Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Peacock Power: More is Possible!

Peacock Power: More is Possible!

Celebrate JanI am not a basketball fan. Most years, March Madness flies by me faster than pollen fills my nostrils.

This year the St. Peter’s University Peacocks from Jersey City has become a cinderella team.

They barely qualified for the tournament and now are in the Elite Eight after beating universities much more prominent and more experience.

Their mantra is More is Possible.

As I continue my grief journey, the Peacocks remind me that if they can get up every day and play a game they love, I can continue to love Jan and share her love.

More is Possible for all of us!

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Fellow Travelers on Life's Journey

Fellow Travelers on Life’s Journey

We are all merely fellow travelers on life’s proverbial journey.

I am lost, adrift, and grieving deeply for the love of my life.

Jan and I always believed that helping others is the only way to help ourselves.

I offer my hand of friendship to assist others. Each time I help someone, my journey is a little less taxing, although grief still defines me.

Helping others and sharing Jan’s love is the only way I know to manage my grief and live a life that Jan would be proud that I had achieved.

Jan’s love will never die; it will only grow stronger.

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Jack: A Novel

Jack: A Novel

Jack: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is the second book in this series I have read. Previously I read the second in the series,  Home, and now I have read the fourth. Without Jan by my side, I read more but not always in order. Fortunately, Jack appears in Home at a later point than is covered in this novel. That provided an understanding of the next phase of Jack and Della's relationship.

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Confident Jan

Twenty-two Books in 2022!

Celebrate JanYesterday, I read my twenty-second book of the year and met my Goodreads goal for 2022.

It began with God Shot by Chelsea Bieker and ended with Shiner by Amy Jo Burns.

Today, I started reading Jack by Marilynne Robinson.

My accomplishment is my first time completing a reading challenge in over sixty years. The last would have been with the Bay County Library as a child.

Click here to read all of this year’s Goodreads books. To view all of the books I have read since 2019, click here.

What are you reading? How many books will I read this year? Do you have a Goodreads goal for this year? I like non-fiction but have started reading fiction since the love of my life passed away.

It would be wonderful to talk to Jan about the novels she wanted me to read, and we could now have a family book club!


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Reading is Vital to My Conscientious Resilience!

Reading has become an essential part of my personal growth and resilience. Each book I've read has influenced me differently, with some leaving a more lasting impact than others. What are you currently reading? Would you like a book recommendation? I have a variety of books to suggest.
Wellness is My Goal!

Wellness is My Goal!

Celebrate JanMy daily walks, eating habits, and general attitude have focused on wellness to avoid the pain of illness.

Monday night, I thought I was in the early stages of my first cold since Jan died.

My nose ran faster than an Olympian, and I sneezed more often than I breathed.

But I had no fever or body aches. I was fatigued, but insomnia caused that ailment.

Jan always suffered from Hay Fever, but pollen has never impacted me.

This morning I took Claritin, and my symptoms are subsiding.

I will be well soon, and my love for Jan will never die.

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Love Without Blossoms

It appears that the trees are blossoming.

Therefore, I am confident Jan's love has not and never will die. It is stronger now than it was on the day I met her.

When I sneeze from too much pollen, I accept it as a sign that she is still with me and loves me as much as I love her.

Jan and Richard

Gratitude Overwhelms Grief

Celebrate JanToday gratitude is more substantial than my grief. My left-hand holds all of my sadness, and my gratitude is in my right hand. The tension between these emotions helps me manage life without Jan.

I am still in grief, but today, my appreciation for the love that Jan and I shared outshines the sadness of living alone.

Tomorrow my emotions may switch.

Jan could have left me or not fallen in love with me. But each time she had a choice, she stayed with me.

If our love could survive so many challenges, it cannot ever die.

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Shiner: A Novel

Shiner: A Novel

Shiner: A Novel by Amy Jo Burns was my twenty-second of the year, and I achieved my Goodreads 2022 Reading Challenge. An hour from the closest West Virginia mining town, fifteen-year-old Wren Bird lives in a secluded mountain cabin with her parents. They have no car, no mailbox, and no visitors-except for her mother's lifelong best friend.

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Peacock Power: More is Possible!
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Fellow Travelers on Life's Journey
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Jack: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Jack: A Novel

by Marilynne Robinson

Jack: A Novel by Marilynne Robinson is the second book in this series I have read. Previously I read,  Home, and now I have read the fourth. Without Jan by my side, I read more but not always in order. Fortunately, Jack appears in Home at a later point than is covered in this novel. That provided an understanding of the next phase of Jack and Della’s relationship.

I very much enjoyed reading this novel. Although Jan and I fell in love without all of the complexities of this couple, there were enough similarities that reminded me of how special our love was and remains. For example, our long conversations, many of which were while we walked, are reminiscent of the novel.

I highly recommend this novel. One of the reviews suggested that the next volume should be about Della. I will read that book before the ink drys.

Goodreads provides an overview.

In this book, Robinson tells the story of John Ames Boughton, the prodigal son of Gilead’s Presbyterian minister, and his romance with Della Miles, a high school teacher who is also the child of a preacher. They’re deeply felt, tormented, star-crossed interracial romance resonates with all the paradoxes of American life, then and now.

Marilynne Robinson’s mythical world of Gilead, Iowa—the setting of her novels Gilead, Home, and Lila, and now Jack—and its beloved characters have illuminated and interrogated the complexities of American history, the power of our emotions, and the wonders of a sacred world.

Robinson’s Gilead novels, which have won one Pulitzer Prize and two National Book Critics Circle Awards, are vital to contemporary American literature and a revelation of our national character and humanity.

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Confident Jan
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Wellness is My Goal!
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Jan and Richard
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Shiner: A Novel

Read: March 2022

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Shiner: A Novel

by Amy Jo Burns

Shiner: A Novel by Amy Jo Burns was my twenty-second of the year, and I achieved my Goodreads 2022 Reading Challenge. An hour from the closest West Virginia mining town, fifteen-year-old Wren Bird lives in a secluded mountain cabin with her parents. They have no car, mailbox, or visitors- except for her mother’s lifelong best friend.

Wren’s narration of her discoveries of the secrets of the past over one summer drives the novel and makes it a page-turner. Her mother, Ruby, and her best friend, Ivy, are two strong women who dreamed of escaping the West Virginia mountains. The male characters play secondary roles in the novel, as they should. Shiner is a feminist book about how women can and must take back their stories and lives from men whose power is an illusion.

I highly recommend this novel and look forward to reading other books by Amy Jo Burns. It was the perfect book to finish my reading challenge. As I continue to read this year, I hope to find another of her books on my shelf.

Goodreads provides an overview.

Every Sunday, Wren’s father delivers winding sermons in an abandoned gas station. He takes up serpents and praises the Lord for his blighted white eye, proof of his divinity and key to his hold over the community, Wren, and her mother.

But over the course of one summer, a miracle performed by Wren’s father quickly turns to tragedy. As the order of her world begins to shatter, Wren must uncover the truth of her father’s mysterious legend and her mother’s harrowing history and complex bond with her best friend. And with that newfound knowledge, Wren can imagine a different future for herself than she has been told to expect.

Rich with epic love and epic loss, and diving deep into a world that is often forgotten but still part of America, Shiner reveals the hidden story behind two generations’ worth of Appalachian heartbreak and resolve. Amy Jo Burns brings us a smoldering, taut debut novel about modern female myth-making in a land of men-and one young girl who must ultimately open her eyes.

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We the Animals

Read: July 2024

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We the Animals

by Justin Torres

Today, I embarked on the literary journey of We the Animals by Justin Torres. This novel, listed among the New York Times’ 100 Best Books of the Century, is a groundbreaking work of art. The author of Blackouts immerses us in the tumultuous heart of a family, the intense bonds of three brothers, and the mythic impact of this fierce love on the individuals we are destined to become.

The narrative unfolds as three brothers navigate their way through childhood, a journey filled with emotional highs and lows, from playful acts like smashing tomatoes on each other to finding solace in each other’s company during their parents’ conflicts and even tiptoeing around the house as their mother rests after her graveyard shift. Paps and Ma, hailing from Brooklyn—he’s Puerto Rican, she’s white—share a profound and challenging love, shaping and reshaping the family numerous times. Life in this family is intense and all-consuming, filled with disorder, heartache, and the ecstasy of belonging to each other.

From the intense familial unity, a child feels to the profound alienation he endures as he begins to see the world, this beautiful novel doesn’t just tell a coming-of-age story; it reinvents it in a sly and punch-in-the-stomach powerful way. It delves into themes such as love, the meaning of family, and heartache, adding another layer of depth and complexity to the story.

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The Way of Integrity

Read: February 2025

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The Way of Integrity

by Martha Beck

Today, I started reading Martha Beck‘s “The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self,” a book recommended by my friend Mark. I always appreciate receiving book recommendations from friends and readers of my blog. In her self-help book, Ms. Beck asserts, “Integrity is the cure for psychological suffering. Period.” This book will be invaluable during my early period of grief. I purchased the eBook from Bookshop and plan to do so.

Bestselling author, life coach, and sociologist Martha Beck explains why “integrity”—needed now more than ever in these tumultuous times—is the key to a meaningful and joyful life. As she writes,

This book, as you may have gleaned from the title, is all about integrity. But I don’t mean this in a moralizing sense. The word integrity has taken on a slightly prim, judgmental nuance in modern English, but the word comes from the Latin integer, meaning “intact.” To be in integrity is to be one thing, whole and undivided. When a plane is in integrity, all its millions of parts work together smoothly and cooperatively. If it loses integrity, it may stall, falter, or crash. There’s no judgment here. Just physics.

In The Way of Integrity, Beck presents a four-stage process that anyone can use to find integrity, a sense of purpose, emotional healing, and a life free of mental suffering. Many issues, such as people-pleasing, staying in stale relationships, and maintaining unhealthy habits, arise from a disconnection from what truly makes us feel complete.

Inspired by The Divine Comedy, Beck uses Dante’s classic hero’s journey as a framework to break down the process of attaining personal integrity into small, manageable steps. She shows how to read the internal signals that lead us toward our true path and recognize what we yearn for versus what our culture sells us.

With techniques tested on hundreds of her clients, Beck brings her expertise as a social scientist, life coach, and human being to help readers uncover what integrity looks like in their lives. She takes us on a spiritual adventure that will change the direction of our lives and bring us to a place of genuine happiness.

Other books I have read with a similar theme, which I also recommend, include Man’s Search for Meaning, Climbing the Second Mountain, and The Pursuit of Happiness.



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The New Earth

Read: April 2023

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The New Earth

by Jess Row

The New Earth, by Jess Row, is a commanding investigation of our deep and impossible desire to undo the injustices we have both inflicted and been forced to endure. When I read books about dysfunctional families, I am reminded of how important family is to our health and how blessed I am not to be a member of a family like the one Jess Row has created. I highly recommend this book!

The Wilcoxes saga is a case study of the difficulties of modern relationships. The reunion at the wedding of their daughter Winter unfolds in a manner that keeps the reader engaged until the final words appear on the page. Lies, infidelity, and how these actions compound and create problems for the younger generation is a book well worth reading.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

For fifteen years, the Wilcoxes have been a family in name only. Though never the picture of happiness, they once seemed like a typical white Jewish clan from the Upper West Side. But in the early 2000s, two events ruptured the relationships between them. First, Naomi revealed to her children that her biological father was Black. In the aftermath, college-age daughter Bering left home to become a radical peace activist in Palestine’s West Bank, where an Israeli Army sniper killed her.

In 2018, Winter Wilcox is getting married, and her only demand is that her mother, father, and brother emerge from their self-imposed isolations and gather once more. After decades of neglecting personal and political wounds, each remaining family member must face their fractured history and decide if they can ever reconcile.

Assembling a vast chorus of voices and ideas from across the globe, Jess Row “explodes the saga from within–blows the roof off, so to speak, to let in politics, race, theory, and the narrative self-awareness that the form had seemed hell-bent on ignoring” (Jonathan Lethem).


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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A Game Called Dead

Read: November 2021

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A Game Called Dead

by Michael Stephen Daigle

A Game Called Dead by Michael Stephen Daigle is the sequel to “The Swamps of Jersey,” the first Frank Nagler Mystery. Having read the fourth one – The Red Hand, I recently read the first one and thought this was an excellent time to read the second in this impressive deceptive series.

Reading the Frank Nagler Mysteries is rare when this reviewer knows the author. Mr. Daigle wrote this is the overview of A Game Called Dead.

Nagler is called to investigate the brutal attack on two women at the local college. It begins a tale of urban terror, which seems to be directed at Nagler and his associates.

The story introduces the mysterious terrorist #ARMEGEDDON, who taunted the police from cyberspace.

The story also digs deeper into Nagler’s past, especially the old Charlie Adams serial-killer case, and his relationship with Lauren Fox, who played a crucial role in exposing the political corruption in “Swamps.” She is back and steps into the front of Nagler’s life.

The story also introduced Harriet Waddley-Jones, a college dean, Nagler’s nemesis, and later ally.

Each book is a challenge to write a “better” book. In this case, I wanted tighter, faster action to develop a theme and flow to help carry the story. Sound and the description of sound are keys.

I also wanted Nagler to confront aspects of his past. Can he reconcile them, or will they always haunt him?

This reviewer’s opinion was a more substantial plot than the first book in the Frank Nagler Mysteries. Like all good mysteries, the suspense built page by page, and I figured out who the villain was late in the novel.

The one part that was difficult for me to read was the ending and the potential reigniting of the relationship with Lauren Fox. Having lost Jan, my wife, this year, I am aware of Frank Nagler’s pain in the first book about losing his wife. Ms. Fox only appeared in The Swamps of Jersey as a lost friend. I understand that some widows need to find love again to feel happy, which is not what I need or am seeking. The next book may provide some difficult moments on this topic, but I look forward to reading the next Frank Nagler Mystery.

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Jaded: A Novel

Read: April 2024

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Jaded: A Novel

by Ela Lee

Today, I started reading “Jaded: A Novel” by Ela Lee. The main character’s name is Jade, which isn’t even her real name. Jade began using it as her Starbucks name because all children of immigrants have a Starbucks name. “Jaded” is a must-read book for fans of “Queenie” and “I May Destroy You.” It offers a blistering—and sometimes darkly funny—account of consent, power, race, sexism, and identity in a broken society.

Jade has accomplished everything she ever wanted.

She’s a successful lawyer, a dutiful daughter, a beloved girlfriend, and a loyal friend. However, everything starts to crumble when she wakes up the morning after a work event, naked and alone, with no idea how she got home. Jade is caught between her parents, who can’t understand, her boyfriend, who feels betrayed, and her job, which expects silence.

Jade thought she was everything she ever wanted to be. But now she feels like nothing at all.

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The Lion's Den

Read: January 2023

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The Lion’s Den

by Anthony Marra

Today, I read The Lion’s Den by Anthony Marra. After a four and one-half Zoom meeting, I was looking for a book I could finish tonight, and the third book in the Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones, seemed like the book to read. The Lion’s Den is the story of Michael, a son, his father’s transgressions in a tell-all were the ethical, righteous—and profitable—thing to do. What’s left but to slink back home for a humbling face-to-face with the man whose secrets he sold?

It was the perfect novel to read this evening. In the opening paragraph, when Michael’s father describes the automated customer service computer voice.” Siri’s dimwitted stepsister,” I knew I could enjoy this book.

Michael’s last-minute invitation to be the Ethics Symposium speaker at his parochial school was written in a way that was both bluntly honest and humorous.

Michael’s visits with his father to the lion’s den at the National Zoo were profoundly moving, and when the wheelchair was left there after his father’s death brought tears to my eyes.

I highly recommend The Lion’s Den, part of Inheritance, a collection of five stories about secrets, unspoken desires, and dangerous revelations between loved ones. Each Inheritance piece can be read or listened to in a single setting. By yourself, behind closed doors, or shared with someone you trust. This is the third one in the series I have read. The previous two were Everything My Mother Taught Me and Can You Feel This?

I have enjoyed all three and look forward to reading the final two.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview,

Exposing his father’s transgressions in a tell-all was the ethical, righteous—and profitable—thing to do. What’s left but to slink back home for a humbling face-to-face with the man whose secrets he sold?

He was a notorious government whistle-blower. Depending on whom you ask, he’s a treasonous felon, a folk hero, a validated patriot, or a national disgrace. To his son, Michael, he’s the father who threw his family into upheaval. Now, having moved back home at thirty-four, Michael is getting to know him as a man and getting nearer to understanding his motivations that have remained a mystery in this darkly humorous short story of sacrifice and betrayal by New York Times bestselling author Anthony Marra.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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