Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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The Surgeon's Daughter

The Surgeon's Daughter

I did something I had not done in decades. After finishing the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake, I immediately started reading the sequel, The Surgeon's Daughter. The protagonist, Nora Beady, was such a strong female lead that I could not wait to find out what happened next. In the sequel, Nora Beady, the only female student at a prestigious medical school in Bologna, is a rarity. Nora's tenacity and passion reminded me of Jan, the love of my life.

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Final Hugs

My Chosen Family Helps Me Manage Grief

Introducing my Friends to JanFamily is and always will be crucial to my health and welfare. I love my two sons, their wives, and my two grandsons.

However, I have also benefited from being part of a chosen family.

As Melissa Kirsch wrote in the NY Times, “Chosen families are created outside the structures of (and often in place of) the traditional nuclear family.”

No one would choose to be a widow, but having lost the love of my life, I am happy to be part of a chosen family of widows.

We love and support each other. Like any family, we are there whenever any member needs our assistance.

At Camp Widow, twenty-four members of our chosen family met, many for the first time. We were the largest group in attendance.

I will need love and support from my biological and chosen families as long as I live.


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Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!

One of the features of Camp Widow is the memory wall. Every participant has the opportunity to submit a photo with a message about their loved ones. I choose the one from the Monarch Housing retirement dinner. As I always did when Jan was in the room when I spoke, I introduced her. I would […]
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Jan’s Smiles Soothe My Soul!

Remembering Jan at Camp Widow!Jan’s smile is what I remember most.

Her smiles were contagious and a kaleidoscope of joy and happiness.

Jan’s smiles seduced me and continued to do that even after her death.

Now I can see that smile in almost five decades of Kodachrome photos.

When I got my Apple Watch, I selected a photo for the watch face of her smiling at me when I introduced her at a farewell dinner when I ceased working full-time.

Six months before she was diagnosed with lymphoma, a professional photographer captured Jan’s smiling face.

It is one of my favorites and is my background on Zoom.

Seeing Jan smiling at me soothes my soul and reminds me that our love will never die.


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Jan’s Smiles Were Kaleidoscopes of Joy

Every day, I would say something special to Jan. She was like a kaleidoscope. Her smile always reflected unique and beautiful new images that filled my heart and soul with happiness. When I saw those glorious images, I would tell Jan how much I loved her and how happy I was to share a life […]
Jan's Smile is Still With Me!

Cloudy With Jan’s Smile Shining on Me!

Happy together!Jan was and always will be the love of my life.

From the day we met, I was sure she would survive me.

My future looked cloudy and uncertain in the first few weeks after Jan died. But it is I who is on the grief journey.

Although I cannot quantify what my life will be, I can now at least envision that there is a life for me after the loss of the love of my life.

Andrew Huberman’s neuroscience research has helped me focus on Jan’s truth and positive memories.

I know Jan’s spirit and smile will be with me and guide me in whatever opportunities life provides me.


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Jan’s Smile is Still With Me!

Jan and I always believed that smiling is essential, even in the darkest moments. I have seen thousands of Jan's smiles, but I remember one more than others. Six months before her lymphoma diagnosis, I was ending my full-time work career. I always introduced Jan and thanked her for her love and support.

If you are honoring me, I only deserve it because of the love and support of my wife, Jan!

Much Ado About Nothing

Much Ado About Everything

Jon, Jan, and MikeLast night, I enjoyed watching the NJ Shakespeare Theatre‘s outdoor performance of Much Ado About Nothing. The final performance of the season is Sunday, July 31.

Nick, my oldest grandson and a friend of his, joined me for a lovely evening.

It was the first time I had attended the outdoor stage since Jan died. Last year, I planned to go by myself, but the weather canceled the performances I could attend.

Jan and I have always enjoyed this play. Jan especially liked the tempestuous Beatrice’s comment.

O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the marketplace!

The play is also a good metaphor for my grief journey. A year ago, I worried about everything.

This much ado about everything was not helpful. It would lead me down rabbit holes of despair. Support groups, therapy, and Andrew Huberman’s neuroscience research have helped me focus on Jan’s genuine love for me and decades of positive memories.

Love never dies.


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Managing Grief’s Roller Coaster

During my grief journey, my emotions have been all over the place. I have been sad, lonely, happy, and on rare occasions, experienced something close to happiness. This classic roller coaster was stressful and frightening in the early days. Focusing on Andrew Huberman’s neuroscience research on grief has helped me feel liberated and calm. The […]
The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

Game of Life or Life’s Story?

Jon Brown Bar Mitzvah January 15, 1994I have referenced David Brooks, specifically The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life, and his essays about life’s essential issues.

His July 22, 2022, column, entitled Is Life a Story or a Game?, is one that resonated with me. A PDF link for those who do not subscribe to the NY Times.

I concur with Brooks’s opinion expressed in this paragraph.

Maturity means rising above the shallow desire — for status — that doesn’t really nourish us. It’s about cultivating the higher desires: The desire for a good and meaningful life that inspires people to commit daily acts of generosity.

My life as a widow has been made easier by writing a daily online journal. Few read it, which is fine as I am not writing for likes or shares.

My posts and streams are part of either a continuous love letter to Jan or the first draft of our love story.


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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

When I read The Second Mountain, it became clear that Jan and I never even attempted to climb the first mountain. We were constantly climbing the second mountain. We had chosen to do work that repaired the world; we both had a faith community and lived in a community. All we were missing as far as commitments when we met was each other. Our love for each other provided the missing link and allowed us to climb to the top of the second mountain.

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My Never-Ending Conversation with Jan

My Never-Ending Conversation with Jan

Happy together!Every day I speak to Jan, a good marriage is a life-long conversation.

Sometimes, these are about mundane tasks such as shopping, laundry, et cetera.

In July, I have two critical messages that I shared with her.

One is our new grandson Wes. His middle name is Jude which is a way to continue her name and a nod to The Beatles and their song Hey Jude.

Jan may not be able to hold Wes Jude, but when I do, I kiss him twice, once for her and then for me.

The second message I want to share with her is that I am alone and in grief, but I am still and always will be in love with her.

I begin and end every conversation with Jan by saying how much I love her.


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Happy Birthday, Wes Jude Nucero!

Jude, the middle name, honors Jan, the love of my life, Mike's mom, and Wes's grandmother. It also shows her love of music, especially The Beatles and Hey Jude.

God, in her infinite and divine wisdom, had Wes Jude born fourteen months after Jan died. Wes Jude's birth on this day is a true blessing for Jan, Jude, and our family.

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The Surgeon's Daughter

Read: July 2022

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The Surgeon’s Daughter

by Audrey Blake

I did something I had not done in decades. After finishing the Big Library Read of 2022, The Girl in His Shadow, by Audrey Blake, I immediately started reading the sequel, The Surgeon’s Daughter. The protagonist, Nora Beady, was such a strong female lead that I could not wait to find out what happened next. In the sequel, Nora Beady, the only female student at a prestigious medical school in Bologna, is a rarity. Nora’s tenacity and passion reminded me of Jan, the love of my life.

In the 19th century, women were supposed to remain at home and raise children, so her unconventional, indelicate ambitions to become a licensed surgeon offended the men around her.

Ms. Blake has a split personality— because she is the creative alter ego of writing duo Jaima Fixsen and Regina Sirois, two authors who met as finalists of a writing contest and have been writing together happily ever since.

The pen name – Audrey Blake – was in response to the publishers recommending a more straightforward author’s name. Regina’s daughter is named Audrey, and Jaima’s son is Blake.

The Surgeon’s Daughter is the forty-fourth book I have read this year and the ninety-ninth since the beginning of 2019. My Goodreads goal for 2022 was twenty-two books.

The Goodreads summary provides an overview.

Under constant scrutiny, Nora’s successes are taken for granted; her mistakes used as proof that women aren’t suited to the field.

Everything changes when she allies herself with Magdalena Morenco, the sole female doctor on-staff. Together the two women develop new techniques to improve a groundbreaking surgery: the Cesarean section. It’s a highly dangerous procedure and the research is grueling, but even worse is the vitriolic response from men. Most don’t trust the findings of women, and many can choose to deny their wives medical care.

Already facing resistance on all sides, Nora is shaken when she meets a patient who will die without the surgery. If the procedure is successful, her work could change the world. But a failure could cost everything: precious lives, Nora’s career, and the role women will be allowed to play in medicine.


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Final Hugs
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Jan Lilien
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Jan's Smile is Still With Me!
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Much Ado About Nothing
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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

Read: May 2019

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life

by David Brooks

The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life by David Brooks is a book I often recommend. Mr. Brooks writes about the first mountain that most people climb. The book challenges the reader to “live for a cause greater than themselves.”

It is about “to be a success, make your mark, experience personal happiness.” Even when they reach the top of the mountain, most people find they are unhappy. The climb to the summit has become unsatisfying.

On the second mountain, life moves from self-centered to other-centered.” Life becomes interdependent, not independent; it becomes a life of commitment, not about us.

Mr. Brooks “explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community.

We live in a society, Brooks argues, that celebrates freedom, that tells us to be true to ourselves, at the expense of surrendering to a cause, rooting ourselves in a neighborhood, binding ourselves to others by social solidarity and love. We have taken individualism to the extreme—and in the process we have torn the social fabric in a thousand different ways.

When I read The Second Mountain, it became clear that Jan and I never even attempted to climb the first mountain. We were constantly climbing the second mountain.

We had chosen to do work that repaired the world; we both had a faith community and lived in a community.

All we were missing as far as commitments when we met was each other. Our love for each other provided the missing link and allowed us to climb to the top of the second mountain.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life
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My Never-Ending Conversation with Jan
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North Sun: Or, the Voyage of the Whaleship Esther

Read: October 2025

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North Sun: A Novel

by Ethan Rutherford

“North Sun: Or, the Voyage of the Whaleship Esther” by Ethan Rutherford is a finalist for the fiction category of the 2025 National Book Award. With one foot firmly planted in the traditional sea-voyage narrative, and another in a blazing mythos of its own, this debut novel looks unsparingly at the cost of environmental exploitation and predation, and in doing so feverishly sings not only of the past, but to the present and future as well.

Setting out from New Bedford in 1878, the crew of the Esther is confident the sea will be theirs: in addition to cruising the Pacific for whales, they intend to hunt the teeming northern grounds before the ice closes. But as they sail to their final destination in the Chukchi Sea, where their captain Arnold Lovejoy has an urgent directive of his own to attend to, their encounters with the natural world become more brutal, harrowing, ghostly, and strange.


Ethan Rutherford‘s fiction has appeared in BOMB, Tin House, Electric Literature, Ploughshares, One Story, American Short Fiction, Conjunctions, and The Best American Short Stories. He is the author of two story collections–Farthest South (Deep Vellum, 2020) and The Peripatetic Coffin and Other Stories (Ecco, 2013)–and for these works has been named a finalist for the Los Angeles Times Art Seidenbaum Award for First Fiction, a finalist for the John Leonard Prize and CLMP’s Firecracker Award, received honorable mention for the PEN/Hemingway Award, was a Barnes & Noble Discover Great New Writers selection, and was the winner of a Minnesota Book Award.

Born in Seattle, Washington, he received his MFA in Creative Writing from the University of Minnesota and now teaches Creative Writing at Trinity College. He lives in Hartford, Connecticut, with his wife and two children.



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How the Word is Passed

Read: December 2021

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How the Word Is Passed: A Reckoning with the History of Slavery Across America

by Clint Smith

How the Word Is Passed: A Reckoning with the History of Slavery Across America by Clint Smith. This book was a gift from my son Jon. The New York Times selected How the Word is Passed as one of the best books published this year. Beginning in his hometown of New Orleans, Clint Smith leads the reader on an unforgettable tour of monuments and landmarks—those that are honest about the past and those that are not—that offer an intergenerational story of how slavery has been central in shaping our nation’s collective history, and ourselves.

How the Word is Passed is one of the best books I have read in 2021. I had read an excerpt in The Atlantic on the Whitney Plantation, one of the only former plantations devoted to preserving the experience of the enslaved people whose lives and work sustained it. Like most of us, I had placed the book on my to-read list, where it remained lost in the cobwebs. Fortunately, my son Jon purchased the book for me.

Secondly, the book rekindled my long-lost dream of being an American Studies professor. As soon as Jan and I met, I dropped plans to leave Brooklyn and start graduate school in the fall of 1974. I made that decision primarily because of how much I loved Jan. But it was also partly that I did not have a clear vision of what my life would be like as a professor. The book provided clear examples of people like Yvonne Holden at The Whitney Plantation redefining history to be more accurate and inclusive. I probably could not have done as well as she did, but I can now see that it might have resulted in a career for me that could have been impactful.

Goodreads provides this overview for those who still need to be convinced to read this book.

It is the story of the Monticello Plantation in Virginia, the estate where Thomas Jefferson wrote letters espousing the urgent need for liberty while enslaving over 400 people on the premises. It is the story of the Whitney Plantation, one of the only former plantations devoted to preserving the experience of the enslaved people whose lives and work sustained it. It is the story of Angola Prison in Louisiana, a former plantation named for the country from which most of its enslaved people arrived and which has since become one of the most gruesome maximum-security prisons in the world. And it is the story of Blandford Cemetery, the final resting place of tens of thousands of Confederate soldiers.

In a deeply researched and transporting exploration of the legacy of slavery and its imprint on centuries of American history, How the Word Is Passed illustrates how some of our country’s most essential stories are hidden in plain view-whether in places we might drive by on our way to work, holidays such as Juneteenth, or entire neighborhoods—like downtown Manhattan—on which the brutal history of the trade in enslaved men, women and children has been deeply imprinted.

Informed by scholarship and brought alive by the story of people living today, Clint Smith’s debut work of nonfiction is a landmark work of reflection and insight that offers a new understanding of the hopeful role that memory and history can play in understanding our country.

How the Word is Passed is one of the best books I have read this year and many prior ones. I encourage you to read it and share your comments.

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What Kind of Paradise

Read: July 2025

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What Kind of Paradise: A Novel

by Janelle Brown

What Kind of Paradise is a captivating and suspenseful novel by bestselling author Janelle Brown. It follows a young woman on her quest to understand self-identity. The story boldly explores complex themes, including the relationships between parents and children, the balance between nature and technology, the tension between innocence and knowledge, the losses we experience in our past, and our aspirations for the future.

This unforgettable narrative delves into what shapes us as individuals. The first thing you have to understand is that my father was my entire world, says Jane, the narrator.

Growing up in an isolated cabin in Montana in the mid-1990s, Jane knows only the world that she and her father live in: the woodstove that heats their home, the vegetable garden where they try to eke out a subsistence, the books of nineteenth-century philosophy that her father gives her to read instead of going to school. Her father is elusive about their pasts, giving Jane little beyond the fact that they once lived in the Bay Area and that her mother died in a car accident, the crash propelling him to move Jane off the grid to raise her in a Walden-esque utopia.

As Jane becomes a teenager, she begins to push against the boundaries of her restricted world. She begs to accompany her father on his occasional trips away from the cabin. But when Jane realizes that her devotion to her father has made her an accomplice to a horrific crime, she flees Montana to the only place she knows to look for answers about her mysterious past and her mother’s death: San Francisco. It is a city amid a seismic change, where her quest to understand herself will force her to reckon with both the possibilities and the perils of the fledgling internet, and where she will come to question everything she values.


Janelle Brown is the New York Times bestselling author of I’ll Be You, Pretty Things, Watch Me Disappear, All We Ever Wanted Was Everything, and This Is Where We Live. An essayist and journalist, she has written for Vogue, The New York Times, Elle, Wired, Self, Los Angeles Times, Salon, and more. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and their two children.



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Something About Living

Read: November 2024

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Something About Living

by Lena Khalaf Tuffaha

I recently read “Something About Living” by Lena Khalaf Tuffaha, a poet and essayist whose work resonates deeply. The book of poems won the 2024 National Book Award for Poetry and delved into Palestinian life through the lens of the American language, revealing a legacy of obfuscation and erasure. It questions what happens when language packages ongoing disasters for consumption and disposal.

As a Jew supporting a two-state solution, I initially hesitated to read this collection of poems. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the lyrical beauty of the verses, which explore love not just as an emotion but as a transformative force and “a radical act.” Every poem that genuinely resonated with me. “Something About Living” is a book I highly recommend for its depth and insight!

Ms. Khalaf Tuffaha has an incredible literary repertoire; her previous work, “Water & Salt,” earned the esteemed 2018 Washington State Book Award, while “Kaan & Her Sisters” was a finalist for the Firecracker Award. In addition, “Something About Living” also received the 2022 Akron Prize for Poetry. I’m excited to explore her profound insights and lyrical mastery!

Adrian Matejka, the author of “Somebody Else Sold the World,” has written about “Something About Living,”

“It’s nearly impossible to write poetry that simultaneously holds the human desire for joy and the insistent agitations of protest, but Lena Khalaf Tuffaha‘s gorgeous and wide-ranging new collection Something About Living does just that. Her poems interweave Palestine’s historic suffering, the challenges of living in this world full of violence and ill will, and the gentle delights we embrace to survive that violence. Khalaf Tuffaha’s elegant poems sing the fractured songs of Diaspora while remaining clear-eyed to the cause of the fracturing: the multinational hubris of colonialism and greed. This collection is her witness to our collective unraveling, vowel by vowel, syllable by syllable. “Let the plural be a return of us,” the speaker of “On the Thirtieth Friday We Consider Plurals” says and this plurality is our tenuous humanity and the deep need to hang on to kindness in our communities. In these poems Khalaf Tuffaha reminds us that love isn’t an idea; it is a radical act. Especially for those who, like this poet, travel through the world vigilantly, but steadfastly remain heart first.



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Do You Remember Being Born?: A Novel

Read: September 2023

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Do You Remember Being Born?

by Sean Michaels

I started reading “Do You Remember Being Born?” by Sean Michaels, a writer who won the Scotiabank Giller Prize. The novel is about an aging poet named Marian Ffarmer, a legend in the world of poetry. However, despite her success, she struggles with financial issues and her son’s inability to buy a house. Marian has sacrificed her personal relationships and happiness to pursue her career but questions whether it is worth it.

One day, she receives an invitation from a Tech Company to travel to California and work with their poetry AI, Charlotte. The company wants her to co-author a poem with their bot in a historic partnership, which clashes with Marian’s beliefs about the individual pursuit of art. However, she decides to take this opportunity, even though it makes her feel like a sell-out and a skeptic. The encounter in California changes her life, work, and understanding of kinship.

The book explores the nature of language, art, labor, capital, family, and community. It’s a response to some of the most disquieting questions of our time. The author, Sean Michaels, is a winner of the Scotiabank Giller Prize, and his book is a love letter to and interrogation of the creative legacy. It’s a joyful recognition that belonging to one’s art must mean belonging to the world to survive meaningfully.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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The Safekeep: A Novel

Read: July 2025

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The Safekeep: A Novel

by Yael van der Wouden

A house is a treasured possession, and “The Safekeep,” a debut novel by Yael van der Wouden, presents a gripping story of desire, suspicion, and obsession between two women staying in the same house in the Dutch countryside during the summer of 1961. The novel provides a profound exploration of the legacy of World War II and the darker elements of our shared history.

It is 1961, and the rural Dutch province of Overijssel is quiet. Bomb craters have become lakes, buildings have been repaired or rebuilt, and the war is truly over. Living alone in her late mother’s country home, Isabel knows her life is as it should be—led by routine and discipline. But all is upended when her brother Louis brings his graceless new girlfriend Eva, leaving her at Isabel’s doorstep as a guest, to stay for the season.

Eva is the complete opposite of Isabel: she sleeps late, stomps around the house, and handles things she shouldn’t. In response, Isabel becomes increasingly obsessed and furious, especially as items begin to go missing around the house—a spoon, a knife, a bowl. As her suspicions grow, Isabel’s paranoia eventually leads to infatuation, culminating in a revelation that shatters everything she has ever known. It seems that the war might not truly be over, and neither Eva—nor the house they inhabit—is what they appear to be.

For my house will be called a house of devotion for all,” in Isaiah 56:7, serves as a closing that reminds us that a house not open to all is not a home.


Yael van der Wouden is a writer and a teacher. The Safekeep, her debut novel, was a finalist for the 2024 Booker Prize and has been longlisted for the 2025 Aspen Words Literary Prize. It was also named a New York Times Notable Book of the Year and a best book of the year by The Washington Post, Time, The Economist, Kirkus Reviews, The Times (London), The Independent, BookPage, and others. She lives in Utrecht, Netherlands.



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Enjoy a limited-time offer of 20% off your next book purchase at Bookshop.org!


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