Perplexed But Devoted
Estimated reading time: 14 minutes, 46 seconds
RB, Call Home
“Hello, sweetheart! I am on my way home. I wanted to call so you could let the dancing boys leave.” I had made calls like this every day since the crisis in the Spring when I was sure she would divorce me. “There are no dancing boys at home, just me, waiting for the love of my life to come home.” I inquired if I needed to pick up anything. She answered negatively. “I will see you soon,” I said.
Walking on Powers Street, I turned to the right on Graham Avenue and proceeded to the Florist on the corner of Ainslie Street.
“Good evening; how are you?”
I responded that I was OK.
“What are you looking for, a bouquet, roses, a plant?”
“The love of my life just got a job, so I need something celebratory. Maybe a dozen roses?”
“That would work for me,” the Florist said. Red would be nice, but I can also do a mix of roses.
“Mixed.”
As she finished, I joked, “I suppose there is no florist’s dozen?”
She laughed and then added another rose.
For our regular customers, I am happy to help.
Leaving the store, I could smell the roses and knew it was a good idea. Perhaps it will help Jan feel better and be open to a frank discussion. The question was how to start the conversation.
I waved at Sal from his pizza shop as I approached our apartment building.
Sal asked, “Are those for me?”
We both laughed as I proceeded up the stoop at 542 Lorimer Street.
Unlocking the door, I tried unsuccessfully to hide the flowers behind my back.
I love you, Jan,” I stated as I awkwardly tried to enter the apartment without revealing the roses.
“These are beautiful,” Jan responded as I handed her the thirteen roses.
“I wanted to give you something to celebrate your new job. I can’t walk past a flower shop without buying something for you.
Jan kissed me and then looked for a vase for the flowers.
Over dinner, I repeated that the COPE job seemed perfect for her.
“I am very excited. I can still go to school as well as work full-time.
We chatted about the job. I kept wondering when I could ask Jan my other questions.
While doing the dishes, the words were in my mouth, but Jan wanted to continue chatting about her job.
As we got into bed, I was about to give up on the idea.
But then Jan said, “Let’s make love tonight. Last night when we got home was messy, to say the least.”
I nodded and then asked, “Last night you wanted me to take advantage of you….”
“I was a little drunk and slurring my words, so you might not have heard correctly.”
I knew I had heard her words clearly, but I chose not to contradict her while her sweet kisses took my breath away.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
Excellent story…I never heard of any couple making almost the same salary!!
Funny and sad story, but I enjoyed it!!
Thanks, Hugo, for your comment.
Jan and I chose similar work focused on repairing the world. As a result, our salaries were both modest. That we ended with wages almost the same at the end is not all that surprising. If Jan had lived and continued to work at the YWCA for the last two years, her total compensation would have surpassed mine.
I agree that the story, like life, is humorous and sad simultaneously. I write from my heart, and the articles reflect the complexity of the lives Jan and I lived and how life is complicated.
The love that Jan and I shared will never die.
In closing I wanted to share share a poem from Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson. Her poems are a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself.
Give thanks for all
that is good and beautiful;
the gifts you carry
people who lift you up
your big, big love
faith and trust that your life
is unfolding as it should
Give thanks for all
that has been difficult and hard;
trials tribulations tears
tests of self strength fears
all of the unknowns and days
that broke you
Without the darkness
you would not have
learned to appreciate the light
Thanks for your friendship and support.