Perplexed But Devoted

Estimated reading time: 14 minutes, 46 seconds

Home Sweet Home

I cannot believe I drank the entire bottle of wine,” Jan, a little tipsy, said as we left the restaurant. Concerned, I asked if I should call a cab to take us to the L train. No, I am a big girl and can manage a little more wine than usual.” We walked and talked as we slowly made our way to the nearest subway.

“Tell me about your new job.”

I am going to work with the COPE team. It does community organizing – I can’t remember now what the last two letters mean,” Jan muttered with a slight slur. Our mission is to help people with a mental illness to live in group homes in the community with support.

“That is a perfect job for you!”

“I am excited, and I start a week from next Monday.”

We chatted about the job until we entered the subway.

Once we sat down, Jan asked me, “Are you OK that I will make more than you do?”

“I am not concerned at all. I am thrilled that you have an excellent opportunity. With both of us working in the community this year, we should be able to have an impact on repairing the world and live a little more comfortably.”

As we switched to the L train, Jan held on to me.

I am a little drunker than I thought.”

Jan, I am glad I am here to help you on the trip home.”

“Me too. I should not have had so much wine.”

Not sure what you would have done if you had been alone or with someone….” I did not finish the sentence as I could not contemplate her this intoxicated with another man.

“I would not have had this much to drink if you had not been with me.”

As we approached the stairs to exit the L train, I directed her to hold on to the railing while I held her steady.

“I admit I am drunk, but I am also very aroused. Maybe you could take advantage of me when we get upstairs.”

We can make love.

“No, I am serious this time. I have fantasized about you taking advantage of me.”

I did not respond as I helped her walk up the stairs to our fourth-floor apartment.

As I helped Jan make her way up the stairs, I attempted to comprehend why she would want me to take advantage of her. It did not make sense to me, but my focus was getting us into our apartment. 

After I opened the apartment door, I helped her to the bathroom. 

“Thanks. Can you stay with me?”

I stayed with her, ready to help in any way she required. 

Fortunately, the bathroom was between the kitchen and the bedroom. I helped Jan sit on the bed and started to help her undress. 

Why don’t you just rip my clothes off and take me?

I did not know what to say but excused myself to go to the bathroom.

As I brushed my teeth, I heard her say, “Oh, no.”

Dropping the toothbrush, I turned to face her at the door to the bathroom.

“I feel sick.”

I pulled up the lid on the toilet just in time for a mix of wine and veal parmigiana to be deposited in the bowl. 

After cleaning up, I helped her back to bed.

“I think we should wait to make love….”

“I agree.”

As Jan’s breathing slowed and she fell asleep, my mind was moving at full throttle. Am I naïve and unaware of her needs? Why does Jan keep asking me to act in what I think is an aggressive way when she is intoxicated? Does she not know who I am?


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12 comments add your comment

  1. Excellent story…I never heard of any couple making almost the same salary!!

    Funny and sad story, but I enjoyed it!!

    • Thanks, Hugo, for your comment.

      Jan and I chose similar work focused on repairing the world. As a result, our salaries were both modest. That we ended with wages almost the same at the end is not all that surprising. If Jan had lived and continued to work at the YWCA for the last two years, her total compensation would have surpassed mine.

      I agree that the story, like life, is humorous and sad simultaneously. I write from my heart, and the articles reflect the complexity of the lives Jan and I lived and how life is complicated.

      The love that Jan and I shared will never die.

      In closing I wanted to share share a poem from Evergreen by Kirsten Robinson. Her poems are a tribute to the enduring resilience of human nature as we cycle through times of light and darkness, much like nature itself.

        Give thanks for all
        that is good and beautiful;
        the gifts you carry
        people who lift you up
        your big, big love
        faith and trust that your life
        is unfolding as it should

        Give thanks for all
        that has been difficult and hard;
        trials tribulations tears
        tests of self strength fears
        all of the unknowns and days
        that broke you

        Without the darkness
        you would not have
        learned to appreciate the light

      Thanks for your friendship and support.

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Scarlet Carnation: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Scarlet Carnation: A Novel

by Laila Ibrahim

Scarlet Carnation: A Novel by Laila Ibrahim is a book I enjoyed reading. Having read this book, I am now a fan of Laila Ibrahim and look forward to reading more of her novels. In addition, I am a fan of historical fiction, and this is one of the best I have read about the second decade of the twentieth century.

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The Goodreads overview highlights the narrative of the book.

In an early twentieth-century America roiling with racial injustice, class divides, and WWI, two women fight for their dreams in a galvanizing novel by the bestselling author of Golden Poppies. 1915. May and Naomi are extended families, their grandmothers’ lives inseparably entwined on a Virginia plantation in the volatile time leading up to the Civil War. For both women, the twentieth century promises social transformation and equal opportunity.

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In the tumult of a changing nation, these two women—whose grandmothers survived the Civil War—support each other’s quest for liberation and dignity. Both find the strength to confront injustice and the faith to thrive on their chosen paths.

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Read: December 2024

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Read: February 2024

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After Annie: A Novel

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I started reading Anna Quindlen‘s “After Annie: A Novel” today. Forty years ago, my wife Jan and I used to read Ms. Quindlen’s column “Life in the Thirties” in The New York Times, even if we didn’t have time to read anything else. We clipped and saved each column, which helped us manage getting older with children. I am reading “After Annie,” which is about how love can overcome loss.

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Beatriz Serrano is a striking new voice in international literature. A writer and journalist who has written for publications such as BuzzFeed, Vanity Fair, GQ, Harper’s Bazaar, El País, SModa, and Vogue. Along with writer Guillermo Alonso, she currently co-directs the podcast “Arsenic Caviar“, which won the Ondas Prize for best conversational podcast. Discontent is her first novel. She lives in Madrid.



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Read: March 2025

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The Amen Effect

by Sharon Brous

Sharon Brous, a prominent American rabbi, argues in The Amen Effect: Ancient Wisdom to Heal Our Hearts and Mend Our Broken World that the essential spiritual work of our time—though instinctual and often countercultural—focuses on connecting through celebration, sorrow, and solidarity. We must support one another in times of joy and pain, embracing vulnerability and possibility, nurturing relationships with shared purposes, and creating communities centered on care.

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A Columbia University graduate (holding both undergraduate and M.A. degrees in Human Rights), she was ordained by the Jewish Theological Seminary and resides in Los Angeles with her husband and children.


 

 

 



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Being Mortal

Read: August 2019

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Being Mortal

by Atul Gawande

Before departing for Toronto to celebrate our 44th Wedding Anniversary, I went through the e-library. Everything on my list that I wanted to read was not available except for this book. Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is the book I read on our vacation before Jan’s diagnosis of non-Hodgkin Large B-cell Lymphoma.

Selecting Being Mortal might seem an accidental choice to some, and I believe it was a divine intervention. It prepared me to be a caregiver to my wife over the nineteen months of her fight with cancer. It helped me focus on the good life that my wife lived and not the pain and suffering.

Atul Gawande describes his book as “riveting, honest, and humane. Being Mortal shows that the ultimate goal is not a good death but a good life – to the very end.”

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This book has had a lasting impact on my life. It allowed me to be a loving caregiver to my wife when she needed it more than anything else. I read it when it would be most beneficial to me.

I highly recommend this book.


Atul Gawande is the author of several bestselling books: Complications, a finalist for the National Book Award; Better; The Checklist Manifesto; and Being Mortal. He is also a surgeon at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, a staff writer for The New Yorker, and a professor at Harvard Medical School and the Harvard School of Public Health. He has won the Lewis Thomas Prize for Writing about Science, a MacArthur Fellowship, and two National Magazine Awards. In his work in public health, he is the Founder and Chair of Ariadne Labs, a joint center for health systems innovation, and Lifebox, a nonprofit organization dedicated to making surgery safer globally. He is also the chair of Haven, where he served as CEO from 2018 to 2020. He and his wife have three children and live in Newton, Massachusetts.



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