Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Investing Jan's Love in My Future

Investing Jan’s Love in My Future

Investing Jan's Love in My Future

Photo of Jan’s Wind Sculpture, Courtesy of Lex Ottati

As much as I miss Jan, continuing to live is the only choice I have ever had.

Like George Burns, I could not cry forever.

One day at a time, I stepped into an unknown future with Jan’s love and spirit next to me.

Within days of burying the love of my life, I tied my walking shoes and embarked on a journey to define the boundaries of my new life.

I have read sixty-four books this year, eaten better despite fast eating, and written daily about my love for Jan.

The Jan Lilien Memorial Triangle Garden and Wind Sculpture at Hanson Park and the Jan Lilien Education Fund will keep Jan’s name and memory alive.

Investing in our future and working on the memorial has helped me grow around my grief.

As the axiom says,

Invest in yourself. Eat healthy food. Meditate. Read. Drink water. Move your body. Spend time in nature. Rest up. You are worthy.

Jan will be in my heart as long as I live, and I will share our love!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Walking Into My Future!

I have always walked and will continue to do so as long as I live.

Each step that I take keeps me moving forward.

Being a widow is not easy.

Grief can grab me at any moment and pull me back into despair even when I believe I am doing OK.

Raindrops on My Head!

Raindrops on My Head!

Climbing the Second Mountain with JanToday’s walk was into two unequal timeframes.

The lingering showers of Tropical Storm Nicole had, I thought, played out overnight.

The tropical rain drenched me like a wet mop less than five minutes from home.

My desire to continue on the route undeterred by Mother Nature became impossible.

Jan always worried if I could adjust to circumstances beyond my control.

What if the weather turned on a dime, and you could not return home to me?

Despite my relentless commitment to walking, I have learned to come in from the rain and cold and wait for better walking conditions.

Today Jan would be proud of me as I did a U-turn and waited for the rain to cease.

Her love is always with me and will guide me on my journey into an unknown land.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Jan is My Guardian Angel

Light snow started accumulating on the brim of my Peets hat.

The snow was light and fluffy, and I felt no reason not to continue walking alone.

However, as the temperature rose, it turned to freezing rain. Twice my feet slipped in the icy path.

Each time, Jan reassured me that I could finish this walk.

Having a guardian angel walk with me reminds me that our love will never die.

Forty-nine Years Loving Jan!

Forty-nine Years Loving Jan!

Jan Lilien and Richard Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975

Jan Lilien and Richard Brown, Wedding Day, August 9, 1975,

Forty-nine years ago today, I met the love of my life.

Three years ago, Jan was in the first months of her struggle with lymphoma.

Even with a life-threatening illness, we were confident we had many more anniversaries to celebrate.

Forty-six years seemed close enough to half a century that we could almost taste the celebratory champagne.

Although I could not wake Jan up with an anniversary kiss this morning, her love is still with me and always will be.

Love never dies because it is the only wealth we have that grows by sharing it.

When I arrived home from my morning walk, I opened Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson and read her poem about love.

It’s not about
fancy shoes
money and fast cars
won’t get you very far
it’s not about
the way you
look like are you
perfect enough

It’s about more like
the strength in your core
knowing you’re better today
than you were before
it’s not important
to be rich with things
it’s important to be
rich
with love
which is the only wealth
that grows the more you
give it away


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Evergreen

Evergreen

Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson is a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself. In her debut book, Kirsten Robinson (@NakedWriting) lays her heart bare in a raw, relatable, and inspirational way to describe the journey of growth born out of finding beauty in breakage and love after loss.

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Have a Nice Day!

Have a Nice Day!

Jan at Disney WorldOn my morning and evening walks, I greet my fellow walkers, bikers, and dog walkers by wishing them a nice day or evening.

Some do not hear me clearly or choose to respond, even if they do not know why.

Rarely but a little more often now, the response is more positive and occasionally echoes my greeting.

When I commenced this greeting, it was only days after Jan died, and I was not likely to have a good day.

As Rachel Marie Martin wrote,

You can change someone’s day by simply choosing to be kind. Smile. Cheer for them. Help out. Kindness matters.

Kindness does matter. It is a small but meaningful way to repair our broken world.

The love Jan and I shared will never die, and I will always greet you by wishing you a nice day!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Kindness to Strangers

Being kind and gentle has always been used to describe me. Those two attributes are in my DNA.

Since Jan died, I have become more focused on kindness and being a gentleman.

My friend Chris who owns Ambeli's, the best greek restaurant, introduces me to other patrons as the most refined gentlemen he knows.

I wish people a nice day or pleasant evening on my morning walks and evening strolls. I do not know the walkers I pass, but I want to share a positive message.

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A Gentleman in Moscow

A Gentleman in Moscow

A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles is a transporting novel about a man sentenced by the government to spend the rest of his life inside a luxury hotel. In 1922, a Bolshevik tribunal deemed Count Alexander Rostov an unrepentant aristocrat. His house arrest in the Metropol, a grand hotel across the street from the Kremlin. Rostov, an indomitable man of erudition and wit, has never worked a day and must now live in an attic room while some of the most tumultuous decades in Russian history are unfolding outside the hotel's doors.

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Finding Peace Within Myself!

Finding Peace Within Myself!

Jan and RichardMy love for Jan is more profound and stronger than ever.

Grief is still my life’s backseat driver, but I am more at peace this morning than ever.

But tranquility has filled my heart and soul daily since the late summer.

Perhaps Celebrating Jan Day and the installation of the wind sculpture in Jan’s Memorial Triangle Garden in Hanson Park made the difference.

Or, as Marvin Gaye said,

If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.

Will the period of peace last?

With Jan still with me in spirit, I take small but steady steps into the unknown tomorrows that will dawn upon me in the future.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Today, I Feel at Peace!

Today, I feel at peace because Jan is with me today and every day.

When Jan died, the funeral placed part of my soul to rest with her, and I still have part of her soul with me.

My grief will always be with me as well.

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

Jan and Richard December 1974Being close to people who feel like sunshine is a hypothesis that I occasionally fail to remember.

With Jan, I shared a life with someone whose smile was a ray of sunshine.

As a widow, it is far too easy for me to slide down the rabbit hole of self-doubt and self-criticism.

Jan’s Memorial Triangle Garden and Wind Sculpture in Hanson Park have led to numerous people wanting to visit.

Everyone is mesmerized by the twin blades of the wind sculpture.

On some of my trips, I am alone and meet strangers overwhelmed by the sculpture’s simple beauty.

As my friend Mark Annett wrote in his poem about The Wind Sculpture,

The blades move in opposite directions and flower.

The flower they form is always bursting, always blooming.

The renewal is constant and mesmerizing…

One day at a time, with the help of my family and friends, I live not alone but with Jan still with me, now and forever.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Am I Alone if Jan is Still With Me?

In the photograph from Celebrate Jan Day, it appears that I am sitting by myself.

As much as the camera only captures what it can see, that is a correct observation.

However, it does not capture the reality that Jan is still with me and always will be with me.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Investing Jan's Love in My Future
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Raindrops on My Head!
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Evergreen

Read: October 2022

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Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson

by Kirsten Robinson

Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson is a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself. In her debut book, Kirsten Robinson (@NakedWriting) lays her heart bare in a raw, relatable, and inspirational way to describe the journey of growth born out of finding beauty in breakage and love after loss.

Albeit a cliche, the book jumped off the shelf and into my hands when I saw it in Hickory & Hill General Store in Cranford.

This artfully honest collection embodies and expands upon the poetry and prose Robinson began writing under the famous social media pseudonym Naked Writing.

I highly recommend this book and intend to keep it at my bedside for a pick-me-up.

Although I have only started reading the poems, I want to share two that resonated with me.

The first one is on giving thanks.

Give thanks for all
that is good and beautiful;
the gifts you carry
people who lift you up
your big, big love
faith and trust that your life
is unfolding as it should

Give thanks for all
that has been difficult and hard;
trials tribulations tears
tests of self strength fears
all of the unknowns and days
that broke you

Without the darkness
you would not have
learned to appreciate the light

A second one on bravery.

Bravery
is not about standing tall
after you’ve climbed up
the top of a mountain

Bravery
is looking
fear
heartache
rejection
terror
loss
death
in the eye
and saying, “no,
not today”

Bravery
is standing back up
after you’ve been brought down
to your knees


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love.

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Forty-nine Years Loving Jan!
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Have a Nice Day!
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A Gentleman in Moscow

Read: November 2022

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A Gentleman in Moscow

by Amor Towles

A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles is a transporting novel about a man sentenced by the government to spend the rest of his life inside a luxury hotel. In 1922, a Bolshevik tribunal deemed Count Alexander Rostov an unrepentant aristocrat. His house arrest in the Metropol, a grand hotel across the street from the Kremlin. Rostov, an indomitable man of erudition and wit, has never worked a day and must now live in an attic room while some of the most tumultuous decades in Russian history are unfolding outside the hotel’s doors.

During my grief journey, I have on occasion felt as if I was a prisoner in my apartment, so I found this novel to be one that provided me an alternative to understanding what it would have been like to be under house arrest as Count Rostov was.

A Gentleman in Moscow was a page-turner. The plot captures a unique historical time and how Count Rostov makes the best of a bad situation. I highly recommend this novel.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

With his breakout debut novel, Rules of Civility, Amor Towles established himself as a master of absorbing, sophisticated fiction, bringing late 1930s Manhattan to life with a splendid atmosphere and an excellent command of style. As NPR commented, readers and critics were enchanted, “Towles writes with grace and verve about the mores and manners of a society on the cusp of radical change.”

A Gentleman in Moscow immerses us in another elegantly drawn era with the story of Count Alexander Rostov. When, in 1922, he is deemed an unrepentant aristocrat by a Bolshevik tribunal, the count is sentenced to house arrest in the Metropol, a grand hotel across the street from the Kremlin. Rostov, an indomitable man of erudition and wit, has never worked a day. He must now live in an attic room while some of the most tumultuous decades in Russian history are unfolding outside the hotel’s doors. Unexpectedly, his reduced circumstances provide him a doorway into a much larger world of emotional discovery.

Brimming with humor, a glittering cast of characters, and one beautifully rendered scene after another, this singular novel casts a spell as it relates to the count’s endeavor to gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be a man of purpose.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Finding Peace Within Myself!
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Sunshine on a Cloudy Day
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Finding Peace, One Piece at a Time

Read: September 2021

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Finding Peace, One Piece at a Time

by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz

Finding Peace, One Piece at a Time by Rachel Blythe Kodanaz is a book I wish I had long before Jan died. It provides helpful information on maintaining an organized lifestyle and handling a loved one’s possessions.

Having lost almost everything I had except for the clothes on my back after a house fire in 1972, I thought I had adopted a view that possessions were not significant. With Jan’s death, the truth is that she and I had collected essential possessions, and now it was my responsibility to decide what to do with them.

Rachel’s book is a practical guide, offering a comprehensive understanding of the significance of possessions and a step-by-step plan to manage them. Chapter 3, in particular, is a treasure trove of practical advice, focusing on Building Your Game Plan: The Ten Essentials and covering all the crucial topics – triggers, building a team, and creating a timeline, among others.

Magic of the Six Piles is a well-designed plan that will help most of us confront the possessions of our loved ones. The piles are:

  1. Keep
  2. Share
  3. Donate
  4. Sell
  5. Dispose
  6. Ponder

Having absorbed the book’s wisdom, I am ready to transition from contemplation to action. This is how I sort my wife’s possessions into six piles. I am optimistic that it will also help me streamline my possessions, making books my trusted company more accessible for my sons.

Ms. Kodanaz has presented at my bereavement groups and has been an inspiration. She has also encouraged me to write about my love for Jan in a journal.

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Reluctantly Home

Read: June 2022

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Reluctantly Home

by Imogen Clark

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark is about dealing with the past—and finally facing the future-a topic that was appealing to me. Thirteen months into my grief journey, I live between a perfect past and an unknowable future. Will Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark help me manage these two worlds?

Surprisingly it did. Unlike the two protagonists, I am mourning losing Jan, the love of my life. However, the neuromapping in my brain made it impossible to understand how to continue to love Jan and separate that from the time and space connections that made me believe she would return at any moment.

Reluctantly Home by Imogen Clark helped me understand that grief should and cannot define us forever. I recommend this book to all readers, not only those on a grief journey like mine.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Pip Appleby seems to have it all, with her prestigious job as a human rights lawyer and her enviable London home. But then a tragic accident stops her life in its tracks, and everything changes instantly. Retreating to her family’s rural farm and the humble origins she has been trying to hide, Pip is haunted by what she has done.

When she discovers the diary of actress Evelyn Mountcastle in a box of old books, Pip revels in the opportunity to lose herself in someone else’s life rather than focus on the disaster that is her own. But soon, she sees parallels—Evelyn’s life was also beset by tragedy, and, like Pip, she returned to Southwold under a dark cloud.

When Pip and Evelyn’s paths cross in real life, they slowly begin to reveal the hidden stories holding them back. Can they help each other forgive what happened in the past and, perhaps, find happiness in the future?


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Crow Lake

Read: January 2022

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Crow Lake

by Mary Lawson

Crow Lake by Mary Lawson is set in northern Ontario’s rural “badlands.” The badlands are where heartbreak and hardship are mirrored in the landscape of the farming Pye family. Crow Lake is that rare find, a first novel so quietly assured, so emotionally pitch-perfect, you know from the opening page that this is the real thing – a literary experience in which to lose yourself, by an author of immense talent.

Crow Lake was a page-turner for me once I read the prologue.

Two families dominate the story.

On the one hand, it is the Greek tragedy of the Pye family. On their farm, “the sins of the fathers are visited on the sons, and terrible events occur—offstage.”

Kate Morrison has left her two brothers and sister at the lake to become a zoologist. The four siblings lost their parents and struggled to remain together. Their “tragedy looks more immediate if less brutal, but is, in reality, insidious and divisive.

As Goodreads describes the novel,

In this universal drama of family love and misunderstandings, of resentments harbored and driven underground, Lawson ratchets up the tension with heartbreaking humor and consummate control, continually overturning one’s expectations right to the very end. Tragic, funny, unforgettable, this deceptively simple masterpiece about the perils of hero worship leaped to the top of the bestseller lists only days after being released in Canada and earned glowing reviews in The New York Times and The Globe and Mail, to name a few.

I highly recommend this novel and am looking forward to reading more from Mary Lawson.

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The Bully Pulpit

Read: October 2019

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The Bully Pulpit

by Doris Kearns Goodwin

The Bully Pulpit by Doris Kearns Goodwin is a history of the first decade of the Progressive era told by focusing on the intense friendship of Theodore Roosevelt and William Howard Taft.

Although I had read many books about Theodore Roosevelt, I had limited knowledge about Taft until I read this book. Reading about their friendship and its eventual collapse helped me to understand both of these presidents and the times in which they lived in a way I had not understood previously.

The Bully Pulpit is also the story of the muckraking press, which arouses the spirit of reform that helps Roosevelt push the government to shed its laissez-faire attitude toward robber barons, corrupt politicians, and corporate exploiters of our natural resources. The muckrakers are portrayed through the greatest group of journalists ever assembled at one magazine—Ida Tarbell, Ray Stannard Baker, Lincoln Steffens, and William Allen White—teamed under the mercurial genius of publisher S. S. McClure.

Goodwin’s narrative is founded upon a wealth of primary materials. The correspondence of more than four hundred letters between Roosevelt and Taft begins in their early thirties and ends only months before Roosevelt’s death. Edith Roosevelt and Nellie Taft kept diaries. The muckrakers wrote hundreds of letters to one another, kept journals, and wrote their memoirs. The letters of Captain Archie Butt, who served as a personal aide to both Roosevelt and Taft, provide an intimate view of both men.

I recommend this book without reservations.

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Such a Fun Age

Read: October 2021

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Such a Fun Age

by Kiley Reid

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid. Although many reviewers highly rated this book, I was unsure it was the book for me. However, once I started reading, I could not stop. It is “a striking and surprising debut novel from a compelling new voice. Such a Fun Age is a big-hearted story about race and privilege, set around a young Black babysitter, her well-intentioned employer, and a surprising connection that threatens to undo them both.

Alix Chamberlain is a woman who gets what she wants and has made a living with her confidence-driven brand, showing other women how to do the same. So she is shocked when her babysitter, Emira Tucker, is confronted while watching the Chamberlains’ toddler one night, walking the aisles of their local high-end supermarket. The store’s security guard, seeing a young Black woman out late with a White child, accuses Emira of kidnapping two-year-old Briar. A small crowd gathers, a bystander films everything, and Emira is furious and humiliated. Alix resolves to make things right.

But Emira herself is aimless, broke, and wary of Alix’s desire to help. At 25, she is about to lose her health insurance and has no idea what to do with her life. When the video of Emira unearths someone from Alix’s past, both women find themselves on a crash course that will upend everything they think they know about themselves and each other.

With empathy and piercing social commentary, Such a Fun Ageexplores the stickiness of transactional relationships, what it means to make someone “family”, and the complicated reality of being a grown-up. It is a searing debut for our times.

When race and privilege are paramount issues, this book is a first step to understanding the intersectionality of the issues and addressing them. I recommend this book with our reservation.

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The Witch: A Novel

Read: April 2026

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The Witch: A Novel

by Marie Ndiaye

“The Witch” by Marie Ndiaye, the recipient of the Gold Medal in the Arts from the Kennedy Center International Committee on the Arts, is shortlisted for the International Booker Prize. In a small, sleepy town, a mediocre witch in a lackluster marriage attempts to pass on her gifts to her twin daughters, who quickly prove to possess abilities far greater than her own.

Lucie comes from a long line of witches, with powers passed down from mother to daughter. Many of them have hidden or repressed their gifts to appease disgusted or fearful men. But against the wishes of her controlling husband, Lucie initiates her twins into their family’s peculiar womanhood when they reach the age of twelve. In a few short months, Maud and Lise are crying rich crimson tears, their powers quickly becoming more potent than their mother’s, opening them to liberation and euphoria beyond what Lucie and her foremothers ever considered.

Equal parts dreamlike and disquieting, The Witch tells a tale as old as time, with a dark twist: Without looking back, children fly the nest, laying bare the tenuous threads of family that have long threatened to snap. With simmering tension and increasing panic, NDiaye’s latest novel in English captures the terror and precarity of motherhood and marriage, and the uncertainty of slowly realizing that your progeny are more dangerous—to the world and to your heart—and freer than you ever could have dreamed.


Marie Ndiaye was born in Pithiviers, France. She is the author of Rosie Carpe, winner of the Prix Femina, and of Three Strong Women, winner of the Prix Goncourt. Her recent novel, Vengeance is Mine, was a finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award for Fiction. She is also the recipient of the Kennedy Center International Committee on the Arts Gold Medal. She lives in Paris.

Translated by Jordan Stump.



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