My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.
Today I started reading The Shadow King: A Novel by Maaza Mengiste. This book happened to offer two often overlooked threads of history. The first is Mussolini’s 1935 invasion of Ethiopia. The second one I am most interested in is the women soldiers who were left out of the historical record. I have only started, but The Shadow King is a gorgeously crafted and unputdownable exploration of female power and what it means to be a woman at war.
Like most couples, Jan and I had different temperature preferences. Every time, I deferred to her choices.
This past year I have begun to alter the heating and cooling on the margins.
At the beginning of this month, I turned the heat off as we had a few days when we did not need it. I did the same last year fall.
Of course, the past few days have tested my endurance as the indoor temperature fell to 63 degrees.
My apartment did not have heat or hot water when I met Jan. I could see my breath.
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Jan always loved flowers, and I always liked to oblige. For many years I would get one rose every year on our anniversary.
The year I asked for thirteen was the beginning of the florist asking questions. I stopped doing one a year when we celebrated twenty years. It had gotten too big and heavy to carry.
The plans for the triangle in Hanson Park will include perennials that will bloom throughout the season and the wind sculpture. It will be a reflection of her beauty and passion for life.
Click here for a PDF of the design.
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Artwork graciously provided by Emi Sato.
The Passover festival of freedom continues thru this week. Jan often thought that the first time I celebrated Passover was with her.
I was a member of the Student Union Board (SUB) in College and helped organize a seder for hundreds of all faiths.
But it is the ones we celebrated together that I will never forget.
The call of Moses to Pharaoh to Let My People Go is the inalienable desire of all peoples to be free.
Freedom for all of our sisters and brothers, not just of our faith but of all religions. Especially those in Ukraine.
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Artwork graciously provided by Emi Sato.
Passover, the festival of freedom without Jan, is manageable but not the same.
What I miss most is welcoming Miriam and remembering what Jewish women like Jan contributed to freedom and the work of Tikun Olam to repair the world.
We fill Miriam’s cup with water to honor her role in ensuring the survival of the Jewish people. Like Miriam, Jewish women in all generations have been essential for the continuity of our people.
May Jan’s memory inspire women of all faiths to fight for freedom for everyone and recommitment to repairing the world.
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In partnership with the Hanson Park Conservancy, we will be installing a Lyman Whitaker Wind Sculptures in the Triangle.
The Double Spinner will reflect Jan’s spirit and enthusiasm for life. It will also be a beacon to the Cranford community and encourage more people to visit Hanson Park.
As I have shared this option with a few people, they talk about the Double Spinner as beautiful and alluring.
I agree that it is both, but the wind sculpture will never be as gorgeous or as mesmerizing as Jan. When I met her, I knew she was the only one for me.
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Artwork graciously provided by Emi Sato.
I have become a kinder, friendlier person.
Most of the change in my personability results from Jan’s love.
I believe I had a similar impact on Jan.
The death of my parents also helped me grow and change into a better father and husband.
Now I am on a journey without Jan physically with me. However, the portion of her soul I have always had is still with me.
I do what I can to help others in my grief groups, community, and day-to-day life.
Each act of kindness repairs the world and gives my life meaning and purpose.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
I remember reading portions of Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at different times, but I never finished the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after the passing of Jan, the book came up for discussion in one of my groups. Frankl's theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for "meaning," centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.
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by Maaza Mengiste
The Shadow King: A Novel by Maaza Mengiste is a book happened to offer two often overlooked threads of history. The first is Mussolini’s 1935 invasion of Ethiopia. The second one I am most interested in is the women soldiers who were left out of the historical record. I highly recommend The Shadow King. It is a gorgeously crafted and unputdownable exploration of female power and what it means to be a woman at war.
Hirut and Aster come alive in Maaza Mengiste talented writing. Their struggles to be seen as equal in a society at war is engaging. Hirut’s plan to create a shadow kingpin the absence of Emperor Haile Selassie is one that turns defeat into victory.
Goodreads provides a good overview of the book.
With the threat of Mussolini’s army looming, recently orphaned Hirut struggles to adapt to her new life as a maid in Kidane and his wife Aster’s household. Kidane, an officer in Emperor Haile Selassie’s army, rushes to mobilize his most muscular men before the Italians invaded. His initial kindness to Hirut shifts into flinty cruelty when she resists his advances. Hirut finds herself tumbling into a new world of thefts and violations, betrayals, and overwhelming rage. Meanwhile, Mussolini’s technologically advanced army prepared for an easy victory. Hundreds of thousands of Italians―Jewish photographer Ettore among them―march on Ethiopia seeking adventure.
As the war begins in earnest, Hirut, Aster, and the other women long to do more than care for the wounded and bury the dead. When Emperor Haile Selassie goes into exile and Ethiopia quickly loses hope, Hirut offers a plan to maintain morale. She helps disguise a gentle peasant as the emperor and soon becomes his guard, inspiring other women to take arms against the Italians. But how could she have predicted her war as a prisoner of one of Italy’s most vicious officers, who would force her to pose before Ettore’s camera?
What follows is a gorgeously crafted and unputdownable exploration of female power, with Hirut as the fierce, original, and brilliant voice at its heart. In incandescent, lyrical prose, Maaza Mengiste breathes life into complicated characters on both sides of the battle line, shaping a heartrending, unforgettable exploration of what it means to be a woman at war.
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by Viktor E. Frankl
I remember reading portions of Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl at different times, but I never finished the book. However, recently, eight and a half months after the passing of Jan, my wife, the book came up for discussion in one of my groups. Frankl’s theory of logotherapy, which derives from the Greek word for “meaning,” centers around the idea that the primary human drive is not pleasure, as Freud believed, but rather the search for what gives life meaning. I now have a framework for my life without Jan.
For those like me who are widows, Frankl understands suffering,
In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.
Jan and I lived meaningful lives. My challenge now is to continue to find meaning in my life without Jan.
As Frankl writes,
Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how.
The love Jan and I shared was one of my primary sources of meaning. In addition, I stopped working full-time at the end of 2018 and struggled to replace the purpose I had gained from repairing the world. After Jan died, I suffered the “provisional existence of an unknown limit, ” which Frankl experienced when he was in the concentration camps.
I have replaced the loss of meaning and purpose with a series of activities:
I am also beginning to serve on the board of a few non-profits. It is time to transition from hands-on work to providing leadership differently.
Will this be enough to give my life meaning?
Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.
I must continue focusing on my search for meaning, as life will change over time.
My grief journey has taught me that love never dies,
For the first time in my life, I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.
My path forward is to keep Jan’s love alive and continue to share it with others.
I recommend this book without reservation.
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by Amy Jo Burns
Today, I started reading Mercury: A Novel about a roofing family. The family’s bond of loyalty is tested when they uncover a long-hidden secret at the heart of their blue-collar town. The book is written by Amy Jo Burns, the author of the critically acclaimed novel Shiner, which I read and enjoyed in 2022. I highly recommend it.
The story is set in 1990, and it follows the journey of a seventeen-year-old girl named Marley West, who arrives in the river valley town of Mercury, Pennsylvania. She is a loner who is looking for a place to belong. The first thing she sees when she gets to town is three men standing on a rooftop, and they soon become her whole world.
Marley becomes a young wife to one of the Joseph brothers, The One Who Got Away to another, and an adopted mother to all of them. Marley guides these unruly men as their mother fades away and their roofing business crumbles under the weight of their unwieldy father’s inflated ego. Years later, an eerie discovery in the church attic causes old wounds to resurface, and suddenly, the family’s survival hangs in the balance.
With Marley as their guide, the Joseph brothers must decide whether they can save the family they’ve always known or build something more substantial in its place.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Claudia Dey
I started reading “Daughter: A Novel” by Claudia Dey today. According to Mona Dean, to be loved by your father is to be loved by God. Mona is a playwright, actress, and daughter of a man who is famous for a great novel. However, her father’s needs and insecurities significantly impact the women in his family, including Mona, her sister, her half-sister, and their mothers.
Mona’s father’s infidelity shattered her childhood, causing her to be in opposition to her stepmother, who also suffered from his actions. Mona’s father begins a new affair, and he confides in her. She enjoys his attention painfully and parasitically. When he confesses to his wife, Mona is blamed for the disruption, punished for her father’s actions, and kicked out of the family.
Mona’s life is chaotic, and she struggles to regain stability. Only when she experiences a profound and defining loss does she begin to replace absent love with real love? Pushed to the brink, she must decide how she wants to live, what Mona needs to say, and the risks she’s willing to take to say it.
Claudia Dey provides penetrating insight and devilish humor to chronicle our most intimate lives in “Daughter.” It’s an obsessive and blazing examination of the forces that drive us to become, create, and break free.
by Margaret Atwood
The Testaments: The Sequel to The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood is a sequel worth reading.
The novel alternates between the perspectives of three women presented as portions of a manuscript written by one (the Ardua Hall Holograph) and testimonies by the other two. Being an amateur historian, I found this a fascinating way for Ms. Atwood to write this book.
Aunt Lydia is the author of the Ardua Hall Holograph, which is a surprise based on her role in The Handmaid’s Tale. It is a surprise that she is a mole who despises Gilead and works for the resistance.
The other characters are young women who, along with Aunt Lydia, are forced to come to terms with who she is and how far she will go for what she believes.
Agnes Jemima was born in Gilead and is being educated not to be literate but to be a wife. She finds out her parents are not who she thought they were when Agnes discovers she is the daughter of a Handmaid.
Daisy was raised in Toronto, lives with her adoptive parents, and is an educated woman. As noted in most reviews, Daisy is also the daughter of a Handmaid. She is Baby Nicole from the original book, and Gilead wants her to return.
by Diane Oliver
Today, I began reading Diane Oliver‘s Neighbors and Other Stories. It’s a powerful and eerie debut collection of stories that portrays the struggles of different characters as they face the everyday dangers of racism during the Jim Crow era. The book features an introduction by Tayari Jones.
Diane Oliver is an important yet often overlooked figure in African American literature of the 20th century. She was a gifted writer, ahead of her time, whose talent was cut short by her untimely death at 22 in 1966. Nevertheless, she left behind a remarkable collection of crisply written and often chilling tales that delve into race and racism in America during the 1950s and 60s. Oliver’s insightful stories remain relevant today; this is the only existing collection of her works. She has rightfully earned her place in the literary canon as a masterful storyteller.
The passage below describes several short stories with different themes. The first story, “The Closet on the Top Floor,” tells the story of Winifred, the first Black student in a newly integrated college. In this story, Winifred begins to disappear, creating a nightmarish scenario. The second story is titled “Mint Juleps not Served Here.” It’s about a couple who live deep in a forest with their son. They will go to bloody lengths to protect him from any danger. The third story, “Spiders Cry without Tears,” features a couple named Meg and Walt. They must confront prejudices and strains of interracial and extramarital love. Finally, the last story is the titular one, and it’s a high-tension narrative that follows a nervous older sister the night before her younger brother is set to desegregate his school.
These are powerful and personal depictions of African American families‘ everyday struggles and moments of distress, illustrating how they utilize their abilities to overcome challenges. “Neighbors” is an enthralling compilation and a valuable historical and social document, displaying the remarkable literary skills of a previously overlooked author.
by Jeff Goodell
I recently started reading “The Heat Will Kill You First” by Jeff Goodell, which delves into the extreme ways our planet is already changing. The book explores how spring is arriving earlier and fall is arriving later and how this will impact our food supply and disease outbreaks. As I have stated in my Action Alert: EPA’s Carbon Rule, the time to act is now.
The book also predicts the consequences of summer days in cities like Chicago and Boston, reaching temperatures as high as 110°F. Goodell explains that heat waves are used only to affect the most vulnerable people, but as they become more intense and familiar, they will affect everyone.
It is becoming increasingly clear that the world is facing a new reality. In California, wildfires are now seasonal, while the Northeast is experiencing less and less snow each winter. Meanwhile, the Arctic and Antarctic ice sheets are melting alarmingly. Heat is the primary threat that is driving all other impacts of the climate crisis. As temperatures rise, it exposes weaknesses in our governments, politics, economy, and values.
The basic science is straightforward: If we stop burning fossil fuels tomorrow, the global temperature will also stop rising. However, if we wait for 50 years to stop burning them, the temperature will continue to rise, making parts of our planet uninhabitable. The responsibility to act is in our hands. The hotter it gets, the more our underlying issues will surface and expand.
Jeff Goodell has been an award-winning journalist in the field of environmental reporting for several decades. His latest book explains how extreme heat will cause significant changes in the world. The book is an excellent blend of scientific insights and on-the-ground storytelling, and Goodell explores some of the most significant questions surrounding the topic. He reveals that extreme heat is a force we have yet to comprehend fully.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
by Ann Patchett
Today, I began reading Tom Lake by Ann Patchett. The novel beautifully explores family, love, and growing up. Patchett once again proves herself as one of America’s finest writers. Both hopeful and mournful, it explores happiness even when the world falls apart.
The story follows Lara’s three daughters, who return to the family’s orchard in Northern Michigan in the spring of 2020. While picking cherries, they ask their mother about Peter Duke, a famous actor with whom she had a romance years before at a theater company called Tom Lake.
As Lara reminisces, her daughters are confronted with their own lives and relationships with their mothers, leading them to reevaluate everything they thought they knew. With its hopeful and mournful tone, the novel is a testament to the transformative power of understanding what happiness truly means, even amid chaos. Patchett’s compelling narrative artistry and profound insights into family dynamics weave a rich and luminous story, showcasing why she is one of our time’s most revered and acclaimed literary talents.
I have also read Patchett’s Bel Canto, a compelling tale that explores themes of strength, vulnerability, love, and confinement. It ultimately tells an inspiring story of transcendent romance.
The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.
I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.
