Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Final Hugs

My Chosen Family Helps Me Manage Grief

Introducing my Friends to JanFamily is and always will be crucial to my health and welfare. I love my two sons, their wives, and my two grandsons.

However, I have also benefited from being part of a chosen family.

As Melissa Kirsch wrote in the NY Times, “Chosen families are created outside the structures of (and often in place of) the traditional nuclear family.”

No one would choose to be a widow, but having lost the love of my life, I am happy to be part of a chosen family of widows.

We love and support each other. Like any family, we are there whenever any member needs our assistance.

At Camp Widow, twenty-four members of our chosen family met, many for the first time. We were the largest group in attendance.

I will need love and support from my biological and chosen families as long as I live.


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Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!

One of the features of Camp Widow is the memory wall. Every participant has the opportunity to submit a photo with a message about their loved ones. I choose the one from the Monarch Housing retirement dinner. As I always did when Jan was in the room when I spoke, I introduced her. I would […]
Jan Lilien

Jan’s Smiles Soothe My Soul!

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!Jan’s smile is what I remember most.

Her smiles were contagious and a kaleidoscope of joy and happiness.

Jan’s smiles seduced me and continued to do that even after her death.

Now I can see that smile in almost five decades of Kodachrome photos.

When I got my Apple Watch, I selected a photo for the watch face of her smiling at me when I introduced her at a farewell dinner when I ceased working full-time.

Six months before she was diagnosed with lymphoma, a professional photographer captured Jan’s smiling face.

It is one of my favorites and is my background on Zoom.

Seeing Jan smiling at me soothes my soul and reminds me that our love will never die.


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Jan’s Smiles Were Kaleidoscopes of Joy

Every day, I would say something special to Jan. She was like a kaleidoscope. Her smile always reflected unique and beautiful new images that filled my heart and soul with happiness. When I saw those glorious images, I would tell Jan how much I loved her and how happy I was to share a life […]
Jan's Smile is Still With Me!

Cloudy With Jan’s Smile Shining on Me!

Happy together!Jan was and always will be the love of my life.

From the day we met, I was sure she would survive me.

My future looked cloudy and uncertain in the first few weeks after Jan died. But it is I who is on the grief journey.

Although I cannot quantify what my life will be, I can now at least envision that there is a life for me after the loss of the love of my life.

Andrew Huberman’s neuroscience research has helped me focus on Jan’s truth and positive memories.

I know Jan’s spirit and smile will be with me and guide me in whatever opportunities life provides me.


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Jan’s Smile is Still With Me!

Jan and I always believed that smiling is essential, even in the darkest moments. I have seen thousands of Jan's smiles, but I remember one more than others. Six months before her lymphoma diagnosis, I was ending my full-time work career. I always introduced Jan and thanked her for her love and support.

If you are honoring me, I only deserve it because of the love and support of my wife, Jan!

Much Ado About Nothing

Much Ado About Everything

Jon, Jan, and MikeLast night, I enjoyed watching the NJ Shakespeare Theatre‘s outdoor performance of Much Ado About Nothing. The final performance of the season is Sunday, July 31.

Nick, my oldest grandson and a friend of his, joined me for a lovely evening.

It was the first time I had attended the outdoor stage since Jan died. Last year, I planned to go by myself, but the weather canceled the performances I could attend.

Jan and I have always enjoyed this play. Jan especially liked the tempestuous Beatrice’s comment.

O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the marketplace!

The play is also a good metaphor for my grief journey. A year ago, I worried about everything.

This much ado about everything was not helpful. It would lead me down rabbit holes of despair. Support groups, therapy, and Andrew Huberman’s neuroscience research have helped me focus on Jan’s genuine love for me and decades of positive memories.

Love never dies.


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Managing Grief’s Roller Coaster

During my grief journey, my emotions have been all over the place. I have been sad, lonely, happy, and on rare occasions, experienced something close to happiness. This classic roller coaster was stressful and frightening in the early days. Focusing on Andrew Huberman’s neuroscience research on grief has helped me feel liberated and calm. The […]
The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

Game of Life or Life’s Story?

Jon Brown Bar Mitzvah January 15, 1994I have referenced David Brooks, specifically The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life, and his essays about life’s essential issues.

His July 22, 2022, column, entitled Is Life a Story or a Game?, is one that resonated with me. A PDF link for those who do not subscribe to the NY Times.

I concur with Brooks’s opinion expressed in this paragraph.

Maturity means rising above the shallow desire — for status — that doesn’t really nourish us. It’s about cultivating the higher desires: The desire for a good and meaningful life that inspires people to commit daily acts of generosity.

My life as a widow has been made easier by writing a daily online journal. Few read it, which is fine as I am not writing for likes or shares.

My posts and streams are part of either a continuous love letter to Jan or the first draft of our love story.


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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

When I read The Second Mountain, it became clear that Jan and I never even attempted to climb the first mountain. We were constantly climbing the second mountain. We had chosen to do work that repaired the world; we both had a faith community and lived in a community. All we were missing as far as commitments when we met was each other. Our love for each other provided the missing link and allowed us to climb to the top of the second mountain.

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My Never-Ending Conversation with Jan

My Never-Ending Conversation with Jan

Happy together!Every day I speak to Jan, a good marriage is a life-long conversation.

Sometimes, these are about mundane tasks such as shopping, laundry, et cetera.

In July, I have two critical messages that I shared with her.

One is our new grandson Wes. His middle name is Jude which is a way to continue her name and a nod to The Beatles and their song Hey Jude.

Jan may not be able to hold Wes Jude, but when I do, I kiss him twice, once for her and then for me.

The second message I want to share with her is that I am alone and in grief, but I am still and always will be in love with her.

I begin and end every conversation with Jan by saying how much I love her.


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Happy Birthday, Wes Jude Nucero!

Jude, the middle name, honors Jan, the love of my life, Mike's mom, and Wes's grandmother. It also shows her love of music, especially The Beatles and Hey Jude.

God, in her infinite and divine wisdom, had Wes Jude born fourteen months after Jan died. Wes Jude's birth on this day is a true blessing for Jan, Jude, and our family.

Reverence for Life

Compassionate Awareness

Jan Lilien and Richard W. BrownMy family, friends, and the members of my Zoom and Signal support groups have been empathetic and supportive of me.

Without their support, I would not be where I am on my grief journey.

Today I re-read this short essay from Albert Schweitzer‘s Reverence for Life and was reassured that genuine kindness is possible if we do not allow our hearts to grow numb.

If only you would stop being thoughtless and stop flinching from the challenge to learn reverence for life and true empathy, if only you could be absorbed in compassionate awareness, I would rest content. – Albert Schweitzer

I often think about compassion and empathy, which often appear in short supply.

During Camp Widow, several people asked why I was so empathetic.

The simple answer is Jan’s love for me. The full explanation may require a whole post.


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Final Hugs
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Jan Lilien
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Jan's Smile is Still With Me!
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Much Ado About Nothing
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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

Read: May 2019

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

by David Brooks

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life by David Brooks is a book I often recommend. Mr. Brooks writes about the first mountain that most people climb. The book challenges the reader to “live for a cause greater than themselves.”

It is about “to be a success, make your mark, experience personal happiness.” Even when they reach the top of the mountain, most people find they are unhappy. The climb to the summit has become unsatisfying.

On the second mountain, life moves from self-centered to other-centered.” Life becomes interdependent, not independent; it becomes a life of commitment, not about us.

Mr. Brooks “explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community.

We live in a society, Brooks argues, that celebrates freedom, that tells us to be true to ourselves, at the expense of surrendering to a cause, rooting ourselves in a neighborhood, binding ourselves to others by social solidarity and love. We have taken individualism to the extreme—and in the process we have torn the social fabric in a thousand different ways.

When I read The Second Mountain, it became clear that Jan and I never even attempted to climb the first mountain. We were constantly climbing the second mountain.

We had chosen to do work that repaired the world; we both had a faith community and lived in a community.

All we were missing as far as commitments when we met was each other. Our love for each other provided the missing link and allowed us to climb to the top of the second mountain.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life
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My Never-Ending Conversation with Jan
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Reverence for Life
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Worry: A Novel

Read: May 2024

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Worry: A Novel

by Alexandra Tanner

Today, I began reading Alexandra Tanner‘s debut novel, Worry: A Novel. The New Yorker praised it as “dryly witty,” The New York Times Book Review called it “fabulously revealing.” The story follows two siblings-turned-roommates who try to navigate an absurd world on the verge of calamity. It explores existentialism and sisterhood in a Seinfeldian style.

In March 2019, Jules Gold, a 28-year-old woman, felt anxious, frustrated with her art, and addicted to the internet. She lives alone in the apartment she used to share with her ex-fiancé. Her younger sister Poppy unexpectedly comes to stay with her indefinitely. Poppy, who attempted suicide a year and a half ago, is looking for work and purpose in Brooklyn. Meanwhile, Jules spends her days scrolling through the feeds of Mormon mommy bloggers and waiting for something to happen in her life.

Poppy’s hives, which she has had since childhood, flare up again. Jules has health problems with her uterus. Poppy adopts a poorly behaved-rescue dog named Amy Klobuchar. Poppy’s mother, who recently became a devout Messianic Jew, starts believing in the same deep-state conspiracy theories as Jules’ online mommies. Jules half-heartedly tries to find the source of her ennui and cruelly blames Poppy for not being a good enough friend, writer, or sister. As the year progresses and a new decade approaches, a disastrous trip back to Florida forces Jules and Poppy to question their futures and whether they want to spend them together or apart.

Worry is a darkly funny and deadpan portrayal of two sisters struggling through anxiety and uncertainty in America. A bold new voice in contemporary fiction writes it.

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Hello Beautiful

Read: March 2023

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Hello Beautiful

by Ann Napolitano

Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano is a gorgeous, profoundly moving portrait of what’s possible when we choose to love someone, not despite who they are but because of it. Although several sources recommended Hello Beautiful, I chose the novel based on the title as it is how I always greeted Jan. I highly recommend this book as it is one of the best I have ever read.

Hello Beautiful is an exquisite homage to Louisa May Alcott’s timeless classic, Little Women. Knowing it was not him, William Waters’s experience growing up as an only child was an engaging character in the early portion of the novel. However, my hero was Sylvie, the dreamer who pursued true love and found it in a place one would less expect to find it. The consequences of her love reverberate over decades in their families

The following passage is one example of a well-written book.

We’re separated from the world by our own edges,” Charlie Padavano says to Sylvie in “Hello Beautiful.” He continues, “We’re all interconnected, and when you see that, you see how beautiful life is.

The interconnections of the characters make this novel one of the best I have read. If only more of us could learn the lessons that Charlie Padavano shared with Sylvie.

As a man on a lifetime grief journey, this exchange echoes my experience.

When an old person dies,” Kent said, “even if that person is wonderful, he or she is still somewhat ready, and so are the people who loved them. They’re like old trees, whose roots have loosened in the ground. They fall gently. But when someone like your aunt Sylvie dies—before her time—her roots get pulled out and the ground is ripped up. Everyone nearby is in danger of being knocked over.”

Grief is love.” Now Alice thought: Forgiveness is too.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

William Waters grew up in a house silenced by tragedy, where his parents could hardly bear to look at him, much less love him. So it’s a relief when his skill on the basketball court earns him a scholarship to college, far away from his childhood home. He soon meets Julia Padavano, a spirited and ambitious young woman who surprises William with her appreciation of his quiet steadiness. With Julia comes her family; she is inseparable from her three younger sisters: Sylvie, the dreamer, is happiest with her nose in a book and imagines a future different from the expected path of wife and mother; Cecelia, the family’s artist; and Emeline, who patiently takes care of all of them. Happily, the Padavanos fold Julia’s new boyfriend into their loving, chaotic household.

But then darkness from William’s past surfaces, jeopardizing not only Julia’s carefully orchestrated plans for their future, but the sisters’ unshakeable loyalty to one another. The result is a catastrophic family rift that changes their lives for generations. Will the loyalty that once rooted them be strong enough to draw them back together when it matters most?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Universality

Read: August 2025

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Universality: A Novel

by Natasha Brown

Universality,” a thrilling novel by the acclaimed young author Natasha Brown, is a compelling and unsettling celebration of the extraordinary—and often troubling—power of language. It dares readers to face the raw, astonishing force of words and challenges them not to look away. Longlisted for the THE 2025 Booker Prize, this novel promises an extraordinary reading experience!

Late one night on a Yorkshire farm, amid an illegal rave, a young man is nearly bludgeoned to death with a solid gold bar.

An ambitious young journalist sets out to uncover the truth surrounding the attack, connecting the dots between an amoral banker landlord, an iconoclastic newspaper columnist, and a radical anarchist movement that has taken up residence on the farm. She solves the mystery, but her viral exposé raises more questions than it answers. Through a voyeuristic lens, and with a simmering power, Universality focuses on words: what we say, how we say it, and what we mean.


Natasha Brown was recognized as one of Granta’s Best of Young British Novelists. Her debut novel, Assembly, received nominations for the Folio Prize, the Goldsmiths Prize, and the Orwell Prize for Political Fiction.



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Vigil: A Novel

Read: January 2026

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Vigil: A Novel

by George Saunders 

With the wisdom, playfulness, and explosive imagination we’ve come to expect from George Saunders, Vigil addresses some of the most pressing issues of our time, including corporate greed, the toll of capitalism, and the environmental dangers associated with progress. In doing so, it weaves a narrative that explores themes of life and death, good and evil, and the complex question of absolution. The New York Times has listed it as one of “The Novels Everyone Will Be Talking About in 2026.”

Not for the first time, Jill “Doll” Blaine finds herself hurtling toward earth, reconstituting as she falls, right down to her favorite black pumps. She plummets towards her newest charge, yet another soul she must usher into the afterlife, and lands headfirst in the circular drive of his ornate mansion.

She has performed this sacred duty 343 times since her own death. Her charges, as a rule, have been greatly comforted in their final moments. But this charge, she soon discovers, isn’t like the others. The powerful K. J. Boone claims he has nothing to regret. He lived a big, bold, epic life, and the world is better for it. Isn’t it?

Vigil transports us, careening, through the wild final evening of a complicated man. Visitors begin to arrive (worldly and otherworldly, alive and dead), clamoring for a reckoning. Birds swarm the dying man’s room; a black calf grazes on the love seat; a man from a distant, drought-ravaged village materializes; two oil-business cronies from decades past show up with chilling plans for Boone’s post-death future.


George Saunders is the author of thirteen books, including the novel Lincoln in the Bardo, which won the Booker Prize, and five collections of stories, including Tenth of December, which was a finalist for the National Book Award, and the recent collection Liberation Day (selected by former President Obama as one of his ten favorite books of 2022).

Three of Saunders’s books—Pastoralia, Tenth of December, and Lincoln in the Bardo—were chosen for The New York Times’s list of the 100 Best Books of the 21st Century. Saunders hosts the popular Story Club on Substack, which grew out of his book, A Swim in a Pond in the Rain. In 2013, he was named one of Time’s 100 Most Influential People. He teaches in the creative writing program at Syracuse University.



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Let Us Descend: A Novel

Read: November 2023

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Let Us Descend: A Novel

by Jesmyn Ward

Today, I started reading Let Us Descend: A Novel by Jesmyn Ward. She is a two-time National Book Award winner, the youngest winner of the Library of Congress Prize for American Fiction, and a MacArthur Fellow. The book is a haunting masterpiece that is sure to become an instant classic. It tells the story of an enslaved girl in the years before the Civil War.

The book’s title is from Dante Alighieri’s Inferno: “‘Let us descend,’ the poet now began, ‘and enter this blind world.” Let Us Descend is a reimagining of American slavery, beautifully rendered yet heart-wrenching. The novel takes us on a journey from the rice fields of the Carolinas to the slave markets of New Orleans and into the fearsome heart of a Louisiana sugar plantation.

Annis is the reader’s guide through this hellscape, sold south by the white enslaver who fathered her. As Annis struggles through the miles-long march, she turns inward, seeking comfort from memories of her mother and stories of her African warrior grandmother. Throughout the journey, she opens herself to a world beyond this world, one teeming with spirits: of earth and water, of myth and history, spirits who nurture and give, and those who manipulate and take. While Ward leads readers through the descent, this, her fourth novel, is ultimately a story of rebirth and reclamation.

Let Us Descend is a magnificent novel that inscribes Black American grief and joy in the very land of the American South. Ward’s writing takes you through the rich but unforgiving forests, swamps, and rivers of the South, making this novel a masterwork for the ages.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel

Read: July 2024

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Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel

by Gabrielle Zevin

I delved into the pages of “Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow: A Novel” by Gabrielle Zevin. The narrative unfolds the lives of Sam and Sadie, two college friends who evolve into creative partners in video game design. Their journey is a tapestry of fame, joy, tragedy, duplicity, and a form of immortality, all woven into a unique love story that captivated me like no other.

This love story uniquely portrays the challenges and triumphs of a relationship in the context of their shared creative endeavors.

On a bitter-cold day in December of his junior year at Harvard, Sam Masur exits a subway car and sees Sadie Green amid the hordes of people waiting on the platform. He calls her name. For a moment, she pretends she hasn’t heard him, but then, she turns, and a game begins: a legendary collaboration that will launch them to stardom.

These friends, who have been close since childhood, take bold steps, borrow money, and seek favors. Even before they graduate from college, they have birthed their first blockbuster, Ichigo. In a blink, the world is at their feet. Sam and Sadie, not yet twenty-five, are shining with brilliance, success, and wealth. But these attributes can’t shield them from their emotional rollercoaster of creative aspirations and the heartbreaks that come with it.

Spanning thirty years, from Cambridge, Massachusetts, to Venice Beach, California, and lands in between and far beyond, Gabrielle Zevin‘s Tomorrow, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow provides a profound exploration of the diverse nature of identity, disability, failure, the redemptive possibilities in play, and above all, our deep-seated need to connect: to be loved and to love. It’s a journey that will make you reflect on your life and relationships.



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