Perplexed But Devoted

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes, 46 seconds

Abandonment?

Six months after the cancer diagnosis, I was beginning to feel comfortable as Jan’s caregiver. I had wrapped her in the blanket from her Soul Sisters, which had all their names inscribed. Let me know if you need anything,” I asked as Jan rested on the loveseat while I finished the dishes. Why don’t you ask Siri to play your playlist or a favorite artist?” Jan complied, and Joni Mitchell’s voice soon filled our tiny apartment. 

I whispered thank you, Siri, for playing music that would soothe Jan’s soul.

Closing the dishwasher, I opened the pill box and selected the medicine she needed tonight. I walked over with a glass of water.

I never thought I would be taking so many pills.

“If you want to regain your health, the pills are unavoidable.” 

She nodded her head and took the four pills one after the other.

“My love, what can I do to help you?”

She shook her head negatively as she handed me the glass. 

“I want to be cancer free, and there is nothing more you can do to help me achieve that.”

As I returned the glass to the kitchen, I said, “I am ready, willing, and able to do whatever is required to help you.”

“Richard, you already do so much to help me; I am afraid you will hate me one day.” I started to speak, but she did not give me a chance. 

“You are doing everything for me. You shop, cook, clean, and help me up the sta rs. You even made Matzo Brei better than I can,” Jan exclaimed. “I could not fight cancer without you. But I worry you are overwhelmed and will decide that I am too much to manage.”

She paused for a moment, and I shook my head and said, “I love you, and I always will.”

“I know you love me. Over the years, I have been mean to you, and you never stopped loving me. But my cancer is an enormous burden that you are carrying on your shoulders. Many people leave their spouses when they are sick. I would understand if you wanted to leave me.

Jan started weeping, and I tried to hold my tears inside my eyelids.

I knew what I wanted to say, but I was voiceless. I knew I would not deal with Jan’s comment about being mean to me as I had always ignored her claims.

I kneeled in front of Jan and kissed her lips.

Finally, I could form words and have them exit my mouth.

“I am not like some generic guy; I am your husband. I may not have said sickness and health when in my wedding vows, but I am here and will always be here for you. I am not going anywhere today, tomorrow, or ever.”

Jan smiled as tears flowed down her cheeks. 

Between sobs, she repeated, “I love you! I love you!”

I embraced her and kissed the top of her head.

I still remember when we met, and you kissed the top of my head. No one had ever kissed me there.”

“Yes, I remember that night. When I kissed you, I promised myself and God that I would love, honor, and cherish you throughout my life. I have kept that promise daily, and I am not changing my mind because you have cancer.”

“There is no way I could fight cancer without your love.”

I held her as tight as I could, and between mutual sobs, we kissed each other like we did the night we met.


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12 comments add your comment

  1. Excellent story…I never heard of any couple making almost the same salary!!

    Funny and sad story, but I enjoyed it!!

    • Thanks, Hugo, for your comment.

      Jan and I chose similar work focused on repairing the world. As a result, our salaries were both modest. That we ended with wages almost the same at the end is not all that surprising. If Jan had lived and continued to work at the YWCA for the last two years, her total compensation would have surpassed mine.

      I agree that the story, like life, is humorous and sad simultaneously. I write from my heart, and the articles reflect the complexity of the lives Jan and I lived and how life is complicated.

      The love that Jan and I shared will never die.

      In closing I wanted to share share a poem from Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson. Her poems are a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself.

        Give thanks for all
        that is good and beautiful;
        the gifts you carry
        people who lift you up
        your big, big love
        faith and trust that your life
        is unfolding as it should

        Give thanks for all
        that has been difficult and hard;
        trials tribulations tears
        tests of self strength fears
        all of the unknowns and days
        that broke you

        Without the darkness
        you would not have
        learned to appreciate the light

      Thanks for your friendship and support.

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Prayer to the Invisible

Read: February 2026

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Prayer to the Invisible

by Diane Frank

Diane Frank, a poet and author of “Prayer to the Invisible,” was a childhood friend of my wife, Jan, in Springfield, NJ. Both were gifted and talented young women who excelled as students and were also musicians, dreamers, and diarists. I met Diane at a poetry reading in NYC, where Jan insisted that we meet her brilliant friend. Diane often referred to Jan as her “Angel.”

In her luminous 9th collection, Prayer to the Invisible, poet Diane Frank fully unmasks her wild and loving imagination. With a river-deep range in subject matter and voice, Frank guides us through terrains both difficult and joyous – her Jewish mother’s love of Christmas carols, a grace-filled visitation from a victim of ethnic violence, a ballerina-in-disguise on public transit, and many transcendent visions from dreams. According to Prartho Sereno, Poet Laureate Emerita of Marin County, California. Author of Starfall in the Temple, “Diane Frank is the wise and wonder-struck, barefoot-dancing companion we all long for in these precarious times.”

Each poem was thought-provoking and a blessing for these uncertain times. The title poem, “Prayer to the Invisible,” was written in memory of Dr. Jerry Rabinowitz, who died during the attack at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh on October 27, 2018. He was a fellow alumnus of Jonathan Dayton Regional High School, as were Diane and my wife. The poem is a moving tribute to Dr. Rabinowitz as its words brought tears to my eyes.

The poem is a moving tribute that brought tears to my eyes for Dr. Rabinowitz, and one stanza echoed how I felt when my wife died.

I carry your spirit on my shoulders
as I walk into the synagogue
where we played music for you,
as I follow an eclipse north
as I walk into a dream.
I write your name in the sky after midnight
in the Leonid meteor showers,
in the penumbra of an eclipse
of the wolf moon.


Diane Frank is a poet and musician, author of nine books of poems, three novels, and a photo memoir of her 400-mile trek in the Nepal Himalayas. Listening to the Enigma Variations: New and Selected Poems won the 2022 Next Generation Indie Book Award for Poetry. She is the editor of three bestselling anthologies: River of Earth and Sky: Poems for the Twenty-First Century; Fog and Light: San Francisco through the Eyes of the Poets Who Live Here; and Pandemic Puzzle Poems. Her first novel, Blackberries in the Dream House, was nominated for the Pulitzer Prize.



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Ben Markovits was born and raised in Texas, and later lived in London and Berlin. He studied at Yale University and the University of Oxford. After graduating, he became a professional basketball player in Landshut, Germany, where he played against a young Dirk Nowitzki.

Markovits has authored eleven novels, including Fathers and Daughters, You Don’t Have to Live Like This, and The Sidekick. In addition to his books, he has published essays, stories, poetry, and reviews in notable publications such as The Guardian, Granta, The Paris Review, and The New York Times.

In 2013, Granta recognized him as one of their Best of Young British Novelists. He received the Eccles British Library Writer in Residence Award and the James Tait Black Memorial Prize in 2015. Currently, he lives in London and teaches creative writing at Royal Holloway, University of London.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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Read: March 2025

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by Annika Norlin

Today, I explored “The Colony,” Annika Norlin‘s debut novel, which Alice E. Olsson has skillfully translated. This sensational bestseller from Sweden has captured the imagination of readers around the globe, with its rights sold in over a dozen countries and an exciting TV adaptation in the works. “The Colony,” has quickly become one of the most talked-about literary sensations since Fredrik Backman’s ‘A Man Called Ove.’

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Read: September 2022

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Dragony Rising: A Frank Nagler Novel

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Read: April 2026

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by Tana French

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Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Supporting these selections not only helps me continue to provide you with personalized recommendations but also ensures you have access to meaningful stories that enrich your life. Your support truly makes a difference in helping me share more books and insights with you!


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