Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Holding My Breath to Walk Alone

Walking Alone Holding My Breath

Jan on the GondolaToday is the first day of the second June I have lived without Jan. The grief journey has been long and arduous.

Some of my friends have said I was brave. I was not courageous but terrified of this lonely odyssey I did not choose to undertake.

More often than not, I have been holding my breath to make sure I can take the next step.

Friday of this week will be my thirteenth month, and I am still not sure how, but I have if only barely,  survived.

To say that Jan was the love of my life does not explain how transformative our love was and continues to be.

I will continue to walk, read, write and share Jan’s love, as it is the only way to manage my grief.


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What Can Grief Teach Me?

Mourning can destroy everything in its wake. Perhaps it is because our grief requires us to believe that everything is happening to us. For example, when my sadness over losing Jan overwhelms me, my life is like a sled flying down the ski slope without controls. Now that I have observed both the secular and […]

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If You Plant It, They Will Come

Butterflies in Jan’s Garden

Jan the GardenerJan loved to garden. She had a green thumb and could grow vegetables or flowers during droughts, plagues, and inclement weather.

Hanson Park Conservancy’s The Jan Lilien Education Fund, established with donations from family and friends, sponsors sustainability and environmental awareness programs.

On Thursday, June 2, 2022, Randi Wilfert Eckel, the owner of Toadshade Wildflower Farm, will discuss the importance of supporting our native wildlife within our gardens during the second program sponsored by The Jan Lilien Education Fund.

Please consider making a tax-deductible donation to the fund.

Checks should be made payable to the Hanson Park Conservancy with a note that this is a donation for The Jan Lilien Education Fund and mailed to:

The Jan Lilien Education Fund
Hanson Park Conservancy
PO Box 542
Cranford, NJ 07016

Your generous tax-deductible donations can and will make a difference. Thank you.


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Composting Key to Soil Health

“Honey, how are the worms?” Jan’s inquiry was one I was asked often after emptying the compost bucket. We took composting seriously both for our garden as well the environment. Last night, Virginia Lamb of Groundwork Education and Consulting spoke enthusiastically and knowledgeably on Soil Health and Composting at the first event funded by The Jan […]

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One Step at a Time

One Step at Time, I’m Gonna Get Through This!

Niagara FallsWhen we begin June, it will be the thirteenth month since Jan, the love of my life, died.

It remains difficult to believe that I have lived alone for so long.

I remain lonely and melancholy as much as I have managed the Activities of Daily Living Alone.

When I am at my lowest, I remind myself of the Jordin Sparks lyrics for One Step At a Time.

One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen when it’s
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

Just as I did not rush falling in love with Jan, I cannot and will not rush my grief journey.

I will take it one step at a time with Jan beside me.


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Survivor

Strength of the Survivor

TogetherAll of the first-year anniversaries are now behind me.

I have survived year one without Jan, the love of my life. If I could have, I would have done anything to have Jan still with me.

I would have considered even a deal with the dark side like Addie LaRue.

But I have lived alone for a year.

Despite my grief and loneliness, I am stronger now than ever.

I have mastered the Activities of Daily Living Alone, read more than ever, walk distances that should be possible, and write about Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

After a year, Jan is still with me, and our love will never die!


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The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

I recommend this book without any reservations! The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab is not only a page turner but one of the rare books I have read that I wish had not ended. On the last page, I wanted the story of Addie to continue now that she modified her deal with the dark side to save Henry Strauss. It was not that I wished Addie and Henry to reunite; it was to see how Addie's life with Luc would continue.

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A Year of Love and Change

A Year of Love and Change

Love Never DiesLast night, our family observed Jan’s first Yahrzeit. It is now officially a year since the love of my life died.

Neither the secular nor Hebrew calendars are wrong, but it still seems I was kissing Jan for the last time yesterday.

I am not the same person who met Jan or the one who married her, raised a family, and loved each other forever.

Of course, I am also not the same person who buried her a year ago or even celebrated her life a month ago.

As Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler wrote,

You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.

I have changed in the last year, but my love for Jan has grown.


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Jan’s Yahrzeit Reminds Me Why Love Never Dies

During my walk, I remembered a passage from Rachel Kodanaz's book "Living with Loss, One Day at a Time" on page 138. The passage poses a thought-provoking question about whether someone would rather have their years shortened or not have any at all.

Reflecting on this question, my answer remains unchanged. Although the thought of Jan's life ending when we first met would have initially caused me great sadness, I would have eventually come to focus on the love we shared rather than the time we lost.

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Soul Sisters Breaking Ground for Jan's Garden

Soul Sisters Healing Circle

Jan and her Soul Sisters BlanketJan was blessed to have her Soul Sisters and their Healing Circle during her nineteen-month battle with lymphoma.

Once Jan shared with them that she had lymphoma, the Soul Sisters held weekly healing circles. The last healing circle was in our house during hospice. I had to hold the iPad with one hand and wipe away tears with the other.

Every time she was hospitalized, Jan had to have her blanket with the names of her soul sisters.

I know you love me, which is something I can never forget. The blanket not only keeps me warm, but it reminds me of the love of my soul sisters.


Jan’s Soul Sisters speak about Jan and the healing circle and how much they love and miss Jan.


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Reading with the Soul Sisters

Yesterday, I walked in Hanson Park as I often do. Because of the mild weather, I decided to read my current book, The Once and Future Witches by Alix E. Harrow. Of the two benches honoring Jan Lilien, I had nicknamed the book and coffee bench when we first walked thru the park. The plaque […]
Let Stillness Direct My Words and Actions

Let Stillness Direct My Words and Actions

Jan and JonLife moves so quickly as we become busy with day-to-day tasks; since I was a child,  I often stopped looking and listening.

Jan was always there to slow me down so I could look, listen and speak appropriately.

Without the love of my life, my words can often tumble out and have unfortunate consequences.

I have always liked Eckhart Tolle‘s simple but meaningful quote.

Being still – looking and listening – activates the non-conceptual intelligence within you. Let stillness direct your words and actions.

On my grief journey, I need to remember that words have meaning and that looking, listening, and stillness are my best and only course of action.


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Jan’s Love Was Transformative

While I still feel the pain of her absence, I can share her love with others and positively impact their lives.

The love Jan and I shared will always be a part of me and will never die.

The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Holding My Breath to Walk Alone
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If You Plant It, They Will Come
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One Step at a Time
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The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

Read: May 2022

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The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue

by V.E. Schwab

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab is a page-turner, and one of the rare books I have read that I wish had not ended. On the last page, I wanted Addie’s story to continue now that she had modified her deal with the dark side to save Henry Strauss. It was not that I wished Addie and Henry to reunite; it was to see how Addie’s life with Luc would continue. I recommend this book without any reservations!

Both Jan and I have always enjoyed books and movies about time travel. One of the first books I read after Jan died was The Time Traveler’s Wife, and now I am reading another time-travel book. If I could travel back in time, I would love to spend tens of thousands of days with her again.

But time travel is not possible. Or is it? Her spirit returns to me whenever I am paralyzed, encouraging me to dust myself off and keep going. Maybe one day we will travel together!

The Goodreads summary includes an overview.

France, 1714: in a moment of desperation, a young woman makes a Faustian bargain to live forever and is cursed to be forgotten by everyone she meets.

Thus begins the extraordinary life of Addie LaRue and a dazzling adventure that will play out across centuries and continents, across history and art, as a young woman learns how far she will go to leave her mark on the world.

But everything changes when, after nearly 300 years, Addie stumbles across a young man in a hidden bookstore, and he remembers her name.


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Survivor
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A Year of Love and Change
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Soul Sisters Breaking Ground for Jan's Garden
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Let Stillness Direct My Words and Actions
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The Mango Tree: A Memoir of Fruit, Florida, and Felony

Read: April 2024

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The Mango Tree

by Annabelle Tometich

Today, I started reading Annabelle Tometich‘s The Mango Tree: A Memoir of Fruit, Florida, and Felony. The Mango Tree is not just a memoir but a profoundly emotional family saga. It takes us through the complexities of Annabelle’s life, from her childhood in a house filled with balikbayan boxes, vegetation, and luscious mangoes to her journey from aspiring medical student to restaurant critic.

It is a tribute to her fellow Filipino Americans, her younger self, and the mango tree symbolizing her family. Above all, it is a heartfelt homage to Annabelle’s mother, Josefina, who carved out a life and a home without whom Annabelle would not be who she is.

When journalist Annabelle Tometich picked up the phone one June morning, she wasn’t expecting a collect call from an inmate at the Lee County Jail. And when she accepts, she certainly isn’t prepared to hear her mother’s voice on the other end of the line. However, explaining the situation to her younger siblings afterward was easy; all she had to say was, “Mom shot at some guy. He was messing with her mangoes.” They immediately understood. Answering the questions of the breaking news reporter—at the same newspaper where Annabelle worked as a restaurant critic––proved more difficult. Annabelle decided to go with a variation of the truth: it was complicated.

Thus commences The Mango Tree, a memoir that deftly weaves a tapestry of a mixed-race Filipina’s life in suburban Florida. Annabelle’s journey is not linear but a series of interconnected stories that delve into her upbringing, her father’s tragic demise, her mother’s longing for her homeland, and her quest for identity.

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Trip: A Novel

Read: September 2025

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Trip: A Novel

by Amie Barrodale

Trip: A Novel by Amie Barrodale follows a woman who embarks on a journey to the afterlife to help her son, who is lost at sea. Her voyage begins on a limbo-drifting ghost ship, blending humor and emotion as she explores the body and mind. Barrodale skillfully combines humor with poignant moments, making the supernatural feel personal. The book moved me, reflecting the emotional tides between mother and son.

Sandra dies suddenly at a death conference in Nepal. Days later in America, her son, Trip, runs away with a man. Sandra tries to send a message to Trip through the mystics, but they are distracted while her son and the man set out to sea.

Amie Barrodale‘s first novel follows the unpredictable journey of Sandra and her son, Trip, as they navigate the realms of restless souls and Buddhist deities. As they move between life and death, Sandra’s unwavering devotion to saving her child and striving to be a good mother anchors the narrative, propelling it forward with emotional depth and urgency. This book will particularly resonate with fans of literary fiction, magical realism, and those intrigued by philosophical explorations of life and death. Readers who appreciate stories rich in emotional complexity and spiritual themes will find themselves eagerly immersed in this enthralling tale.

Wide-eyed with wonder, hilariously funny and painfully moving, Trip: A Novel reveals the deeper meaning of The Tibetan Book of the Dead: the past is a memory, the future is a projection, the present disappears before we can see it.


Amie Barrodale’s stories and essays have appeared in The Paris Review, Harper’s Magazine, and other publications. In 2012, she was awarded The Paris Review’s Plimpton Prize for Fiction for her story “William Wei.” She is the author of You Are Having a Good Time: Stories.



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History Lessons: A Mystery

Read: July 2025

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History Lessons: A Mystery

by Zoe B. Wallbrook

In another life, I dreamed of becoming a history professor. When I opened “History Lessons: A Mystery” by Zoe B. Wallbrook, I discovered a story about a college history professor who must solve the murder of her renowned colleague before she becomes the next target. This humorous and romantic debut mystery, filled with witty banter and clever plot twists, is perfect for fans of Janet Evanovich, Kellye Garrett, and Ali Hazelwood.

As a newly minted junior professor, Daphne Ouverture spends her days giving lectures on French colonialism, working on her next academic book, and going on atrocious dates. Her small world suits her just fine until Sam Taylor dies.

The rising star of Harrison University’s anthropology department was never one of Daphne’s favorites, despite his popularity. But that doesn’t prevent Sam’s killer from believing Daphne has something that belonged to Sam—something the killer will stop at nothing to get.

Between grading papers and navigating her disastrous love life, Daphne embarks on her investigation to find out what connects her to Sam’s murder. With the help of an alluring former detective-turned-bookseller, she unravels a deadly cover-up on campus.

This well-crafted, voice-driven mystery introduces an unforgettable heroine in the crime fiction genre.


Zoe B. Wallbrook is a recently tenured professor whose academic research has appeared in outlets such as the New York Times and The New Yorker. She was selected for mentorship by LA Times bestseller Elizabeth Little, and History Lessons, her first novel, was a runner-up for the Eleanor Taylor Bland Award. Zoe’s hobbies include beginning all emails with “My sincerest apologies for my slow reply,” pretending to understand how astrological signs work, and crying at the end of every Call the Midwife episode. She and her husband live with their stalker, a black lab/pittie mix named Sophie.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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Nobody Gets Out Alive- Stories

Read: February 2023

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Nobody Gets Out Alive: Stories

by Leigh Newman

Nobody Gets Out Alive: Stories by Leigh Newman, set in Newman’s home state of Alaska and an exciting virtuosic story collection about women navigating the wilds of a male-dominated society. Nobody Gets Out Alive is a collection of dazzling, courageous stories about women struggling to survive, not just grizzly bears and charging moose but the raw, exhausting legacy of their marriages and families.

There are moments when characters in a story leap off the page and become, for a few moments, our soul mates. Ms. Newman, in each of these memorable stories, engages so fully that each character becomes so alive that I wanted to know more about their lives.

The stores span both the recent past and the founding of Anchorage. I found all of them to be stories I would happily read again. The recent stories highlight the common desire for a freer, more inclusive world for women. A woman forced to sell her home or a new bride testing limits on her return home resonates as themes of the modern world.

The final story is set in 1915 in a railroad camp. The story highlights the founding of Anchorage. As one who likes historical fiction, I was so engaged that I could not take a break. I was not expecting the outspoken heiress would stage an elaborate theatrical to seduce the wife of her husband’s employer.

I may never visit Alaska at my age, but I now know enough to feel I have lived in Seward’s Folly.

I decided to read this book after reading Ms. Newman wrote a review of The Faraway World. Ms. Newman is a skilled writer, and I highly recommend this collection and look forward to reading more of her stories in the future.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

In “Howl Palace”—winner of The Paris Review’s Terry Southern Prize, a Best American Short Story, and Pushcart Prize selection—an aging widow struggles with a rogue hunting dog and the memories of her five ex-husbands while selling her house after bankruptcy. In the title story, “Nobody Gets Out Alive,” newly married Katrina visits her hometown of Anchorage. She blows up her wedding reception by flirting with the host and running off with an enormous mastodon tusk.

Alongside stories set in today’s Last Frontier—rife with suburban sprawl, global warming, and opioid addiction—Newman delves into the remote wilderness of the 1970s and 80s, bringing to life young girls and single moms in search of a wilder, more accessible, more adventurous America. The final story takes place in a railroad camp in 1915, where an outspoken heiress stages an elaborate theatrical to seduce the wife of her husband’s employer, revealing how this masterful storyteller is “not only writing unforgettable, brilliantly complex characters, she’s somehow inventing souls” (Kimberly King Parsons, author of Black Light).


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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These Summer Storms

Read: July 2025

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These Summer Storms

by Sarah MacLean

These Summer Storms by Sarah MacLean is a poignant and thoughtful story about the transformative power of grief, love, and family—the novel delves into past secrets, present truths, and futures shaped by wild summer storms. Alice Storm has not been welcome at her family’s magnificent private island off the Rhode Island coast for five years—not since she was cast out and built her life apart from the Storm name, its influence, and untold billions.

However, the shocking death of her larger-than-life father changes everything. Alice plans to keep a low profile, pay her final respects (as complicated as they are), and leave as soon as the funeral concludes. Unfortunately, her father had other plans. The eccentric and manipulative patriarch left his family a final challenge—an inheritance game designed to disrupt their lives. The rules are straightforward: spend one week on the island, complete their assigned tasks, and receive the inheritance.

Spending an entire week on Storm Island presents challenges for Alice. The old house is chaotic in every corner: her older sister’s secret love affair, her brother displays unwavering arrogance, and her younger sister is constantly analyzing the “vibes.” All of this is under the stern, watchful gaze of Jack Dean, her father’s intriguing and too-handsome second-in-command. It will take a miracle for Alice to escape unscathed.


Sarah MacLean is the author of sixteen New York Times bestselling novels, translated into more than twenty-five languages. She co-hosts the weekly romance novel podcast Fated Mates and is a prominent voice in the romance genre. A product of Rhode Island summers and New England storms, MacLean now lives with her family in New York City.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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Daughter: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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Daughter: A Novel

by Claudia Dey

I started reading “Daughter: A Novel” by Claudia Dey today. According to Mona Dean, to be loved by your father is to be loved by God. Mona is a playwright, actress, and daughter of a man who is famous for a great novel. However, her father’s needs and insecurities significantly impact the women in his family, including Mona, her sister, her half-sister, and their mothers.

Mona’s father’s infidelity shattered her childhood, causing her to be in opposition to her stepmother, who also suffered from his actions. Mona’s father begins a new affair, and he confides in her. She enjoys his attention painfully and parasitically. When he confesses to his wife, Mona is blamed for the disruption, punished for her father’s actions, and kicked out of the family.

Mona’s life is chaotic, and she struggles to regain stability. Only when she experiences a profound and defining loss does she begin to replace absent love with real love? Pushed to the brink, she must decide how she wants to live, what Mona needs to say, and the risks she’s willing to take to say it.

Claudia Dey provides penetrating insight and devilish humor to chronicle our most intimate lives in “Daughter.” It’s an obsessive and blazing examination of the forces that drive us to become, create, and break free.

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