Perplexed But Devoted
Estimated reading time: 14 minutes, 46 seconds
Home Sweet Home
“I cannot believe I drank the entire bottle of wine,” Jan, a little tipsy, said as we left the restaurant. Concerned, I asked if I should call a cab to take us to the L train. “No, I am a big girl and can manage a little more wine than usual.” We walked and talked as we slowly made our way to the nearest subway.
“Tell me about your new job.”
“I am going to work with the COPE team. It does community organizing – I can’t remember now what the last two letters mean,” Jan muttered with a slight slur. “Our mission is to help people with a mental illness to live in group homes in the community with support.”
“That is a perfect job for you!”
“I am excited, and I start a week from next Monday.”
We chatted about the job until we entered the subway.
Once we sat down, Jan asked me, “Are you OK that I will make more than you do?”
“I am not concerned at all. I am thrilled that you have a wonderful opportunity. With both of us working in the community this year, we should be able to have an impact on repairing the world and live a little more comfortably.”
As we switched to the L train, Jan held on to me.
“I am a little drunker than I thought.”
“Jan, I am glad I am here to help you on the trip home.”
“Me too. I should not have had so much wine.”
“Not sure what you would have done if you had been alone or with someone….” I did not finish the sentence as I could not contemplate her this intoxicated with another man.
“I would not have had this much to drink if you had not been with me.”
As we approached the stairs to exit the L train, I directed her to hold on to the railing while I held her steady.
“I admit I am drunk, but I am also very aroused. Maybe you could take advantage of me when we get upstairs.”
“We can make love.”
“No, I am serious this time. I have fantasized about you taking advantage of me.”
I did not respond as I helped her walk up the stairs to our fourth-floor apartment.
As I helped Jan make her way up the stairs, I attempted to comprehend why she would want me to take advantage of her. It did not make sense to me, but my focus was getting us into our apartment.
After I opened the apartment door, I helped her to the bathroom.
“Thanks. Can you stay with me?”
I stayed with her, ready to help in any way she required.
Fortunately, the bathroom was between the kitchen and the bedroom. I helped Jan sit on the bed and started to help her undress.
“Why don’t you just rip my clothes off and take me?”
I did not know what to say but excused myself to go to the bathroom.
As I brushed my teeth, I heard her say, “Oh, no.”
Dropping the toothbrush, I turned to face her at the door to the bathroom.
“I feel sick.”
I pulled up the lid on the toilet just in time for a mix of wine and veal parmigiana to be deposited in the bowl.
After cleaning up, I helped her back to bed.
“I think we should wait to make love….”
“I agree.”
As Jan’s breathing slowed and she fell asleep, my mind was moving at full throttle. Am I naïve and unaware of her needs? Why does Jan keep asking me to act in what I think is an aggressive way when she is intoxicated? Does she not know who I am?
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
Excellent story…I never heard of any couple making almost the same salary!!
Funny and sad story, but I enjoyed it!!
Thanks, Hugo, for your comment.
Jan and I chose similar work focused on repairing the world. As a result, our salaries were both modest. That we ended with wages almost the same at the end is not all that surprising. If Jan had lived and continued to work at the YWCA for the last two years, her total compensation would have surpassed mine.
I agree that the story, like life, is humorous and sad simultaneously. I write from my heart, and the articles reflect the complexity of the lives Jan and I lived and how life is complicated.
The love that Jan and I shared will never die.
In closing I wanted to share share a poem from Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson. Her poems are a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself.
Give thanks for all
that is good and beautiful;
the gifts you carry
people who lift you up
your big, big love
faith and trust that your life
is unfolding as it should
Give thanks for all
that has been difficult and hard;
trials tribulations tears
tests of self strength fears
all of the unknowns and days
that broke you
Without the darkness
you would not have
learned to appreciate the light
Thanks for your friendship and support.