Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Last walk on the beach

Jan’s Love Guides Me Every Day!

Celebrate JanIt has been a year since Jan and I had our last conversation.

Twelve months have gone by so quickly that it is challenging to accept how long it has been since we last spoke.

Her words of wisdom still fill my heart with joy, and every time I am unsure of which way to go, I ask What Would Jan Do?

She always guides me, even if her voice is silent.

I still miss the vibrant communication that was the core of the relationship since we met.

Her love will never die; it only grows stronger every day!

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Another Day, Another Decade Older

Another Day, Another Decade Older

Celebrate JanWhile washing my face with only cold water, I wonder who that older man is looking at me in the mirror.

Unfortunately, I am that ancient man.

The only time I sense that my hair was once red is when it is wet. Even then, it is a hint of color hidden by gray hair.

My eyes are hollow and have permanent black eyes.

Only a year ago, Jan was beside me celebrating my birthday. Now I am alone and have aged a decade in twelve months.

If love never dies, why am I aging so fast?

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Loving Jan

Memories of Spring 2019

Celebrate JanJan and I always enjoyed Spring.

As we walked into the Convention Center in early March 2019 to attend the Philadelphia Flower Show, we breathed in Spring despite Jan’s aversion to pollen.

This short Apple Photos memory was the last year we attended. COVID and lymphoma kept us home the following year.

Other events in the video include:

Little did we know it would be the last healthy Spring we would have together. Love never dies; it only grows stronger every day.

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Introducing my Friends to Jan

Zoom Friends are Real Friends

Celebrate JanThe first time I heard the phrase Zoom Friends, it sounded as oxymoronic as Facebook friends.

After almost a year in Zoom grief groups, I have changed my opinion.

Research by Jeffrey Hall, an expert in the psychology of friendship, has quantified that “it takes 45-hours of presence in another person’s company to move from acquaintance to friend.”

Although our contact on Zoom is in Hollywood Squares boxes, my fellow widows in my groups have surpassed the 45-hour timeframe and have become close friends.

They will never replace Jan, but they have filled a void and helped me survive the first eleven months of grief.

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Every Day Is a New Beginning

Every Day Is a New Beginning

Celebrate JanI am an optimist by nature. Since Jan died, my faith has been tested.

Despite my doubts, I wake up every morning, take a deep breath, smile and start as if today will be different.

If every day is a new beginning, why do most days seem like the day before?

How long can I live if life is monotonous?

I wipe away tears that have yet to leave my eyes and proceed as if today will be different. I know that Jan will be with me, and our love will never die.

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Peacock Power: More is Possible!

Peacock Power: More is Possible!

Celebrate JanI am not a basketball fan. Most years, March Madness flies by me faster than pollen fills my nostrils.

This year the St. Peter’s University Peacocks from Jersey City has become a cinderella team.

They barely qualified for the tournament and now are in the Elite Eight after beating universities much more prominent and more experience.

Their mantra is More is Possible.

As I continue my grief journey, the Peacocks remind me that if they can get up every day and play a game they love, I can continue to love Jan and share her love.

More is Possible for all of us!

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Fellow Travelers on Life's Journey

Fellow Travelers on Life’s Journey

We are all merely fellow travelers on life’s proverbial journey.

I am lost, adrift, and grieving deeply for the love of my life.

Jan and I always believed that helping others is the only way to help ourselves.

I offer my hand of friendship to assist others. Each time I help someone, my journey is a little less taxing, although grief still defines me.

Helping others and sharing Jan’s love is the only way I know to manage my grief and live a life that Jan would be proud that I had achieved.

Jan’s love will never die; it will only grow stronger.

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Last walk on the beach
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Another Day, Another Decade Older
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Loving Jan
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Introducing my Friends to Jan
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Every Day Is a New Beginning
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Peacock Power: More is Possible!
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Fellow Travelers on Life's Journey
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The Secret Hours

Read: January 2024

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The Secret Hours

by Mick Herron

Today, I started reading “The Secret Hours” by Mick Herron, a gripping spy thriller about a disastrous MI5 mission in Cold War Berlin. This book is a must-read for fans of “Slow Horses.” “The Secret Hours” is a standalone spy thriller that is both unnerving and poignant yet also has laugh-out-loud moments. It is the breathtaking secret history that Slough House fans have been waiting for.

Two years ago, a hostile prime minister launched the Monochrome inquiry, which aimed to investigate “historical over-reaching” by the British Secret Service. Griselda Fleet and Malcolm Kyle, two civil servants seconded to the project, were given unfettered access to all confidential information in the Service archives to ferret any hint of misconduct by any MI5 officer.

However, MI5’s formidable First Desk did not become Britain’s top spy by accident, and she has successfully thwarted the inquiry at every turn. The administration that created Monochrome has been ousted, and the investigation is a total bust. Griselda and Malcolm are stuck watching as the pounding London rain washes away their career prospects.

On the eve of Monochrome’s shuttering, an MI5 case file appears without explanation. It is the buried history of a classified operation in 1994 Berlin, which ended in tragedy and scandal, whose cover-up has rewritten thirty years of Service history.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Regarding gifts made this month, I will match dollar for dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Garden of Letters

Read: June 2021

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The Garden of Letters

by son Richman

The Garden of Letters by Alyson Richman was one of the first books I read after Jan died. It was the perfect love story to read after the loss of the love of my life. The love Jan and I shared was because we shared a portion of the soul of the other, and thus we were meant for each other from day one. 

The two primary characters – Elodie Bertolotti and Angelo Rosselli – resonated with me as they were also people who shared souls. The book “captures the hope, suspense, and romance of an uncertain era, in an epic intertwining story of first love, great tragedy, and spectacular bravery.

As I turned every page, the story filled my heart with love and happiness as it reminded me of the love that Jan and I shared.

Portofino, Italy, 1943. A young woman steps off a boat in a scenic coastal village. Although she knows how to disappear in a crowd, Elodie is too terrified to slip by the German officers while carrying her poorly forged identity papers. She is frozen until a man she’s never met before claims to know her. In desperate need of shelter, Elodie follows him back to his home on the cliffs of Portofino.

Only months before, Elodie Bertolotti was a cello prodigy in Verona, unconcerned with world events. But when Mussolini’s Fascist regime strikes her family, Elodie is drawn into the burgeoning resistance movement by Luca, a young and passionate bookseller. As the occupation looms, she discovers that her unique musical talents, and her courage, have the power to save lives.

In Portofino, young doctor Angelo Rosselli gives the frightened and exhausted girl sanctuary. He is a man with painful secrets of his own, haunted by guilt and remorse. But Elodie’s arrival has the power to awaken a sense of hope that Angelo thought was lost to him forever.

I not only recommend this book, but I am also looking forward to reading more of her novels.

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Surfacing

Read: July 2021

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Surfacing

by Margaret Atwood

Surfacing by Margaret Atwood was a book I picked up on a random walk around the house. I had read The Handmaid’s Tale but was not ready to read The Testaments.

This book is a detective novel as well as a psychological thriller. A talented woman artist goes in search of her missing father on a remote island in northern Quebec. She had grown up on the island, and the journey includes her lover and another young married couple. When they arrive, the isolation and obsession of the artist shape all of their lives in unexpected ways. The marriage begins to fall apart, violence and death lurk just beneath the surface, and sex becomes a catalyst for conflict and dangerous choices.

Goodreads describes the book as,

Surfacing is a work permeated with an aura of suspense, complex with layered meanings, and written in brilliant, diamond-sharp prose. Here is a rich mine of ideas from an extraordinary writer about contemporary life and nature, families, and marriage, and about women fragmented… and becoming whole.

I also found myself captivated by the many layers of the book the search for her father, and the psychological impact on all four of them.

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Life After Life

Read: August 2024

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Life After Life

by Kate Atkinson

Today, I embarked on the journey of Kate Atkinson‘s ‘Life After Life,’ a novel that has secured its place among The New York Times 100 Best Books of the Century. The book presents a unique and thought-provoking premise: What if you could live multiple lives until you found the perfect one? With its darkly comic, startlingly poignant, and utterly original narrative, it’s a testament to Kate Atkinson‘s unparalleled storytelling prowess.

The story unfolds in a unique narrative structure, beginning on a cold and snowy night in 1910 when Ursula Todd is born to an English banker and his wife. She dies before drawing her first breath. However, on that same night, Ursula Todd is born again, lets out a loud cry, and starts a life that will be pretty unusual. As she grows up, she also dies repeatedly in various ways while the young century moves inexorably toward its second cataclysmic world war.

Could Ursula’s seemingly endless life be the key to altering the world’s inevitable destiny? The prospect is both thrilling and hopeful. Yet, the question lingers – if she possesses this power, will she choose to wield it?

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Can You Feel This?

Read: January 2023

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Can You Feel This?

by Julie Orringer

Today I read Can You Feel This? by Julie Orringer. This short story rekindled so many memories. In the chaos of a maternity ward, memories of tragedy and grief come flooding back for an anxious mother-to-be as she struggles to balance her child’s needs with her healing. Although Jan and I did not have the shadows of tragedy and grief when our sons were born, this short story was more than a page-turner. Can You Feel This? reminded me of the power of the love Jan and I shared.

When our second son was born, we almost had him at home or in the as we waited too long. In Can, You Feel This? , that was not the case. Both children had two loving parents but also grandparents.

When Jan had the first of several hospitalizations, she was in the hospital where her mother died. Jan told me her feelings, and I comforted her, but I could not fully comprehend her angst.

Can You Feel This? is part of Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones. Each Inheritance piece can be read or listened to in a single setting. By yourself, behind closed doors, or shared with someone you trust. This is the second one in the series I have read. The previous one was Everything That my Mother Taught Me.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Rushed into an emergency cesarean section, a woman finds herself in the same hospital where her suicidal mother died. She’s buried the trauma of her mother’s last hours—and also the dread that she might be just as vulnerable to breaking. As the new mother relives one crisis in the midst of another, prize-winning author Julie Orringer turns the joyous event of birth into a harrowing, poignant short story.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Happiness Falls: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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Happiness Falls: A Novel

by Angie Kim

I highly recommend reading Happiness Falls, a book authored by Angie Kim. The story is about a family’s search for their missing father, which leads them to question their beliefs and relationships. The award-winning author of Miracle Creek writes this thrilling and emotionally profound book.

We didn’t call the police right away.” These are the first words of an extraordinary novel about a biracial Korean-American family in Virginia whose lives are upended when their beloved father and husband go missing.

Mia, the irreverent, hyper-analytical twenty-year-old daughter, has an explanation for everything—which is why she isn’t initially concerned when her father and younger brother Eugene don’t return from a walk in a nearby park. They must have lost their phone and or stopped for an errand somewhere. But by the time Mia’s brother runs through the front door bloody and alone, it becomes clear that the father in this tight-knit family is missing, and the only witness is Eugene, who has the rare genetic condition Angelman syndrome and cannot speak.

Happiness Falls is a gripping investigation that centers around a father’s disappearance and the intricate dynamics of his family. As the clock ticks, the family’s deepest secrets come to light, raising questions about love, communication, and the human experience. This novel is a thrilling blend of mystery, drama, and philosophical exploration, showcasing Angie Kim’s remarkable storytelling skills that garnered her numerous accolades for her debut novel, Miracle Creek. Through the family’s journey, Kim offers a fresh perspective on the missing person story, creating a memorable tale of a family that goes to great lengths to understand each other.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.


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