Alone and Lonely Without Jan

Estimated reading time: 0 minutes, 42 seconds

When Jan came home for hospice, my reassuring answer was that I would be living alone but not be lonely.

I still hold to that position despite being very lonely.

As Michaela says in Joyce Carol Oates‘s phrases in Breathe,

What marriage is, this penetration of the soul by the soul of another in which bodies are but the medium. You can recall now only dimly lovemaking as if it had taken place in a previous life.

Jan and I share a portion of each other’s souls. We are bound together for eternity as love never dies.

Celebrate Jan

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Reluctantly Home

Read: June 2022

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Reluctantly Home

by Imogen Clark

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark is about dealing with the past—and finally facing the future-a topic that was appealing to me. Thirteen months into my grief journey, I live between a perfect past and an unknowable future. Will Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark help me manage these two worlds?

Surprisingly it did. Unlike the two protagonists, I am mourning losing Jan, the love of my life. However, the neuromapping in my brain made it impossible to understand how to continue to love Jan and separate that from the time and space connections that made me believe she would return at any moment.

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark helped me understand that grief should and cannot define us forever. I recommend this book to all readers, not only those on a grief journey like mine.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Pip Appleby seems to have it all, with her prestigious job as a human rights lawyer and her enviable London home. But then a tragic accident stops her life in its tracks, and everything changes instantly. Retreating to her family’s rural farm and the humble origins she has been trying to hide, Pip is haunted by what she has done.

When she discovers the diary of actress Evelyn Mountcastle in a box of old books, Pip revels in the opportunity to lose herself in someone else’s life rather than focus on the disaster that is her own. But soon, she sees parallels—Evelyn’s life was also beset by tragedy, and, like Pip, she returned to Southwold under a dark cloud.

When Pip and Evelyn’s paths cross in real life, they slowly begin to reveal the hidden stories holding them back. Can they help each other forgive what happened in the past and, perhaps, find happiness in the future?


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Rejection: Fiction

Read: December 2024

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Rejection: Fiction

by Tony Tulathimutte

Today, I dove into Tony Tulathimutte‘s “Rejection: Fiction,” and I’m already captivated! This book was longlisted for the 2024 National Book Award in Fiction and named a New York Times Best Book of the Year. Tulathimutte, known for his award-winning work “Private Citizens,” weaves together a series of electrifying linked stories that keenly examine how rejection weaves its way into the lives and relationships of his deeply intertwined characters.

With sharp observations and outrageous humor, *Rejection* delves into the most sensitive issues of modern life. This collection of seven interconnected stories transitions smoothly between the personal crises of a complex cast of characters and the comic tragedies associated with sex, relationships, identity, and the internet.

In “The Feminist,” a young man’s passionate allyship turns into furious nihilism as he realizes, after thirty lonely years, that his efforts are not leading to romantic success or even getting laid; in “Pics,” a young woman’s unrequited crush spirals into obsession, systematically eroding her sense of self. “Ahegao; or, The Ballad of Sexual Repression,” depicts a shy late bloomer whose fumbling attempts at a first relationship result in a life-changing mistake. As these characters intersect through dating apps, social media feeds, dimly lit bars, and bedrooms, they reveal how our delusions can distort our desire for connection.

These brilliant satires examine the understated sorrows of rejection with a modern classic’s authority and a manifesto’s frenetic energy. Bold and unforgettable, Rejection is a striking mosaic that redefines what it means to face rejection from lovers, friends, society, and oneself.



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The Colony

Read: March 2025

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The Colony: A Novel

by Annika Norlin

Today, I explored “The Colony,” Annika Norlin‘s debut novel, which Alice E. Olsson has skillfully translated. This sensational bestseller from Sweden has captured the imagination of readers around the globe, with its rights sold in over a dozen countries and an exciting TV adaptation in the works. “The Colony,” has quickly become one of the most talked-about literary sensations since Fredrik Backman’s ‘A Man Called Ove.’

Winner of the Vi Literature Award and Swedish Radio’s Novel Prize, two of Sweden’s most prestigious literary awards, “The Colony” is a compelling portrayal of contemporary society and its alternatives.

Burned out from a demanding job and the hectic pace of city life, Emelie decides to spend a few days in the countryside. There, amidst the peaceful, green hills by the river, she encounters a mysterious group of seven people, each with personal stories marked by pain, alienation, and a longing to live differently. They are misfits in their ways, all led by the enigmatic and charismatic Sara.

How did they end up in this place? Are they content with the rigid roles assigned to them? And what happens when an outsider arrives, initially drawn to their alternative lifestyle, but inevitably disrupts their way of life?

A masterful blend of humor, emotion, unforgettable characters, and sharp social commentary, “The Colony” is a magnetic and deeply touching story about love, community, and our profound influence over one another.


Annika Norlin is a Swedish author, songwriter, and artist. She releases music under her name and through her projects, Säkert! and Hello Saferide. Her collection of short stories, “I See Everything You Do,” has been nominated for several awards. “The Colony” is her debut novel.

Alice E. Olsson is a literary translator, writer, and editor. She has served as the Cultural Affairs Adviser at the Embassy of Sweden in London and has received a fellowship and multiple grants from the Swedish Arts Council. Olsson was a nominee for the 2020 Peirene Stevns Translation Prize and the 2023 Bernard Shaw Prize.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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The Liberators

Read: November 2023

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The Liberators

by E. J. Koh

I started reading The Liberators by E. J. Koh today. The book is a debut novel about Insuk, a 24-year-old Daejeon, a South Korean college student who falls in love with her classmate, Sungho. They get married with her father’s blessing. Still, things take a turn for the worse as the military dictatorship, martial law, and nationwide protests bring the country to the brink of collapse, and Insuk’s father mysteriously disappears.

After her father’s disappearance, Insuk escapes to California with Sungho, their son Henry, and his overbearing mother. Struggling to adapt to their new life, Insuk mourns the loss of her past and her homeland, only to find solace in an illicit affair that sets in motion a chain of events that will reverberate for generations.

The Liberators is a powerful family saga that spans four generations and two continents. E. J. Koh expertly captures the lives of two Korean families as they navigate love, war, trauma, and empathy. This debut novel is a gripping testament to the consequences of inheritance and the power of memory.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Worst Hard Time

Read: September 2019

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The Worst Hard Time

by Timothy Egan

The Worst Hard Time: The Untold Story of Those Who Survived the Great American Dust Bowl by Timothy Egan was initially a book I selected from the e-library because nothing else I wanted to read was available. Once I started reading the book, I could not put it down.

Now that we have had the warmest summer since 1936 during the dust bowl, the book has even more meaning.

According to The New York Times,

The dust storms that terrorized the High Plains in the darkest years of the Depression were like nothing ever seen before or since. Timothy Egan’s critically acclaimed account rescues this iconic chapter of American history from the shadows in a tour de force of historical reportage. Following a dozen families and their communities through the rise and fall of the region, Egan tells of their desperate attempts to carry on through blinding black dust blizzards, crop failure, and the death of loved ones. Brilliantly capturing the terrifying drama of catastrophe, Egan does equal justice to the human characters who become his heroes, “the stoic, long-suffering men and women whose lives he opens up with urgency and respect.”

With the likelihood of more ecological catastrophes in the immediate future, this is a book I highly recommend.

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A Harvest of Secrets- A Novel

Read: August 2022

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A Harvest of Secrets: A Novel

by Roland Merullo

After reading Aftermirth, I wanted a book I could enjoy without raising questions I was not ready to answer. A Harvest of Secrets by Roland Merullo was set in Italy in 1943. The terror seeds planted by Hitler brought Allied forces to Italian soil. Young lovers separated by war—one near a Tuscan hill town, the other a soldier on the Sicilian front—will meet any challenge to reunite. Historical fiction is a genre I enjoy. Will this book fulfill my needs? The answer is yes.

The web of secrets that are harvested kept me on my toes. Usually, the surprises of a novel are ones that I know even before finishing the book. At least one of the secrets did surprise me.

I also found the background of the war and loyalty to Il Duce a reminder that blind loyalty to a leader can destroy a nation.

I recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Vittoria SanAntonio, the daughter of a prosperous vineyard owner, is caught in a web of family secrets. Defying her domineering father, she has fallen for humble vineyard keeper Carlo Conte. When Carlo is conscripted into Mussolini’s army, it sets a fire in Vittoria, and she joins the resistance. As the Nazi war machine encroaches, Vittoria is drawn into dangers as unknowable as those faced by the man she loves.

Badly wounded on the first day of the invasion, Carlo regains consciousness on a farm in Sicily. Nursed back to health by a kind family there, he embarks on an arduous journey north through his ravaged homeland. For Carlo and Vittoria, as wartime threats mount and their paths diverge, what lies ahead will test their courage as never before.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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