Twelve Hundred Days
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes, 4 seconds
Grief is Behind Me
In his play “Macbeth,” Shakespeare eloquently discusses the value of allowing the mind to wander, expressing that “Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o’erfraught heart and bids it break.” When we are faced with loss, it’s common to believe that our suffering is unique and insurmountable. However, it’s crucial to recognize that all pain eventually subsides. Through articulating my sorrow, I’ve understood that grief can be a powerful educator, guiding me to serve and bless others, provide solace to the grieving, discern when to remain silent, and offer words of love and compassion. In the initial stages of my grief, the words I used to convey my pain were so anguished that they seemed best suited for the deer I encountered in the woods.
As I stroll along, my thoughts begin to clear, allowing me to understand my current emotions and how to rediscover the joys of life and love. Recently, I read “Station Eleven” by Emily St. John Mandel, which reminded me of a quote from “Star Trek: Voyager” – “Because Survival is Insufficient.” Through reaching out and supporting those who have experienced loss, I’ve found a way to confront my grief. Walking each day has revealed to me the incredible power of love, and I know that Jan wouldn’t have wanted me to remain secluded at home, fearful of embracing happiness, life, and love once more. I still hold dear the heartfelt wedding vows Jan made: “In the name of love, Richard Brown, I promise to love you, cherish you, respect you, and honor you in all the different times of our lives and as long as we both shall live.” Embracing life and love is the key to healing and moving forward.
Amid my journey to heal, I find myself still grappling with the ache of sorrow. I realize I cannot alter what has passed, yet I actively seek to carve a path toward a different tomorrow. Walking, immersing myself in literature, engaging with organizations like Bridges, Hanson Park, Temple Sha’arey Shalom, and other local groups, and pursuing significance in my experiences have granted me a semblance of peace. While some may view my actions as overly fixated, for me, these endeavors represent a conscious choice to embrace life rather than succumb to grief. Each step I take, each page I explore, and each moment dedicated to Bridges is a testament to my commitment to constructing a community founded on compassion and understanding.
I enjoy the simple moments that bring me happiness in my everyday life. Yet, there are instances when I experience a profound longing for companionship. This sentiment is beautifully captured in a quote from “The Vaster Wilds: A Novel” by Lauren Groff – “To be alone and surviving is not the same as being alive.” While I acknowledge the overwhelming nature of loneliness, I constantly remind myself that I can create my happiness. Despite finding purpose and fulfillment in my daily pursuits, I can’t help but yearn for the warmth and affection of a loving partner. The prospect of experiencing love once more fills me with hope and gratitude, as it can make me feel truly alive in a way that nothing else can.
Will I Walk Tomorrow?
As I walked past Ambeli’s at the end of my morning walk, my Apple Watch notified me that I had covered eight miles. Despite feeling like I could continue walking, hunger called me back. When I reached my building and stopped the walk tracking, I noticed I had covered 8.03 miles. This minor discrepancy amused me; there are eight individuals in my immediate family: me, my two sons, their wives, and my three beloved grandchildren. I couldn’t help but perceive the extra 0.03 miles as symbolizing the three grandchildren – symbolic of the promising future they embody.
After 1,200 days of walking, many people ask me about my plans for tomorrow. Some assume it’s a given that I will continue walking every day. However, I’ve come to understand that the present moment is all that truly matters. Will I opt for a lazy Sunday lie-in or consider retiring my trusty Brooks Ghost shoes and taking a break? Or will I wake up and start my 1,201st day of walking?
No matter what I do tomorrow, I know my body will weaken as I age. My legs will no longer effortlessly carry me, my eyes will lose their sharpness, and the words on the page will become unclear. Despite this, until that time comes, I promise not to accept aging gracefully but to face it with an unwavering determination to make the most of the opportunities in my life. I will listen attentively, embrace wholeheartedly, and courageously step into the future!
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After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
