Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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LOWNDES COUNTY AND THE ROAD TO BLACK POWER

Debating Ideas With Jan!

Jan in Washington January 2017

One of the countless ways I miss Jan is in the friendly debate of ideas. We never disagreed on anything of significance. However, debating ideas allowed us to understand better the issues that impacted our family, community, and efforts to repair the world.

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Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Civil War by Other Means: America's Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Civil War by Other Means: America's Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri is the perfect book to help us understand our failures at creating a multi-racial democracy in the nineteenth century and how this has weakened and divided our nation. Jeremi Suri chronicles the events after the civil war, from Lincoln's assassination to Garfield's, and how they were a continuation of the war by other means.

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Rutgers–Newark Chorus Winter Concert: O Be Joyful

Pre-Winter Doldrums

HappinessNow that it gets dark early and icy sidewalks greet my morning walks, the reality of the approaching holiday season reminds me, and other widows, of the loneliness of the family-centric winter holidays.

Unintentionally, the holidays place pressure on everyone to be happy.

I do my best, but living alone exacerbates the widow’s dilemma.

I encourage my fellow walkers/runners to have a good day on my walks.

I did this even the earliest days after Jan died when it was almost guaranteed that I would not be having a good day.

Despite the complexities of the short days and long nights, I do what I can to remain active and happy.

Yesterday, I attended the Rutgers–Newark Chorus Winter Concert: O Be Joyful and enjoyed the live music and companionship.

As Katherine May wrote in Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times,

We are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is a brutal untruth. Life meanders through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall upon us, revealing our bare bones. Given time they grow again.

My bare-bones shiver in the north wind, but I am reminded that my happiness is not based on what I have.

If anything, I have less without Jan.

But I do have Jan’s eternal love and the knowledge that she is still with me and always will be whatever the seasons spawn to me.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May is “an intimate, revelatory book exploring the ways we can care for and repair ourselves when life knocks us down.”

A quote that resonated with me:

That’s what grief is - a yearning for that last moment of contact that would settle everything.

May writes in a clear voice that conveys the importance of accepting the cycles of life instead of fighting them.

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Smiling Wes if Five Months Old!

Smiling Wes is Five Months Old!

Smiling Wes is Five Months Old!

Wes is Five Months Old!

Wes, how old are you now?

Wes is five months old today!

As I have shared previously, Wes has Jan’s smile.

Whenever I see Wes, his smile, like Jan’s, wins my heart.

Until his birth, I counted the third of every month as a recurring nightmare of the day Jan died.

Now, I wake up and remember it as when Wes was born.

If I do the math, five plus fourteen, the sum is the total months since Jan’s death.

Although I will never forget the day Jan died, being able to mitigate most of the pain is superior to wailing over my loss.

Perhaps when we stop identifying Wes’s age by month, my memories will only be of Wes’s birthday on the third of each month.

If that were to occur, my memories of Jan could focus, among other days, on her birthday, the day we met, our wedding, and the birth of our sons and grandsons.

One day Wes will walk with me in Jan’s garden, and as we scrutinize the wind sculpture, I can remind him how much Jan loves him even though she never met him.

Jan’s love will never die, and Wes, among others, will be blessed with her love.

May Wes be blessed with happiness today and every day!

 


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Smiling Wes Won My Heart!

Today, my happy, smiling grandson, Wes Jude Nucero, is four months old!

When I met him, his smile was identical to grandma Jan's.

Both of their smiles mesmerized me.

We inherit many traits from our family, but the most precious one is our personality. Jan's gift to Wes is priceless.

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Life Time Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ

Time Moves Too Fast for Mortals

Richard Welcomes His Fellow Widows

Photo Courtesy of Kevin Papa

I received a Life Time Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ five years ago.

When I was presented with the award, my first comment was it should be renamed the Half-Life Achievement Award.

If we are committed to Tikun Olam, the need to repair the world does not end simply because someone has aged.

The truth is that just as each of us is broken, the world is as well, and the work to ensure it works for all of us will never end.

After I renamed the award, I did what I always did when Jan was in the room. I introduced her and said that if I deserved the recognition, it was only because of the love and support she provided.

A few weeks ago, I found this comment that Jan posted on Facebook,

So proud of my husband, Richard W. Brown! Happy to be married to this wonderful man! Today he received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ for his advocacy around housing, ending homelessness, and leadership of Monarch Housing.

Tears welled in my eyes as I read her statement.

So much has changed over the last 1,827 days. When Jan and I left the event, the future seemed endless.

Cancer changed the trajectory of our lives, but my love for Jan will never die; it only grows stronger daily!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Monarch Housing Farewell Dinner

On March 21, 2019, Monarch Housing Associates celebrated the leadership transition from Richard W. Brown to Taiisa Kelly and Asish Patel.
A Future Walking With Jan's Spirit

A Future Walking With Jan’s Spirit

A Crescent Moon Behind Jan's Wind Sculpture

A Crescent Moon Behind Jan’s Wind Sculpture

My sound test on Zoom is a simple chant.

I test the microphone by saying, “I love Jan! I miss Jan!”

The message proves the microphone works and adjusts my frame of mind, so I am ready, willing, and able to host the Zoom call.

Yet, the change in the atmosphere does not fill the gap left in my heart since Jan died.

The OMordy Quotes help me put into perspective my circumstances,

What’s destroyed can still be rebuilt, what’s lost can still be found, what’s broken can still be mended, an end is not always the end, it can also be a basis for a new and better beginning.

My life with Jan has been erased, and I cannot simply mend my brokenness.

My work with the Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden and Wind Sculpture at Hanson Park and the Jan Lilien Education Fund will keep Jan’s name and memory alive and define my life’s boundaries with only Jan’s spirit.

I do not know how many nights I have to view Jan’s Wind Sculpture glowing below the radiance of the moon I have left, but I know that Jan will always be with me in spirit and guide me into the future.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Investing Jan’s Love in My Future

As much as I miss Jan, continuing to live is the only choice I have ever had.

Like George Burns, I could not cry forever.

One day at a time, I stepped into an unknown future with Jan's love and spirit next to me.

Within days of burying the love of my life, I tied my walking shoes and embarked on a journey to define the boundaries of my new life.

The First Step is to Start

The First Step is to Start

Ellen, Jon and Mike Build a Garden

Photo courtesy of Neeru and Asish Patel.

Long before I began my grief journey, I learned the importance of starting to take action. It is too effortless to do nothing and accept the status quo. As a child, I knew I had to start where I was. It did not matter if it was homework or chores. As a widow, I felt pain, fear, and doubt that could have overwhelmed me. Two days after burying Jan, I got up, laced my shoes, and started walking. I could have stayed in bed, but I kept marching. Continue reading →

Dust Myself Off and Start Over

Jan and I believed in the message in the lyrics by Nat King Cole,

Pick yourself up... Take a deep breath... Dust yourself off And start all over again.

I am reminded of those words as I approach the final hours of my move to a smaller apartment.

Giving Tuesday Should be Every Day!

Giving Tuesday Should be Every Day!

Jan Lilien Human Rights AdvocateMy inbox and text messages are overflowing with appeals for #GivingTuesday donations.

I respond to as many as possible with as much as I can afford.

If only I had the resources to respond generously to help those who help others.

Jan and I automated most of our donations so that we provide support monthly.

I would be forever grateful if you could donate to The Jan Lilien Education Fund.

Every donation helps to repair the world.

It is also like sharing Jan’s love; each gift shares her love and returns to us stronger!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



Charity for All

One of the end-of-year tasks that Jan and I would do together would be to make our final charitable contributions.

Although most donations are made monthly, there is always a list at the end of the year.

Two years ago, Jan was in the emergency room, and I had to do them with her consultation.

It was a frantic effort as the clock ticked rapidly toward midnight, but we completed the task.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy

Read: November 2022

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Civil War by Other Means

by Jeremi Suri

Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri is the perfect book to help us understand our failures at creating a multi-racial democracy in the nineteenth century and how this has weakened and divided our nation. Jeremi Suri chronicles the events after the civil war, from Lincoln’s assassination to Garfield’s, and how they were a continuation of the war by other means.

I purchased a signed copy and watched a video presentation by Dr. Suri due to my membership at One Day University. Civil War by Other Means is a vivid and unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. 

I highly recommend Civil War by Other Means: America’s Long and Unfinished Fight for Democracy by Jeremi Suri.

In addition, the documentary, on Apple TV+, Lowndes County and the Road to Black Power is a companion piece that illustrates the continued failure to create a multi-racial democracy. Jeremi Suri makes a convincing case that the eternal struggle for democracy continues in our time.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In 1865, the Confederacy was comprehensively defeated, its economy shattered, its leaders in exile or in jail. Yet in the years that followed, Lincoln’s vision of a genuinely united country never took root. Apart from a few brief months, when the presence of the Union army in the South proved liberating for newly freed Black Americans, the military victory was squandered. Old white supremacist efforts returned, more ferocious than before.

In Civil War by Other Means, Jeremi Suri shows how resistance to a more equal Union began immediately. From the first postwar riots to the return of Confederate exiles, to the impeachment of Andrew Johnson, to the highly contested and consequential election of 1876, Suri explores the conflicts and questions Americans wrestled with as competing visions of democracy, race, and freedom came to a vicious breaking point.

What emerges is a vivid and, at times, unsettling portrait of a country striving to rebuild itself but unable to compromise on or adhere to the most basic democratic tenets. What should have been a moment of national renewal was ultimately wasted, with reverberations still felt today. The recent shocks to American democracy are rooted in this forgotten, urgent history.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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LOWNDES COUNTY AND THE ROAD TO BLACK POWER
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Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

Read: October 2021

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Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

by Katherine May

Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May is “an intimate, revelatory book exploring the ways we can care for and repair ourselves when life knocks us down.”

Two quotes that resonated with me were:

That’s what grief is – a yearning for that one last moment of contact that would settle everything.

We are in the habit of imagining our lives to be linear, a long march from birth to death in which we mass our powers, only to surrender them again, all the while slowly losing our youthful beauty. This is a brutal untruth. Life meanders through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall upon us, revealing our bare bones. Given time they grow again.

May writes in a clear voice that conveys the importance of accepting the cycles of life instead of fighting them.

Sometimes you slip through the cracks: unforeseen circumstances like an abrupt illness, the death of a loved one, a breakup, or a job loss can derail a life. These periods of dislocation can be lonely and unexpected. For May, her husband fell ill, her son stopped attending school, and her own medical issues led her to leave a demanding job. Wintering explores how she not only endured this painful time but embraced the singular opportunities it offered.

A moving personal narrative shot through with lessons from literature, mythology, and the natural world, May’s story offers instruction on the transformative power of rest and retreat. Illumination emerges from many sources: solstice celebrations and dormice hibernation, C.S. Lewis and Sylvia Plath swimming in icy waters, and sailing arctic seas.

Ultimately Wintering invites us to change how we relate to our own fallow times. May models an active acceptance of sadness and finds nourishment in deep retreat, joy in the serene beauty of winter, and encouragement in understanding life as cyclical, not linear. A secular mystic, May forms a guiding philosophy for transforming the hardships that arise before the ushering in of a new season.

I recommend this book without reservation.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Rutgers–Newark Chorus Winter Concert: O Be Joyful
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Smiling Wes if Five Months Old!
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Life Time Achievement Award from the Supportive Housing Association of NJ
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A Future Walking With Jan's Spirit
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The First Step is to Start
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Giving Tuesday Should be Every Day!
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The God of the Woods: A Novel

Read: July 2024

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The God of the Woods: A Novel

by Liz Moore

I started reading “The God of the Woods: A Novel” by Liz Moore today. Several reviews recommended it as a great summer read. The story is set in August 1975, the same month and year my spouse Jan and I married. Liz Moore weaves a multi-threaded story, inviting readers into a rich and gripping dynasty of secrets and second chances.

The novel begins with a camp counselor discovering an empty bunk at an Adirondack summer camp belonging to thirteen-year-old Barbara Van Laar, who has mysteriously vanished. Barbara is not just any teenager; she is the daughter of the family that owns the camp and employs many residents. What makes this disappearance even more intriguing is that Barbara’s older brother went missing similarly fourteen years ago and was never found.

As the search for Barbara begins, the novel unfolds into a thrilling drama, delving into the deeply buried secrets of the Van Laar family and the blue-collar community working in its shadow. This novel is said to be Liz Moore’s most ambitious and wide-reaching work yet.

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The Brighter the Light

Read: June 2022

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The Brighter the Light

by Mary Ellen Taylor

The Brighter the Light by Mary Ellen Taylor was my eighty-ninth book since the beginning of 2019. After reading about Thomas Cromwell, I needed a change of pace. With the start of the Hurricane season, it seemed as good a time as any to read a novel by a fellow Southerner. That the book is also an “evocative dual-timeline novel detailing one woman’s journey to discover the hidden stories of her family’s seaside resort” seemed a perfect match.

I highly recommend this book. As a Southerner, I found the revealing of the hidden secrets accomplished in a style that makes this a page-turner.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

When a shipwreck surfaces, old secrets are sure to follow.

Or so goes the lore in Ivy Neale’s hometown of Nags Head, North Carolina. When Ivy inherits her family’s beachfront cottage upon her grandmother’s death, she knows returning to Nags Head means facing the best friend and the boyfriend who betrayed her years ago.

But then a winter gale uncovers the shipwreck of local legend—and Ivy soon begins to stumble across more skeletons in the closet than just her own. Amid the cottage’s clutter are clues from her grandmother’s past at the enchanting seaside resort her family once owned. One fateful summer in 1950, the arrival of a dazzling singer shook the staff and guests alike—and not everyone made it to fall.

As Ivy contends with broken relationships and a burgeoning romance in the present, the past threatens to sweep her away. But as she uncovers the strength of her grandmother and the women who came before her, she realizes she is like the legendary shipwreck: the sands may shift around her, but she has found her home here by the sea.


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Prayer to the Invisible

Read: February 2026

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Prayer to the Invisible

by Diane Frank

Diane Frank, a poet and author of “Prayer to the Invisible,” was a childhood friend of my wife, Jan, in Springfield, NJ. Both were gifted and talented young women who excelled as students and were also musicians, dreamers, and diarists. I met Diane at a poetry reading in NYC, where Jan insisted that we meet her brilliant friend. Diane often referred to Jan as her “Angel.”

In her luminous 9th collection, Prayer to the Invisible, poet Diane Frank fully unmasks her wild and loving imagination. With a river-deep range in subject matter and voice, Frank guides us through terrains both difficult and joyous – her Jewish mother’s love of Christmas carols, a grace-filled visitation from a victim of ethnic violence, a ballerina-in-disguise on public transit, and many transcendent visions from dreams. According to Prartho Sereno, Poet Laureate Emerita of Marin County, California. Author of Starfall in the Temple, “Diane Frank is the wise and wonder-struck, barefoot-dancing companion we all long for in these precarious times.”

Each poem was thought-provoking and a blessing for these uncertain times. The title poem, “Prayer to the Invisible,” was written in memory of Dr. Jerry Rabinowitz, who died during the attack at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh on October 27, 2018. He was a fellow alumnus of Jonathan Dayton Regional High School, as were Diane and my wife. The poem is a moving tribute to Dr. Rabinowitz as its words brought tears to my eyes.

The poem is a moving tribute that brought tears to my eyes for Dr. Rabinowitz, and one stanza echoed how I felt when my wife died.

I carry your spirit on my shoulders
as I walk into the synagogue
where we played music for you,
as I follow an eclipse north
as I walk into a dream.
I write your name in the sky after midnight
in the Leonid meteor showers,
in the penumbra of an eclipse
of the wolf moon.


Diane Frank is a poet and musician, author of nine books of poems, three novels, and a photo memoir of her 400-mile trek in the Nepal Himalayas. Listening to the Enigma Variations: New and Selected Poems won the 2022 Next Generation Indie Book Award for Poetry. She is the editor of three bestselling anthologies: River of Earth and Sky: Poems for the Twenty-First Century; Fog and Light: San Francisco through the Eyes of the Poets Who Live Here; and Pandemic Puzzle Poems. Her first novel, Blackberries in the Dream House, was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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Look What You Made Me Do

Read: May 2026

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Look What You Made Me Do

by John Lanchester

Look What You Made Me Do” by John Lanchester is a darkly comedic tale that delves deep into the intricate web of love, trust, resentment, and entitlement. The narrative weaves the lives of two women from contrasting generations, drawing them into a thrilling conflict where wits and wills are tested to the limit. As tension mounts and secrets unravel, only one will rise to claim victory in this captivating showdown.

“Every successful marriage has its own private language.” So it is for baby boomer Kate and her beloved architect husband Jack, thirty years into their seemingly idyllic life in metropolitan North London. And so it is for spiky millennial screenwriter Phoebe and her charming loafer of a partner, Tony.

But when Phoebe’s steamy television series, Cheating, becomes the year’s most talked-about show, Kate thinks she sees details and intimacies of her marriage in it that only she and her husband could have known. Who has betrayed whom? Who has stolen whose story―and why?


John Lanchester is the author of five novels, including the best-selling *The Debt to Pleasure* and *Capital*. His works have received several accolades, including the Hawthornden Prize, the Whitbread First Novel Award, and the E. M. Forster Award. His books have also been longlisted for the Booker Prize and translated into more than twenty-five languages. Lanchester is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and The New York Review of Books. He resides in London.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Supporting these selections not only helps me continue to provide you with personalized recommendations but also ensures you have access to meaningful stories that enrich your life. Your support truly makes a difference in helping me share more books and insights with you!


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Vanishing World

Read: April 2025

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Vanishing World

by Sayaka Murata

Today, I began reading Sayaka Murata‘s Vanishing World, translated by Ginny Tapley Takemori. This novel, from the author of the bestselling literary sensations Convenience Store Woman and Earthlings, presents a surprising and highly imaginative story set in an alternate version of Japan where sexual relations between married couples have disappeared, and all children are conceived through artificial insemination.

Sayaka Murata has established herself as a remarkable observer of society’s peculiarities, delving into our contemporary world with bizarre and unsettling insights. Her portrayals of a contentedly unmarried retail worker in Convenience Store Woman and a young woman who believes she is an alien in Earthlings have resonated with millions of readers globally. In Vanishing World, Murata takes her vision to a bold new level, envisioning an alternative Japan where attitudes toward sex and procreation diverge significantly from our own.

As a girl, Amane is horrified to learn that her parents “copulated” to conceive her rather than using artificial insemination, which became the norm in the mid-twentieth century. She seeks to escape what she perceives as her mother’s indoctrination into this peculiar “system.” Despite her efforts, Amane’s attractions to both anime characters and real people carry an undeniable sexual weight.

As an adult in a suitably sexless marriage—where sex between married couples is regarded as taboo, akin to incest—Amane and her husband, Saku, decide to relocate to a mysterious new town called Experiment City, or Paradise-Eden. In this community, all children are raised collectively, and every person is considered a mother to all children. Men are beginning to experience pregnancy through artificial wombs that exist outside their bodies, resembling balloons, and children are nameless, referred to simply as “Kodomo-chan.” Will this new world finally cleanse Amane of her strangeness?


Sayaka Murata is the author of several books, including Convenience Store Woman, which won the Akutagawa Prize, Earthlings, and Life Ceremony. Freeman has recognized her as a “Future of New Writing” author, and Vogue Japan has honored her as a Woman of the Year.

Ginny Tapley Takemori has translated works from more than a dozen Japanese writers, including Ryu Murakami. She resides at the foot of a mountain in Eastern Japan.



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Chess Story

Read: April 2026

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Chess Story: A Novella

by Stefan Zweig

Chess Story,” also known as “The Royal Game,” is the final work of Austrian author Stefan Zweig. He completed it while in exile in Brazil and sent it to his American publisher just days before his suicide in 1942. This story is unique as it is the only one in which Zweig directly examines Nazism, portraying it through his characteristic focus on psychological themes.

The narrative follows travelers aboard a ship bound for Buenos Aires, where they encounter an arrogant, unfriendly world chess champion. Attempting to challenge him, they find themselves thoroughly defeated. However, a mysterious passenger steps forward to offer them advice, dramatically shifting their fortunes. The story delves into how this enigmatic figure acquired his extraordinary chess skills and the personal toll that it entailed.

This new translation of “Chess Story” highlights the work’s distinctive blend of high suspense and poignant reflection.


Stefan Zweig (1881–1942), novelist, biographer, poet, and translator, was born in Vienna into a wealthy Austrian Jewish family. During the 1930s, he was one of the best-selling writers in Europe and was among the most translated German-language writers before the Second World War. With the rise of Nazism, he moved from Salzburg to London (taking British citizenship), to New York, and finally to Brazil, where he committed suicide with his wife. New York Review Books has published Zweig’s novels The Post-Office Girl and Beware of Pity, as well as the novella Chess Story.

Peter Gay was Director of the Center for Scholars and Writers at the New York Public Library. He wrote Schnitzler’s Century: The Making of Middle-Class Culture, 1815–1914.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Supporting these selections not only helps me continue to provide you with personalized recommendations but also ensures you have access to meaningful stories that enrich your life. Your support truly makes a difference in helping me share more books and insights with you!


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