Your Unconscious through the lives of multiple characters whose paths intersect over several decades. Egan introduces these characters in an astonishing array of styles—from omniscient to first person plural to a duet of voices, an epistolary chapter, and a chapter of tweets. In the world of Egan’s spectacular imagination, there are “counters” who track and exploit desires and “eluders” who understand the price of taking a bite of the Candy House.

Intellectually dazzling and extraordinarily moving, The Candy House is a bold, brilliant imagining of a world that is moments away. With a focus on social media, gaming, and alternate worlds, you can almost experience moving among dimensions in a role-playing game.​ Egan delivers a fierce and exhilarating testament to the tenacity and transcendence of human longing for real connection, love, family, privacy, and redemption.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×
Soaked to the Bone
×
A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture
×
Lessons in Chemistry

Read: January 2023

Get this book

Lessons in Chemistry: A Novel

by Bonnie Garmus

Lessons in Chemistry: A Novel by Bonnie Garmus is a must-read book as it reimagines the gender dynamics of the 1950s and early 1960s. Elizabeth Zott, a chemist, struggles in a male-dominated world where her work is not taken seriously until she meets Calvin Evans. She describes their relationship, “Calvin and I were soulmates,” like Jan and I viewed ours.

What underlies their love affair was “a mutual respect for the other’s capabilities.” “Do you know how extraordinary that is?” she said. That a man would treat his lover’s work as seriously as his own?” Of course, every relationship should be based on the same dynamics, but even after seventy years, we still struggle to achieve equality in our society.

I highly recommend this novel. Reading the story, the Zott/Evans relationship reminded me of the love that Jan and I shared. I know that Jan would have loved this book.

Laugh-out-loud funny, shrewdly observant, and studded with a dazzling cast of supporting characters, Lessons in Chemistry is as original and vibrant as its protagonist. Like Jan, Elizabeth Zott, the protagonist, would be the first to point out that there is no such thing as an average woman. Chemist Elizabeth Zott is not your average woman.

Although Jan and Elizabeth had much in common, I felt Madeline (aka Mad), Elizabeth’s daughter, was Jan’s alter ego in this novel. Jan was smart and ahead of her classmates, just like Mad was. She was breaking barriers when she was Mad’s age.

I also connected to Six Thirty, the dog. Like Oscar, Six Thirty was more intelligent than the average dog.

Lessons in Chemistry has been the number one best-selling book in the New York Times for thirty-four weeks.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

It’s the early 1960s and Elizabeth Zott’s all-male team at Hastings Research Institute takes a very unscientific view of equality. Except for one: Calvin Evans, the lonely, brilliant, Nobel–prize-nominated grudge-holder who falls in love with—of all things—her mind. True chemistry results.

But like science, life is unpredictable. Which is why a few years later Elizabeth Zott finds herself not only a single mother, but the reluctant star of America’s most beloved cooking show Supper at Six. Elizabeth’s unusual approach to cooking (“combine one tablespoon acetic acid with a pinch of sodium chloride”) proves revolutionary. But as her following grows, not everyone is happy. Because as it turns out, Elizabeth Zott isn’t just teaching women to cook. She’s daring them to change the status quo.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×
Help Wanted: A Novel

Read: March 2024

Get this book

Help Wanted: A Novel

by Adelle Waldman

Today, I started reading Help Wanted: A Novel by Adelle Waldman. The best-selling author of The Love Affairs of Nathaniel writes a funny and eye-opening tale of work in contemporary America. The story revolves around the members of Team Movement, who work at the big-box store Town Square in a small upstate New York town.

They come in for their shift at 3:55 a.m. every day, and under the supervision of a self-absorbed and barely competent boss, they empty the day’s merchandise truck, stock the shelves, and leave before the store opens for customers.

Although their lives follow a familiar and grueling routine, their real problem is that Town Square needs to schedule them for more hours. As a result, most are barely getting by, even while working second or third jobs. When the store manager, Big Will, announces he is leaving, the members of the Movement spot an opportunity. They set a just-so-crazy-it-might-work plot in motion, hoping one of them might land a management job, providing stability and possibilities for advancement.

The members of Team Movement, including a comedy-obsessed oddball who acts half his age, a young woman trying to keep her “cool kid” status from high school, and a college football hopeful trying to find a new path, band together to achieve their goal. Adelle Waldman’s debut novel was a breakout sensation, and her long-awaited follow-up brings her unparalleled wit and astute social observation to modern, low-wage work. Help Wanted is a humane and darkly comic workplace caper that highlights the hardships low-wage workers face in today’s economy. It is a funny and moving tale of ordinary people trying to make a living.

×
Some Bright Nowhere

Read: November 2025

Get this book

Some Bright Nowhere

by Ann Packer

Ann Packer makes a triumphant return with a powerful novel, which is both tender and raw, visceral and unexpected. Emotionally vibrant and complex, Some Bright Nowhere explores the profound gifts and unforeseen costs of truly loving someone, as well as the fears and desires we experience as the end of life approaches. What if your partner’s dying wish broke your heart? How well do we know the deepest desires of those we love dearly?

The beloved bestselling author returns with her first novel in over a decade, offering an intimate and profoundly moving examination of a long marriage and how a startling request can change a couple’s understanding of themselves, both together and apart.

Eliot and his wife, Claire, have been happily married for nearly four decades. They raised two children in their quiet Connecticut town and have weathered the inevitable ups and downs of a long life together. However, eight years after Claire was diagnosed with cancer, the end is near, and it is time to gather loved ones and prepare for the inevitable.

Throughout Claire’s illness, Eliot has willingly—lovingly—taken on the role of caregiver, appreciating the intimacy and tenderness that come with this role, which is even more layered and complex than that of a devoted husband. But as he settles into what will be their last days and weeks together, Claire makes an unexpected request that leaves him reeling. In an instant, his carefully constructed world shatters.

As Eliot confronts this profound turning point in his marriage and his life, he grapples with the man and husband he has been, as well as the uncertainties of Claire’s final days.


Ann Packer is the author of five previous works of fiction, including the bestselling novels The Children’s Crusade and The Dive from Clausen’s Pier, which received the Kate Chopin Literary Award along with numerous other prizes and honors.

Her short stories have appeared in The New Yorker and the O. Henry Prize Stories anthologies, and her novels have been translated and published internationally. Packer divides her time between New York, the Bay Area, and Maine.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


×
Tom Lake

Read: August 2023

Get this book

Tom Lake: A Novel

by Ann Patchett

Today, I began reading Tom Lake by Ann Patchett. The novel beautifully explores family, love, and growing up. Patchett once again proves herself as one of America’s finest writers. Both hopeful and mournful, it explores happiness even when the world falls apart.

The story follows Lara’s three daughters as they return to the family’s orchard in Northern Michigan in the spring of 2020. While picking cherries, they ask their mother about Peter Duke, a famous actor with whom she had a romance years before at a theater company called Tom Lake.

As Lara reminisces, her daughters confront their own lives and relationships with their mother, leading them to reevaluate everything they thought they knew. With its hopeful and mournful tone, the novel is a testament to the transformative power of understanding what happiness truly means, even amid chaos. Patchett’s compelling narrative artistry and profound insights into family dynamics weave a rich and luminous story, showcasing why she is one of our time’s most revered and acclaimed literary talents.

I have also read Patchett’s Bel Canto, a compelling tale that explores themes of strength, vulnerability, love, and confinement. It ultimately tells an inspiring story of transcendent romance.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

Subscribe

Contact Us

I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



×
Good Material: A Novel

Read: December 2024

Get this book

Good Material: A Novel

by Dolly Alderton

Today, I started reading “Good Material: A Novel” by Dolly Alderton, the bestselling author of “Ghosts” and “Everything I Know About Love.” This book has been listed as one of The New York Times 100 Notable Books of 2024 and is among their 10 Best Books of 2024. So far, I have read three of the top five fiction books of 2024: “All Fours,” “James,” and “Martyr!.” I plan to read the fifth book, “You Dreamed of Empires,” next.

“Good Material” has received widespread acclaim for exploring heartbreak, friendship, and the various ways to cope with these experiences.

Andy loves Jen. Jen loved Andy. And he can’t work out why she stopped.

Now he is. . .

Without a home

Waiting for his stand-up career to take off

Wondering why everyone else around him seemed to have grown up while he wasn’t looking

Set adrift in the sea of heartbreak, Andy clings to the idea of solving the puzzle of his ruined relationship. Because if he can find the answer, Jen may find her way back to him. But Andy still has much to learn, not least his ex-girlfriend’s side of the story…

In this sharply funny and exquisitely relatable story of romantic disaster and friendship, Dolly Alderton offers up a love story with two endings, demonstrating again why she is one of the most exciting writers today and the authentic voice of a generation. Her writing feels like a conversation with a close friend, making you feel understood and seen.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


 

×
A Parish Chronicle

Read: February 2026

Get this book

A Parish Chronicle

by Halldór Laxness

In “A Parish Chronicle,” celebrated novelist Halldór Laxness weaves an essayistic tale about the unlikely miracles that keep a church—destined to disappear time and again—rooted on the same hillside. Laxness explores the minutiae of history, from the location of the ancient burial mound of national hero Egill Skallagrímsson to the end of the 19th century, where weak-sighted Ólafur and boisterous farmhand Gunna each play unexpected roles in the parish’s enduring survival.

1882. In the still of morning, Ólafur sharpens his scythe on the bone-dry pavestones that separate his farmhouse from the rest of Mosfell Valley, where life revolves around sheep. The sound of his hammer rings out like a high-pitched bell over the tussocky fields. Across the valley, perched on a hill that receives more sunshine than others, stands Mosfell Church. Nearby, the parish priest’s maid Gunna pours her “slosh,” a weak cup of coffee. Further afield in Reykjavík (“down south” as the locals say), the general assembly decides to revisit an old plan to cut costs by consolidating small parishes and calls for the demolition of Mosfell. Yet today a church stands on that same hillside—its sharp steeple silhouetted against the clouds, its crown bell hanging to the left of the altar.

This intimate tribute to life in Laxness‘s home valley also offers a thoughtful commentary on how the peculiarities of certain individuals can shape history. “A Parish Chronicle” is rich with life and detail.


Halldór Laxness (1902-1998) is the undisputed master of modern Icelandic fiction. He was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1955, “for his vivid epic power which has renewed the great narrative art of Iceland.” His body of work includes novels, essays, poems, plays, stories, and memoirs: more than sixty books in all. His works available in English include Independent People, The Fish Can Sing, World Light, Under the Glacier, Iceland’s Bell, and Paradise Reclaimed.

Philip Roughton has translated the work of Halldór Laxness, Jón Kalman Stefánsson, Kristín Marja Baldursdóttir, and many others. He has twice been awarded the American-Scandinavian Foundation Translation Prize for his renderings of Halldór Laxness‘s work, in 2001 for Iceland’s Bell and in 2015 for Wayward Heroes. He also received the 2016 Oxford-Weidenfeld Prize for his translation of Jón Kalman Stefánsson’s The Heart of Man. He lives in Iceland. Translator Residence: Akureyri, Iceland

Salvatore Scibona is the recipient of a Mildred and Harold Strauss Living Award from the American Academy of Arts and Letters. His first novel, The End, was a finalist for the National Book Award and winner of the Young Lions Fiction Award. His second novel, The Volunteer, was called a “masterpiece” by the New York Times and won the Ohioana Book Award. His books have been translated into ten languages. His work has won a Guggenheim Fellowship, a Pushcart Prize, an O. Henry Award, and a Whiting Award, and the New Yorker named him one of its “20 Under 40” fiction writers. He is the Sue Ann and John Weinberg Director of the Cullman Center for Scholars and Writers at the New York Public Library.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


×