Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Jan Niagra Falls

Every Day Same as Yesterday!

Celebrate JanI live my life within a routine that repeats itself on an endless loop.

Doing the same every day might be boring to most people, but it was a method that ensured I could complete the tasks I needed to do.

Falling in love with Jan changed my daily patterns. With her, we developed new ones that enriched both of our lives.

Nine months after she died, my daily routines have helped me manage my grief and continue to live.

I wake up to Jan’s face on my Apple Watch, walk, write about her, and celebrate our love!

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Jan by the sea

Jan is My Guardian Angel

Celebrate JanAs much as I enjoy walking, if Jan were alive, she would convince me to be more cautious.

This morning was cold, a few degrees below freezing. It seemed like a perfect day to walk.

Light snow started accumulating on the brim of my Peets hat.

The snow was light and fluffy, and I felt no reason not to continue walking alone.

However, as the temperature rose, it turned to freezing rain. Twice my feet slipped in the icy path.

Each time, Jan reassured me that I could finish this walk.

Having a guardian angel walk with me reminds me that our love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Train to Moscow

A Train to Moscow

A Train to Moscow by Elena Gorokhova is set in post–World War II Russia; a girl, must reconcile a tragic past with her hope for the future in this powerful and poignant novel about family secrets, passion, loss, perseverance, and ambition. In a small, provincial town behind the Iron Curtain, Sasha lives in a house full of secrets, one of which is her dream of becoming an actress. When she leaves for Moscow to audition for drama school, she defies her mother and grandparents and abandons her first love, Andrei.

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Bryant Grill

Where’s Jan?

Celebrate JanCan you find Jan in this photo? Unlike Where’s Waldo, where you can find the eponymously named character, you will not see Jan in this photo at the Bryant Park Grill with my new friends who have lost their loved ones.

The image was taken precisely nine months after her funeral, but I know Jan is with me.

Our souls were divided at birth. The portion of her soul that I had is still with me. The piece of my soul that she had remained with her.

We were not destined to meet, but our love was bound together forever the day we met, and it will never die!

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Jan Lilien Human Rights Advocate

Like the Weather, Life can Change Quickly!

Celebrate JanFriday morning, I began my walk in fifty-six-degree weather with light rain. Ninety minutes later, when I returned home, it was thirty-nine degrees and steadily raining.

Living without Jan is much like walking in rapidly changing weather.

Just as I needed to be prepared when I left the house for my walk every day, I needed to build my emotional resilience and physical strength to manage my grief and share Jan’s love.

If I did not walk every morning, I might not get out of bed until the afternoon. Fresh air, warm or cold, clears my mind and helps me focus on loving Jan.

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Jan Words of Wisdom

Jan Whispers Words of Wisdom

With raindrops falling on my head, I hear Jan whispering words of wisdom.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Paul McCartney, Let it Be

Jan is with me now and always will be with me. Our love will never die; it will only become stronger every day! Let it be, Let it be.

Celebrate Jan

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Farmer Jan

The Numb Nines are Behind Me!

Celebrate JanNine months ago today, Jan, the love of my love, died.

Having survived the numb nines – 9 seconds, 9 minutes, 9 hours, nine days, I have begun to replace the loss of meaning and purpose by:

  1. Planning to Celebrate Jan Day on her birthday this year;
  2. Writing my random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered;
  3. Reading more than ever, including my Goodreads 2022 Challenge; and
  4. Walking more than I probably should.

However, if love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire, my path forward is to keep Jan’s love alive and continue to share it with others.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Jan Niagra Falls
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Jan by the sea
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A Train to Moscow

Read: February 2022

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A Train to Moscow

by Elena Gorokhova

A Train to Moscow by Elena Gorokhova is set in post–World War II Russia; a girl, must reconcile a tragic past with her hope for the future in this powerful and poignant novel about family secrets, passion, loss, perseverance, and ambition. In a small, provincial town behind the Iron Curtain, Sasha lives in a house full of secrets, one of which is her dream of becoming an actress.

When she leaves for Moscow to audition for drama school, she defies her mother and grandparents and abandons her first love, Andrei.

Before she leaves, Sasha discovers the hidden war journal of her uncle Kolya, an artist still missing in action years after the war has ended. His pages expose the official lies and the forbidden truth of Stalin’s brutality. Kolya’s revelations and tragic love story guide Sasha through drama school and cement her determination to live a thousand lives onstage.

After graduation, she begins acting in Leningrad, where Andrei, now a Communist Party apparatchik, becomes a censor of her work. As a past secret comes to light, Sasha’s ambitions converge with Andrei’s duties, and Sasha must decide if her dreams are genuinely worth the necessary sacrifice and if, as her grandmother likes to say, all will indeed be well.

This was a page-turner, as I held my breath to find out the next steps that Sasha would take. Her ambition combined with the secrets she learns keeps the reader focused on the next page.

I recommend this book.

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Jan Words of Wisdom
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Farmer Jan
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How Democracies Die

Read: January 2021

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How Democracies Die: What History Reveals About Our Future

by Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt

How Democracies Die: What History Reveals About Our Future by Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt was on my reading list for almost a year. In late December of last year, I started reading it and was in the final chapter on January 6, 2021. Like many of us, I never in my life expected to see a day like that in our country.

This type of event is one the authors talk about in their book.

According to the overview in GoodReads,

Donald Trump’s presidency has raised a question that many of us never thought we’d be asking: Is our democracy in danger? Harvard professors Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt have spent more than twenty years studying the breakdown of democracies in Europe and Latin America, and they believe the answer is yes. Democracy no longer ends with a bang–in a revolution or military coup–but with a whimper: the slow, steady weakening of critical institutions, such as the judiciary and the press, and the gradual erosion of long-standing political norms. The good news is that there are several exit ramps on the road to authoritarianism. The bad news is that, by electing Trump, we have already passed the first one.

Drawing on decades of research and a wide range of historical and global examples, from 1930s Europe to contemporary Hungary, Turkey, and Venezuela, to the American South during Jim Crow, Levitsky and Ziblatt show how democracies die–and how ours can be saved.

Our democracy is too valuable for us to have it die. We all need to work to preserve and strengthen it. How Democracies Die is a book that everyone needs to read!

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Writers and Lovers

Read: October 2021

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Writers and Lovers

by Lily King

Writers and Lovers by Lily King is a page-turner of a book. From page one, I was engaged with Casey and wanted to continue reading to find out how she resolved the crises of her life. The loss of her mother was a constant reminder of my loss. Although she mourned in a different way than I am, there was much we had in common. The big difference was she was writing a novel about her mother, and I am only doing journal entries and occasional posts.

Blindsided by her mother’s sudden death and wrecked by a recent love affair, Casey Peabody has arrived in Massachusetts in the summer of 1997 without a plan. Her mail consists of wedding invitations and final notices from debt collectors. A former child golf prodigy, she now waits tables in Harvard Square and rents a tiny, moldy room at the side of a garage where she works on the novel she’s been writing for six years. At thirty-one, Casey is still clutching onto something nearly all her old friends have let go of: the determination to live a creative life. When she falls for two very different men at the same time, her world fractures even more. Casey’s fight to fulfil her creative ambitions and balance the conflicting demands of art and life is challenged in ways that push her to the brink.

Writers & Lovers follows Casey–a smart and achingly vulnerable protagonist–in the last days of a long youth, a time when every element of her life comes to a crisis. Written with King’s trademark humor, heart, and intelligence, Writers & Lovers is a transfixing novel that explores the terrifying and exhilarating leap between the end of one phase of life and the beginning of another.

I very much recommend this book and this writer.


Lily King is a bestselling author on the New York Times list, known for her six novels, including Euphoria and Heart the Lover, as well as a collection of short stories titled Five Tuesdays in Winter. Her writing has garnered several prestigious awards, including the Kirkus Prize, the New England Book Award for Fiction, the Maine Book Award for Fiction, and a Whiting Award. Her books are read worldwide in twenty-eight different languages. She resides in Portland, Maine.



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Fire Exit: A Novel

Read: June 2024

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Fire Exit: A Novel

by Morgan Talty

Today, I started reading the novel “Fire Exit” by Morgan Talty. The book is the debut novel of the award-winning author of “Night of the Living Rez,” Morgan Talty. “Fire Exit” is a compelling story that explores the themes of family, legacy, culture, and our complex obligations toward one another. These are themes that I have focused on after losing my wife.

The protagonist, Charles Lamosway, lives by a river near Maine’s Penobscot Reservation. He watches his neighbor Elizabeth grow up, from her early days to her twenties, but he holds a secret: Elizabeth is his daughter, a truth he can no longer conceal.

Charles becomes anxious when he hasn’t seen Elizabeth for weeks. As he tries to hold on to his home, look after his friend Bobby and his mother Louise, and grapple with his past, Charles is forced to confront painful memories and ask himself difficult questions. Is it his place to share the secret about Elizabeth, and would she want to know the truth even if it means losing everything she has ever known?

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The Spoiled Heart: A Novel

Read: May 2024

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The Spoiled Heart: A Novel

by Sunjeev Sahota

Today, I started reading The Spoiled Heart: A Novel by Sunjeev Sahota. Nayan Olak has been seeing Helen Fletcher around town. She has returned to live in the run-down house at the end of the lane with her teenage son. Though she seems guarded, Nayan cannot help but be drawn to her. He has not risked love since losing his young family in a terrible accident twenty years ago.

After Nayan’s tragedy, his labor union, a pillar of his community, became his refuge and purpose. It was his way of striving for a better and fairer world. Now, Nayan wants to become the leader of the union, a decision that sets the stage for a gripping conflict. His opponent, Megha, a newcomer, is a more formidable challenger than he could have anticipated. Nayan is now in a battle that could redefine his life and community. The differences between Nayan and Megha escalate and threaten the ideals he holds dear. He finds solace in his growing bond with Helen. Unbeknownst to him, their connection is not just a product of their present circumstances but a thread that weaves through their lives, holding secrets that could shatter them. The suspense builds, leaving the readers on the edge of their seats and eager to uncover the truth.

In one sense, The Spoiled Heart is a tragedy in the classic mold, tracing one man’s seemingly inevitable fall. However, it is also an explosively contemporary story of how a few words or a single action, which may appear careless to one person, can be charged for another, triggering a cascade of unimaginable consequences. It is a blazing achievement from one of Britain’s foremost living writers, a vivid and multilayered exploration of the mysteries of the heart, how community is forged and broken, and the shattering impact of secrets and assumptions alike.

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At the Villa Rose

Read: August 2022

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At the Villa Rose

by Major Alfred Edward Woodley Mason

At the Villa Rose by Major Alfred Edward Woodley Mason, initially published in 1910, is a mystery novel in which Major Mason introduced his French detective, Inspector Hanaud, who was an early template for Agatha Christie’s famous Hercule Poirot. Missing jewels, high adventure some one hundred and fifty kilometers from Geneva, a casino, and blind love are all factors in a complex case for Hanaud, which ultimately involves a gang of frightened murderers. If you enjoy deductive mysteries like me, I highly recommend At the Villa Rose.

The Goodreads summary,

In Aix les Bains during the early 20th century, Celia Harland, a beautiful (of course) young English girl down on her luck, is befriended by a wealthy widow, Madame Dauvray, an addict of “spiritualism,” and stages seances for her benefactrix, while knowing full well that the supposed manifestations from the spirit world are entirely bogus. This set-up supplies the opportunity for a criminal gang master-minded by Madame Dauvray’s maid, with their eyes on the widow’s jewelry collection, to engineer an introduction for one of their numbers, Adele Tacé (“Rossignol”), whose taunts of disbelief goad the old lady into allowing a seance to be held which, unsuspected by either Celia or her patron, will be the cover for murder and robbery.

The crux of the plot is that as a medium, Celia will be made their innocent victim, on whom suspicion is to be planted.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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Daughter: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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Daughter: A Novel

by Claudia Dey

I started reading “Daughter: A Novel” by Claudia Dey today. According to Mona Dean, to be loved by your father is to be loved by God. Mona is a playwright, actress, and daughter of a man who is famous for a great novel. However, her father’s needs and insecurities significantly impact the women in his family, including Mona, her sister, her half-sister, and their mothers.

Mona’s father’s infidelity shattered her childhood, causing her to be in opposition to her stepmother, who also suffered from his actions. Mona’s father begins a new affair, and he confides in her. She enjoys his attention painfully and parasitically. When he confesses to his wife, Mona is blamed for the disruption, punished for her father’s actions, and kicked out of the family.

Mona’s life is chaotic, and she struggles to regain stability. Only when she experiences a profound and defining loss does she begin to replace absent love with real love? Pushed to the brink, she must decide how she wants to live, what Mona needs to say, and the risks she’s willing to take to say it.

Claudia Dey provides penetrating insight and devilish humor to chronicle our most intimate lives in “Daughter.” It’s an obsessive and blazing examination of the forces that drive us to become, create, and break free.

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