Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Jan's Wind Sculpture Mesmerizes Friends

Jan’s Wind Sculpture Mesmerizes Friends

On Boxing Day, five friends visited me.

We had lunch and went to Hanson Park to view Jan’s Memorial Triangle Garden, including the Wind Sculpture.

Jan's Wind Sculpture Mesmerizes Friends

On a grief journey, friends are critical.

Since Jan’s Wind Sculpture was installed, I have had many people visit the park.

Most of them met me, and others went on their own.

In both cases, the comments were buoyant.

Today was the first time friends from one of my two support groups visited.

I enjoy having friends visit me, but having five people on a comparable journey was special.

I did not have to worry if I wept or could not speak.

Jan is still with me, but when I visit the park, her presence is more potent than anywhere else.

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Introducing my Friends to Jan

Last Saturday, five new friends who have also lost the love of their lives met me in Hanson Park.

I showed them the park and our plans and dreams for Jan's living memorial.

What moved my soul was that I could express my excitement and not worry that they would not understand.

Ho, Ho, Ho Miracles Are Real

Ho, Ho, Ho Miracles Are Real

Jan and Richard

Jan and I volunteered with the Montrose Volunteer Ambulance Squad in East Williamsburg when we first married.

Christmas Eve, especially in 1976, was the most challenging day to staff a crew.

I had grown up celebrating the holiday, but Jan had not. We volunteered for the overnight shift.

We started at 7 pm on Friday. Fortunately, we only had a few calls.

Sleeping in our clothes in the bunk beds in the basement was not ideal for a restful night.

As we left in the morning, snow flurries fluttered across Graham Avenue.

Across the street, we heard some chanting, “Ho, ho, ho, and a Merry Christmas!

Simultaneously, we saw a glimpse of a man with a red hat carrying a cloth bag filled with toys over his shoulders.

As our exhausted bodies floated across the empty streets to our apartment, it felt like miracles were possible.

Many may have waited for Santa Claus this morning or celebrated the birth of their savior.

Jan and I celebrated that day, and every day, we celebrated the miracle of life and the need to repair the world.

That night in the ambulance squad, we had been a light for those in need, not unlike the early morning Santa Claus.

Jan has been gone for almost twenty months. I miss her more than ever, but the memory from 1976 reminds me that I must light the candle not only on Chanukah but every day to be a light for others.

That is the miracle that gives life meaning and purpose.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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What About the Kids?

“How will you raise your children,” the Rabbi asked. Jan said we would decide when we had kids.
These Feet Were Made for Walking

These Feet Were Made for Walking

These Feet Were Made for WalkingOn Friday, the temperature for my morning walk was 55 degrees Fahrenheit.

Today was the polar opposite.

The reading on my Weather app was 5 Fahrenheit (-15 Celsius). With the wind, it felt like -13 Fahrenheit (-25 Celsius).

Yesterday, I walked 7.26 miles. Today I could only go 4.34 miles as nature, exacerbated by the cold, made an urgent call.

When Jan was alive, she would remind me that even the spy knew to come in from the cold.

Once the ice on my face melted, I retorted that Alec, the protagonist in John le Carré’s novel, was not fleeing arctic weather.

To paraphrase the Nancy Sintra hit, my feet were made for walking in the rain, cold, sleet, snow, or other stormy weather. I still cannot believe I have lost thirty-five pounds!

My walks remind me how much I love Jan, and each step soothes my soul and rekindles memories of how much she loved me.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Why I Walk Every Day

Even though grief is currently the main focus of my life, I have found comfort in taking walks. Walking helps me to clear my mind, stay physically active, and feel connected to my loved ones. Each step brings me closer to Jan, the love of my life, and reminds me that love never dies; it can be reignited with every step we take.

Remembering Our Unhoused Neighbors

Remembering Our Unhoused Neighbors

Remembering Our Unhoused Neighbors

Richard Uniacke of Bridges Outreach

The longest night of the year is the perfect time to remember our unhoused neighbors who died while living on the streets.

Jan and I would participate together in Homeless Persons’ Memorial Day.

Last night I attended my home county’s event at Zion Lutheran Church in Rahway.

Over the last decade, I have participated in many across NJ.

This was one of the best.

Hearing Richard Uniacke of Bridges Outreach speak about the critical lesson learned from the pandemic, housing is healthcare, was inspirational.

I last visited Zion Lutheran for a memorial in December 2019. Jan had lymphoma and was advised to stay home.

I called Jan when I arrived and when I left.

Albeit I parked in the same spot three years later, I could not call her.

I wish I could have spoken to Jan, but just as we have learned lessons on how to end homelessness, I continue to learn from grief.

Mourning has ended, and I need, in Jan’s honor, to be the Shamash and share her love and the light with the world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Homeless Persons’ Memorial Vigil

The Homeless Persons' Homeless Vigil was held on the year's longest night.

Jan and I would attend the Vigil together when she did not have another meeting.

Our life's work was to repair the world.

These events, indoors or outdoors, are always very emotional.

I wept on occasion and thought of how much I missed Jan.

The Power of Positive Thoughts

The Power of Positive Thoughts

Embracing Tomorrow with JanI have lived one day at a time most of my life, and since Jan died, living one hour at a time for the early part of my grief journey, I woke up not fully rested but very positive.

The arrival of the sandman has always been fleeting at best.

But I have always awakened to positive thoughts, albeit many of late have been dim and difficult to articulate.

Today my morning thoughts were decisive, specific, and effortless to implement.

With days left in the year, my thoughts as I lay in bed focused on what can I do to invest in the charities that mattered to Jan and me.

The short-term focus was on where to make the end-of-the-year donations.

In the long term, I focused on planning to distribute the modest estate Jan created.

Hopefully, these early morning dreams will resonate in the world and assist in repairing the globe.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Grief is a Great Teacher

As I pray every week at Temple Sha'arey Shalom, when we remember those we lost in this passage, one of our readings is: "Grief is a great teacher when it sends us back to serve and bless the living. We learn how to counsel and comfort those who, like ourselves, are bowed with sorrow. We learn when to keep silent in their presence and when a word will assure them of our love and concern."

What Losing Jan Has Taught Me

What Losing Jan Has Taught Me

Jan Lilien, the love of my lifeIf grief is in the rearview window, it is the result of what I have learned from losing the love of my life.

Before Jan’s death, I had convinced myself that I understood more than I did and was empathetic.

Oh, what little did I know?

When I was Jan’s caregiver, I began to learn how much I could do to help her.

Yet, when she died, I was in a pea soup and struggled to find my way.

Almost twenty months later, I genuinely believe my mourning period has ended.

I have learned more about what is meaningful and achievable.

I walk daily, write about Jan, love, and grief, and read more than ever.

Sharing Jan’s Love has become my mantra. When I give her love away, it returns to me stronger!

I have also learned to help others, both widows and non-widows.

As Arthur Schopenhauer said,

Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.

One day at a time, with Jan’s spirit with me, I will continue to grow and be a better person in the New Year.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Grief in the Rear View Mirror

I miss Jan every moment of the day.

However, I am no longer in grief.

I have wanted to shout that from the mountain or rooftop, but I have no access to either option.

Jan's diagnosis of Lymphoma to her death was twenty months.

I have traveled almost as long since she died as I did being her caregiver.

Demon Copperhead: A Novel

Demon Copperhead: A Novel

Demon Copperhead: A Novel by Barbara Kingsolver is a must-read page-turner! Set in the mountains of southern Appalachia, this is the story of a boy born to a teenage single mother in a single-wide trailer, with no assets beyond his dead father's good looks and copper-colored hair, a caustic wit, and a fierce talent for survival. Demon Copperhead speaks for a new generation of lost boys and all those born into beautiful, cursed places they can't imagine leaving behind.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Jan's Wind Sculpture Mesmerizes Friends
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Ho, Ho, Ho Miracles Are Real
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These Feet Were Made for Walking
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Remembering Our Unhoused Neighbors
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The Power of Positive Thoughts
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What Losing Jan Has Taught Me
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Demon Copperhead: A Novel

Read: December 2022

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Demon Copperhead: A Novel

by Barbara Kingsolver

Demon Copperhead: A Novel by Barbara Kingsolver is a must-read page-turner! Set in the mountains of southern Appalachia, this is the story of a boy born to a teenage single mother in a single-wide trailer, with no assets beyond his dead father’s good looks and copper-colored hair, a caustic wit, and a fierce talent for survival. Demon Copperhead speaks for a new generation of lost boys and all those born into beautiful, cursed places they can’t imagine leaving behind.

With more knowledge about the devastation of an economy that works for a few and the opioid crisis, I felt as if I was reading about people I knew. Although the book focuses on the impact on boys, it also details the devastation that girls experience.

If Jan had read Demon Copperhead, she would have encouraged me to read it. It reminds us of the work we must do to repair the world.

As a widow, it was a reminder of the long road that we must all take even after we have hit bottom.

WNYC’s All of it hosted an interview with Barbara Kingsolver in which she speaks about Demon Copperhead and her writing.

Demon Copperhead is one of the NYTimes’ top five fiction books of 2022. I have read three of them, The Candy House, The Furrows, and Checkout 19.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

In a plot that never pauses for breath, relayed in his unsparing voice, he braves the modern perils of foster care, child labor, derelict schools, athletic success, addiction, disastrous loves, and crushing losses. Through all of it, he reckons with his invisibility in a popular culture where even the superheroes have abandoned rural people in favor of cities.

Many generations ago, Charles Dickens wrote David Copperfield from his experience as a survivor of institutional poverty and its damage to children in his society. Those problems have yet to be solved in ours. Dickens is not a prerequisite for readers of this novel, but he provided its inspiration. In transposing a Victorian epic novel to the contemporary American South, Barbara Kingsolver enlists Dickens’ anger and compassion and, above all, his faith in the transformative powers of a good story. Demon Copperhead speaks for a new generation of lost boys and all those born into beautiful, cursed places they can’t imagine leaving behind.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Heart the Lover

Read: October 2025

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Heart the Lover

by Lily King

“Heart the Lover” by Lily King, the bestselling author of “Writers & Lovers,” is a beautifully intimate novel that explores themes of desire, friendship, and the lasting impact of first love. It renewed my belief that love is the most potent force in the world. Wise and unforgettable, with a delightful connection to “Writers & Lovers,” this is King at her best, solidifying her reputation as a masterful chronicler of the human experience and one of the finest novelists writing today.

You knew I’d write a book about you someday.

Our narrator has a deep understanding of good love stories—their secrets, subtext, highs, and lows. However, her most incredible love story, which she experienced herself, does not adhere to the conventional rules.

In the fall of her senior year in college, she meets two star students from her 17th-century Literature class: Sam and Yash. These best friends, who live off campus in the elegant house of a professor on sabbatical, invite her into their captivating world of academic enthusiasm, quick-witted banter, and lively card games. They nickname her Jordan, and she quickly discovers the joys of friendship, love, and her own intellectual ambition. Yet, youthful passion is unpredictable, and before long, she finds herself at the center of a complex and charged triangle. As graduation approaches, the choices made will alter the lives of the three of them forever.

Decades later, the vulnerable days of Jordan’s youth seem comfortably behind her. However, when a surprise visit and unexpected news bring the past crashing into the present, she returns to the world she left behind and must confront the decisions and deceptions of her younger self.

Written with the sharp wit and emotional sensitivity that fans and critics of Lily King admire, Heart the Lover is a profoundly moving love story that celebrates literature, forgiveness, and the transformative bonds that shape our lives.


Lily King is a bestselling author on the New York Times list, known for her six novels, including Euphoria and Writers & Lovers, as well as a collection of short stories titled Five Tuesdays in Winter. Her writing has garnered several prestigious awards, including the Kirkus Prize, the New England Book Award for Fiction, the Maine Book Award for Fiction, and a Whiting Award. Her books are read worldwide in twenty-eight different languages. She resides in Portland, Maine.



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Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel

Read: September 2022

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Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel

Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel by Michael Stephen Daigle is the fifth and best Frank Nagler Novel.

Like many of us living in the Garden State, Detective Frank Nagler has seen his hometown of Ironton, NJ, undergo many changes over the past several years. Although I want to believe the level of scandal in Ironton is more fictional than typical. The author describes the scandals within the city’s government, the stench of its corruption embedded deep, rivaling the dank stagnant stench emanating from the old bog just outside town.

From the opening sentence, Dragony Rising was a page-turner. Every time I thought I could put the book down, it beckoned me to keep reading.

I highly recommend this book, especially if you like mysteries with a unique New Jersey focus. My only recommendation would be for the series to be named the Lauren Fox/Frank Nagler novels. Lauren is as much the brains of the operation as Frank.

I have read several Frank Nagler novels-A Game Called Dead, The Swamps of Jersey-and have been waiting for this one to be published.

The author’s summary provides a good overview.

Detective Frank Nagler is recalled from medical leave to lead an investigation into the bombing.

He finds a shadowy organization called The Dragony, whose roots go back to the early days of Ironton’s manufacturing and mining history, a history involving Nagler’s family in strange ways.

He also finds a decades-old conspiracy designed not just to enrich the Dragony leaders but to threaten the existence of Ironton itself.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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The Houseboat

Read: February 2023

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The Houseboat: A Novel

by Dane Bahr

The Houseboat: A Novel by Dane Bahr was one of 6 New Paperbacks to Read This Week in The New York Times. Miguel Salazar of the Times described it as “A girl claims her boyfriend has been murdered outside a small town in Iowa, and although no body is found, collective suspicion lands on a loner who lives in a rotting houseboat along the Mississippi River. Through chapters that shift in perspective and move through time, Bahr builds to a nail-biting denouement.”

Edward Nese, the regional marshall from Minnesota, was a character that I could identify with, as he was widowed but still married. Of course, in the early 1960s, I was still a middle school student and would probably have been freighted by The Houseboat. 

I recommend this true crime novel. Until the last page, you will be unsure how it will end.

After reading non-fiction history about the assassination of President Garfield, I needed a change of genre.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

James Sallis meets Mindhunter in this stylish and atmospheric noir set in a small town in Iowa in the 1960s, a midcentury heartland gothic with plentiful twists and a feverish conclusion.

Local outcast Rigby Sellers lives in squalor on a dilapidated houseboat on the Mississippi River. With only stolen manikins and the river to keep him company, Rigby spirals from the bizarre to the threatening. As a year of drought gives way to a season of storms, a girl is found trembling on the side of the road, claiming her boyfriend was murdered. The nearby town of Oscar turns its suspicions toward Sellers.

Town sheriff Amos Fielding knows this crime is more than he can handle alone. He calls on the regional marshall in Minnesota, and detective Edward Ness arrives in Oscar to help him investigate the homicide and defuse the growing unrest. Ness, suffering from his demons, is determined to put his past behind him and solve the case. But soon, more bodies are found. As Ness and Fielding uncover disturbing facts about Sellers, and a great storm floods the Mississippi, threatening the town, Oscar is pushed to a breaking point even Ness may not be able to prevent.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Impossible to Forget

Read: January 2022

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Impossible to Forget

by Imogen Clark

Impossible to Forget by Imogen Clark is a poignant novel from the bestselling author of Where the Story Starts, an extraordinary final wish that brings five lives together forever.

Just turned eighteen, Romany is on the cusp of taking her first steps into adulthood when tragedy strikes, and she finds herself suddenly alone without her mother, Angie, the only parent she has ever known. In her final letter, Angie has charged her four closest friends with guiding Romany through her last year of school—but is there an ulterior motive to her unusual dying wish?

When I started reading the book’s initial chapters on Amazon, I found myself in an unexpected page-turner. I had been looking for a relaxing read and instead found a novel that is truly impossible to forget.

The book’s premise that a mother would assign her four closest friends to shared guardianship of her daughter is an unusual answer to a question that Jan and I often debated. Who would we designate to raise our children if something had happened to us? If only we could have had the imagination of Angie and her belief that this strange arrangement would be the answer.

Three of the friends were ones that Angie met at University.

  • Maggie, an attorney, is designated to focus on the tasks that need order.
  • Leon is given the culture assignment, although he has denied his talents.
  • Tiger, a nomad, is in charge of travel.

The fourth guardian, Hope, a former model, is in charge of relationships. But none of the others know her or why Angie would assign her that portfolio.

I very much enjoyed reading this novel. However, despite knowing it is about Angie’s death, I did not expect to find myself weeping uncontrollably in the closing chapters as Romany grapples with the beneficial outcomes of her mum’s plans.

Goodreads provides this overview.

As the guardians reflect on their friendship with Angie, it becomes apparent that this unusual arrangement is as much about them as it is about Romany. Navigating their grief individually and as a group, what will all five of them learn about themselves, their pasts—and the woman who’s brought them all together?

I recommend this book without reservation.

Impossible to Forget is the second time I have gotten a book from Amazon First Reads. Impossible to Forget is not scheduled to be published until February 1, 2022.

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The Mango Tree: A Memoir of Fruit, Florida, and Felony

Read: April 2024

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The Mango Tree

by Annabelle Tometich

Today, I started reading Annabelle Tometich‘s The Mango Tree: A Memoir of Fruit, Florida, and Felony. The Mango Tree is not just a memoir but a profoundly emotional family saga. It takes us through the complexities of Annabelle’s life, from her childhood in a house filled with balikbayan boxes, vegetation, and luscious mangoes to her journey from aspiring medical student to restaurant critic.

It is a tribute to her fellow Filipino Americans, her younger self, and the mango tree symbolizing her family. Above all, it is a heartfelt homage to Annabelle’s mother, Josefina, who carved out a life and a home without whom Annabelle would not be who she is.

When journalist Annabelle Tometich picked up the phone one June morning, she wasn’t expecting a collect call from an inmate at the Lee County Jail. And when she accepts, she certainly isn’t prepared to hear her mother’s voice on the other end of the line. However, explaining the situation to her younger siblings afterward was easy; all she had to say was, “Mom shot at some guy. He was messing with her mangoes.” They immediately understood. Answering the questions of the breaking news reporter—at the same newspaper where Annabelle worked as a restaurant critic––proved more difficult. Annabelle decided to go with a variation of the truth: it was complicated.

Thus commences The Mango Tree, a memoir that deftly weaves a tapestry of a mixed-race Filipina’s life in suburban Florida. Annabelle’s journey is not linear but a series of interconnected stories that delve into her upbringing, her father’s tragic demise, her mother’s longing for her homeland, and her quest for identity.

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A Sovereign People: The Crises of the 1790s and the Birth of American Nationalism

Read: February 2019

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A Sovereign People: The Crises of the 1790s and the Birth of American Nationalism

by Carol Berkin

A Sovereign People: The Crises of the 1790s and the Birth of American Nationalism by Carol Berkin, Presidential Professor American Colonial and Revolutionary History; Women’s History Professor at Baruch College, focuses on four crises in the first decade. Most historians view these are part of the early partisan debates in America.

Professor Berkin takes a different perspective. She focuses on how the Whiskey Rebellion, the Genet Affair, the XYZ Affair, and the Alien and Sedition Acts helped build nationalism. Despite the partisan divisions, both sides could find solutions that helped America survive its first decade. The failure to resolve anyone of these could have doomed America to failure.

The Federalists – Washington, Hamilton, and Adams – were the leaders of that first decade and managed the successive crisis of sovereignty.

A Sovereign People is one of four books from my first One Day University class.

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