Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Happy Widow

The Wind Sculpture – A Poem

Mark Annett

Mark Annett in front of the Wind Sculpture

Jan’s Memorial Triangle Garden in Hanson Park, featuring The Wind Sculpture by Lyman Whitaker Wind Sculptures, is truly a sight to behold. Its recent installation on November 4, 2022, has already become a source of inspiration.

My dear friend Mark Annett was so moved by its beauty that he penned a heartfelt poem during his visit on Saturday. The sculpture’s impact is undeniable, even in its mere one-day existence.

The Wind Sculpture by Mark Annett

The Wind Sculpture 

The blades move in opposite directions, and flower.

The flower they form is always bursting, always blooming.

The renewal is constant and mesmerizing…

The blade in the back turns slightly slower.

Maybe by design or defect… but, it is more beautiful because of it.

I lean against a tree to watch, and I get lost in time.

Suddenly, the blooming has stopped!  

It is an endless pit drawing me in.

I don’t understand, and I am scared, confused…

What has happened?  Why? Is it drawing me down instead of giving me joy?

Is it the pain I sought relief from or the wind?

I realize the winds have slowed.

The blades are moving in the same direction, rather than in the opposite.

I realize that it is both my pain and the wind.

The wind speed increases and the renewal begins again.

I realize that I am grateful for the reminder of the pain so that I can appreciate the beauty more fully.

The pain will always be dizzying when it comes but the winds will always bring renewal.

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Day Two Building Jan’s Memorial Garden

On Day Two, we made progress on Jan's Memorial Triangle Garden, although some of it is not visible to the naked eye.

The garbage can hides the foundation for the wind sculpture.

The wind sculpture and some other plants still need to be fully installed.

Mike and Wes

Smiling Wes Won My Heart!

Mike and WesToday, my happy, smiling grandson, Wes Jude Nucero, is four months old!

When I met him, his smile was identical to grandma Jan’s.

Both of their smiles mesmerized me.

We inherit many traits from our family, but the most precious one is our personality.

Jan’s gift to Wes is priceless.

Although Jan is still with me in spirit, I can experience her smile whenever I look at Wes!

May Wes be blessed with happiness today and every day!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Wes Jude Has Jan’s Smile

Every time I come across Wes Jude or see photos shared by Elyssa or Mike, I can't help but notice the striking resemblance between his smile and that of his grandmother, Jan. Both smiles exude pure joy and are truly mesmerizing. Jan's smile was always a source of delight for my heart and soul, as it reflected unique and beautiful new images.

Wes's infectious smiles have been a source of comfort during a difficult time and have renewed my faith in the future. He has become integral to my life, and I no longer dwell on the past. May Wes's smiles shine bright as a symbol of hope and love that endure beyond life's challenges.

Walking Into My Future!

Walking Into My Future!

Jan Lead's YWCA Strides for Strength WalkI have always walked and will continue to do so as long as I live.

Each step that I take keeps me moving forward.

Being a widow is not easy.

Grief can grab me anytime and pull me back into despair even when I believe I am doing OK.

I have been holding my breath more often than not to ensure that I can take the next step.

Walking allows me to connect to Jan with each step. Although she is always with me, I feel closer to her while afoot.

As the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said,

If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

I do not know what my future will be, but my walks have begun to define the boundaries of my life without Jan.

Love never dies; it is rekindled one step at a time.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Why I Walk Every Day

Even though grief is currently the main focus of my life, I have found comfort in taking walks. Walking helps me to clear my mind, stay physically active, and feel connected to my loved ones. Each step brings me closer to Jan, the love of my life, and reminds me that love never dies; it can be reignited with every step we take.

Life is Good Despite a Few Bad Days

Life is Good Despite a Few Bad Days

Life is Good Despite a Few Bad DaysSome days, it isn’t easy to see the beauty in life.

I try to remind myself to breathe, take a step back, and remember the wonderful life Jan and I shared.

As Viktor Frankl observed, “Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire.”

When we met, Jan and I knew that our love was unique and would be transformative.

When life gets me down, Jan’s words of wisdom lift me,

Richard, you are capable, you are strong, and I believe in you.

Today, I share a video from 2010 that reminds me of the power of love and the gratitude I have for the life we shared.

Our love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Dust Myself Off and Start Over

Jan and I believed in the message in the lyrics by Nat King Cole,

Pick yourself up... Take a deep breath... Dust yourself off And start all over again.

I am reminded of those words as I approach the final hours of my move to a smaller apartment.

The Furrows- A Novel

The Furrows: A Novel

The Furrows: A Novel by Namwali Serpell is a bold exploration of memory and mourning that twists unexpectedly into a story of mistaken identity, double consciousness, and the wishful—and sometimes willful—longing for reunion with those we've lost. Namwali Serpell's remarkable new novel captures the uncanny experience of grief, the way the past breaks over the present like waves in the sea. I highly recommend this book.

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Love Your Neighbor

Love Your Neighbor

Jan with a Therapy DogSunday, I went to Church.

I worship at Temple Sha’arey Shalom, so going to a church on Sunday is unusual.

Yesterday, I was invited by JoAnn, a friend, as she was preaching in place of her pastor, who was on vacation.

Her message was “Love Your Neighbor, Faith in Action.”

JoAnn delivered an important message about how we are all children of God and deserve to be accepted as we are and to love and be loved.

On my grief journey, the love of family and friends, especially new widows, has made it possible for me to not only live without Jan by my side.

When I arrived home, I opened Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson.

I read her poem about how we are all mini miracles.

Hello and

good morning
in case no one has told you
yet today
you are more than ok
and more ok than you think keep
doing what you’re doing keep
going where you’re going
everything is unfolding as it should
even if you can’t see it right now
and most importantly

You are loved

You are made of mini miracles
you strike awe in someone’s heart
you are irreplaceably impressive
you are spectacular as you are

The love that Jan and I shared will never die. I share her passion freely, as we are all mini miracles!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Forever Grateful for Jan’s Love

I glanced at the coffee table and picked up Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson, and in the cold emptiness of my home, I read her poem about giving thanks. With a heart full of gratitude, I tied my shoes and walked in the darkness until the light filled my heart and illuminated my life path.

Embracing My Brokenness

Embracing My Brokenness

Jan and Richard Lovers ForeverLike all of us, I embrace a million shards of my brokenness.

My brokenness existed before Jan died, but now the shards have multiplied, and the fragments are dangerous.

None of us are perfect; until we embrace our brokenness, we have no hope of repairing our broken lives.

Frustrated over my lack of progress in repairing my brokenness, I opened Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson.

I read her poem on embracing damage in my chilly, barren home.

The Japanese have a method
of repairing broken things
they take fragments
shards pieces bits
and affix them back
together
with gold

The cracks
gilded in their splendor
make the whole
more beautiful
than it was before

This is the art
of embracing damage
this is recognizing beauty
in broken things

When Jan and I married, the Rabbi said,

Now Janice and Richard will break the glass wine bottle. Even as the glass shatters, so may their marriage never break! It is a clear message of the brokenness of their prior lives, and they will spend their lives putting the shards of glass back together as they build a life together.

We worked to build a life worth living every day we were married.

May I, now aa a widow, be blessed to be able to embrace my brokenness and seek to repair the damage?


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Broken but Resilient

We are all broken. The challenge is not to repair the shards of our lives but to accept our frailness and rise and overcome our weaknesses.

Before Jan died, I never doubted that I would be able to overcome my failures and pick myself up.

But in the early weeks as a widow, my life was shattered into a million pieces.

The suggestion that I might one day rise and heal was ludicrous.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Happy Widow
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Mike and Wes
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Walking Into My Future!
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Life is Good Despite a Few Bad Days
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The Furrows- A Novel

Read: October 2022

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The Furrows: A Novel

by Namwali Serpell

The Furrows: A Novel by Namwali Serpell is a bold exploration of memory and mourning that twists unexpectedly into a story of mistaken identity, double consciousness, and the wishful—and sometimes willful—longing for reunion with those we’ve lost. Namwali Serpell’s remarkable new novel captures the uncanny experience of grief, the way the past breaks over the present like waves in the sea. I highly recommend this book.

The Furrows: A Novel reminded me of my longing to be reunited with Jan. I know it is impossible, but that does not keep me from desiring the unattainable. Reading this novel helped me remind me that Jan is still with me in spirit and that is far better than reuniting with her.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Cassandra Williams is twelve, and her little brother Wayne is seven. One day, an accident happens when they’re alone together, and Wayne is lost forever. Or so it seems. Though his body is never recovered, their mother, unable to give up hope, launches an organization dedicated to missing children. Their father leaves and starts another family somewhere else.

As C grows older, she sees her brother everywhere: in coffee shops, airplane aisles, subway cars, and cities on either coast. Here is her brother’s more aging face, the light in his eyes, his lanky limbs, the way he seems to recognize her too. But it can’t be, of course. Or can it? Disaster strikes again, and C meets a man, both mysterious and strangely familiar, who is also searching for someone and his place in the world. His name is Wayne.

Namwali Serpell’s remarkable novel captures the ongoing and uncanny experience of grief–the past breaking over the present like waves in the sea. The Furrows is a bold and beautiful exploration of memory and mourning that twists unexpectedly into a masterful story of black identity, double consciousness, and the wishful and sometimes willful longing for reunion with those we’ve lost.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Love Your Neighbor
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Embracing My Brokenness
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Jaded: A Novel

Read: April 2024

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Jaded: A Novel

by Ela Lee

Today, I started reading “Jaded: A Novel” by Ela Lee. The main character’s name is Jade, which isn’t even her real name. Jade began using it as her Starbucks name because all children of immigrants have a Starbucks name. “Jaded” is a must-read book for fans of “Queenie” and “I May Destroy You.” It offers a blistering—and sometimes darkly funny—account of consent, power, race, sexism, and identity in a broken society.

Jade has accomplished everything she ever wanted.

She’s a successful lawyer, a dutiful daughter, a beloved girlfriend, and a loyal friend. However, everything starts to crumble when she wakes up the morning after a work event, naked and alone, with no idea how she got home. Jade is caught between her parents, who can’t understand, her boyfriend, who feels betrayed, and her job, which expects silence.

Jade thought she was everything she ever wanted to be. But now she feels like nothing at all.

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Hostage: A Memoir

Read: October 2025

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Hostage: A Memoir

by Eli Sharabi

In a raw and unflinching memoir, Eli Sharabi, a survivor of 491 days in Hamas captivity, recounts his harrowing ordeal in “Hostage: A Memoir.” He was abducted from Kibbutz Be’eri on October 7, 2023. In this powerful narrative, he shares the profound loss of his wife and daughters along with his unwavering determination to survive. Comparisons can be drawn to Elie Wiesel‘s “Night” and Laura Hillenbrand‘s “Unbroken.” “Hostage” stands as a significant testimony to history, ensuring that his experience will neither be forgotten nor erased.

“I refuse to let myself drown in pain. I am surviving. I am a hostage in the heart of Gaza, a stranger in this unfamiliar land, living with a family that supports Hamas. And I am getting out of here. I have to. I’m getting out of here. I’m coming home.” — Eli Sharabi.

On October 7, 2023, Hamas terrorists stormed Kibbutz Be’eri, shattering the peaceful life Eli Sharabi had built with his British wife, Lianne, and their teenage daughters, Noiya and Yahel. Dragged barefoot out his front door while his family watched in horror, Sharabi was plunged deep into the suffocating darkness of Gaza’s tunnels. As war raged above him, he endured a grueling 491 days in captivity, all the while holding onto the hope that he would one day be reunited with his loved ones.

Eli Sharabi‘s story is one of hunger and heartache, of physical pain, longing, loneliness, and a helplessness that threatens to destroy the soul. But it is also a story of strength, of resilience, and of the human spirit’s refusal to surrender. It is about the camaraderie forged in captivity, the quiet power of faith, and one man’s unrelenting decision to choose life, time and time again.

In the first memoir by a released Israeli hostage, and the fastest-selling book in Israel’s history, Sharabi offers a searing firsthand account of survival under unimaginable conditions—starvation, isolation, physical beatings, and psychological abuse at the hands of his captors.


Franklin Foer‘s essay –The Existential Heroism of the Israeli Hostages – was written about Hostage. His closing paragraph eloquently summarizes how hope can persist even in our darkest days. 

“This weekend, on the cusp of the release of the last 20 living hostages in Gaza, Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner stood in the plaza in front of the Tel Aviv Museum of Art, dubbed Hostages Square, to address a jubilant throng. He called the hostages’ release the end of a nightmare. In reality, the nightmare never ends; trauma that endures for generations is the surest outcome of this war. But we also know that the hostages are going home, living proof that hope can persist even in the darkest hole.”


Eli Sharabi is a former hostage who survived 491 days in Hamas captivity after being abducted from Kibbutz Be’eri on October 7, 2023. Since his release, Sharabi has become a global advocate for the remaining hostages. He has met with world leaders, including former US President Donald Trump, spoken at the United Nations, and shared his story with audiences around the world. His memoir, *Hostage*, which is the first published account by a released Israeli hostage, quickly became a number one bestseller in Hebrew and the fastest-selling book in Israeli history.

Born in Tel Aviv to Yemenite and Moroccan parents, Sharabi moved to Be’er Sheva as a teenager. He later married Lianne, a British woman, and they have two daughters, Noiya and Yahel, aged sixteen and thirteen. A longtime resident of Be’eri, Sharabi worked as the Kibbutz’s business manager and served as the Chief Financial Officer for Be’eri Printing and other private companies in Israel. He continues to work tirelessly as a leader in the campaign for the release of captives.



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Celestial Navigation

Read: June 2021

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Celestial Navigation

by Anne Tyler

 

Celestial Navigation by Anne Tyler is a book I found on our bookshelf about a month after my wife passed away. The title and a mental note that my wife had recommended it made it an easy choice.

One of the main characters, thirty-eight-year-old Jeremy Pauling, had never left home. In the early stages of grief, I was nowhere near making a similar choice and remaining housebound. However, if I had been, this book would have caused me to reject that idea immediately.

After the death of his mother, he takes in Mary Tell and her daughter as boarders. The other boarders quickly realize that Jeremy is falling in love with Mary despite his fragility and inexperience with women.

To share more about the book would reveal details that might be spoilers.

For me, the book was a good read and one that reminded me that love is both beautiful and complicated. Although Jan and I shared passion was nothing like theirs, it was helpful to compare their love and ours when my loss seemed impossible.

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O Beautiful A Novel

Read: March 2023

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O Beautiful: A Novel

by Jung Yun

O Beautiful: A Novel by Jung Yun, the critically acclaimed author of Shelter, has written an unflinching portrayal of a woman trying to come to terms with the ghosts of her past and the tortured realities of a deeply divided America. With spare and graceful prose, O Beautiful presents an immersive portrait of a community rife with tensions, competing interests, and one woman’s attempts to reconcile her anger with her love of beautiful but troubled land. I highly recommend O Beautiful!

I finished reading O Beautiful on International Women’s Day. It might have been coincidental, but in my humble opinion, it was the perfect book to read on this important day. Ms. Yun has written a novel that touches on the intersectionality of the core issues of our divided land. The misogyny, the racism, and the impact of capitalism out of control are all related and are affecting the quality of life in the early twenty-first century.

Elinor Hanson, the protagonist, is so vividly written that she jumps off the page and becomes someone we know as a family member. When she returned home to write about the Bakken oil boom in North Dakota, I felt I had known her all my life. Unfortunately, the novel ended when she finally understood the issues and was in touch with her anger. I wish it would have continued so that the problems might have been addressed. Despite this, I highly recommend this novel.

O Beautiful is the twenty-first book I have read this year! My goal was twenty-three.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Elinor Hanson, a forty-something former model, struggles to reinvent herself as a freelance writer when she receives an unexpected assignment. Her mentor from grad school offers her a chance to write for a prestigious magazine about the Bakken oil boom in North Dakota.

Elinor grew up near the Bakken, raised by an overbearing father and a distant Korean mother who met and married when he was stationed overseas. After decades from home, Elinor returns to a landscape she hardly recognizes, overrun by tens of thousands of newcomers.

Surrounded by roughnecks seeking their fortunes in oil and long-time residents worried about their changing community, Elinor experiences a profound sense of alienation and grief. She rages at the unrelenting male gaze, the locals who still see her as a foreigner, and the memories of her family’s estrangement after her mother decided to escape her unhappy marriage, leaving Elinor and her sister behind.

The longer she pursues this potentially career-altering assignment, the more her past intertwines with the story she’s trying to tell, revealing disturbing new realities that will forever change her and how she looks at the world.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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The Once and Future Witches

Read: March 2022

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The Once and Future Witches

by Alix E. Harrow

The Once and Future Witches by Alix E. Harrow was on hold at my library for several weeks. It arrived today, and I could not imagine a better book to read for Women’s History Month. An homage to women’s invincible power and persistence, The Once and Future Witches reimagines stories of revolution, motherhood, and women’s suffrage—the lost ways are calling.

Although I found the book at times a slow read, I enjoyed it very much and highly recommend it. My only regret is that it had less to do with the suffrage movement than expected. In the late 1800s, three sisters used witchcraft to change the course of history in this powerful novel of magic, family, and the suffragette movement.

Goodreads summary provides an overview.

In 1893, there was no such thing as witches. There used to be, in the wild, dark days before the burnings began, but now witching is nothing but tidy charms and nursery rhymes. If the modern woman wants any measure of power, she must find it at the ballot box.

But when the Eastwood sisters―James Juniper, Agnes Amaranth, and Beatrice Belladonna―join the suffragists of New Salem, they begin to pursue the forgotten words and ways that might turn the women’s movement into the witch’s movement. Stalked by shadows and sickness, hunted by forces who will not suffer a witch to vote―and perhaps not even to live―the sisters will need to delve into the oldest magics, draw new alliances, and heal the bond between them if they want to survive.

There’s no such thing as witches. But there will be.

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All the Sinners Bleed- A Novel

Read: June 2023

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All the Sinners Bleed: A Novel

by S. A. Cosby

Today, I delved into the gripping pages of “All the Sinners Bleed” by S. A. Cosby. This enthralling novel centers around Titus Crown, the first African American sheriff in Charon County, Virginia. Despite the county’s reputation for traditional customs such as moonshine, cornbread, and honeysuckle, Titus, with his FBI expertise, knows that the peace won’t last forever.

On the first anniversary of Titus’s election, a schoolteacher is murdered by an ex-student, and Titus’s deputies take down the perpetrator. As Titus delves deeper into the case, he uncovers a web of horrendous crimes and finds a serial killer lurking in plain sight, haunting Charon’s dirt roads and woodland clearings.

Titus is determined to solve the case, despite its connection to a nearby church, and he harbors a personal secret that haunts him. However, he faces opposition from a far-right group that wants to hold a parade to honor the town’s Confederate past while he tries to solve the issue.

Despite the challenges, Titus remains resolute in his love for Charon and his commitment to finding justice. The collision of religion and hatred cannot deter him from his duty.


S. A. Cosby is a New York Times bestselling writer from southeastern Virginia. He is the author of All the Sinners Bleed, which was on more than forty Best of the Year lists, including Barack Obama’s, as well as Edgar Award finalist Razorblade Tears and Los Angeles Times Book Prize winner Blacktop Wasteland. He has also won the Anthony Award, ITW Thriller Award, Barry Award, Macavity Award, BCALA Award, and Audie Award. He has been longlisted for the ALA Andrew Carnegie Medal for Excellence.



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