I See a Ghost!
Estimated reading time: 14 minutes, 43 secondsWhy Am I Still Alive?
“How are the three of you doing,” Fr. John inquired as Bill, Linda, and I walked into his office. “As good as we can be,” the three of us responded in a cacophony. “I am happy everyone survived the fire. t was Wednesday, four days after the fire, but I still felt like I had been a hot dog left too long on a campfire. ” I wanted to talk to you about housing options. Have any of you found a place to live?”
We all said no. I knew I had not had the time or the motivation to look. I was not sure about the others.
“I think we have an option I wanted to discuss with you. As you know, Sharon, our kids, and I moved to the Williamsburg Houses earlier this year, and we have not yet hired an assistant pastor. That means that the rectory is empty. Would the three of you like to live upstairs until we hire an assistant pastor?”
We answered yes in unison.
“How much is the rent,” Bill asked.
“We were not planning on charging you. Having you live upstairs will keep the building occupied and more secure. Are you OK with that?”
We nodded yes and thanked Fr. John for his offer.
Bill and Linda walked out before me. I stopped and turned back to face Fr. John as I got to the door.
“Do you have a few minutes?”
He answered yes, and I sat back down after closing the door.
I looked behind him at the wallpaper, which had Ecclesiastes 3:1-22.
For everything, there is a season, and a time
Ecclesiastes 3:1-22.
for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die….”
I stopped when I read the word die my eyes began to tear up.
“As you may know, the FDNY thought I had died in the fire. I did not mention that I had a near-death experience in high school. I had no one to ask who could help me understand the experience.
I am trying to understand why I survived when I could have died in the flames of the torched building.”I know your feelings after a near-death experience. It can be scary. As a man of faith, I believe it was not your time that God may have reasons for you to continue living.”
“I know it was not mere luck. Why did God give me a second chance?”
“I have been reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. Have you read the book?”
I explained that I had read a portion of it in college.
Opening the book, he thumbed thru until he found the correct page.
“Let me read this passage.
‘Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life, he can only respond by being responsible.’
Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
That is a powerful statement of who we are and what life means,” he said.
“When I read that passage in college, I knew I wanted to live a responsible and meaningful life. That is why I joined VISTA. But, if God saved me, what do I do now?”
“I cannot give you specifics, but day by day, you will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. You may not know for some time how to live the meaningful life you were saved from the fire to live a life of meaning and purpose.”
I reflected on his words before responding.
“I did not expect a detailed road map; I wanted to confirm that I was on the right path.”
“You are,” he said in a voice that echoed around the room. “Be patient and take life one day at a time. When God is ready, he will reveal to you the path forward. Once you are upstairs, you can begin to rebuild your life slowly, but the challenges Frankl spoke about will take time to focus.”
“I am patient, although I wish I had at least a timeframe.”
“Don’t we all wish for a specific time and steps required? Life does not offer us those options. Hopefully, by the end of this month, you will be settled upstairs and have replenished your wardrobe,” he said with a chuckle. “Today is August 9; I suspect you will better understand why God saved your life in a couple of years, although it could take longer.”
“Maybe by August 9, 1975,” I asked. It was a date that seemed so far away that it was like an unimaginable date.
“I cannot guarantee it, but I believe you will know more by then.”
His phone rang, and I excused myself.
Before going back downstairs to work, I stepped onto the stoop.
Now I have found my North Star! I wasn’t supposed to die! Saved by Love, I now have a second chance to live a responsible and meaningful life.
I strolled down the stairs so I could absorb the opportunity that lay ahead of me.
When I was on the sidewalk, I looked up to the sky and said quietly, “Thank you, God, for offering me a second chance. I promise to live a life that will justify your decision.”
Now that I had a North Star to follow, I was confident I could learn how to live a meaningful life.
The second challenge was winning the heart of the woman I love; the future would be all I had ever dreamed it could be.
Of course, she broke up with me. What could go wrong with my goal of convincing her to love me again?
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
