Richard W. Brown

Stream of Consciousness!

My random thoughts on Jan, love, grief, life, and all things considered.

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Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019

Am I Alone in Apartment 3B?

Jan, Jon and RichardAs I unpack in apartment 3B, I am alone, but I know Jan is still with me.

I am having trouble finding places for all the remembrances of decades of love. Each item I unwrap opens the floodgates of a lifetime of love.

It also reminds me of how fortunate I was and how Jan transformed my life.

This morning, I realized how critical timing was to our falling in love.

All the places I lived in before meeting Jan were not where we could have resided together, or she would have wanted to visit me.

I lived in a rectory when we briefly met at her VISTA training in December 1972.

When we finally met and fell in love, I lived in an unheated apartment and was on rent strike.

Neither was a place I could have invited her to visit me.

Ironically, I am now in my first “Batchelor” apartment and still happily married.

Our love will never die.


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Fourteen Moves, the First Without Jan

Since I graduated from college in 1971, I have lived in fourteen different places. After 1975, when Jan and I married, each move was with her by my side. When Jan and I moved into 3D, I told a new neighbor that I was looking forward to living in 3D as I had spent too […]
Day Two in Three B

Day Two in Three B

Embracing Tomorrow with JanSleep evades me even in my new apartment.

My first night in apartment 3B was better than my last days in 3D but still needs improvement.

I unpacked eight boxes today.

The kitchen is the remaining disaster zone. The kitchen is tinier. In 3D, we had the most extensive kitchen in the building.

I will finish unpacking and make a home in 3B one day at a time.

One of the first items I unpacked were photos of Jan.

She may not be sitting next to me, and her hands and lips may not touch, but she is still with me.

Our love will never die!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Fourteen Moves, the First Without Jan

Since I graduated from college in 1971, I have lived in fourteen different places. After 1975, when Jan and I married, each move was with her by my side. When Jan and I moved into 3D, I told a new neighbor that I was looking forward to living in 3D as I had spent too […]
Introducing my Friends to Jan

Fourteen Moves, the First Without Jan

Jan, the love of my lifeSince I graduated from college in 1971, I have lived in fourteen different places.

After 1975, when Jan and I married, each move was with her by my side.

When Jan and I moved into 3D, I told a new neighbor that I was looking forward to living in 3D as I had spent too much of my life living in one dimension. It seemed humorous at the time.

I am now living in 3B and no longer am 3D. Now the fun part of unpacking begins.

Even though I moved without Jan next to me, her spirit is with me now and forever.

Our love will never die.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Love of Family Helps Me Manage My Grief

Love of Family Helps Me Manage My Grief

Happy together!Family, both the one I am related to and my chosen family, have been crucial to my ability to manage my grief.

Without the love of my family, I am not sure how I would have survived the loss of the love of my life.

Jan’s love rekindled my passion, and our love for each other grew stronger daily.

My sons, daughters-in-law, grandsons, siblings, and their families have been there for me.

In addition, no one would choose to be a widow, but having lost the love of my life, I am happy to be part of a chosen family of widows.

We love and support each other. Like any family, we are there whenever any member needs our assistance.

As Mother Teresa said,

If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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My Chosen Family Helps Me Manage Grief

Family is and always will be crucial to my health and welfare. I love my two sons, their wives, and my two grandsons. However, I have also benefited from being part of a chosen family.

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Finding Who I Am After Jan

Finding Who I Am After Jan

April Showers Set the Stage for Jan's Birthday

Artwork graciously provided by Emi Sato.

Like all of my widow friends, I am trying to determine who I am in this new world.

With my soulmate Jan, I knew who I was, and as we grew older, we grew closer.

Now on my own, I made a classic mistake in the first few months.

As David Brooks of the NY Times wrote about his dynamic in “How to Find Out Who You Are,” (PDF), I looked inside myself as if I was “an onion, with layers of social selves to peel off to get closer and closer to the inner core, the true self. ”

Brooks stresses it is not looking inward but being like an artist that we find ourselves.

Brooks writes that one needs to be like an “artist who reaches back and seizes upon what he or she can find useful from the earlier artists. It is the later artist taking the initiative, grabbing, incorporating something to use in his or her own expression.”

He quotes Miles Davis,

Sometimes you have to play a long time to be able to play like yourself.

I am bringing Jan with me as I seek to define the new me.

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Who Am I Today?

We are often asked to remember the most important person in our lives.

Jan has been and always will be my answer. Her love transformed my life. If we had not met and fallen in love, I would not be who I am today.

Dust Myself Off and Keep Going

Dust Myself Off and Start Over

Jan, the love of my lifeJan and I believed in the message in the lyrics by Nat King Cole,

Pick yourself up…
Take a deep breath…
Dust yourself off
And start all over again.

I am reminded of those words as I approach the final hours of my move to a smaller apartment.

There are numerous hurdles I have faced that knocked me down. It would have been easy not to get up and avoid moving.

In those dark moments, I hear Jan whispering words of encouragement,

Richard, you are capable, you are strong, and I believe in you.

With her wisdom, I pick myself up, shake off the dust and start over.

Love never dies!


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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Richard, I Believe in You!

It does not overcome every crisis that grief throws at me, but it helps.

I also know that it is what Jan would want me to do. In my darkest moments, I can hear her voice.

“Richard, you are capable, you are strong, and I believe in you.”

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Empathy for Those Who Are Suffering

Empathy for Those Who Are Suffering

Jon, Jan, and MikeEmpathy has always been a word used to describe me since childhood.

Since Jan died, this ability has helped me help others and, by doing so, help myself.

As depressed and anxious as I might be, I have come to realize that being able to understand the suffering of other widows is crucial for the management of my grief.

Could I have been an active member of two Zoom support groups without empathy?

As Audrey Hepburn said,

Nothing is more important than empathy for another human being’s suffering. Nothing. Not a career, not wealth, not intelligence, certainly not status. We have to feel for one another if we’re going to survive with dignity.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.

Helping Others Helps Me!

No one reads my words, and few, if any, comment on my bookshelf.

But I find myself asked to facilitate more groups and thanked for only doing what any of us would do to help each other manage our grief.

Yet, I hear more people say they listen to my words because I speak with clarity and transparency. Is there any other way that any of us should talk?

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The Jan Lilien Education Fund!

Jan Lilien at Philadelphia Flower Show 2019
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Day Two in Three B
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Introducing my Friends to Jan
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Love of Family Helps Me Manage My Grief
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Finding Who I Am After Jan
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Dust Myself Off and Keep Going
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Empathy for Those Who Are Suffering
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The Sunset Years of Agnes Sharp

Read: August 2023

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The Sunset Years of Agnes Sharp

by Leonie Swann

I began reading The Sunset Years of Agnes Sharp by Leonie Swann, translated by Amy Bojang. The book follows a unique group of senior citizens as they try to solve one murder while hiding another, all with the assistance of an innovative tortoise. The mystery is full of twists and turns and is cleverly written by the same author who wrote Three Bags Full, adding a darkly humorous touch to the plot.

It has been an eventful morning for Agnes Sharp and the other inhabitants of Sunset Hall, a house shared by the old and unruly in the sleepy English countryside. Although they have had some issues (misplaced reading glasses, conflicting culinary tastes, decreasing mobility, and gluttonous grandsons), nothing prepares them for an unexpected visit from a police officer with some shocking news. A body has been discovered next door. Everyone puts on a long face for show, but they are secretly relieved the body in question is not the one they’re currently hiding in the shed (sorry, Lillith).

The answer to their little problem with Lillith may have fallen right into their laps. All they have to do is find out who murdered their neighbor so they can pin Lillith’s death on them, thus killing two (old) birds with one stone (cold killer).

Agnes and her group of elderly friends are eager to begin their plan. They believe that creating a mystery will divert suspicion away from themselves. To investigate, they will venture out of their comfort zone and into the less-than-ideal village of Duck End. Along the way, they will encounter suspicious bakers, malfunctioning stairlifts, incompetent criminals, the local authorities, and their hidden secrets.


The Jan Lilien Education Fund sponsors ongoing sustainability and environmental awareness programs. Gifts made this month; I will match dollar-for-dollar. All donations are tax-deductible.

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I receive a commission when you buy a book or product using a link on this page. Thank you for supporting Sharing Jan’s Love blog.



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Midwives

Read: June 2022

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Midwives: A Novel

by Chris Bohjalian

Midwives by Chris Bohjalian is “a compulsively readable novel that explores questions of human responsibility that are as fundamental to our society now as they were when the book was first published.” Forty years after the book was published, it is just as relevant, if not more so. Indeed, the book’s topics are more relevant today with the current set of decisions by the Supreme Court.

After reading The Pull of the Stars and watching every season of Call the Midwives, this was the logical next book for me to read. It is also one that I know Jan read and liked. 

I highly recommend this book!

The Goodreads summary provides a concise overview. 

The time is 1981, and Sibyl Danforth has been a dedicated midwife in the rural community of Reddington, Vermont, for fifteen years. But one treacherous winter night, in a house isolated by icy roads and failed telephone lines, Sibyl takes desperate measures to save a baby’s life. She performs an emergency Caesarean section on its mother, who appears to have died in labor. But what if—as Sibyl’s assistant later charges—the patient wasn’t already dead, and it was Sibyl who inadvertently killed her?

As recounted by Sibyl’s precocious fourteen-year-old daughter, Connie, the ensuing trial bears the earmarks of a witch hunt except that all its participants are acting from the highest motives—and the defendant increasingly appears to be guilty. As Sibyl Danforth faces the antagonism of the law, the hostility of traditional doctors, and the accusations of her conscience, Midwives engages, moves, and transfixes us as only the best novels ever do. 


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I'll Come to You: A Novel

Read: January 2025

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I’ll Come to You: A Novel

by Rebecca Kauffman

I began reading “I’ll Come to You: A Novel” by Rebecca Kauffman today. This sweeping and compact novel explores themes of intimacy, memory, loss, grief, and reconciliation. It delves into the wonder, terror, frustration, fear, and magic of confronting the unknowable in the world and within ourselves. The New York Times recommended it as one of six books to read this week.

I’ll Come to You is a modern and classic story of a family that follows intersecting lives throughout 1995, centered around the anticipation and arrival of a child. Through empathy, insight, and humor, Rebecca Kauffman delves into overlapping narratives: a couple struggling to conceive, which has both softened and hardened their relationship; a woman whose husband of forty years has left her without explaining why; and the man who is disastrously trying to win her affection. Additionally, there’s a couple in denial about an impending health crisis and their son, who is awkwardly navigating middle age while unable to stop lying.

Ultimately, these storylines build to a dramatic and harrowing climax. With heart, wit, and courage, the characters confront challenges that test and define their family bonds.



When you purchase a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission that helps support my passion for reading. This contribution allows me to buy even more books to share with you, creating an incredible cycle of discovering great reads together! Your support truly makes a difference!


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The Things We Never Say

Read: July 2026

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The Things We Never Say

by Elizabeth Strout

Elizabeth Strout, as we have come to expect, delivers a moving exploration of the human condition—one that brims with compassion for every one of her indelible characters. With exquisite prose and profound insight, The Things We Never Say takes one man’s fears and loneliness and makes them universal. And in the same breath, it captures the abiding love that sustains and holds us all.

Artie Dam is living a double life. He spends his days teaching history to eleventh graders, expanding their young minds, correcting their casual cruelties, and lending a kind word to those who need it most. He goes to holiday parties with his wife of three decades, makes small talk with neighbors, and, on weekends, takes his sailboat out on the beautiful Massachusetts Bay. He is, by all appearances, present and alive. But inside, Artie is plagued by feelings of isolation. He looks out at a world gone mad—at himself and the people around him—and turns a question over and over in his mind: How is it that we know so little about one another, even those closest to us?

And then, one day, Artie learns that life has been keeping a secret from him, one that threatens to upend his entire world. Once he learns it, he is forced to chart a new course, to reconsider the relationships he holds most dear—and to make peace with the mysteries at the heart of our existence.


Elizabeth Strout is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Tell Me Everything; Lucy by the Sea; Oh William!, which was shortlisted for the Booker Prize; Olive, Again; Anything Is Possible, winner of the Story Priz My Name Is Lucy Barton; The Burgess Boys; Olive Kitteridge, winner of the Pulitzer Prize; Abide with Me; and Amy and Isabelle, winner of the Los Angeles Times Art Seidenbaum Award for First Fiction and the Chicago Tribune Heartland Prize. She has also been a finalist for the PEN/Faulkner Award and the Orange Prize in London.



Discover your next favorite book and explore curated, exciting reads by purchasing through my links. Your support truly helps me share more meaningful stories and insights with you, enriching your reading journey.


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Fire Exit: A Novel

Read: June 2024

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Fire Exit: A Novel

by Morgan Talty

Today, I started reading the novel “Fire Exit” by Morgan Talty. The book is the debut novel of the award-winning author of “Night of the Living Rez,” Morgan Talty. “Fire Exit” is a compelling story that explores the themes of family, legacy, culture, and our complex obligations toward one another. These are themes that I have focused on after losing my wife.

The protagonist, Charles Lamosway, lives by a river near Maine’s Penobscot Reservation. He watches his neighbor Elizabeth grow up, from her early days to her twenties, but he holds a secret: Elizabeth is his daughter, a truth he can no longer conceal.

Charles becomes anxious when he hasn’t seen Elizabeth for weeks. As he tries to hold on to his home, look after his friend Bobby and his mother Louise, and grapple with his past, Charles is forced to confront painful memories and ask himself difficult questions. Is it his place to share the secret about Elizabeth, and would she want to know the truth even if it means losing everything she has ever known?

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Murder Bimbo

Read: February 2026

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Murder Bimbo: A Novel

by Rebecca Novack

Murder Bimbo by Rebecca Novack delivers a thrilling, unpredictable tale of a sex worker who morphs into a political assassin, thrust into a high-stakes game of survival. This captivating story weaves together elements of deception, murder, and the complexities of today’s political landscape, offering readers a fresh, gripping perspective that keeps them on the edge of their seats.

The protagonist, a thirty-two-year-old sex worker, is taken by surprise when undercover government agents approach her to assist in a top-secret plot to assassinate a politician known as Meat Neck. However, after the assassination, she realizes the harsh truth: she has been deemed 100% disposable.

Now holed up in an off-the-grid cabin in the woods, she has only two days, her wits, and a laptop to save her own life.

Her best chance is to reach out to the popular feminist investigative podcast, Justice for Bimbos. In a series of hastily typed emails, the newly dubbed Murder Bimbo reveals how she was recruited and trained by a group of covert U.S. agents to eliminate Meat Neck.

Next, she opens a new email addressed to her ex, where the facts present a different narrative.

Structured in three increasingly unhinged acts, each offering a more subversive version of the story than the last, Murder Bimbo is simultaneously a thrilling literary work, a satirical manifesto for vigilantes, or a raucous commentary on the political madness we experience daily. Regardless, it serves as a serious announcement of an electrifying new voice in American literature.


Rebecca Novack grew up in the Rocky Mountains. She has a master’s in theological studies from Harvard Divinity School.



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