Our Last Conversation
Estimated reading time: 8 minutes, 52 secondsLove Never Dies; It Lasts Forever
“I don’t want to die,” Jan said as tears flowed down her face. I reached out to hug her and kiss her. I struggled to find words that would reassure her and calm her nerves. Speech evaded me, so I hugged her more firmly and whispered, “I love you, Jan!” These were the only words I knew that might soothe her anxiety.
In addition, because she had COVID, I had been unable to visit her, which exacerbated our fears, especially Jans.
My speaking ability returned as I sat on the squishy brown chair’s ottoman.
“You have gone thru a difficult period, but I am confident we are entering a new healthier period,” I told her. It is what we both believed on that Wednesday evening.
“I want to believe that. But I can’t.”
I hugged her and kissed her lightly. I recounted how her mother had gone thru a tough year and then got better.
“But she died….”
My mind was devoid of words of wisdom to share.
“We have a good medical team. Let’s trust the doctors.
She raised doubts, and I tried to reassure her as I attempted to shift the conversation.
I am so delighted you are home,” I said as I held her hands.
Jan smiled at me. I wanted to be home for your birthday.”
We had celebrated by Zoom the night before with our sons and their partners.
Now we can start planning for your birthday,” I said as I reached over to kiss her.
Not yet,” Jan said with a frown. “It’s still March.”
We both laughed. I avoided my birthday but always liked to celebrate hers.
I helped her up so she could get ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, I got her favorite nightgown with the cows on the front ready for her.
When Jan exited the bathroom, I held her by her waist and guided her to the bed.
I may need help getting into my nightgown,” Jan said with a smile. I hope you don’t mind helping me?
The grin on my face was so large that it hurt my jaws.
When I got her into bed, I kissed her and said I was going downstairs to clean up and get her ice chips and water glass.
After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
