Jan’s Love Keeps Me from Wallowing!
Jan Believes in Me and Pushes Me to Move Foward!
Estimated reading time: 2 minutes, 0 seconds
The gentle rain outside and the distant sound of thunder make me reflect on Jan’s love and how it inspires me to live, learn, and participate in life. Recently, I read Lorrie Moore‘s book, “I Am Homeless If This Is Not My Home,” and it has been on my mind ever since. I feel interconnected to the main character, Finn, who once said, “Loss of the heart kills the brain, he had read. Loss of the brain kills the heart. But only eventually. A million love stories demonstrated it! The heart could go on and on. Love was its own little generator of quasi-buried treasure.” Jan’s love fills me with happiness and helps me to embrace growth and love.
An article in the New York Times written by cultural critic Chris Vognar discusses his experience with grief and how it relates to the FX series ‘The Bear.’ Vognar’s partner, Kate, died from a terminal brain disease that resulted in dementia. The essay offers a reassessment of the grieving process.
He writes,
I got through the worst part of my ordeal, slowly, incrementally, and I have begun now to transcend it. I don’t know if time heals all wounds — I once saw a sign suggesting it actually wounds all heels — but time sure doesn’t stand still. Today, I often picture Kate much as Carmy pictures his brother. She is cheering me on and getting angry with me when I wallow.
Despite Jan’s death from lymphoma, her love for me remains unshaken. Her unwavering dedication motivates me to keep moving forward and never give up, even in sorrow. Although I will always miss her, I know that Jan would want me to find happiness in life and not dwell in sadness. Every day, I take small and big steps towards healing, knowing that it is what Jan would have wished for me.
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Will I Be the One to Grow From My Grief?
In the earliest days, I was unable to do anything but weep.
Those days are rarer but still occur. Sixteen months and counting, and despite improvements, the heartache remains ever-present.
I have focused on Dr. Lois Tonkin's research that documents that our only option is to grow around grief, so our grief is a smaller portion of us.
