Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Jan in the Ocean

Flowing Waters Soothed Jan’s Soul

Jan always loved to take off her shoes and wade in the water if we were close to a lake, pond, river, or ocean.

We discussed adding a waterfall in our backyard or purchasing a desktop one for her office. For various reasons, we never were able to do either of these.

We are planning to include a water fountain in Jan’s living memorial. Because of space, her fountain will only be three vases. We will have lighting for both daytime and nighttime. It will also operate year-round, providing a frozen water display in the winter.

Celebrate Jan

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Jan and Richard Lovers Forever

Dreamers of the Day and Night

Celebrate JanI am a dreamer of the day because I could act on the “dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.”

If I ever dreamed at night, my insomnia eliminated my nighttime imagination. As T.E. Lawrence said,

Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity.

This morning, I was sure that Jan and I were spooning after a night of intimacy; but I was only spooning her pillow when I opened my eyes.

Yes, it was vanity. But also a reminder that our love will never die because Jan is with me now and forever.

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Jan Niagra Falls

Every Day Same as Yesterday!

Celebrate JanI live my life within a routine that repeats itself on an endless loop.

Doing the same every day might be boring to most people, but it was a method that ensured I could complete the tasks I needed to do.

Falling in love with Jan changed my daily patterns. With her, we developed new ones that enriched both of our lives.

Nine months after she died, my daily routines have helped me manage my grief and continue to live.

I wake up to Jan’s face on my Apple Watch, walk, write about her, and celebrate our love!

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Jan by the sea

Jan is My Guardian Angel

Celebrate JanAs much as I enjoy walking, if Jan were alive, she would convince me to be more cautious.

This morning was cold, a few degrees below freezing. It seemed like a perfect day to walk.

Light snow started accumulating on the brim of my Peets hat.

The snow was light and fluffy, and I felt no reason not to continue walking alone.

However, as the temperature rose, it turned to freezing rain. Twice my feet slipped in the icy path.

Each time, Jan reassured me that I could finish this walk.

Having a guardian angel walk with me reminds me that our love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Train to Moscow

A Train to Moscow

A Train to Moscow by Elena Gorokhova is set in post–World War II Russia; a girl, must reconcile a tragic past with her hope for the future in this powerful and poignant novel about family secrets, passion, loss, perseverance, and ambition. In a small, provincial town behind the Iron Curtain, Sasha lives in a house full of secrets, one of which is her dream of becoming an actress. When she leaves for Moscow to audition for drama school, she defies her mother and grandparents and abandons her first love, Andrei.

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Bryant Grill

Where’s Jan?

Celebrate JanCan you find Jan in this photo? Unlike Where’s Waldo, where you can find the eponymously named character, you will not see Jan in this photo at the Bryant Park Grill with my new friends who have lost their loved ones.

The image was taken precisely nine months after her funeral, but I know Jan is with me.

Our souls were divided at birth. The portion of her soul that I had is still with me. The piece of my soul that she had remained with her.

We were not destined to meet, but our love was bound together forever the day we met, and it will never die!

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Jan Lilien Human Rights Advocate

Like the Weather, Life can Change Quickly!

Celebrate JanFriday morning, I began my walk in fifty-six-degree weather with light rain. Ninety minutes later, when I returned home, it was thirty-nine degrees and steadily raining.

Living without Jan is much like walking in rapidly changing weather.

Just as I needed to be prepared when I left the house for my walk every day, I needed to build my emotional resilience and physical strength to manage my grief and share Jan’s love.

If I did not walk every morning, I might not get out of bed until the afternoon. Fresh air, warm or cold, clears my mind and helps me focus on loving Jan.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Jan in the Ocean
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Jan and Richard Lovers Forever
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Jan Niagra Falls
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Jan by the sea
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A Train to Moscow

Read: February 2022

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A Train to Moscow

by Elena Gorokhova

A Train to Moscow by Elena Gorokhova is set in post–World War II Russia; a girl, must reconcile a tragic past with her hope for the future in this powerful and poignant novel about family secrets, passion, loss, perseverance, and ambition. In a small, provincial town behind the Iron Curtain, Sasha lives in a house full of secrets, one of which is her dream of becoming an actress.

When she leaves for Moscow to audition for drama school, she defies her mother and grandparents and abandons her first love, Andrei.

Before she leaves, Sasha discovers the hidden war journal of her uncle Kolya, an artist still missing in action years after the war has ended. His pages expose the official lies and the forbidden truth of Stalin’s brutality. Kolya’s revelations and tragic love story guide Sasha through drama school and cement her determination to live a thousand lives onstage.

After graduation, she begins acting in Leningrad, where Andrei, now a Communist Party apparatchik, becomes a censor of her work. As a past secret comes to light, Sasha’s ambitions converge with Andrei’s duties, and Sasha must decide if her dreams are genuinely worth the necessary sacrifice and if, as her grandmother likes to say, all will indeed be well.

This was a page-turner, as I held my breath to find out the next steps that Sasha would take. Her ambition combined with the secrets she learns keeps the reader focused on the next page.

I recommend this book.

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Bryant Grill
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Jan Lilien Human Rights Advocate
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The Secret Hours

Read: January 2024

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The Secret Hours

by Mick Herron

Today, I started reading “The Secret Hours” by Mick Herron, a gripping spy thriller about a disastrous MI5 mission in Cold War Berlin. This book is a must-read for fans of “Slow Horses.” “The Secret Hours” is a standalone spy thriller that is both unnerving and poignant yet also has laugh-out-loud moments. It is the breathtaking secret history that Slough House fans have been waiting for.

Two years ago, a hostile prime minister launched the Monochrome inquiry, which aimed to investigate “historical over-reaching” by the British Secret Service. Griselda Fleet and Malcolm Kyle, two civil servants seconded to the project, were given unfettered access to all confidential information in the Service archives to ferret any hint of misconduct by any MI5 officer.

However, MI5’s formidable First Desk did not become Britain’s top spy by accident, and she has successfully thwarted the inquiry at every turn. The administration that created Monochrome has been ousted, and the investigation is a total bust. Griselda and Malcolm are stuck watching as the pounding London rain washes away their career prospects.

On the eve of Monochrome’s shuttering, an MI5 case file appears without explanation. It is the buried history of a classified operation in 1994 Berlin, which ended in tragedy and scandal, whose cover-up has rewritten thirty years of Service history.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Hey, Zoey

Read: June 2024

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Hey, Zoey: A Novel

by Sarah Crossan

Today, I enjoyed immersing myself in the captivating and thought-provoking world of Sarah Crossan‘s novel ‘Hey, Zoey.’ As Sarah Dunn eloquently puts it, this book is a masterful blend of brilliance and dark humor. The story revolves around Dolores O’Shea, whose life turns surprising when she discovers her husband’s AI sex doll, Zoey, in the garage.

A profound and heartfelt journey of self-discovery unfolds for Dolores as she and ‘Zoey‘ develop an unconventional bond, unearthing deeply buried emotions and memories. Dolores O’Shea, a 43-year-old woman, is a beacon of strength, juggling her job, ailing mother, and social life with remarkable efficiency.

Her marriage with an anesthesiologist, David, is in turmoil, but she’s determined to confront the issues. Her world is completely upended when she uncovers Zoey, the $8,000 AI sex doll that David had been concealing in the garage. At first, Dolores’ response to Zoey is a whirlwind of anger and confusion, throwing her meticulously organized life into chaos.

As the narrative unfolds, Dolores and Zoey embark on a series of conversations that unearth unexpected emotions and memories, profoundly influencing all of Dolores’ relationships, particularly her relationship with herself. Dolores’ journey is a rollercoaster of events and emotions that resonates with us all. ‘Hey, Zoey‘ is a novel that enthralls and challenges our perception of modern-day connections and the diverse forms that love can assume in a lifetime.

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These Summer Storms

Read: July 2025

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These Summer Storms

by Sarah MacLean

These Summer Storms by Sarah MacLean is a poignant and thoughtful story about the transformative power of grief, love, and family—the novel delves into past secrets, present truths, and futures shaped by wild summer storms. Alice Storm has not been welcome at her family’s magnificent private island off the Rhode Island coast for five years—not since she was cast out and built her life apart from the Storm name, its influence, and untold billions.

However, the shocking death of her larger-than-life father changes everything. Alice plans to keep a low profile, pay her final respects (as complicated as they are), and leave as soon as the funeral concludes. Unfortunately, her father had other plans. The eccentric and manipulative patriarch left his family a final challenge—an inheritance game designed to disrupt their lives. The rules are straightforward: spend one week on the island, complete their assigned tasks, and receive the inheritance.

Spending an entire week on Storm Island presents challenges for Alice. The old house is chaotic in every corner: her older sister’s secret love affair, her brother displays unwavering arrogance, and her younger sister is constantly analyzing the “vibes.” All of this is under the stern, watchful gaze of Jack Dean, her father’s intriguing and too-handsome second-in-command. It will take a miracle for Alice to escape unscathed.


Sarah MacLean is the author of sixteen New York Times bestselling novels, translated into more than twenty-five languages. She co-hosts the weekly romance novel podcast Fated Mates and is a prominent voice in the romance genre. A product of Rhode Island summers and New England storms, MacLean now lives with her family in New York City.



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The Hero of This Book: A Novel

Read: November 2022

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The Hero of This Book: A Novel

by Elizabeth McCracken

The Hero of This Book: A Novel by Elizabeth McCracken is a searing examination of grief and renewal and a deeply felt relationship between a child and her parents. It is not a memoir but a remembrance of those we have lost. Ten months after her mother’s death, the narrator of The Hero of This Book takes a trip to London. The city was a favorite of her mother’s, and as the narrator wanders the streets, she reflects on her mother’s life and their relationship.

Thoughts of the past meld with questions of the future: Back in New England, the family home is now up for sale, its considerable contents already winnowed.

The following quote resonated with me.

I’ve always hated the notion, in life or in fiction, that the human personality is a puzzle to be solved, that we are a single flashback away from understanding why this person is cruel to her children, why that man has a dreamy, downcast look. A human being is not a lock and the past is not a key.

I highly recommend this book.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

The woman, a writer, recalls all that made her complicated mother extraordinary–her brilliant wit, her generosity, her unbelievable obstinacy, her sheer will to seize life despite physical difficulties–and finds herself wondering how her mother had endured. Even though she wants to respect her mother’s nearly pathological sense of privacy, the woman must come to terms with whether making a chronicle of this remarkable life constitutes an act of love or betrayal.

The Hero of This Book is a searing examination of grief and renewal and a deeply felt relationship between a child and her parents. What begins as a question of filial devotion ultimately becomes a lesson in what it means to write. At once comic and heartbreaking, with prose that delights at every turn, this is a novel of such piercing love and tenderness that we are reminded that art is what remains when all else falls away.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

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The Field of Blood: Violence in Congress and the Road to Civil War

Read: March 2019

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The Field of Blood

by Joanne B. Freeman

The Field of Blood: Violence in Congress and the Road to Civil War by Joanne B. Freeman, Professor of History and American Studies at Yale University, is a must-read in our hyper-partisan times. The partisanship and divisiveness of the period before the Civil War have many parallels to our time, and the difference is the violence of the Civil War era. Professor Freeman recovers the long-lost story of physical violence on the floor of the U.S. Congress.

She can do this by first source materials from Benjamin Brown French. He was never elected to office but was an acquaintance of twelve consecutive presidents, from Andrew Jackson to Ulysses S. Grant. In addition, he maintained a diary for forty years that highlighted the violence and his and the nation’s political transformation.

During much of this period, he was the Clerk in the House.  His diary documents the violence that did not get covered by the press. Legislative sessions included mortal threats, canings, flipped desks, and all-out slugfests. When debate broke down, members of Congress drew pistols and waved Bowie knives. One representative even killed another in a duel. Many were beaten and bullied in an attempt to intimidate them into compliance, particularly on the issue of slavery.

The Field of Blood is one of four books I purchased after my first One Day University class.

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The Book of I

Read: October 2025

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The Book of I: A Novel

by David Greig

“The Book of I” by David Greig is a remarkable debut novel from Scotland, shortlisted for both the Highland Book Prize and the Bookmark Book Festival Book of the Year. This unique work offers a philosophical exploration of themes such as guilt, redemption, humanity, love, and the beliefs we hold dear. Told with humor and enhanced by sharply vivid dialogue, David Greig skillfully bridges the gap between our contemporary world and the past.

Set in the year 825 CE, the story unfolds in the aftermath of a brutal attack by northern raiders, leaving an unlikely trio as the sole survivors on a remote Scottish island. The survivors include Brother Martin, a young monk who is the only member of the local monastery to escape martyrdom; Una, a beekeeper and mead maker who has freed herself from her violent husband during the chaos; and Grimur, an aging Norseman who digs himself out of a makeshift grave where his fellow raiders had left him, believing him to be dead.

As the seasons change in this wild and isolated environment, their initial distrust of one another evolves into a complex exploration of the distances and connections among them. “The Book of I” is a unique novel that serves as a philosophical commentary on guilt, redemption, humanity, love, and the beliefs we choose to embrace.


David Greig is a renowned Scottish writer whose plays have been performed extensively across the UK and internationally. His notable works for the theatre include The Strange Undoing of Prudencia Hart, Touching the Void, Midsummer, The Events, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Local Hero, and Macbeth (also known as Dunsinane). He served as the Artistic Director of Edinburgh’s Lyceum Theatre from 2015 to 2025. The Book of I marks his debut novel.



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