Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Vase

Empty Valentines Day Vase

Celebrate JanI ordered roses for Valentine’s Day in the early days of online shopping.

The order included a dozen roses and a vase. Both were to be delivered to her office.

Jan called me the day before delivery and thanked me for the lovely vase. I was shocked as I expected both to arrive together.

I was sure she would know that the roses to fill the vase would arrive the next day. However, she brought the vase home. We had a good laugh the next day.

Love never dies, even if there is no vase for the roses.

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Jan

Next Stop, New York City!

Celebrate JanFifty years ago today, I took the night train from Georgia to NYC to begin VISTA training.

I was not sure I was ready, but I was as prepared as possible.

As a VISTA in Williamsburg, where I arrived a week later, I found meaning and purpose.

But until I met Jan, I did not have Love, the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire.

I thought I had found Love, but the one I thought I loved had distanced herself from me. I could not accept that it was over until two months before meeting Jan.

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RAIN

Mindfulness with RAIN

Celebrate JanI do mindfulness meditations daily using Michele McDonald’s acronym RAIN‘s four steps:

  1. Recognize what is going on
  2. Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
  3. Investigate with kindness
  4. Natural awareness comes from not identifying with the experience.

I have learned to recognize and accept that Jan is only with me in spirit.

Acceptance was not easy, but it was necessary to experience my life entirely.

When I investigate with kindness, I am reminded how transformative Jan’s love was and continues to be.

Natural loving awareness helped me understand that our love will never end.

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Confident Jan

Second COVID Vaccine

Celebrate JanA year ago, Jan and I got our second COVID vaccine. Little did we know that she would test positive for the coronavirus five days later.

The first week of January had been the best week for Jan since she was diagnosed. We both thought she was cancer-free.

She wanted to be vaccinated soon to feel safe seeing family and friends. She was approved for the vaccine.

The following week, she became weaker by the day. We both remained optimistic.

After the second dose, she was exhausted. Both of us presumed it was a reaction to the vaccine.

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When No One is Watching

When No One is Watching

When No One is Watching by Alyssa Cole, is a novel where the gentrification of a Brooklyn neighborhood takes on a sinister new meaning. Sydney Green is Brooklyn-born and raised, but her beloved neighborhood seems to change every time she blinks. Condos are sprouting like weeds, FOR SALE signs are popping up overnight, and the neighbors she’s known all her life are disappearing.

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Jan in the Ocean

Flowing Waters Soothed Jan’s Soul

Jan always loved to take off her shoes and wade in the water if we were close to a lake, pond, river, or ocean.

We discussed adding a waterfall in our backyard or purchasing a desktop one for her office. For various reasons, we never were able to do either of these.

We are planning to include a water fountain in Jan’s living memorial. Because of space, her fountain will only be three vases. We will have lighting for both daytime and nighttime. It will also operate year-round, providing a frozen water display in the winter.

Celebrate Jan

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Jan and Richard Lovers Forever

Dreamers of the Day and Night

Celebrate JanI am a dreamer of the day because I could act on the “dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.”

If I ever dreamed at night, my insomnia eliminated my nighttime imagination. As T.E. Lawrence said,

Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity.

This morning, I was sure that Jan and I were spooning after a night of intimacy; but I was only spooning her pillow when I opened my eyes.

Yes, it was vanity. But also a reminder that our love will never die because Jan is with me now and forever.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

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When No One is Watching

Read: February 2022

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When No One is Watching

by Alyssa Cole

When No One Is Watching by Alyssa Cole is a novel where the gentrification of a Brooklyn neighborhood takes on a sinister new meaning.

Sydney Green is Brooklyn-born and raised, but her beloved neighborhood seems to change every time she blinks. Condos are sprouting like weeds, FOR SALE signs are popping up overnight, and the neighbors she’s known all her life are disappearing. To hold onto her community’s past and present, Sydney channels her frustration into a walking tour and finds an unlikely and unwanted assistant in one of the new arrivals to the block—her neighbor Theo.

But Sydney and Theo’s deep dive into history quickly becomes a dizzying descent into paranoia and fear. After all, their neighbors may not have moved to the suburbs, and the push to revitalize the community may be more deadly than advertised.

When does coincidence become a conspiracy? Where do people go when gentrification pushes them out? Can Sydney and Theo trust each other—or themselves—long enough to find out before they too disappear?

Having lived in Brooklyn and seen the impacts of gentrification, redlining, and other practices, I found this book one that I truly enjoyed. The book will provide a detailed history lesson if you are like Theo and have no thought of these issues.

I enjoyed the visit to Weeksville, as I have been there on several professional occasions. The history of that community needs to be told.

I recommend this book.

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Palaver

Read: November 2025

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Palaver: A Novel

by Bryan Washington

Written with subtle humor and warmth, Bryan Washington‘s Palaver weaves together the past and present across Houston, Jamaica, and Japan. This intricate story explores themes of family, love, and the beauty of coexistence. A finalist for the National Book Award for Fiction, this novel is a life-affirming tale about family, healing, and the ways we learn to love, showcasing the talent of the award-winning Bryan Washington.

In Tokyo, a young man works as an English tutor and spends his nights out with friends at a gay bar. He is involved in a sexual relationship with a married man. Although he has formed a chosen family in Japan, he and his mother, who resides in Houston, are estranged from each other. Her preference for his troubled, homophobic brother, Chris, ultimately pushed him to leave home. Then, in the weeks leading up to Christmas—ten years after they last saw each other—his mother arrives uninvited at his doorstep.

With only the son’s cat, Taro, to mediate, the two clash immediately. The mother struggles with memories of her youth in Jamaica and her complicated relationship with her brother, as she attempts to reconcile her good intentions with past mistakes. Meanwhile, the son grapples with the challenge of forgiveness. However, as life takes unexpected turns—leading the mother to form a tentative friendship with a local bistro owner and the son to connect with a new patron at the bar cautiously—they begin to see each other more clearly.

Through shared meals, conversations, and an eventful trip to Nara, both mother and son try to determine where “home” truly is and whether they can find it in one another.


Bryan Washington is the author of the story collection Lot and the novels Memorial and Family Meal. He is a National Book Award 5 Under 35 Honoree. He has won several prestigious awards, including the Dylan Thomas Prize, the NYPL Young Lions Fiction Award, the Ernest J. Gaines Award, two Lambda Literary Awards, and an O. Henry Prize.

Washington has also been a finalist for various awards, such as the National Book Critics Circle Award for Fiction, the Aspen Words Literary Prize, the Center for Fiction First Novel Prize, the Andrew Carnegie Medal of Excellence, and the James Tait Black Prize. The New York Times referred to his writing as among the 25 Most Influential Works of Postwar Queer Literature, and he was a columnist for the New York Times Magazine.

As a frequent contributor to The New Yorker and The New York Times, his writing has appeared in other notable publications, including Granta, The New York Times Magazine, New York, Time, GQ, and Esquire, among others. He lives in Tokyo.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books that I’ve personally vetted to ensure quality and enjoyment. Additionally, by supporting these selections, you’ll help me continue to provide you with more personalized recommendations. I earn a small commission from your purchase, which allows me to buy and share even more books with you. Your support truly makes a difference!


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Everything's Fine

Read: June 2023

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Everything’s Fine

by Cecilia Rabess

I started reading Everything’s Fine by Cecilia Rabess today, a stunning debut introducing a talented new author. However, I found it easier to decide to read it after reading in the New York Times that some reviewers on Goodreads criticized the book’s premise without reading it. It’s unfair to criticize something after experiencing it first-hand.

On Jess’s first day at Goldman Sachs, she’s disappointed to learn that she’ll be working with Josh, a white conservative she used to argue with in college. Josh enjoys playing devil’s advocate and can be challenging to deal with.

But when Jess realizes she’s the only Black woman on the team and is being overlooked, Josh offers his support in imperfect but meaningful ways. As they develop an unlikely friendship with undeniable chemistry, it eventually becomes an electrifying romance that shocks them both.

Despite their differences, their attraction brings them together, and Jess starts to question whether happiness is more important than being right. However, as the cultural and political landscape shifts in 2016, Jess, who is just discovering herself, must decide what she’s willing to compromise for love and if everything is excellent. This poignant and sharp novel by Cecilia Rabess asks if they will and if they should.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Quiet Tenant

Read: August 2023

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The Quiet Tenant

by Clémence Michallon

Today, I commenced reading The Quiet Tenant by Clémence Michallon. It is not my typical genre, as it is a pulse-pounding psychological thriller about a serial killer narrated by those closest to him: his 13-year-old daughter, his girlfriend—and the one victim he has spared.

Aidan Thomas is a hard-working family man and a somewhat beloved figure in the small upstate New York town where he lives. He’s the man who always lends a hand and has a good word for everyone. But Aidan has a dark secret he’s been keeping from everyone in town and those closest to him. He’s a kidnapper and serial killer. Aidan has murdered eight women, and there’s a ninth he has earmarked for death: Rachel, imprisoned in a backyard shed, fearing for her life.

When Aidan’s wife dies, he and his thirteen-year-old daughter Cecilia are forced to move. Aidan has no choice but to bring Rachel along, introducing her to Cecilia as a “family friend who needs a place to stay. Aidan is betting on Rachel, after five years of captivity, being too brainwashed and fearful to attempt to escape. But Rachel is a fighter and survivor and recognizes Cecilia might be the lifeline she has waited for all these years. As Rachel tests the boundaries of her new living situation, she begins to form a tenuous connection with Cecilia. And when Emily, a local restaurant owner, develops a crush on the handsome widower, she finds herself drawn into Rachel and Cecilia’s orbit, dangerously close to discovering Aidan’s secret.

Told through the perspectives of Rachel, Cecilia, and Emily, The Quiet Tenant explores the psychological impact of Aidan’s crimes on the women in his life—and the bonds between those women that give them the strength to fight back. A searing thriller and an astute study of trauma, survival, and power dynamics, The Quiet Tenant is an electrifying debut thriller by a significant talent.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Dream Count

Read: March 2025

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Dream Count: A Novel

by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Today, I dove into “Dream Count” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, and I couldn’t be more excited! A decade in the making, this novel promises to be a captivating journey. Known for her bestselling works like “Americanah” and “We Should All Be Feminists,” Adichie brings her trademark brilliance to this story of four women exploring their loves, longings, and desires. I can’t wait to see how their lives unfold!

Chiamaka is a Nigerian travel writer living in America. During the pandemic, feeling alone, she reflects on her past lovers and grapples with her choices and regrets. Her best friend Zikora, a successful lawyer, faces betrayal and heartbreak, leading her to turn to the person she thought she needed the least. Omelogor, Chiamaka’s bold and outspoken cousin, is a financial powerhouse in Nigeria who begins to question how well she truly knows herself. Meanwhile, Kadiatou, Chiamaka’s housekeeper, proudly raises her daughter in America yet must confront an unimaginable hardship that threatens everything she has worked to achieve.

In “Dream Count,” Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie focuses on these women’s lives in a captivating and profound novel that explores the very nature of love. Is true happiness ever attainable, or is it merely a fleeting state? How honest must we be with ourselves to love and be loved? The story profoundly reflects on our choices and those made for us, mothers and daughters, and our interconnected world. “Dream Count” resonates with emotional urgency and provides poignant, unflinching observations of the human heart, all conveyed in beautifully powerful language. This work reaffirms Adichie’s status as one of contemporary literature’s most exciting and dynamic writers.


Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie grew up in Nigeria. Her work has been translated into more than fifty-five languages. She is the author of the novels “Purple Hibiscus,” which won the Commonwealth Writers’ Prize; “Half of a Yellow Sun,” which was the recipient of the Women’s Prize for Fiction “Best of the Best” award; Americanah, which won the National Book Critics Circle Award; the story collection “The Thing Around Your Neck” and the essays We Should All Be Feminists and Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions. Her most recent work is an essay about losing her father, Notes on Grief, and Mama’s Sleeping Scarf, a children’s book by Nwa Grace-James. A recipient of a MacArthur Fellowship, she divides her time between the United States and Nigeria.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!

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Flesh

Read: May 2025

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Flesh: A Novel

by David Szalay

David Szalay, a finalist for the Booker Prize, has written a gripping and mesmerizing novel, Flesh, which follows a man whose life is turned upside down by events beyond his control. Concise and thought-provoking, Flesh delves into the subtle yet lasting effects of unresolved trauma amid the instability and violence of an increasingly globalized Europe. The novel offers sharp insights, unwavering emotional depth, and a remarkable portrayal of humanity.

Teenaged István lives with his mother in a quiet apartment complex in Hungary. Shy and new to the area, he struggles to engage with the social rituals of his classmates and soon becomes isolated. His only companion is his neighbor, a married woman of a similar age to his mother, whom he begrudgingly assists with errands. As their periodic encounters evolve into a clandestine relationship that István can barely comprehend, his life spirals out of control, culminating in a violent accident that results in a man’s death.

A tumultuous journey unfolds as István emigrates from Hungary to London, navigating a series of jobs before securing steady employment as a driver for London’s affluent elite. At each stage, his life is influenced by the goodwill or self-interest of strangers. Throughout it all, István remains a calm, detached observer of his existence. Through his perspective, we experience a tragic twist on the immigrant “success story,” lit by moments of sensitivity, softness, and Szalay’s keen observations.

Fast-paced and immersive, Flesh reveals István’s life through intimate moments with lovers, employers, and family members, charting his experiences over several decades. As the story unfolds, the tension between what is seen and unseen, and what can and cannot be expressed, intensifies until, ultimately, a sudden tragedy jeopardizes István’s life yet again.


David Szalay is the author of Turbulence, London and the South-East, and All That Man Is. He has been awarded the Gordon Burn Prize and the Paris Review Plimpton Prize for Fiction, and has been shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize. Born in Canada, he grew up in London and now lives in Vienna. His most recent novel is Flesh.



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Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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Read: April 2026

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The Future Is Peace

by Aziz Abu Sarah and Maoz Inon

The Future Is Peace: A Shared Journey Across the Holy Land” explores the experiences of two lifelong peace activists, Aziz Abu Sarah and Maoz Inon, who serve as guides in Israel and Palestine. Both have personally endured loss due to the ongoing conflict. They lead readers on a profound and transformative journey through this sacred yet tumultuous land, revealing the historical, political, and personal narratives that both divide and connect their communities and peoples.

We do not see ourselves as Palestinians and Israelis, or as Jews and Arabs, but as human beings who believe in fostering a culture of dialogue, a culture of forgiveness, and a culture of peace. To those who see only division lines, we say: If you must divide us, let it be as those who believe in peace and equality and those who don’t… yet.”

Palestinian Aziz Abu Sarah and Maoz Inon forged a bond of brotherhood when the world expected them to be enemies. Both have lost family to the conflict. Both have known the bitterness of righteous anger. Yet, they chose a different path.

In The Future Is Peace, Sarah and Inon take readers on a transformative weeklong journey across a sacred and bloodstained land. Facing competing narratives, they explore how compassion and unity can pull humanity back from the precipice of blind hatred. Throughout their travels, they have been asked again and again: In the face of so much loss, how can we ever find hope? Their answer is always the same. One cannot find hope. We must create it.

This book is a rebuttal to a broken world and a bold challenge to the belief that more violence can ever bring security. Told with unflinching honesty, their story is proof that peace is not a naive dream, but a courageous choice—for reconciliation to heal the wounds of revenge, for partnerships to change a destiny of war, and for empathy to save us from drowning in sorrow.

Pairing unapologetic candor with inspirational prose, Sarah and Inon are sending an urgent message: the people have the power to make change. Peace is inevitable. For Palestinians, for Israelis, and for the world that awaits their example, it is not just possible—it is the future.


Aziz Abu Sarah serves as Co-CEO of InterAct International, a nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting peace in the Middle East. He is a peacebuilder, entrepreneur, National Geographic Explorer, TED Fellow, and a respected speaker and trainer in conflict resolution and responsible travel.

Aziz is also the co-founder of MEJDI Tours, a travel company aiming to transform tourism into a powerful tool for citizen diplomacy. He has received numerous accolades, including awards from the United Nations, the Institute of International Education, and the Explorers Club.

Recognized as one of the world’s 500 most influential Muslims by the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center in Jordan, Aziz has contributed opinion pieces to prominent publications such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, Al-Quds, and Haaretz.

Maoz Inon is the Co-CEO of InterAct International, a nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting peace in the Middle East. He is a peace activist from Israel and an entrepreneur. In recognition of his efforts, he has received the prestigious Franco-German Human Rights Prize and the Shared Living Award from Abraham Initiatives.

He has spoken before audiences on Capitol Hill, at universities across the United States, and in the European Parliament. Additionally, Inon has contributed articles to various publications, including The Washington Post, Al Jazeera, and Haaretz.

He has also founded several initiatives aimed at fostering peace in Israel and the Middle East, including the Jesus Trail, Fauzi Azar Inn, and the Abraham Hostel & Tour brands.



Discover your next favorite book and dive into a world of curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. You’ll have access to a diverse selection of books I’ve personally vetted for quality and enjoyment. Supporting these selections not only helps me continue to provide you with personalized recommendations but also ensures you have access to meaningful stories that enrich your life. Your support truly makes a difference in helping me share more books and insights with you!


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