Sage Advice from the Past!
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes, 59 seconds
Jan Reminded Me That
All I Need is Love!
Walking down Alden Street, I noticed Chris smoking a cigarette outside Ambelis Greek Taverna, his restaurant. He saw me and exclaimed, “Richard!” in a loud voice that could have woken up the entire neighborhood. His enthusiasm made me smile. He asked me how I was doing, and his concern seemed genuine. Even though I wasn’t alright, I muttered that I was, but my answer wasn’t convincing. Being a good friend, Chris said something that sounded straight from my vocabulary: “Let me know if I can be of any help.” His kindness warmed my heart. He had to go back inside, but not before giving me a bear hug, which I happily accepted.
As I approached the entrance to my apartment, I was looking forward to finally relaxing and unwinding. All I wanted to do was to quickly undress, grab my iPad, and immerse myself in a few chapters of “The Book of Love.” However, my attention was diverted when I noticed five people walking towards me. Instinctively, I stepped to the curb, intending to let them pass, but then I recognized my wife, Mike, Elyssa, Nick, and myself. They seemed unaware of my presence as I tried waving to them.
How Can There Be Two of Me?
As I stood on the sidewalk, I suddenly realized that I had walked five years ago with Jan and the other three before she was diagnosed with lymphoma. It was a strange feeling. I felt like I was in the present but could see them in the past. I strained to listen to their conversation, trying to piece together the memories. Back then, Nick was still known as Liliah-Rae, and they playfully teased me about my seemingly vast network of acquaintances in town. Jan explained that I was very friendly and always tried to say hello to everyone. Mike chimed in, saying that everyone was my only friend. I remember the laughter that followed, but it felt distant. I felt like an outsider, watching the scene unfold from afar. The memories of that day came flooding back, bringing with them a mix of emotions – nostalgia, sadness, and a longing for simpler times.
With a heart full of love and longing for my wife, Jan, I took a step forward to embrace her. I yearned to hold her close and feel her warmth against my body. But to my surprise, as I reached out to hug her, she walked right through me. The sensation was like being washed away in a final rinse cycle of a washing machine – a refreshing yet strange feeling of being cleansed. At that moment, I felt a mix of emotions – a sense of cleanliness and a deep understanding of sorrow that I couldn’t hold my love in my arms and kiss her sweet lips.
As I stood on the sidewalk, I found myself in a dilemma. I couldn’t decide whether to follow the group of people walking ahead of me or continue on my way to my apartment. While contemplating my next move, I heard a faint whisper that sounded like Jan’s. My heart skipped a beat, and I turned to see if she was talking to me. To my disappointment, I noticed that she spoke to Mike, Elyssa, and Nick in a hushed tone while I was chatting with someone else on the corner. They were discussing something secretive, and I couldn’t help but wonder what it was all about.
Jan’s Message of Love
Jan spoke sincerely to the three of them, “When I am no longer here, please help your dad find someone who truly deserves his love and affection. He has a heart of gold and devoted all of it to me. He should not live alone and must find someone who can reciprocate his love equally. He deserves nothing less than a partner who can cherish and adore him as much as he cherishes and adores them.”
During our last conversation, Jan had advised me not to live alone. However, the message I heard on the sidewalk was more explicit. Although the weather was warm, I suddenly felt a chill. In a split second, the people I was following disappeared around the corner onto North Union Avenue. I hurried to the corner and looked around, but they were nowhere in sight. It was as if they had vanished into thin air, leaving behind no trace.
As I was standing outside Chris’s restaurant, he stepped out and noticed that I looked worried. He asked me if everything was alright, saying that I looked like I had seen a ghost. I tried hiding my unease by laughing loudly and telling him I had recognized someone. Chris responded that he didn’t see anyone. We said goodbye, and I returned home, still confused about what had happened.
All I Need Is Love!
I ascended the three stairs and entered my apartment. As I slowly removed my clothes, a sense of tranquility enveloped me – a feeling that had eluded me throughout my grief journey. Although I yearned to hold and kiss my beloved wife, I knew that she had been gone for thirty-three long months, leaving a void I had not been able to fill. Yet, at that moment, I realized I could no longer settle for mere physical presence. I craved something deeper, more significant, and more profound. Lost in my thoughts, I suddenly heard her voice in a whisper, singing a Beatles tune that transported me back to happier times.
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need
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After almost 48 years, I recently lost my wife, Jan Lilien. Like The Little Prince, Jan and I believed that “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” This blog is a collection of my random thoughts on love, grief, life, and all things considered.
