Richard W. shared a stream on February 2, 2023

Although Imperfect Life is Beautiful!

Estimated reading time: 1 minute, 13 seconds

Love Never Dies

Love Never Dies

Approaching the end of the second year of my grief journey, I wake up every day celebrating the beauty of life despite losing Jan and the multitude of imperfections we must all seek to repair.

I agree with Albert Einstein, who wrote, “Never cease to stand like curious children before the Great Mystery into which we were born!”

With the most excruciating period of grief in my rearview mirror, I will always miss Jan.

But her love has enriched me enough that she is still with me now and forever.

Her love inspires me to continue my mensch-in-training activities. May I one day be blessed to no longer be a trainee.

Her simple words of wisdom can motivate me to live fully.

Richard, you are capable and strong, and I believe in you.

My life is better despite Jan’s death because she is still with me, and I share her love daily to continue our work of repairing the world.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Life is Wonderful, Even if I Am Sad

Life is Wonderful, Even if I Am Sad

Does life have to be perfect to be fantastic?

Perhaps when I was young, I might have believed that a beautiful life would have to be perfect.

Despite my best efforts to foolproof my life by striving for perfection, it rarely worked as planned.

My life with Jan was nearly perfect, and we shared a wonderful life.

Living without the love of my life for the last year has been challenging and solitary.

Richard W. Brown June 7, 2022

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My random thoughts on love, grief, life and all things considered.

My Big Climb to Conquer Cancer on April 25, 2026
Please join me in making a difference! No matter the amount, your contribution can have a meaningful impact. As I do every year, I will match every donation made. Thank you! […]
50th Wedding Anniversary
All we ever needed was love—true love! It's the most powerful force in the world—a force that can heal, uplift, and give us our only hope for salvation. […]
The Infamous Walker Limps Home
My Apple Fitness app shows that I’ve averaged four miles daily over an unpredictable month, which might be my new normal. As long as I can walk every day, my streak will continue. Today marked 1,555 days and counting. […]
Living and Grieving
I am believed and seen. I believe in others and recognize their true selves. Though I may reside in my home, I live, grieve, and thrive within my community. […]
The Triad of Love
I focus on being good, rather than feeling good, and living a life my wife would be proud of, rather than letting sorrow overshadow my remaining days. […]

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The Poppy Fields

Read: June 2025

The Poppy Fields

by Nikki Erlick

The Poppy Fields by Nikki Erlick is a unique and thought-provoking speculative novel that delves into themes of heartache, hope, and resilience. It explores the complexities of grief and healing, raising essential questions about recovery after loss and the lengths we go to in search of healing. This powerful exploration resonated with me and provided ample food for thought. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!

The Poppy Fields is a captivating speculative story that explores themes of healing, self-discovery, forgiveness, and the power of newfound friendship. Located in a remote stretch of the California desert, the Poppy Fields offers hope for even the most battered hearts seeking to heal. Nikki Erlick‘s unique narrative technique adds an extra layer of intrigue to the story.

This area is home to an experimental and controversial treatment center designed for those grappling with the heartache of loss. It offers a unique solution, allowing patients to sleep through their pain and continue sleeping. However, when they eventually awaken from this prolonged state of slumber, they will be healed, provided they are willing to accept the possible shadowy side effects, raising concerns about the actual cost of healing.

Embarking on a journey to this mystical destination are four very different strangers and one little dog: Ava, a book illustrator; Ray, a fireman; Sasha, an occupational therapist; and Sky, a free spirit, accompanied by a friendly pup named PJ. Their diverse backgrounds and mysterious motivations add an intriguing layer to their quest to find Ellis, the brilliant and enigmatic founder of The Poppy Fields.

Nikki Erlick is the author of the instant New York Times bestseller, The Measure, which was selected as a Read with Jenna/Today Show book club pick. The Measure has been translated into twenty-four languages worldwide. She holds a bachelor’s degree from Harvard University and a master’s degree from Columbia University. Currently, she resides in Los Angeles.

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Breathe

Read: September 2021

Breathe

by Joyce Carol Oates

Reading Breathe by Joyce Carol Oates was a book I knew I needed to read once Jan was diagnosed. Although the book might trigger negative memories, I finally read Breathe. It was what I needed to read at this point in my journey.

Ms. Oates wrote the book in 2019 after her husband, Charlie Gross, died. The novel is a story of love, loss, and loneliness, topics that I write about on this blog. I needed to read the book both for my mental health and for the readers of Sharing Jan’s Love.

The protagonist, Michaela, loses her husband while they are on a sabbatical in New Mexico. Her husband, Gerard, writes a book and teaches a class on memories. Jan and I never considered relocating before her illness, but this book convinced me that it would have aggravated my grief journey.

One of the parallels I observed while reading the novel is the similarity between Gerard’s reluctance to let family, friends, and co-workers know of his illness. Jan shared that reluctance in the early days, but I convinced her that the only chance of beating cancer was with the help of family and friends.

This dialogue could easily be one that Jan and I had.

Of course you want to summon his family—his (adult) children—but quickly, he says no.

Still waiting.

But – When?

Just not yet.

He is not an alarmist. (You are the alarmist.)

The novel is written in two parts – The Vigil and the Post-Mortem.

The opening paragraphs set the tone.

A Hand is gripping yours. Warm, dry hand gripping your slippery, humid hand.

Whoever it is urging you – Breathe!

Leaning over you begging you – Breathe!

As one mourning the death of the love of his life, I found several phrases in the book helpful in understanding what I have gone through and will continue to confront.

Among them is grief-vise, which I have written about in this stream.

In the grip of the grief vise, all that you will do, all that you even imagine doing, will require many times more effort.. Hardly daring to breathe for the grief-vise will tighten around your chest, squeezing the very air out of your lungs.

In the early stages of grief, the vise was strangling me. Breathing was impossible, and weeping was constant at times.

Michaela struggles with her grief. Seeing her husband every time she sees a man alone, even if they are older or younger than he was. I know I have felt Jan’s presence and still expect her to walk into our apartment.

Her struggles with a grief counselor and overly helpful friends are an experience I have not had but are familiar to those suffering from losing a loved one.

The last chapters are ones in which time becomes confusing and chaotic. At times, I was uncertain about which were real or imagined. The end, like all good novels, was ambiguous.

These are some of the other phrases I have found useful and will include in posts.

If there is no one to love, do we merit existence?
Never come to the end of kissing.
The first principle of life is; Breathe.
Shy in the language of intimacy.
As if a life lived with strangers could compensate for the emptiness in your heart.
No purpose in your life. No compass.

What you love most, that you will lose. The price of your love is your loss.

I recommend this book to all readers, even those struggling with grief.

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Discontent

Read: October 2025

Discontent: A Novel

by Beatriz Serrano

“Discontent” by Beatriz Serrano is a bold and darkly humorous novel that follows a young woman whose carefully constructed office persona starts to unravel when she is compelled to attend her company’s annual retreat. On the surface, Marisa’s life appears enviable. She lives in a beautiful apartment in the heart of Madrid, has a charming neighbor who often spends time with her, and has quickly ascended the ranks at a successful advertising agency.

And yet she’s drowning in a dark hole of existential dread induced by the banality of corporate life. Marisa hates her job and everyone at it. She spends her working hours locked in her office, hiding from her coworkers, bingeing on YouTube videos, and getting high on tranquilizers. When she has the time, she escapes to her favorite museum where she contemplates the meaning of life while staring at Hieronymus Bosch paintings, or tries to get hit by a car so she can go on disability.

However, Marisa’s dubious success, which is primarily built on lies and work she has stolen from others, is in danger of being exposed when she’s forced to attend her company’s team-building retreat. Isolated in the Segovia forests, haunted by the deeply buried memory of a former coworker, and surrounded by psychopathic bosses, overzealous coworkers, flirty retreat staff, and an excess of drugs, Marisa finds herself acting on her wildest impulses. She is pushed to the brink of a complete spiral.

Beatriz Serrano is a striking new voice in international literature. A writer and journalist who has written for publications such as BuzzFeed, Vanity Fair, GQ, Harper’s Bazaar, El País, SModa, and Vogue. Along with writer Guillermo Alonso, she currently co-directs the podcast “Arsenic Caviar“, which won the Ondas Prize for best conversational podcast. Discontent is her first novel. She lives in Madrid.

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